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#13659 - 01/18/03 11:31 PM alcoholism
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
My boyfriends mother is an alcoholic and its starting to tear the family apart.They finally got her in AA but its only for a week.I dont think a week can possilbly fix it.I feel helpless when my boyfriend gets upset about it.I tell him you cant force her to stop she has to do it on her own.I guess shes been like this for a really long time.How can I help him and his family,what do I say???

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#13660 - 01/19/03 10:47 PM Re: alcoholism
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
I would suggest that your boyfriend first find professional help for himself -- to understand the illness better -- to understand what he can do to help -- to give him someone to talk to. I realize he has you -- but he needs to find someone who knows how to deal with this illness --an "outsider" that doesn't have to "take sides". He can call Southwest Florida Addiction Services or call AA and they will give him a list of al-anon groups.

You can be there for him to talk to as a girlfriend, but it's important he has someone to talk to that isn't personally involved. No matter how much you love someone or trust them -- when it comes to getting down to the nitty gritty -- it's hard to let go and get angry or cry or reach down to the bottom of your soul with someone who is in the position of "judging" the situation. I'm sure you WOULDN'T judge, but an "outsider" will give him that opportunity better -- while you give him the support and love to get through it all.

If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to someone in person -- there are several chat groups and support groups -- professionally run and just people getting together -- here on the internet, and that will be one way you can help him -- find him a place he can get it all out.

Just let him know that you're there for him -- try to find interesting ways to get his mind off things for awhile when he's with you -- let him know that everything's going to work out. Finding a group online for YOU to chat about this wouldn't be a bad idea either -- so it doesn't get too heavy for you -- so you can get some ideas from other girlfriends going through this with their boyfriends. You won't be any help to him if you let this bring you down or cause you to get sick.

Let me know if you'd like me to try to find some of the online resources -- k?

;-)

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#13661 - 01/20/03 04:21 AM Re: alcoholism
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Thanks lionspaaw for the great advice. I think it is great that you offered to give help too.

Tanya, one thing that comes to mind is the whole hereditary component of alcoholism. I think it is important that you make sure your boyfriend is not drinking to cope with his mother's disease. I don't even know if he drinks, but if he does...make sure his drinking doesn't get out of control during this tough time in his life.

Keep filling us in if you want!

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#13662 - 01/21/03 03:09 AM Re: alcoholism
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
thanks lionspaw,and dots.my boyfriend does drink every now and then just beer.like maybe a couple times a week.I've told him to be careful,since alcholism can run in your family,so hes cut down a lot.plus its harder for her if everyone is drinking around her.he just has so much hate towards her it makes me angery.I guess its because my mother means so much to me.I mean shes everything to me.so I m not used to that kind of relationship.by the way she comes home on wed. so everyone please pray that she gets the strength to get better.

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#13663 - 01/21/03 04:32 AM Re: alcoholism
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
There's a very fine line between love and hate sometimes -- the more you love someone the easier it is to feel hate when they let you down or hurt you. There's a whole lot of emotion churning inside both your boyfriend and his mom and if they don't find an outside "outlet" - besides booze - it's going to continue to churn until something gives.

It's perfectly fine that he is angry - but he needs to learn how to deal with this anger. This is a lifelong illness that she has to deal with and she needs all the support she can get - but until your boyfriend gets past the anger - he won't be much help to her, himself or anyone else.

Talking to you is upsetting you - because you're lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with your mom and it's hard for you to relate to his anger at his mom - and that's why I suggest again that he gets some outside help. You don't want this to come between you two and no one wants this to upset you enough to make you ill.

By the way, I think that you're a pretty special person to be willing to go through this with him. ;-)

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#13664 - 01/28/03 05:19 AM Re: alcoholism
Goodgirl Offline
Member

Registered: 01/27/03
Posts: 5
Loc: Washington State
I too think it is absoutly wonderful your trying so hard to help your boyfriend and standing by his side, this says alot about who you are.....a wonderful woman.

As an alcoholic/addict myself in recovery and a woman who seems to need to "fix" things, I would gently caution you to take care to make sure you do not loose yourself in this difficult time. Sometimes we think we are helping someone with good intentions when what they really need is to walk through it more on their own...be able to gain growth through the trial whatever it may be.

Ala-non is a wonderful suggestion!! Healing begins with ourselves. I know first had that I could not begin to heal myself until I first accepted my problem and that.....came through a whirlwind of difficulty, shame and suffering....that I had to feel.....I had to be done.....to surrender......a personal place I had to come to on my own.

Your a wonderful person to care and love so much. An attribute of Grace!! Celebrate your close relationship and love with your own mother and protect that special relationship. It is a big gift. Your a lucky woman and so is your mother.

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#13665 - 03/09/03 02:07 PM Re: alcoholism
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Tanya, how about an update? [Confused]

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