Gimster, I am sorry for your experience. I speak openly about my experience in part to help others see that they are not alone. Here is something I wrote about suicide and sin: "I worried about the fate of my soul, if indeed I had a soul. Parochial school taught me that it was a sin to commit suicide, so I would burn in hell. Surely, my soul was unworthy of any place other than hellfire and damnation." The desire to end the pain may become greater than the call to not sin. HL brings up a very good question.

Princess, I was taught the same thing, except it was the "unforgivable sin" (which I know is not true, now). I also picked up the "unworthiness," and I tried to compensate for that by pulling away from life. I've just recently shared my S thoughts, first to my favorite aunt, then to a sister, then another sister, then some friends (who helped me by letting me talk it out)... since I've opened up, it has come easier to talk about... I doubt I'd speak of it at all if I still had those d*** urges. Rarely does that cold steel in my husband's draw call my name - I'd like to think I've conquered the c*** of it, but the thoughts still come. I just manage them better. I honestly can't believe I'm laying this out here for any and all to see. It's a little liberating, though.

Princess,
Your posts are a joy. I see you as a sensitive, smart,
caring person. Your posts always contribute to whatever discussion they join.
Prayers and blessings... A really big fan...

Wow, Bonnie, thank you so much. Sometimes I think I am too self-absorbed and that I don't reach out to others enough. So your comment means a lot to me. Have you all heard about the shootings at New Life Church in Colorado Springs? That's right around the corner from me. 2 daughters were killed from the same family, and their father was shot. Imagine the pain of that family, the mother to learn that her daughters are dead and her husband is in the hospital with gun shot wounds. I did not know that churches needed security. This mega church has armed security. A trained police officer on volunteer duty as security at the church that morning shot the suspect before he could re-load his firearm in the sanctuary. Hard to take this in. Gimster, it is liberating to reveal your secrets, and discharge the power secrets hold over you. Revealing your secrets gives you back your power, rather than hiding in shame and/or stigma. Also, you mentioned hypnotherapy in another forum to remember your childhood. As a (former) social worker who has done counseling, I would like to caution you that this is not a favored means of therapy. It is far better to take therapy in small, weekly or bi-weekly doses, so that your body, mind, spirit has time to process the information. Therapy is an evolving process, not a one-shot deal.

Princess and Gimster, Bravo for your honesty. But Gimster, I find myself scratching my head at something you said above, if I may ask you, "how do you know now that suicide is not the unforgivable sin as we were taught in Catholic school?" When I see your answer, I will explain the reason for my question...

In Colorado Springs, the media revealed today that the gunman at the church who killed 2 teenage girls and wounded others, killed himself before being apprehended by the security guard. The gunman was 24.

The way I understood it was, if you commit suicide, you have no opportunity to ask forgiveness, even before the act. But according to scripture, all sins are pardonable, except one ... as you see below, it is blaspheming the Holy Spirit.

Mark 3:29 But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.

Matthew 12:31 Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men

Now, is it that you are never forgiven if you blaspheme the Holy Spirit? Personally, true Christians can't do so, but if one was to and repented, I believe they are forgiven. It is if they do it over and over and over again, and it is evident that it is in their heart, they will not be forgiven. Someone with a theologian background could probably explain it much better than I, but I gave it my best shot.

There are varied views on this but gimster quoted the scripture above and if you believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God, then that's the answer....it doesn't matter what any priest, preacher or anyone else dreamed up for their own teachings. The Bible is either truth or it's not! (I believe it is!)

Gimster, As someone who went through a huge amount of cognitive therapy AND who was hypnotised by a psychiatrist when retrieving memories for a murder trial when I was a witness, I must say that Princess Lenora could not be more correct! She is spot on!
You must reveal things to yourself in a way that you can handle them and in the time it take YOU to feel okay about it. It is a hard thing to do, perhaps the hardest thing I ever did in my life, and it was dangerous when I was pushed. It is never good to push.

The mind will remember as it feels it can. It will go at it's own pace if you allow it.

Please take special care and keep us informed as to how you are?

Warmest regards,
dancer9

Gimster, I know of what you speak and I am someone who had to work on her demons.
I wanted to tell you how good it is to hear your progress and how proud I am to see how far you have come! It gives me hope and heart to hear someone like you say how they are doing! You are moving along and that is a beautiful thing!
Thank you for sharing your progress and I hope you will continue to do so. It gives me, and others, hope for all of those who need to do the sort of thing you are doing.
dancer9