My mother died almost 5 years ago after a year-long battle with cancer. Then 2 years ago my step-dad (who was more of a dad to me for 25 years) died after a 3 month battle with cancer. Today, I recieved a final payment from their trust fund. It was the second of two small payments and came as a surprise. My brother was the executor of their trust and, if you are familiar with trusts, the money comes from a checking account in the name of trust.

I look at that check, see my mom and dad's names and know it is the LAST thing from them I'll ever get and once again I'm reduced to tears. I didn't expect this ... not the money nor the reaction. It's as if I must say goodbye to them all over again. And there is a part of me that does not want to cash that check. Yet, that check arrived in answer to some serious prayers about our finances.

Both Mom and Dad are together in Heaven and I know I will see them again. I do not understand why I'm filled with such sadness and cry.

It is hard to have to say goodbye again.

Hurting and confused, Francine

Dear Francine: I am sorry for your pain. It is totally understandable. We were not created to die. We were created to live a happy and painless life, not to say good bye to our loved ones.

Regardless of anyone's belief regarding what happens after death, in one way or the other we all feel the loss.

Maybe you can make a copy of that check? That way you can cash it and still have that last bit of memorabilia with you.

A hug from your boomer sis, reminding you that the day will come when Christ shall wipe all tears and death will be no more.

Oh Francine, I can relate to your pain. Especially this cheque being, as you say, the LAST thing from them you'll ever get. There's such finality in that, isn't there.

I have a similar struggle. I've been cleaning out the basement, getting rid of all of the clothes we've collected over the years for our trips to Cuba. I found some of Mom and Dad's clothes in amongst the bags, and automatically held them to my face, searching for a familiar scent, then just had to sit down and cry a bag full of tears. I was able to give all those clothes away without too much problem, but I still have one of Dad's favourite shirts, and two of Mom's very favourite outfits up in my closet. I can't bear to part with them. I've tried, but always ended up going back into the bags to pull them out again. So I gave up. I'll hold on to them until it's the right time to give them away.

I can understand your reluctance to not cash the cheque, but maybe the timing of its arrival is no coincidence? My eyes of faith see a touch of divine timing in there...maybe you could put a wee bit of that cheque aside and buy yourself something very special as an "in loving memory" gift to yourself.

From a fellow orphan, with care,
Eagle

[ July 25, 2005, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I am so sorry Francine that you have to go through that grieving again. It is difficult when we see even the smallest thing that can trigger a memory. After my grandma died, my grandpa couldn't take it anymore seeing her things that he begged my aunt to just get rid of them.

I agree with Songbird, make a copy of it. I will add that you put the copy in your Bible, the comfort you will have knowing they are both together with Christ in Heaven!

Hugs and Blessings,
Cathi

Francine - I remember several mos ago I was putting something in the chest that we have with all my son's things and I came across his ponytail -- he had long rich brown hair and when he cut it -- I had kept the ponytail in an envelope. When I opened it and held it in my hand and felt how ALIVE it still was -- it rocked me to the depths of my soul. I was torn between the peace I found in something of "him" in my hands and the grief of knowing it was all I had left of him.

I believe that Eagle Heart and Songbird are right in saying - take a copy for YOU - and then hold it close to your heart -- put on a BIG smile -- and honor them by cashing the check -- finding peace in the knowledge that they are obviously still aware of your needs and have once again come through for you

Francine, All the girls are right. Take a copy of the check. Who could bear to part with the last item they planned for you. They obviously wanted you to have the money. I am sure it arrived just when you needed it the most -- so like our parents to know even if they are in heaven watching over us. I believe mine are doing just that.
My Dad died in 1998 and Mom in 2000. When we were going through their things, I found a dresser scarf she used lots of times. I lifted it to my nose and breathed in her scent. It was almost more than I could handle. I took the scarf, wrapped it in plastic wrap to preserve the scent. Not too long ago I unwrapped it and found the scent was disappearing. I was very distraught. I asked my twin to smell it again. She told me to think about the scent. I thought it was the baby powder she always used, but to my surprise it was the "Charlie" cologne she wore for years.
Now, I am not as distraught about the cloth, if I want to smell her scent, I just open the bottle of Charlie I bought and there she is.
The check will be your scent. It will always be there for you to remember just how much they loved you. Cherish it and do make a copy. Take care Francine.

Sandpiper

Thank you all so very much. I never thought about making a copy of the check ... and I have a copier right here at home.

I still have some memories waiting for me when I return to the states. Most of the pieces of furniture and other items of my mom's remained with my dad until he died. And I was over here in Germany when that happened. Of course, I've been back and have briefly seen and touched, then had to store, those things. But to me, they will bring memories I'll cherish ... as I use them throughout my home.

This check just seemed ... I don't know ... almost like it had a life of its own. I know that's stupid when I put it into words.

But I like the idea of making a copy of it.

And Sandpiper, I know about those special smells. They say smell is our most memory-provoking scent. I wrote a short story about that and how the scent has connected four generations. Sure wish the folks I submitted it to would accept it, lol.

Thank you all so very much. You've been a wonderful blessing.

Blessings, Francine

Francine -

One thing I've learned is that nothing is "stupid" when it comes to trying to explain your emotions with the loss of a loved one

Oh ladies my dear Mother whom I adore is still alive at 85 and upon reading your posts my eyes welled up thinking that this day is coming for me one day when she will be gone and I don't know how to handle it even now. My hearts goes out to all of you.I agree with Lionspaaw that there is nothing stupid about emotion for loved ones living or dead...

Chatty,
I understand what you are saying. This topic has made me think too. I have missed my Dad so much since he passed away. And I will miss my mother too. Like your Mom, she has always been a dynamo, but I can see her fading since Daddy died.
She's like half herself and it makes me sad. It's hard for me to go over there for that reason. I miss my Dad so much in that house that he built with his own hands. It's difficult, but something we all have to face sooner or later.
I guess we just have to be strong and remain in prayer.
smile

You know, it's hard to think about these things happening. Because you always think you won't face it. But the truly awesome thing about God is that He does give you peace during these heartaches. It's like when my husband had a major heart attack, was med-evaced up to Tucson and then 2 days later taken to surgery for openheart surgery before I could make the 70 mile drive to the hospital. If you would've told me ahead of time that I would've had a sense of peace about all that I would have said ... right, and pigs fly. But its true. And it was the same with my Mom.

I think the important lesson is to cherish every day with those we love and live life in the present. That's been a very hard lesson for me ... one I'm still learning.

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt comments and your tender compassion. It's people like you who help when we do face loss.

Blessings, Francine

Smile, I totally agree with Francine regarding cherishing every day those we love. I remember a couple of years ago, my mom was in the hospital, in P.R. My twin sister is the only one living in P.R. and she was so concerned of what would happen to mom and the results of her tests. She could not stand the thought of loosing mom. She used to call me and cry and wonder.

When I told her she was needlessly suffering ahead of time, her attitude changed and she was able to focus in what mom needed at the time. It's in times like those when we need to trust even more in the Lord and live one day at a time. God didn't promise a life without sorrows or difficulties, he promised to be with us each step ofthe way, regardless of what the road brings. That is a comfort for me each and every day.

For now, I just try to make mom feel very special each and every time I talk, write, see her. And I give her all my love! The rest, as hard as it may be, is in the hands of my loving heavenly Father.

And those tests my sister dreaded? They came out
negative! Praise the Lord!

[ July 27, 2005, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Songbird ]

Our God truly is an awesome God.

As I mentioned in my first post, this final inheritance came at a time when we were struggling financially. But I'd like to share the rest of the story

I've been waiting for my book to be published with a small publisher back in Arizona. It's been a long process but the plan was for the book to be published the end of July and I would return in September for the booksigning. Because of the nature of the book, I planned some concentrated marketing in Arizona and possibly California, New Mexico, and Texas. Well, it won't be out by the end of the month. The publisher had some health issues and, thankfully, she's recovering. There were also some problems with the cover art.

We have an authors' group and our publisher sent out an email telling everyone goodbye as she was leaving on her trip to Ireland (which I knew of so her leaving wasn't a surprise) -- but I haven't even seen galley proofs yet.

And then I received an email regarding the booksigning from the coordinator (who would also be handling any important issues while the publisher was gone). So, I emailed her with various questions. After that, I just began praying. I know God wants this book published and so I did something I normally don't do -- specific prayer for myself. And then, I left it with God and seemed to be overflowing with joy.

The book will be out for the booksigning ... my publisher has taken it with her and will be working on it while she's on vacation.

Because I will be going back to promote the book, my husband and I feel comfortable with spending the money AND, not only will I hold my book in my hands for the very first time, more importantly I'll see my grandchildren, my daughter, and my family.

I'm in tears as I write this ... knowing my Mom had a hand (along with God) for making a way when there seemed to be no way.

I pray that this proof of God's control of everything might bless others.

With gratitude, Francine

I'd say you have two powerful guiding angels. What a beautiful, inspiring story.

Thanks, Dianne.

This is why this site is so special ... even though I'm so far from home and familiar things, I feel connected and not so alone.

Blessings, Francine

Francine, thanks for sharing so many stories revolving around this final check. I brings me tremendous joy when others recognize God's grace so intimately. I'm sprinkling blessings on you for your arrival in the states. When is that?

Lion, I don't know how you keep from holding that ponytail every day. But I'm glad you don't because I'm sure you could get stuck in your grief. Your strength amazes me. And you are always so kind to others who are grieving. You have such a compassionate soul.

chatty and smile, cherish every moment with your moms. Also, you might want to jot down questions to ask them when you are in their presence, or on the phone. I can't tell you how often I have a question for Mom about herself, the family, her childhood, raising teens. It's so hard. But the funny is that I usually know what most of her answers would be unless it involves history of the family.

song, you've got it together girlfriend!

Eagle, I can totally relate to the clothes memories. When Mom died all the kids got together and divvied up her belongings. I have several of her jammies boxed in the attic. I also have a black hat of hers that sits on the top shelf in my closet, and never get smashed (I won't let it). It brings a smile to my face when I see it because we have this awesome picture of her in it with a huge smile even though she was enduring chemo and radiation at the time.

Optimum, I love the idea of placin gi tin the Bible. Beautiful.

Sand, would you ever spray alittle Charlie on the scarf and seal it up again?

Just last week I was behind a women who looked to be in her 70's at the food store. She smelled so good, I had to smile and tell her so. Right before I opened my mouth to tell her I knew it was "Beautiful". I bought Mom some later in life and she liked it. It's the lotion I rubbed her legs and arms with(just like I lotioned my babies when they were young) during her last months on earth. So sweet a memory!

I recognize this as a major blessing. Had Mom not suffered and died to cancer I never would have lathered her with lotion. I treasure that memory, but am still sorry she had to suffer.

Hey Dotsy, sorry I didn't get back sooner.

I'm coming back on Sept 11 and will stay till Oct 6 (I think).

You know, it's awesome to see so many strong yet sensitive women here. What a blessing you all have been.

I think sharing memories of our losses helps us realize we aren't alone and confirms how important love is.

Regardless of the pain of loss, I think loving is worth every tear.

Blessings, Francine