If you took all the weight I’ve gained and lost over the past 20+ years, you could build a road from Texas to New York. I’ve weighed every possible weight and worn every possible size known to women. I’ve gone from fluffy to fat only to travel back down to flat. I have been trim, slim, and a mean, lean machine. I’ve been mistaken for a beached whale, harpooned, and have been asked to display advertisements on my midsection. I’ve served as the 1998 Poster Person for Omar the Tent Maker. I have starved myself to the point of looking at my children and wondering what they would taste like, if marinated.

I have watched Gone with The Wind a zillion times devouring whole boxes of Oreo’s with side orders of Pickle-Flavored Potato Chips just because Rhett left; again. I’ve eaten bananas and grapefruit for months in order to look good on the beach and sunburned to the point I needed medical attention. Okay, I didn’t think that one through, but I looked good.

I’m tired. Tired of the world telling me how I should look. Tired of the TV and magazines telling me I need to suck it in, trim it up, and make it firm. For what? I learned a long time ago Mr. Right doesn’t exist and Mr. Coffee, with a dab of flavored creams, is better and doesn’t expect me to cook.

If a man can’t accept the wonderful, loveable person I am, why would I want him? I’m too old to give birth or be Miss America, too broke to buy the latest fashions, and quite frankly as Rhett said, I don’t give a…a…rip. I like to eat. Sue me. I like meats, sweets, potatoes, and any kind of cheese.

It’s more than just liking food though. The real problem is I hate diets. Not only do I feel deprived, but my entire personality goes through some kind of metamorphosis. Whenever I see a skinny woman, I secretly place a curse on her Victoria’s Secret bra. How sane is that? After hours at work, I empty all the Sweet-N-Low out of the dispenser and fill it with real sugar. Pretty creative, eh? Even in the super market, I have been known to stand and lick the outside of the ice cream freezer doors; just to pretend.

Dieting changes my attitude at home too. When my oldest son told me he was leaving for a date, I grabbed both of his legs. As he pulled me along to the door I cried “don’t leave me alone in a house with chocolate-covered raisins!” As he shook his head and left, I hollered after him, “I gave you life, you little ingrate!”

In truth, I’ve finally convinced myself that a person should not be judged by the size of their clothes anyway, but by the size of their heart… right?

Okay, everybody that believes that, let go of your pizza.

This, my dear sounds like it should be in the book. It is awesome. I love your style. Did you write this for some publication? What do you ladies think? Can you relate or what?

Okay, I confess. Yes, this article is part of my on-going life experiences. I lovingly call them my "Lunch Hour Specials" because...well because I write them during lunch. I appreciate your kind words. I absolutely love poking fun at life and feel that if we can just laugh a little more, then things don't seem so bad, you know?

If you would be interested in reading any more of my LHS, just drop me a line. I have one on "Compulsion," "Puffy, The Buffet Slayer," "Blind Dates," "Stress-It's Not Such A Bad Thing," "The Real Scoop," "Women and Power," "Go Ahead Shopper - Make My Day," and of course "Parents - You Gotta Love Um!" I would be happy to share my articles. Some of them have been published, some not. Hopefully, they will ALL be someday...My goal is to put them all in a book entitled "The Queen of Experiences."

I also have other ones coming on class reunions, drive-thru windows, mammograms, road rage, cell phones, computers...and the list goes on...

I take care of two parents, one a survivor of breast cancer, the other with fatal dementia. Writing is my outlet. I prayed to God to help me focus on something to aid my mental state while caregiving...thus...THE QUEEN OF EXPERIENCES...was born. Isn't God wonderful? I think so.

Regards,

You're are my new inspiration. Here I am trying to figure out when do I have time to write for myself and here you come with LHS. It is so cool. I am totally impresed that you can write so much in an hour. I think when I start, it will be a paragraph at a time. I would definitely buy your book and would love to read more of your stories. The one you posted is fantastic.

Candice,
You have just been nominated Pres of my fan club. Course, that would be Pres, Vic Pres, Secretary and the member of 1! HA!

Thank you for the kind words and I would be happy to share more stories however I don't want to hog the boards. Any time you would like to read one, you can either drop me a line and I will send you one via email; OR...you can wait until I get my web page completed and view them ALL there...course by that time you could have grown old and ugly...your call Pres... P.S. You write as well? What types of things do you write? I am always in awe meeting other writers. I too would LOVE to read anything you have written. With your permission, of course. Regards, Q

OH MY LORD -- reincarnation IS true --

Erma Bombeck has returned !!!!!

jawjaw,

Send me a private message and we can exchange e-mails.

I actually write more article-type stuff than actual stories. My job is an editor, which there is some strnge twist of irony in that. (Imagine yelling at yourslef over commas or telling ourself if that's the way you wnat to be, you won't write anoter word.) Anyway, I am trying to break into the freelancing and I'd appreciate any words of advice.