Hi everyone!

I have joined the forum for some "motherly" advise. I am a concerned daughter looking for some advise to pass along to my mother. I was hoping to find some answers on the forum to help me understand what she is experiencing and to pass some information on to her.

So here goes(I'm not sure which section to post this in): My mother has reached 51 and suddenly things are so dark and gloomy. a little bakground info- She stopped smoking 2 months ago(so proud of her!!), her husband, a truck driver is seldom home and currenly having some heart-related health issues. Additionally she does not work but she does baby-sit my 3 children about 20 hours a week so I may work. Lastly, my sister (17 yrs old)is just getting by in school.
I realize that she has a lot of stressfull things going on at once.

She has begun to talk about moving or "just getting away", she has become very bitter and critical of everyone. But I am worried because she has become a home body. She is either at home or my house and on occassion the grocery store. I don't know how to get her more involved in things outside the home. We have tried church activities, but it never last more than 2 weeks and she finds something wrong with it.

What can I do? How can I help? Should I do anything? Any other activities I should suggest?


Ladies I don't know what else to do, please give me some advise!


Thank you,
Cherry

Welcome Cherry! There are a lot of women on this forum that are incredibly supportive, and you are a wonderful daughter for trying to help. Sounds like your mom needs some personal "me" time.

Here's some more questions for you:

- Does she have any hobbies or activies she likes? And if not, has she mentioned anything interesting that you could help her get started with?

- Does she have many friends? People she can go to lunch or the movies with, or chat and vent, etc?

- When did you start noticing the difference in her? Was it just a few months ago when she quit smoking? Why did she choose to quit? Does she have health problems you might not be aware of?

- How are they financially? Does your dad have life insurance? She may be worried that with his health problems she'll be left even more alone than she is now.

- And no matter what you do, you can't always change your mom. My mom is 75 and lonely but no matter what I try to do to get her out of the house, or into something, she refuses. She has an excuse for everything. I could start my own forum post about my mom's problems!

After you answer some of these questions, I'll check back in and see if I have any "wisdom" for you...

Take care,
Kathy

Cherry, your mom sounds a bit like me. Best thing you can do is be supportive... AND get her to sit down and join this group of wonderful women her age. Really, there's nothing you can do. This is something going on within her own self. She has to work her way through it. Keep an eye on her and insist on professional help if she appears depressed or blue without a rebound in sight. Grandchildren are sometimes the best medicine... and talking - so get her in here, ASAP! I'll say a special prayer for your mom.

Hi Cherry, your mom is very lucky to have a daughter like you.

Have you tried talking to your Mom’s husband about this? Usually the Hubby has more pull than anyone. How about if he just took her out to a movie and a nice dinner. Or even better, take her for a pretty car drive through the country, where they could overnight. It’s usually many first steps to get that ball rolling. So don’t think your Mom will make a big turn around after an outing. At least once a week, an activity outside of the home should be on the agenda.

Welcome Cherry. Something clicked in my head while reading your post, and I just thought I'd throw it out here. There's a woman in my church group, about 60. She has raised all of her own children (5, I think) and is now raising many of her grandchildren. She babysits children all day every day, even on weekends (a different set of grandchildren then).

The thing I've heard her say on many occasions is that she has never had a vacation...even to attend church or her monthly church group meeting, she has to go through what she calls a 'hassle' to get her son to find someone else to look after the children for those few hours. She says she feels like a prisoner, trapped in what she calls a "drudge life with no end in sight".

Your Mom probably isn't feeling that gloomy, but her words "just getting away" are a big clue. Maybe she feels the need for a week or two off just for some R&R. Is there any way you can get her to elaborate what she envisions when she talks about moving or just getting away? Have an honest discussion with her - maybe she just needs a few days to herself but won't ask for it because she knows it will create hardship for you.

Are you vocal in your appreciation of her for looking after your children? You'd be surprised how many children don't think to verbalize their appreciation to the parent! My friend at the church feels used and abused...her children don't even ask her out to restaurants when they go, or think to ask her if she needs help with groceries (and how can she go shopping when she's looking after children all day every day!) They rarely say thank you to her. That ongoing pouring out of oneself without hearing any expression of awareness or appreciation for the effort and sacrifice can be very demoralizing.

Again, perhaps none of this fits your situation. I'm just passing along what this other woman's experience has been. If you could just get your Mom to open up and find out what's behind those words "just getting away", you might be able to find out more of what she's feeling.

Hi Cherry,

This is just my take from what you have told us. Whenever a person quits smoking, you can be sure they will have withdrawal symptoms from the nicotine, I know because I quit about 12 years ago. (Should take about 2 weeks for nicotine to clear outa person's system). And even after nicotine is out of system you have physchological issues to deal with in smoking, such as just the oral and hand fixation of holding the cigarette and the puffing of it, when you take that away, you crave it, and it can drive you crazy for a time.
And because of your Mom's age, may I ask has she gone through menopause? if not yet, she may be starting and most women as you may know go through lots of physical and mood changes at this time of life, which can make them cranky sometimes and moody. There are natural and synthetic hormones women can take for the change of life or menopause. Your Mom should see her doctor if she hasn't about this and he or she can guide her as to the best way to handle her menopause systems if that is what she is going through.
Hope this helps...

Cherry,
Yes as a dear wonderful daughter concerned for your mom, you 'fit' & have landed under some of the most wonderful 'Mother Hen' wings. So to speak. If there were any advice from me it would be to listen to the wise women who have already repled to You. Then I'd like to add to that with: Do, fine quiet time away from the kids (have her husband take them for ice cream, a friend watch them..), and have a Quiet free to express any emotion she needs to "TALK" with your mom. Maybe she hasn't been able to open up freely due to 'little ears'. As afore mentioned, I would tell her about this site and tell her to 'come on in'...someone's always home. My Prayers for you Mom and for you as well, to find guidence to help your Mom be happier.

One of the most liberating things about this site is the freedom to come and go at our own pace; it's open 24/7, and because we're from all over the world, there's almost always someone here to talk with. We each participate at our own comfort level, we control our own presence here - we can speak out, or we can watch from the sidelines. Those are "freedoms" one can't find elsewhere - and for some of us who prefer to stay in the comfort and security of our own home, it's a wonderful nurturing lifeline to the world "out there".

If you could get her to come and meet us, or just read some of the threads here, maybe that would help provide her with a safe place to "get away from it all" whenever she wants or needs to.

Hi, Cherry. I'd follow the motion in saying what a fine daughter you are. All who have posted before me have offered wise counsel. It would also be great if your Mom can join us here.

I'm emailing cherry to let her know she has so many thoughtful responses.

I thought as Jackie did. Perhaps she's going through menopause which cause the blues in many women.

Also, everyone loves to feel loved and appreciated. Perhaps she doesn't have enough love in her life?

Just a couple thoughts. I hope to hear from you soon.

You are a dear to come here and search for some answers. I admire you for that.

Wow, we do need more concerned and caring daughters, as you are, Cherry dear. Admirable.

Expanding on the benefits of friendship:
Friendship can accomplish marvelous things.
~To know we are accepted without the fear of judging...
~To share our cares and get wise counsel...
~To just 'hang out' with new and old friends... at our hearts' content...
~No time restrictions...
~Just caring, supportive friends!!

These are only a few blessings of the BWS.
By all means, it's a blessing! So, yes!! I'd encourage her to participate at her own pace.

Blessing to you and yours for being such a caring daughter.

Thanks Ladies! Everything you all said was sitting in the back of my mind I just needed to "hear" it from an outside source. (With the exception of the menopause issue, that is. I would not even know! Oh, my I don't think I will ask either! LOL)

I will definatly tell her about the site!!!! I think she could really get invovled.( Is there a way I can delete this post? I would not want her to figure out I wrote this! )

I will try to arrange a fun day or weekend, something special for her.

Thanks again everyone!


BTW, if you have any suggestion on things for her to do please(no wait, PLEASE) send them my way! I am running out of suggestions for her!


With many thanks,

Cherry

When you are ready to invite her here, just let me know and we can delete the post. However, she might find it flattering to learn that you are concerned about her.

WELCOME to Cherry and JackieG, how cool to see so many new members. Cherry just offer your mom your love and support right now. She is an adult and it may take her sometime to evolve into a new nitch in life...

JackieG, and all the other women with answers here for Cherry, all very good advice as well.

Thanks Dotsie! LOL! It may sound silly to delete the post but I just don't know how she would feel about it.

Cherry

Cherry I have been thinking about your post.And agree with all the ladies they know what they are talking about.

Menopause is a thing that is a natural life change.And can be supported well.First finding your Mothers status..she may be so worn out physically and not really know this.Bloods will show hormone levels. Also thyroid may be askew..Not ever having smoked I dont have personal experience but this habit may have keep her stress down (so others share)

What does interest me is that you feel you cannot ask her about the menopause..maybe a booklet that you can show her..is available.That sounds like role reversal when a Mother gives daughter the "book" about periods and reproduction. I often had to do this for girls at school where I worked.But always acted as a mediator advising that they talk together about these feminine issues.This can be done in a social situation does not need to be face on.Over coffee with a mix of ages..older ladies have a wealth of experience.

I hope that soon you can resolve this situation.Good for you for being concerned. I agree that spending quality time togeteher is a good idea.this need not be to discuss the presnt problem but as a life enhancing event for both of you.
Mountain ash

Some time during counselling as things unfold...anger and bitterness can maifest.This is a stage.A person can get stuck in bitterness and has to be guided to self realisation.

"BTW, if you have any suggestion on things for her to do please(no wait, PLEASE) send them my way! I am running out of suggestions for her!"

Scrapbooking her special events..Recording them for validity.

But feeling secure and loved is the most important thing.

CHerry,
If you haven't seen it rent Devine Secrets of the YaYA Sisterhood, grab a snack & find time for you and Mom to unwind just being together and laughing. I took my Mom (going through Cancer treatments) to this and we had the best afternoon..no deep talking just Mom/daughter closeness & a lot of laughs, few tears (the movie type).
Or any chick flick she might like. this one was so much about Mother/daughter it came to mind. Then maybe talk will flow more freely. Look forward to your MOM hopefully inding her way here.

First of all, I think you are a wonderful daughter to be so concerned about her mother. BUT, she is not a child and your trying to think of things for her to do is likely to come off as kind of patronizing. If you can't even talk to her about whether or not she is experiencing menopause (and maybe you all are not that kind of family), I can't see where trying to fix her life for her, no matter how well-intentioned you are, is going to be met with good cheer.

I think Eagleheart said it very well, but am going to disagree with her a bit: I think your mom may very well be depressed and bitter at what she sees as a drudge life with little pleasure. I need to clue you in on something that has nothing to do with smoking or menopause: middle-aged women are invisible to the larger population and even their families and we all have to learn how to find our own sense of self-worth. This is hard to explain to someone younger, but it's kind of like people could put their hands through you because you're not there. We are *so* youth-obsessed in this culture that the realization that you are out of it forever can come as a sting. For many women, reaching menopause serves as that final slap that they are no longer useful or desirable. (And others, like me, are *so* happy not to support the sanitary products people ever again!) This is one of the reasons why so many women try so desperately to cling to their youthful appearance: they see how older women are dismissed as nothing. (Honestly, we could get away with anything; no one is looking.)

Your mom might be feeling some of the aftereffects of quiting smoking, some hormonal changes due to menopause, some loneliness due to her husband's situation, and just general fatigue. I think it's a great idea to make some time for her that is not work-related so you can talk without distractions. AND, she definitely needs some 'her' time and appreciation; don't we all? You obviously love and care for her and that's wonderful. If you think she's clinically depressed, tell her what you see in her behavior and urge her to get a checkup. She does need to sort out her feelings and not become a black hole because that will bring all of you down. Good luck, of course.

Ell
you said what I try to share with another boomer just turned 60.
The invisible..not all the time but a taste of what may yet come.
Its not about consumerism because here in UK woman Boomers have income..due to legislation re. equal pay.. it stems I believe from a generation who have had "plenty" in material wealth and attention.Makes me sad because everyone finds out sooner or later that each day we grow (older...more mature)

It has started to happen to me.When it DOESN'T happen its such a joy..
Mountain ash

Hi Cherry...

I have to reiterate what a great daughter you are to be concerned about your mom and reach out for ideas and help.

All I can suggest is that if it is menopause there could be a depression component to it--and to reinforce that she does seek a doctor's advice. If she is depressed, there are lots of things that will help her--medications (with care of course...antidepression drugs are dangerous in my view), therapy, and perhaps some life coaching. It sounds like she just can't find the joy in life any longer.

When I went through my divorce, I started perimenopause very early (I was only 41, almost 42). Experienced severe depression along with that. I refused the anti-dep. drugs because I think they are dangerous but hormone replacement therapy, counseling, and life coaching helped a lot. I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to go to work (I blamed my employer in part for my divorce...heck, they made me travel extensively), social activities did not interest me in the least bit (I always found excuses to avoid them--my self-esteem was in the dumpster), and I felt so overwhelmed by so many things. I can see where your mom may feel overwhelmed too.

You can't "fix" your mom, all you can do is offer your help and support. If I were your mom and knew about this thread, I'd be giving you one huge hug! Here's a virtual hug anyway

Good luck.

wow, this is such a great thread. I hate to delete it, but I would if Cherry wants her mom to be among us. Cherry, please let me know what to do next. Thanks.

qball, loved your idea of watching the YaYa movie together.

Also, this post awakens me to the fact that it's hard for us to understand differences among generations. I love having a younger voice in here. We have so much to learn from one another. Maybe cherry could stick around and listen to some of the concerns we have with our children.

Well this thread has helped me a lot. I know I can't "just fix it" for her. I talked with her a little and I think she is just really overwhelmed. She's looking for a little relaxation!! And I think there is a small bit seeking some fun, but her life has just snuffed out all of that!

Thank You All!!!

And Dotsie- Earlier I tought about posting a question about freezing corn, LOL!!! Is there a Mother Hen section I can post in? LOL:)

Cherry

I love the idea of a "Mother Hen" forum! What a great idea.