Thank you, Junebug. And you will be in mine.

Oh Dreamer,
Sounds like you are right where I am. I am sorry for your losses and I will keep you in my prayers. I keep looking forward to 2006 like it's going to magically make life sane again.

You are in my prayers, too, Mamacat. I just try to keep as busy as I can so I won't spend too much time thinking and dwelling on things I cannot change. We have also just moved to a new state - so I am calling this my "present" life and am trying to build on lessons learned from my "previous" life.

The world is certainly a different place now without my Dad, my former husband and my dear friends.

You know, I have always been such a strong woman. Been through 2 divorces, fought for a year for custody of my nieces, battled the county and my drug-addicted sister, survived my son being hit by a car on the freeway during the midst of all of that and always came out stronger and more confident. This time with all these deaths and my daughter, I am a wimp. I have fallen apart. I can't get them out of my head and they hurt so bad. I made it through menopause - I should be tougher than ever!

Hi Mamacat, I've been unable to be here much lately, but just want to voice my care and welcome.

This is such a painful time for you, so much loss in your life. Hurting that bad doesn't make you a wimp, it makes you a woman in agony. The agony of absence is devastating, and it's so much harder when our Mom is one of those we're grieving! Your anguish and grief calls for compassion and patience instead of self-recrimination. I know cuz I've been there too and got very good at beating myself up for not getting over it fast enough, for being such a wimp and cry-baby.

But I've changed my mind on all of that. If we knew someone else who was hurting as much as we hurt, we would wrap them in our caring compassion, weep with them, bring them casseroles, send caring thoughts...do whatever we could to ease their pain. So should we do the same to ourselves. Wrap yourself in your own kind compassion and hold yourself with tender care, knowing how brutal your pain is right now. If/when you're able to do things to keep yourself busy to help deal with the pain, then do it. But when you hurt, cry, and know that that's okay too. Our hearts don't always "move on" according to others' timetables...nor should they.

"This too shall pass", but while you're passing through, or like me, stuck there, be kind to yourself. And hang in here, we'll help too!

Momacat,

Three years ago, I lost my father, then was diagnosed and treated for cancer. And I completely fell apart.

Like you, I'd always considered myself a strong woman who could cope with anything and blamed myself when I couldn't. It took a lot of counselling and soul searching before I could finally admit there are some things you can't cope with and it's OK to admit it. For me, it was a control issue. Learning to let go and lean on someone else was a hard lesson to learn.

I've a feeling you'll come through all this and discover you're as strong if not stronger than you ever were.

Hugs,

Eagle Heart,
What an encouraging message. I'm so afraid to grieve - that I'm a crybaby, etc. Decided I am going out to the cemetary on Thursday and Friday made plans to spend with my friends fabric shopping. Thanks for your thoughts. You are right - hearts "move on" at their own pace.
Mamacat

We do not truly understand;

JOY...until we face sorrow.
FAITH...until it is tested.
PEACE...until faced with conflict.
TRUST...until we are betrayed.
LOVE...until it is lost.
HOPE...until confronted with doubts.

Eagle Heart you are so wise, compassionate and, above all, right!

Mamacat, I have a feeling that, like me, you can't help but wonder what you could have done, should have said, might have changed...but there is nothing - you did everything right, so be glad of that, glad you had those special people in your life and know you carry a big part of them around with you all of the time - the best parts of all of them because they helped make you the wonderful person you are.

Dreamer,
It is a wonder to me how all these wonderful people have such understanding and compassion. You hit it on the head. My mother and I had a very rocky relationship. She resented me adopting my nieces - my sister was her baby and although she knew how ill she was, she dreamed of her getting well and raising her girls. The day she died, she called me to her to whisper in my ear and said "I am so sorry" I asked for what and she said "for so many things". I told her we would have no regrets. I told her I knew she loved me and I loved her. But I feel so cheated out of what could have been if only we had resolved things years before. Now I think of all her good things and not all the nastiness she showed me and I wonder if I'm deluding myself. She wasn't nice to me a whole lot but I always felt she loved me. And we did have some good times. Dreamer, give me feedback on this please.