The outpouring of pain here is incredible but also wonderful.
We have cyber sisters that will hold us up when the burdens become too great. We have hugs and prayers and lots of love.

First years and tenth years, all can be hard. Try to find a way to incorporate your loved one into the holiday, if appropriate. I tell my son a Christmas story about each of his granparents, he has lost (3) at bedtime each night. He remembers these stories and can retell them to family. I usually cry through the telling but that is ok.

At the Thanksgiving table, when all was quiet, my son looked over at my mother and said "it's ok Mom- Mom I know you miss Pop-Pop, we all do".

I thought she would swallow her dentures. She could only smile at him and we all began to talk at once.

Maybe sometime later she spoke with him about it, I don't know. At least he said what was in his heart.

You are all in my prayers this season as always.

Lynn

My own father passed away many years ago and even thought he had made a new life many years earlier with his new wife and children, he was still missed for the good times we shared....In reading the above posts my heart grows heavy to feel your sorrow at losing a child, one could never imagine that has not experienced it. I dread the day my mother (84) will pass on. The thought alone is almost unbearable. All I have to offer you are my prayers, I hope they help in some small way.

Shortly after my son died I was getting my hair cut and my hair dresser was telling us about how her marriage of 25+ yrs had just ended with a note from her husband that said he'd moved in with another woman -- she was devistated -- just as if a death had occured. She said something about my son having just passed and one woman started telling her that she had no right to "mourn" -- especially when here I was -- mourning the loss of a child ----- and at the same time my sister was in terrible shape due to having had to put her dog down (he was 14 yrs old) -- she kept saying how horrible I must think she was crying over a dog while I was going thru what I was going thru -- and I realized that a loss is a loss -- everyone's pain is equal when it comes to that. So I appreciate - with all my heart - your thoughts and prayers for me and my family for OUR loss -- and my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you that are dealing with your own loss.

I am blessed to still have both of my parents - they're 82 & 84 -- and I know that it's just a matter of time before I will be where so many of you are -- the child missing her mom and/or dad. (Pam - my dad's BD is Dec 29th too)

I have found peace in knowing my son isn't suffering anymore -- I choose to believe that he has painted all those beautiful sunrise's and sunsets just for me (well maybe JJ's dad is painting some of them ) and I believe with all my heart that he is by my side all the time.

But, like you said Kira - when my husband goes silent and I see the tears in his eyes - I know that something has reminded him of Robert - and it breaks my heart to see him ache like that. I wish I could take his pain away, but all I can do is touch his hand or give him a hug and stay close until it passes. And then there is my other son's pain -- he keeps everything bottled up inside and I don't know how to help him. This is so much harder to deal with than my own pain -------- I feel I not only let Robert down -- but his father and brother too.

When I start to get upset I remind myself that the loss of a loved one is not unique just to me. No, we may not all experience the loss of a child but we all find ourselves in the position, sometime during our life, of wondering how we're going to survive this ---

and that's when I - once again - thank DOTSIE for this forum and YOU special ladies for making it all work

lionspaaw, kira, Jawjaw and others who are grieving over loved ones:

I add my prayers and compassion.

Dotsie - You could never PRY

Yes, we talk about Robert all the time - Ashley was his best friend and he loved her dearly -- i know he's very pleased to see her and Travis together

Ashley feels like I do -- she sees/feels Robert everywhere so they talk about him all the time. Travis will remember this and that when we're all together -- but they avoid talking about his death -- that's when Travis - and his dad - go deep within themselves - to a place I'd be afraid to follow. That's when I feel soooooo helpless !!

so I'm not sure where Travis is "at" about that subject. He feels he should have protected Robert somehow -- like he should have known that he was going to do this. I told him the other night that I truly believed we were all "blocked" from picking up on it -- that this was truly God's will that night and there was nothing ANY of us could have done -- Ashley and Colleen almost rode by the house and at the last minute went a completely different way -- Travis had spent the whole night before playing Nintendo with him and not picked up on anything wrong -- Dwight NEVER goes out on his bike at night -- yet that night he did -- and ME ??? there were SOOOoooo many things that I should have picked up on -- that I picked up on night after night after night in the past ------- but none of us did that night.

I know an awful lot of people that lost loved ones in 2001 -- we lost my brother in law and my sister in law and Robert all in the month of August. And others have said the same thing to me -- it happened so quickly -- they weren't sick or they just passed in their sleep --

I know it may sound silly to some -- but I truly do believe that God called his angels home early that year - knowing that September 11th was just around the corner ----- he was going to need some extra help with 3000 + souls heading his way !!

So I choose to believe that my husbands brother and sister stood there in the door and said -- come on Rob -- it's time to go home -- there's work to be done -- and he wasn't alone

My heart and my hope for all who grieve especially at this time of year. I share with all of you. Since my mother passed away, Christmas is especially difficult. She gave us such treasured memories growing up, and even more valued memories in her later years. She had a spirit about her that just warmed the heart and home, especially at this time. We always had a laugh, and it is just not the same. Christmas feels different and somewhat empty. I carry the traditions on, but in my heart there is someone missing. Blessings to all this Christmas season. Dana

Lion, I somehow missed this post a couple weeks ago. thanks for sharing. You are so blessed and wise to think the way you do. I believe you are right. Some things are meant to be.

Perhaps in time the guys will be able to talk about the death. I think it's hard to talk about the specifics of any death, yet it's a part of life. In the end we all must die. there's no getting around it.

Dana, you mentioned carrying on with traditions, but knowing something missing in your heart. I hear your words loud and clear. This is the time of year I miss Mom the most. Christmas was always so special at our home as a child. I think of her when I wrap, shop, bake, decorate, etc. All of these traditions started with Mom. I'll be heading to the cemetery tomorrow to pay her a little visit. I look forward to being alone with her.

We all miss our loved ones, especially during celebrations! Nothing replaces our loved ones! May the memories we share lighten our days!

Helping others in need or hurting can lighten our own burdens.

Christmas is about HOPE. God sent his son, so that we have HOPE of eternal life. Suffering will soon be no more. I thank God for that first Christmas and each new one.

Here's A Christmas Wish for all my hurting boomer sisters:

May the star that shone bright
on that first christmas night
shine new HOPE in your heart
every night of your life!

And with each christmas song
may you recall His Love;
for God gave us his present
to free us at the cross.

Your pain matters to Him,
and each teardrop he sees.
But he promised His Comfort:
He'll be with you and me.
©Rhodi Alers de López, 2004

I pray that we all have a blessed christmas!
HUGS and best wishes!

This Christmas when images of past holidays with departed loved ones flash into my mind, I am trying to smile and be thankful for the memories without missing the times we were deprived of.

The memories are so precious. They are a gift. Undeserved and greater than I could have imagined. I am so grateful for the time I had, the love we shared and the beautiful memories we made. I revel in the joy of those memories. Though I long for just a little more time, just one more smile, one more moment, another memory, I am so grateful for the time we had, how could I ask for more?
smile

[ December 23, 2004, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]