Hi everyone!

I have joined the forum for some "motherly" advise. I am a concerned daughter looking for some advise to pass along to my mother. I was hoping to find some answers on the forum to help me understand what she is experiencing and to pass some information on to her.

So here goes(I'm not sure which section to post this in): My mother has reached 51 and suddenly things are so dark and gloomy. a little bakground info- She stopped smoking 2 months ago(so proud of her!!), her husband, a truck driver is seldom home and currenly having some heart-related health issues. Additionally she does not work but she does baby-sit my 3 children about 20 hours a week so I may work. Lastly, my sister (17 yrs old)is just getting by in school.
I realize that she has a lot of stressfull things going on at once.

She has begun to talk about moving or "just getting away", she has become very bitter and critical of everyone. But I am worried because she has become a home body. She is either at home or my house and on occassion the grocery store. I don't know how to get her more involved in things outside the home. We have tried church activities, but it never last more than 2 weeks and she finds something wrong with it.

What can I do? How can I help? Should I do anything? Any other activities I should suggest?


Ladies I don't know what else to do, please give me some advise!


Thank you,
Cherry

Welcome Cherry! There are a lot of women on this forum that are incredibly supportive, and you are a wonderful daughter for trying to help. Sounds like your mom needs some personal "me" time.

Here's some more questions for you:

- Does she have any hobbies or activies she likes? And if not, has she mentioned anything interesting that you could help her get started with?

- Does she have many friends? People she can go to lunch or the movies with, or chat and vent, etc?

- When did you start noticing the difference in her? Was it just a few months ago when she quit smoking? Why did she choose to quit? Does she have health problems you might not be aware of?

- How are they financially? Does your dad have life insurance? She may be worried that with his health problems she'll be left even more alone than she is now.

- And no matter what you do, you can't always change your mom. My mom is 75 and lonely but no matter what I try to do to get her out of the house, or into something, she refuses. She has an excuse for everything. I could start my own forum post about my mom's problems!

After you answer some of these questions, I'll check back in and see if I have any "wisdom" for you...

Take care,
Kathy

Cherry, your mom sounds a bit like me. Best thing you can do is be supportive... AND get her to sit down and join this group of wonderful women her age. Really, there's nothing you can do. This is something going on within her own self. She has to work her way through it. Keep an eye on her and insist on professional help if she appears depressed or blue without a rebound in sight. Grandchildren are sometimes the best medicine... and talking - so get her in here, ASAP! I'll say a special prayer for your mom.

Hi Cherry, your mom is very lucky to have a daughter like you.

Have you tried talking to your Mom’s husband about this? Usually the Hubby has more pull than anyone. How about if he just took her out to a movie and a nice dinner. Or even better, take her for a pretty car drive through the country, where they could overnight. It’s usually many first steps to get that ball rolling. So don’t think your Mom will make a big turn around after an outing. At least once a week, an activity outside of the home should be on the agenda.

Welcome Cherry. Something clicked in my head while reading your post, and I just thought I'd throw it out here. There's a woman in my church group, about 60. She has raised all of her own children (5, I think) and is now raising many of her grandchildren. She babysits children all day every day, even on weekends (a different set of grandchildren then).

The thing I've heard her say on many occasions is that she has never had a vacation...even to attend church or her monthly church group meeting, she has to go through what she calls a 'hassle' to get her son to find someone else to look after the children for those few hours. She says she feels like a prisoner, trapped in what she calls a "drudge life with no end in sight".

Your Mom probably isn't feeling that gloomy, but her words "just getting away" are a big clue. Maybe she feels the need for a week or two off just for some R&R. Is there any way you can get her to elaborate what she envisions when she talks about moving or just getting away? Have an honest discussion with her - maybe she just needs a few days to herself but won't ask for it because she knows it will create hardship for you.

Are you vocal in your appreciation of her for looking after your children? You'd be surprised how many children don't think to verbalize their appreciation to the parent! My friend at the church feels used and abused...her children don't even ask her out to restaurants when they go, or think to ask her if she needs help with groceries (and how can she go shopping when she's looking after children all day every day!) They rarely say thank you to her. That ongoing pouring out of oneself without hearing any expression of awareness or appreciation for the effort and sacrifice can be very demoralizing.

Again, perhaps none of this fits your situation. I'm just passing along what this other woman's experience has been. If you could just get your Mom to open up and find out what's behind those words "just getting away", you might be able to find out more of what she's feeling.

Hi Cherry,

This is just my take from what you have told us. Whenever a person quits smoking, you can be sure they will have withdrawal symptoms from the nicotine, I know because I quit about 12 years ago. (Should take about 2 weeks for nicotine to clear outa person's system). And even after nicotine is out of system you have physchological issues to deal with in smoking, such as just the oral and hand fixation of holding the cigarette and the puffing of it, when you take that away, you crave it, and it can drive you crazy for a time.
And because of your Mom's age, may I ask has she gone through menopause? if not yet, she may be starting and most women as you may know go through lots of physical and mood changes at this time of life, which can make them cranky sometimes and moody. There are natural and synthetic hormones women can take for the change of life or menopause. Your Mom should see her doctor if she hasn't about this and he or she can guide her as to the best way to handle her menopause systems if that is what she is going through.
Hope this helps...

Cherry,
Yes as a dear wonderful daughter concerned for your mom, you 'fit' & have landed under some of the most wonderful 'Mother Hen' wings. So to speak. If there were any advice from me it would be to listen to the wise women who have already repled to You. Then I'd like to add to that with: Do, fine quiet time away from the kids (have her husband take them for ice cream, a friend watch them..), and have a Quiet free to express any emotion she needs to "TALK" with your mom. Maybe she hasn't been able to open up freely due to 'little ears'. As afore mentioned, I would tell her about this site and tell her to 'come on in'...someone's always home. My Prayers for you Mom and for you as well, to find guidence to help your Mom be happier.

One of the most liberating things about this site is the freedom to come and go at our own pace; it's open 24/7, and because we're from all over the world, there's almost always someone here to talk with. We each participate at our own comfort level, we control our own presence here - we can speak out, or we can watch from the sidelines. Those are "freedoms" one can't find elsewhere - and for some of us who prefer to stay in the comfort and security of our own home, it's a wonderful nurturing lifeline to the world "out there".

If you could get her to come and meet us, or just read some of the threads here, maybe that would help provide her with a safe place to "get away from it all" whenever she wants or needs to.

Hi, Cherry. I'd follow the motion in saying what a fine daughter you are. All who have posted before me have offered wise counsel. It would also be great if your Mom can join us here.

I'm emailing cherry to let her know she has so many thoughtful responses.

I thought as Jackie did. Perhaps she's going through menopause which cause the blues in many women.

Also, everyone loves to feel loved and appreciated. Perhaps she doesn't have enough love in her life?

Just a couple thoughts. I hope to hear from you soon.

You are a dear to come here and search for some answers. I admire you for that.