I would think this is a very hard time of year to be a step-parent if you have issues with them. How do you decide where to go and who to spend time with if your step-children aren't so itntrested in having you around? Do you simply let your spouse go visit while you stay home?

Thanks for bringing this up, Dotsie.

We never invite ourselves to DH's kid's house. We did spend Christmas w/them last year only because DH was staying w/them for a while due to his job. But it got "antsy" around there with too many people in the house. His SIL was on vacation and could not get much done w/us there. So his daughter said it was "time" for us to leave. Granted, DH did find a new living situation, we just had to get there soon as possible.

His son lives a plane ride away up northwest, so we don't go there and he does not come here. It's basically DH and I. It does not help since our business is very busy during this time of year either.

In fact, DH just asked me what I want to do. I only really want to drive around, look at lights (I don't drive at night anymore). There is a huge luminaria display in another little town that I've never seen in the 20 years I've been here.

So, basically, we go it alone, as we often do. DH does NOT like imposing on his kids and lets THEM decide. If they continue to choose their Mom, then DH just lets them. He will NOT be the one to give them any difficulty in decision-making.

Me? I have learned to shut my mouth and enjoy time w/my husband and dogs and cat. Suffice it to say I've spoken up before and got in big trouble!

There was always the arrangement ever since his divorce that his children spend Christmas Eve with him and I would be there. The children spent Christmas DAy with their mother.


And no, we would not think of joining his ex and his partner.

It worked out well because for my partner, who was from Germany (a long time ago), Christmas Eve is when the celebration occurs in his family.

And now that he and I live far away from both of our families, it's just his daughter here in same town as we are. So she joins with us for a Christmas evening special dinner. We do a serious gourmet large dinner with wine and dessert also. We're aren't from turkey families, so each year it's different. During the evening we open gifts. THis is also a tradition from my family, where my big family had the special meal and gift opening on Christmas Eve.

Then she goes back to her apartment. She is 28. This year I believe her mother will be visiting. But no, we won't be inviting her. We will be having our Christmas dinner and gift opening on Dec. 21st...abit early. I am choosing not to attend an employee/staff party on that evening (food is lousy anyways). But he and I need time to get up to the ski resort a couple hundred kms. away where we will have a snowshoeing vacation on Christmas day...and later come down from mountain to visit some wineries.

So her mother will get to have her daughter during Christmas itself. It's more of a coincidence that this timing occurred. We had no idea until recently her mother was flying into town.

There has really never been any stress with his children about where they should spend Christmas. It really is important that a good amicable arrangement for Christmas begin as soon as possible.

I also believe that there should be no obligation of ex-partners sharing a meal/spending time with present (new) partners. Children need to understand that they can't live in the fantasy of trying to join their divorced parents together again.

orchid, your life sounds so settled. The mountains on Christmas with your honey sounds sweet. You seem very accepting and willing to work at whatever to keep peace. What a lovely example you set for all of us boomer women.

Anne, do you have any local friends who have also lost their moms? I only ask because soemtimes it's fun to get together with people who understand our grief. This week, I am meeting a friend for lunch so we can talk about our moms. Her mother's birthday iscoming up and her mom and my mom were best friends. They have both died and we celebrate their friendship and reminisce about them near their birthdays. I recommend it. It's nice to set apart time to talk about our moms with people who knew them well.

Di, it sounds like you've learned to go with the flow. That's a good thing. Go see the lights and have fun with your hubby. I also enjoy driving around and looking at Christmas lights. We did it when I was a kid too.

The holidays are difficult for my hubby. He is estranged from both of his daughters. They are both highly selfish, hateful young women, especially the younger one. Last Christmas was our first one not having them here. They are angry about virtually everything and blame their Dad for all of it. It's a long, long story and I won't carry on about it in this post but he sits and cries at times and wonders why and how they could be so mean. The youngest daughter wouldn't even allow us at her wedding this past August. THAT was a very strong statement that she made. It's been heart wrenching to watch this unfold over the past several years that I've known him. I have never seen two young adults (25 & 27) so narcissistic and cold hearted. So, the holidays can be very bittersweet as he has no family and those that I have left try to include him and make him feel a part.

LadyJane, I used to sell homes in vacation spots in Spain to Germans.
It was very strange, but almost all buyers were escaping from some estranged family situation. There were many very bitter and saddened Boomers who tried to make a new start in a foreign country.

I’m so sorry to hear that your husband is going through such heart wrenching pain. How very lucky that he has you to be his family and help him carry on.

Isn't it awful that these people hurt so bad that they feel they have to run to get away? But I understand it. I fight so hard to NOT be bitter about anything in my life because it only hurts the bitter person and those that are closest. And, of course, the holidays seem to bring up so much....any little sore spot within us is magnified. Last year, while angry about the situation with his daughters, my husband strung lights and decorations like I've never seen him do before. All the while on a ladder lighting up the house, garage, side shed in the cold he cried like a baby. It's so hard and I get VERY angry about his treatment. I've seen him do way too much for those girls out of love and they are so terribly selfish that they can't even think of what this is doing to him. So sad.

I think the X wife causes a lot of the bitterness or standoffishness some kids feel. Through the years, I'm sure words have been said.

My DH feels "something" but cannot pinpoint it. Even though his kids tell him they love him, and I know they do, it's just a bit uncomfortable. Divorce is NOT something that anyone, in my opinion, enjoys! The kids do really suffer. After all, their family unit is crushed. I feel very badly and have told my step-daughter that, if I die before her Dad, I'd love to see her parents remarry just so they can have them together!

However, that being said, my DH is one to not say ONE WORD and allows his kids (35 and 37 now) to make their OWN judgments. Eventually they see how the mother is/has been. Not saying that DH is perfect either! But he does get hurt when his daughter went to see her other over the summer (while she was pg with #2) and never once asked to come here. He was very hurt. Wouldn't you be? But, I keep my mouth shut. If she ever asks, and she has asked what Dad felt about something, I'll then say "Ask your Dad". I will NO LONGER GET IN TROUBLE for speaking for him...'cause I am usually WRONG in my response.