humlan, I've just come across this post. Shame on me.

You are so wise and so dear that I have no doubt you will figure out what is best for you. I know there's a lot to think about, but is your biggest issue the computer. If he is not playing games, do you think he will be connecting with you, your son and his son? I have a feeling, he will. Other than the computer games, he sounds like a keeper. YOu two sound very comfy together!

I'm sending togetherness thoughts and prayers your way.

My heart is with you, Humlan. You sound a bit overwhelmed and rightfully so, my dear.

Please keep in mind that any addiction is usually a symptom of something else going on in life. That's not advice, just a simple statement.

Hugs to you.

I haven´t been able to answer or read for about day or 2 because a little person took over our bedroom this week-end..R.s boy. He´s just left with his dad for the long bus ride up to the North..it takes him, the boy I mean 3-4hrs. Dad (R.) will leave him at the Buss Station in Sth. You see he and his mom live up in the north of Sweden. So to visit his dad, his son (I´ll call him D.), has to travel down to us. It´s a tough situation..very very tough..but both R. and D. accept it as part of life..they are much more easy going and accepting than I am. D. was only about 3 when his parents seperated and he is now 12, as I said before.

D.was born premature at 28 weeks, I think.He weighed just under 1000gm when he has born.. his mother had to get 5 liters of blood. She suffered from pregnancy toxemia. Both of them we just around 20yrs of age when they had this traumatic experience. Very very traumatic experience. But D. survived..came home some months later and so did his mom. But both are marked (according to me) by this experience. My SO, too of course..but he´s not one to talk about things too much..to some extent yes,..but not too too much. There was one time I was worried about D. (his son) because he was having problems at school with both friends and schoolwork..but I went too far in my mullings and chewing over things and probably giving advice when it was not needed or wanted. R. is that way and somehow this can be good for me too. Me being the way I am... But I do feel alittle tears well up as I write this bit. I did´t mean anything bad..but it all backfired. I pushed too far..talked too much. I can do that at times. But that was maybe 2-3 years ago and now, we are here! I keep my nose out of their business..and it works ok most of the time.

Mountain Ash, I thought alot about what you wrote about his only relationship and the girl. She is probably much much nicer than me..but we a very very different and that is all he knows. And it, of course, depends on what HE wants too..he may want a quieter, less demanding relationship. I have put this question to him anyway..because in my thinking, this is question that is basic to our relationship. Some men/women don´t want a stimulating relationship..they want more peace and quite.. more delegation and division of roles, whatever they may be..not only male and female type of rolls... I want peace and quiet..space, yes..but I need adventure too.

Dotsie, we "sound very comfy together"..yes, yes we are. And I have LOVED this because I have not felt comfy in my home until now. No unspoken vibs about what I am doing, what music I am listening to, that I am having a whiskey..etc etc. Actually, R. loves me for my weaknesses and blemishes, too. He says that´s what makes me human and not super woman. What a wonderful wonderful thing... to be loved and understood when I eat that bag of candy eventho I vowed I wouldn´t..to myself, of course. No lecture or look that tells me how weak I am (which I am ).. We both like relaxing..taking it easy...

Dancer.."yearning is not love"..I gotta think about that one..can´t you yearn for more in your relationship? And that yearning bring you both to a new place??? This is my spontaneous question now.

My dear R. has gone into his "shell" or "cave" if you will. and it´s difficult to reach him..talk to him. I hope that he is thinking..in the past this would be the case. But now there is the World of Warcraft in his life..so I am never
too sure "where" he is. This gaming is probably a symptom of more..as R. has said himself in our past discussions. Part of it is the sex part..the difficulty of having it, now that my son has moved in with us permanently (2 1/2 yrs ago). The irony there is that his father, my ex hubby, is living in our old house with over 200sqm of space!!! But they can´t live together..so says my son. He loves his father..but they can´t live under the same roof.

I have to wait a awhile for my R. to start talking..I know that he will..well, he has to. In the meantime, I will be bursting with all my thoughts and feelings..and probably sort´of leaking steam now and again, I am sorry to admit.. to his defense, we haven´t been able to really talk as his son has been here this week-end..as I mentioned. I have just given him food for thought. Which makes him very tired almost fatigued..I think he hides behind this tiredness to get space to think..or just to get space. But that´s the things isn´t it..? Should I go on, if we can´t
talk?

Grateful for anything you can add or give me..anyone...thank you so much for just reading this..anyone that does...

Humlan,
That is taking what I said about yearning out of context.
I believe that if one ONLY feels yearning, it is not love.
Yearning is, of course, part of love, yearning to see the one we love, yearning for their safty and health, etc...
But I believe we feel loved if it is love. Love cannot be solely yearning.
If you feel loved in this relationship and you love, then it is love and that is only my own belief. I know people who only yearn to be loved, or loved again, by their S.O.'s and this is a painful position.
All power to you if you feel loved as you love him! If this is the case, with work, anything can be solved in my own opnion.
Simple, I know, but singing and dancing love stories over and over all through my career, one learns a bit about love. I've been exposed to all sorts of love through working and have formed an opinion. Simply as it is.

dancer9

Some people stop really listening if we push the point...you did say R.worked late on the night you posted.So he will have had little time to process the situation.Perhaps its a good idea to prioritise what are your concerns and concentrate on the most important..The here and now.
Is there any chance to get away together .away from his computer .I know of other women who say their husbands come to bed late because of computer use.
You deserve to be happy and a short break at the weekend may be an idea.
Have a good week at work..
MA

Dancer, I get it. I understand what you meant now. AND you are making a very interesting point at the same time..being able to acknowledge that you love and are loved. Sometimes this truth can be frightening too..hmm.

Yes, Mountain Ash..I can stop listening myself if someone pushes the point too long and too often. Unfortunately, I tend to be the hound of heaven (or hell) myself at times..I am aware of this. I just get stuck in a groove and can´t see anything else for awhile.

We are going to take a break in discussions of any kind..as we are both busy both days and evenings until Thursday evening. Then we plan to have dinner out..if we are still alive and kicking..and just check our thoughts with eachother. I have warned him that I can "leak" some during the week because I am frustrated.

Your week.end idea is very very good. I actually have money that my colleagues put together when I had my 60th. We could use it to get away. We have always loved to doing that together! You are an angel..thanks for that one!!!

Hannelore, I love yur new post picture (avatar). I think you look younger..seriously!!!! As tho it makes a difference to who you are, my love.

Well, I may be young in spirit because of the company I have the honor to keep ..both at work and at home. But my bod..now that´s somewhere between 62 and 100yr old. Depending on the day and the situation!

Yes, we may just have to move. The sex thing is a problem that we both miss very much. It was very good...We are actually outside of Sth..pretty far out..beyond the subway system. BUT maybe you´re right? Even further out may be an answer to the economics of the move. Hmmm... We do have a car. Then I thought that I must have talk with my son about the fact that he is 18 and even if he says he´ll be around for awhile after he gets out of school..this spring/summer. I mean..he may not after all..be around. Housing costs ALOT around STH. A three bedroom apartment with 2 bathrooms goes for over 1 million Swedish crowns even if it´s situated pretty far out. I think that we have to start looking at the housing sites again.

I know, Humlan, I'm a biggie for the "straight up," and for the truth, honey.
I know you are hurting and you are feeling so deeply. Please take your time and know that it is one thing for me to say this truth but it is quite another to be able to answer it!
Only you know how to answer it in your deepest of hearts and you take all the time you need to do so.

Love is everything, really. It's nothing to play fast and loose with.

I wish you every bit of dreaming and playing and feeling as you come to whatever conclusion your heart finds.

dancer9

Wow, Humlan, Do you know what your housing costs translate into in American money?
dancer