This is the third Sunday in a row I haven't attended church. This is the first time in over twenty years this has happenend. What's wrong with me/us?

This week's excuse is taking the kids to work. Last week Ross was visiting our son at college and I used the excuse that I had to run the kids to work. The week before we were dealing with parent health issues.

I continue to do my daily study. I feel my faith is getting stronger every day, but I'm in this funk with church. I don't feel connected and I don't feel like doing a darn thing to become connected.

I'm teaching a class in the spring, but that's it.

You have to understand this is the church we've faithfully attended since before starting our family. There were weeks we'd be there several times for services, festivals, Cherubs, studies, etc. I even worked there for three years. Any insight? Have you ever hit a valley with your church family?

Dotsie,

I am so happy that you posted this. I am in a valley, too. This is my third sunday of no mass, as well. I don't know why. I keep telling myself I "should" want to go and asking myself "what the heck is wrong with you?" My husband, who has never been much for going to church noticed it the other day. He said, "Gee Honey, you haven't been to mass in a while, is everything okay?" I just nastily replied, "Gee, never thought you much cared one way or the other." He dropped the subject. Of course, I did just move here and I could use that as a good excuse, but I know in my heart that is just an excuse. If I wanted to I would be there. I read my Bible, do devotionals several times a week and still pray. I ask God to forgive me for not worshipping in the "traditional" manner right now. Don't really know what else to do. I have met no one here I can really discuss this with and when I talked with my old friends from my former church, they just say "go, anyway!" But I feel that is a fraud. I should WANT to be there!! Maybe some of the kind ladies here at BWS have the right words to explain what is happening. Thanks for caring.

I'm in the same boat. I didn't attend church for a while because of the wheelchair and my ankle swelling in the cast caused so much pain, but I could have gone this week and last and I didn't.
Maybe it's the season. Dan and I both have the blahs about going anywhere right now.
smile

Dare I say this? If you'd like an outsider's perspective, here you go. I hope I don't offend anyone. I grew up a protestant and was very pious. I memorized dozens of Biblical passages and even went to church during the summer, when you didn't have to, and also sang in the choir. But I've left the church.

As I see it, there are two aspects to church -- the spiritual and the social. When I visit my mom, especially at Christmas time, I often go to church with her. Otherwise, as you know, I'm not Christian. The few times I've been to church in recent years, it felt like I was in a movie theater. There seemed to be very little respect. It was super casual. When I was a kid, we didn't talk out loud in church, and we dressed up. Now I see people in blue jeans and t-shirts and chewing gum. To me it doesn't feel conducive to worship. I've also been to black churches where there's lots of calling out and talking. It's very emotional, but I wouldn't say that it feels any more respectful of God or in the manner of worship. It all seems like a big social gathering. I hear stories all the time about occasions in church where a neighbor will see another neighbor who doesn't like them, and they're all supposed to hold hands, but these people even find ways not to do that.

My mom's church is full of gossip, and some of it was even about the ministers.

In fact, what I think is that if you're at all sensitive to the Spirit, you wouldn't like to be in a church.

DJ somewhere else in the Forum awhile back this was also a topic and I said that I didn't need a building or a bunch of people miling around me to be close to God. I so agree with the aspects of NO RESPECT. I grew up Catholic and we even had to wear a hat in Church. I was appauled at the clothing worn at services at the new Christian church I joined, torn jeans with underwear visible, women with tank tops and no bras, also jeans hanging nearly off their butts. I see little respect for ones self let alone God. I also accidently saw the main Minister and another Ministers wife in a compromising situation. I left the Church in discust...Then one night I realized HEY fool, you don't go to Church to see the fashions or whos booping who, you go to praise the Lord, so I went back and now I ignore all around me except those things I feel appropriate to worship and I talk to God and sometimes when I do see a bad outfit, I say "Lord will you look at that?" And we laugh silently to ourselves. Hey works for me...

Hi Dotsie, it sounds like you're surprised at your own self for not attending after attending religiously. It also sounds like you don't need a church to have faith. It's the church itself your not feeling connected to? Not the faith, right? After recovering from Catholisism, I go to Unity (Unity School of Christianity) but we all know we don't need a building to feel connected to God. I'm sorry, I have no insight for the moment. Love and Light, Lynn

Chatty you are right about WHY we go to church...we have to keep our eyes on Him.

I think most parents are happy to get their children to church at all, and have stopped worrying about the clothes. (And I remember huge arguments with my mother about wearing jeans to church! Now we all do.)

Dotsie, Mrsmuzz, Smile, I've been in the same situation for so long...but now our church is halfway through 40 days of Purpose, and really, the atmosphere has changed a lot. Like it has given people permission to get involved with each other. I have felt motivated to go and have only missed one day (unintentionally) since the programme started.It has been hard to find a seat, the church is packed.If you haven't read this book, I suggest trying it.

The other thing I have to say is that faith isn't about feelings. We keep doing what God requires whether we get an emotional charge from it or not. That's spiritual maturity.

Chatty, I am delighted that you are back in church. I'm not sure why. It just seemed that you loved it so and I'm sure you were a blessing to everyone. Just keep your eyes on the cross and the chaos around you will dim in the joy of being close to Him.

I think my problem is just plain laziness. Seems like things are just more trouble than they are worth. Too much pain and swelling and I am so out of shape from inactivity.

Julie, I did the forty days of purpose a while back. It was wonderful. I've been involved in a lot of other church events, just not Sunday morning services. Maybe next week.
smile

Well, as the wife of a pastor, I'm following this thread with great interest. We always wonder, but rarely get such a glimpse into why people drop out for a while. Thank you for being so transparent with your feelings.

The only advice I have, for what it's worth , is that you do as Chatty said and take your eyes off of man and get them on God. Man will fail you. God won't.

Well, I listened to my husband preach two lo-o-o-ng sermons today, so that's my sermonette! lol!

Is the forty days of purpose you mentioned related to the book about finding your purpose in this life? I can't remember the exact title, but I did read it last year and do the journal excercises. As you may have guessed, since it made so little impact on me as to not even remember the exact title. I came out not any more enlightened than I began.

Mrsmuzz,
I'm with you. I did the Purpose book in a group of people all of whom said it changed their lives. I loved the book, but came out of the program with the understanding that my only purpose is to be myself.
And who in the heck is that?

Still trying to figure that one out.
smile

Thanks for your comments.

Lynn I am surprised at myself. I was the "church lady" for many years. I was in charge of church membership for heaven's sake. I was the church cheerleader and the one who lead the church membership classes. I've always preached about the importance of the community of faith and still believe it in my heart. Maybe I just need a break.

All I know is it doesn't feel right.

Julie, your comment about spiritual maturity is right on and it makes me feel worse, but that's okay. Church attendance is often about discipline. We need to put ourselves inthe building and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. I'm working on it. Maybe this Sunday!

Chatty, you are on the right track. It's not about everyone else. It's about you and your Lord.

Smile, you don't have a thing to worry about. You stay home and take care of yourself. Has anyone from your church been to visit, or made you a meal, etc?

DJ, I hear ya, but I can't agree with the comment about being sensitive to the spirit and not being in a church. MANY of the people in church are full of the spirit. Thank God! Unfortunately, we humans focus on the negativity and the gossip that infects churches. We are all sinful people gathered in God's house. None of us are without sin. It's just that some people's sins are more visible.

Smile, mrs muzz, and Julie, we did The Purpose Driven Life. The Forty Days of Purpose is different, isn't it?

Donna, this is the crazy thing. My eyes have never been more focused on God. Honestly. I draw nearer every day I do my devotional time. That's why this is puzzling.

Some comments to interject in this thread (these are just some thoughts that have come to me and I'm grateful for the chance to ponder them - they've helped me sort some things out for myself – )

I believe that it’s natural to experience seasons of dryness in worship. I sometimes think we are sent these on purpose. We judge everything these days by what we get out of it – “was it good for you?”. We make a lot of our choices based on how we feel or whether it’s of value to us. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes a bad. I believe seasons of dryness are sent to us just to see how faithful we can be. I think God says to us “when I take everything you want out of it – will you still come to me?” We are being stripped of our “self” absorption. We may be faithful in bible reading or prayer, but are we also faithful in worship? He who is faithful in all things ask us to be faithful in a few.

Some Sundays, if it were not for the fact that it’s my turn to serve, or my son’s turn to be crucifer or some other reason we have to be there, then I would be so easily tempted to just stay home. I arrive at church slightly angry with the world and the commitments I’ve made. Rarely does that mood stay. No, the pastor’s sermon was not necessarily the most uplifting that day (some Sundays I can’t even tell you what he spoke about), yes there are people there that try my patience (the elderly lady who’s just a bit pushy and never gets my name right no matter how many times I correct her) and yes sometimes it feels like “going through the motions” – but the anger doesn’t stay.

Somehow the Lord and I are building a relationship. If I judged every Sunday by what “I” got out of it there would be little room left for the Lord. And still He whispers “even when you’d rather be at home, will you still come to Me?”

My other thought is that the heart of Christianity is “fellowship”. We are called to worship together. If you want to be a solitary, then best find some other religion. We work out the imperfections of ourselves through this “doing” church. Is the church full of perfect people? I hope not because then there is no place for imperfect me. Can the church teach me to love imperfect people? I hope so. Does the church hurt people – sadly yes. I’m not sure churches will ever get it 100% right, but they better keep trying.

And just for the record – yes, I’m experiencing the “season of dryness” myself right now and my church is not always a happy place these days because of some conflicts that need working out. But I can’t just walk away. This time of dryness, this period of conflict has so much to teach me about loving as Christ did. An hour of my Sunday seems a small sacrifice of time, compared to a much larger sacrifice freely given to me.

I am so grateful for this place to discuss issues around faith. Thanks everyone. Evie, that's so wise. Dotsie, sorry to make you feel worse! unintentional! please forgive me. I think I am finding 40 days useful because a) it re-focuses on me Christ and b) my husband is doing it too, so we are "in tune".
Today I read in Mark about putting new wine into new wine skins. I need some new habits to match my renewed thinking. Maybe this is your problem, Dotsie, you need new ways of expressing your growing faith - and the old things you are used to doing at church are not a good match? Just a thought.

Dotsie,
Several of the people from church have visited me while I've been sick and a couple brought food. They've been wonderful.
I'm afraid it's just me. It is a big church with several services and no one knows if we are there or not. Like all churches, they encourage small groups, but we're just not in one yet and honestly they seem a little contrived. I'm not sure we want to join one. Mostly I just haven't been able to get us up and out of here on Sunday monring lately. I am just so tired all the time.
Dotsie, with all you do, maybe you're just plain tired also. Maybe you need to rest up for a while. God knows when you're tired and He will still be there when you are refreshed.
Attending "a" church is important, but having "The" Church inside your heart is essential. And Dots, your heart must be full to overflowing. There is no way that you are not in God's will. Love just shines from every word.
Don't stress. Surely we will both be back inside the building with renewed spirits when the time is right.
smile

I have been following this post and I want to put in my 2 cents.

I also have been in a church funk as well. I also believe that this happens to us for a purpose. My own example is the fact that I needed to get back in touch with my personal relationship with Christ.

In my case, I found that I was getting to the point of "playing church" rather than being involved in the worship, spiritually.

Personally, I just surrendered myself to God's Will, so I can allow the Holy Spirit to "nudge me" in which way I needed to go.

God created all of us differently, after all, we have different fingerprints, which would indicate that He wanted someone just like you.

Just as everyone shows their love to their family in a different way, I believe our personal relationship with God is different, as individuals.

Now having said all this, I have started to feel the urge to go back to church. Perhaps it is the Holy Spirit telling me that it is time to go back. I couldn't have said this 2 months ago.

I am likened to compare this scenario to a married couple who need a vacation and some time alone, away from all the daily routine and activities.

I also want to close in saying that I Love you all alot, and God Bless.

Cathi

[ March 01, 2005, 03:41 AM: Message edited by: Optimumsteps ]

Hi,
Wow, I just read all your posts and am going through similar things. How many of you feel overloaded? I believe I see that a lot in these posts and I feel the same way.
I agree about the building and people. I find some of the most critical and most postive people in the building.
Little sermonettes from my mother that I loved.
Going to church is a discipline. Just getting up and going on Sundays and getting there can be tough. Its Ok to miss some Sundays. When two or three are gathered together and it doesn't have to be a building. Mother went to Biola Bible School so I learned to listen to her especially when I didn't feel like going and learned it was OK. Loved the Vacation and yes, we all need them
even from Church.
Maggie

Evie, exactly.

Maggie, here is the way I look at the "When two or three are gathered together..." First of all when you are reading the Bible and getting into The Word, there is already two of you. One of Jesus name is The Word. Even though I have been in a church funk, I still attend my weekly Bible Study with my friends. In truth, I get more out of that, than I did the church.

God Bless,
Cathi

Reading through my Christianity Today this morning, and I came across this article "9.5 Theses on Worship" by Gary A. Parrett. Just wanted to share an excerpt from it that particularly struck me and seems to be along the lines of what we are discussing here:

"Any discussion of worship, then, must begin with the biblical concern for worship as a lifestyle, not merely as a formal gathering that features specifically "religous" actions. This is a them consistently affirmed, in most forceful language, throughout the Bible. In passages such as Isaiah 1:10-17 and Amos 5:21-24, God actually rejects the very worship practices that he had himself commanded of his people - assemblies, sacrifices, Sabbath observances, prayers, and the like - because these actions had been severed from a more fundamental commitment to lives of justice, mercy and humility (Mic. 6:8). Religious actions at religious gatherings of the community were not intended to be substitutes for a life devoted to the true worship of God but, rather, were to be its celebratory overflow."

Any comments? I haven't had a chance to look up the specific Bible references yet, but will.

Another thought I had about your "church funk" Dotsie - does your church offer any other services other than Sunday morning? We have a Tues. night "Quiet Communion" - a short service devoted to quiet prayer, followed by a less formal communion than Sunday. Many find this a much quieter time of devotion than the usual Sunday "hustle-bustle". Perhaps what you need to refresh you, is to change your "style" of Sunday worship??

Just wanted to add that I am thankful for this discussion and everyones thought/perspectives. I hadn't realized how much I am in need of, or miss, a good Bible study or something like it to talk some of these things out. Thanks.

I found this discussion fascinating and eye-opening. I really don't have anything to add to the intense and heart felt discussion, but had to comment. I can say truthfully, there have been times when I talked myself into attending, and times I didn't attend just because I felt a few people were giving me a hard time. (I chair a committee) I believe I carry my faith and beliefs with me always, they may get lost in the hum drum of life, but I know I have always managed to call on them when needed. I try to attend regularly, but I do believe faith is what is in your heart. Great conversation! Dana

I'm taking this all in. Your feedback is helping me sort this out. Thanks. Keep posting...if you don't mind. You'll hear more from me when I get to the root of this.

I just thought of this analogy and was wondering if it makes any sense. Jesus took time out to worship alone. He went away for solitary prayer. Just wondering if that is what we need from time-to-time? Just a time to devote yourself to prayer and comtemplation without the hurry and bustle of the Sunday morning crowd? Jesus returned from his solitude with more conviction than ever before. Perhaps solitary pursuits need to come upon the human soul on an occasional basis? Would love your thoughts....


LM

In talking about the purpose, are you all referring to "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren? The sub title is "What on Earth am I here for?" LLL

mrsmuzz, I love your thoughts about Jesus getting away to pray. I believe wholeheartedly in getting quiet. It's essential.

Dana, I agree that faith is in the heart.

Evie and optimum, I believe it's not what we get out of church, but we we give God while we are there. There have also been times when I get more out of my prayer group or Bible study than Sunday worship.

What I'm realizing while reading these posts is it's not all about me. Imagine that? Worship is about what I give back to God. It's what I need to do to thank Him for the many blessings He bestows upon my loved ones and me every single day of my life. I need to go sing His praises.

Maggie, I believe all churches are made of sinners.

Julie, my husband and I did The Purpose Driven Life together. Are you doing the same, or is 40 Days of Purpose different?

smile, I also believe the church inside us is what's important.

After reading all your posts I've come to a conclusion. I haven't been going to church because I haven't been getting much out of it. How selfish is that?

My butt will be in a pew this Sunday morning. It may not be in my church home, but it will be a church. I can't make excuses for my weak disciplined self any longer. I'm only talking about me here. What everyone else does is personal. I've had my break, my time away to pause and reflect, and it's been good. Thanks to all of you for helping me work through this. I love you for your honesty. It's time for my to worship God in His house again.

please pardon the pity party for a moment - I need to whine.....

I'm beginning to realize I so desparately need that "break" you are talking about Dotsie. We have one of those Purpose Driven pastors who I swear feels its his purpose to drive us all into exhausation! He just keeps coming up with more ideas and things to do and there are precious few to do them. His heart's in the right place, but his workers have left the building. Add to that the heavy fundraising our church is doing right now for a new church, and some serious conflicts in the church and you have one stressful place.

So I guess my question is - how can I give back to God, and worship God without taking on too much? I believe in going to worship, I believe in serving God - so when I say, no I simply can not take on one more thing, am I being selfish?

I know - I need to be more serious in prayer and ask God where he wants me to serve. And then, I need to listen and do that.

How do we know what we are being asked to do is what God's wants of us, and not someone else's agenda???

Sorry, as you can probably tell I have too much on my plate right now and I just got asked to take on something else, and I kinda blew

and so you are heaping the guilt feelings on yourself because you need to say no? Evie, my dear friend, everybody has limits. Its okay to say I want to help, but I can't do this. I have other obligations. Someone else will have to do it. Its okay, and you should! You cannot do it all.

AND GOD KNOWS IT! Its okay....truly. If there ever was a good woman, it's you. I know from whence I speak. I found out from working in charities that there will ALWAYS be things that need to be done. It's like a bottomless well. I also found out I couldn't save every child, I couldn't heal every wound. So, I set limits for myself and when they call if I can, I do....if I can't, I don't.

Know you limits and let HIM (PASTOR) know them too. Better that than taking on too much and having resentment or burn out...Love ya!

JJ

Someone once told me, "it is not what you say, it is how you say it".

Several years ago, I was in the same position. I remember feeling overwhelmed, and I felt that I had to say yes or else I wasn't doing my Christian duty.

I remember one day, when I just couldn't take it anymore, that I poured everything out to this lady, and she gave me a simple answer. She said next time someone asks you to volunteer for anything in the church, answer with "I'll pray about it". At least that way, you will be given the time you need to pray about it, and to listen for God's answer.

I don't know if this helps. In my personal observations, I think too many pastors, and church member use what I call "scripture slamming" in order to put some guilt there.

Now understand, I am not saying this is done intentionally. I believe that the person asking is also very overwhelmed. When we get to that point, we kind of take our focus away from God.

This is just my opinion, base on my own observations.

God Bless,
Cathi

I was thinking this morning that "spritual guilt" is an interesting thing, isn't it?

I have absolutely no problem at work in telling people, "No sorry, I'm very busy right now and can't help you with that" or " I have A & B to do, if you give me C one of them has to go - which one?" but I seem to have trouble doing that in the church world....

Last night I dreamt I almost drowned, twice - once I fell in a lake, but was able to get myself out, and then I was "recovering" in a little cottage being looked after by a nice older lady and the cottage was being flooded all around it, we were struggling to keep the windows from popping out as the water rose higher and higher - and I kept thinking, I was saved from drowing only to drown again?????

I don't have to think very hard to get the message about this dream

Evie, here are my two cents:

First, always pray before you respond. God doesn't want you to burn out doing His work.

Also, REMEMBER THIS: When you say "NO", you give someone else an opportunity to say "YES". The person who said "YES" now has the opportunity to draw closer to their church community. Just think of all the people you've been robbin' of a closer walk with thee.

Now you can say "NO" without feeling guilty. Think about the opportunity you are giving to others.

I'm not being facetious.

All of us have God-given gifts. Before saying "YES" to church work we should be certain we have the specific gifts required to carry out the task. If we do, then we should feel joyful while doing our church duties.

I read that dreaming about water is dreaming about your emotions. Sounds like you might need to let something go. To say no at work could be considered your job so maybe that's why you don't have trouble there.

Anymore, I pretty much say no to everything.

good advice, all

Dotsie, I hadn't thought of my "No" being someone else's "Yes" - good way to put it.

for an interesting article check out:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/2004/004/8.46.html

Evie, thanks for the link. That was a great article. I'm trying to rid myself of the imposter. Here's something I pray daily so I can be certain I'm heading in the right direction spiritually:

More you, less me.

Lately, to make it more concrete, I've been praying:

More Jesus, less Dotsie.

I find He is chipping away at my old self. Always something to work on.

For those who asked, yes the book we are reading is Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life. The program our church is doing is called 40 days of purpose and reading the book is part of it. There are videos and other resources included.

Dots, it's the end of winter there now, isn't it? Is seasonal fatigue part of your malaise?(I'm feeling tired and cranky because our our high humidity.) I'm still trying to work out what my gifts are NOW - not just fall back into the roles I have had before.

Evie, those dreams about drowning are something else. Wow. Drowning with too much to do. And even being sheltered in the cottage and tended to by the lady, the water (stuff) was still bursting at you. What do you do to rest and relax? Love and Light, Lynn

"rest and relax" - what is that??

seriously, I've begun to say "no" to some things, and to try to build some down time into my week and to try and get back to prayer, because that in itself is restful and peaceful, right?

Amen. A day hemmed in prayer seldom unravels. Where did I hear that? Can't remember, but it's true.

I have forced myself to attend Mass every week during lent - feeling much like you do Dotsie - what am I getting out of this??? and of course just as my mind starts to wonder the priests whole sermon is "You are not here for you!!!!" every word out of his mouth was what I was thinking - don't like the music - don't care for this priest etc......... The point was - stop being so me me me!! It really made me think - But I still think somehow we should be able to have it both ways!!! Is that selfish!! This is when I get all confused about my faith - I want to be almost brought to tears by the music or the sermon and that does not happen that often!!! I want to feel my faith when I am in Gods house!!

Ellie, I hear you. Does you church offer different types of services? Traditional, contemporary? If so, you might try a different type of service.

Also, have you been to any of the non-denominational churches in town? Their sermons are very different. Their messages are delivered in a more theatrical style and have a tendency to stir my soul.

Maybe you need a change of scenery? It's okay to move around and try different styles fo worship.

I would love to try one of the non-denominational churches but I like to go on Saturdays - I run all week long and just want one day to sit around in my pjs in the am and drink a cup of coffee - here we go me - me- me !! Have you tried any??or anyone else in the Baltimore area??

I used to attend church in Baltimore. Though that church is going through alot of "upheaveal" and I wouldn't recomend it to anyone at this point.

My friends who have left there are attending Calvery Chapel...I hear it is wonderful. (and they have serveral around the city)!

My thing about church is this....

If it doesn't change your life...why bother going.

If the messages, and the music don't move me to be a better woman, mother, friend...then I'm wasting my time.

You have to find a place that fits for you. Like family. But better! (much better! ha).

My two cents for the day,
Danita

Ellie, try Grace Fellowship in Timonium. They have a Saturday service. It is very different from Catholic mass, but it might be what you're looking for. Their services bring me to tears.
Be prepared. It's like going to a concert. No Beatles though! There's a band set up on the stage. No kidding. No stained glass window. I t looks like a warehouse.

Anyone attend a church like this?

This email came to me and I haven't seen it here.
Thought you might get a kick out of it.
JUDGE NOT
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
by the lights or its decor.
It was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputtter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash,
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well,
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?"
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
And Why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue"
"Hush child," said he. "They're all in shock....
No one thought they'd see you."

Maggie

Love it Maggie - thanks

A poem with a punch line! I love it. hmmm, now who to send it to.....

humbling, huh?

Sometimes I feel like my church is inhabited by skunks! Then I realise that they are just fallible people like me...

I thought that through the 40 days of purpose program God was going to reveal something new for me to do...when in fact the message I am getting is to slow down, take time to look after the important people in my life, de-stress, recognise and enjoy daily blessings...

I guess someone else has been chosen for the dramatic missionary stuff. I'll keep trying to shine my light in my small corner...

Amen, Julie. Wonderful advice.

Your time will come for those dreams if they're meant to be.