I've been widowed for three years and am still wondering "where to now?" After receiving greif counseling, and reading just about every book on widows, I'm still without direction. I am constantly drawn to articles of people who "reinvent" themselves but the people being reinvented always seem to have great college degrees in their backgrounds or have worked in the corporate arena for 30 years with a tremondous amount of contacts. For me, I have only a "degree" in life experience. I was married at 20...had my first child at 21 and my third and last child at 29....worked only at jobs that I could be home for the kids after school...divorced after 19 years of marriage and spent 5 years as a single mom and full time worker to support the kids in a very non-satisfying job. I was blessed to meet the man of my dreams at 45, married and continued working full time. My husband was older than I and retired early at 61 -- he asked me to leave my job so we could enjoy life together even though money would be a little tight. I hated my job and jumped at the chance to enjoy the wonderful life we had even more (I was 55). Unfortunately, we only had a year and a half before he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died six weeks later. That was 3 and a half years ago and I'm still looking for direction -- I'm 60 now and I have taken widows benefits from social security (another thing I don't understand) and I have half of my late husbands pension. I live in New York (where I have always lived) and my children live in Pennsylvania, Nevada, and North Carolina. Anyone who can give my any suggestions, or if they have gone thru any of this, I'd really appreciate any help. I really don't want to stay "lost" forever. Thanks for listening...

Dear Char222, I'm sure you will be getting some advice here. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I can't speak from experience, but I can tell you how my Mom coped with my father's death.

Shortly after he died she took a course in real estate. As soon as she got her licence she got a job at a real estate office near our home. Her colleagues were a merry bunch, and it was just what she needed. She hardly sold anything, but that didn't matter. Evenings she mourned deeply, but her life during the day, helped her recover and find her way back to herself.

So, I guess the secret is distraction and keeping yourself busy. Connect with happy people, and set yourself little goals. My mother was a housewife her entire marriage and didn't have a clue about business. She was totally dependent on my father, never did any paper work, or paid any bills. Not only was my father the love of her life, he managed everything. So believe me when I say if she could do it, you can too.

Just posting here is a step in the right direction. We'll help you along, step by step.

Welcome to the forum, Char222. You have had quite a few major changes lately, haven't you? I am going to quote you so I can answer as thoughtfully as possible.

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For me, I have only a "degree" in life experience.

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You are talking about yourself in the deficit; you may want to turn your conversations about yourself in the positive so you can begin to see possibilities.

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he asked me to leave my job so we could enjoy life together

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How absolutely beautiful that you had time with a man that adored you just so he could spend time with each other. How tragic to loose that. Oh, I hope that doesn't sound trite, I mean it sincerely.

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That was 3 and a half years ago and I'm still looking for direction -- I'm 60 now and I have taken widows benefits from social security (another thing I don't understand) and I have half of my late husbands pension.

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I assume there is a question here, but I am not sure what you are asking. Are you finacially okay? Do you need more money to live? Do you have social security questions?

There are lots of women that have great advice and thoughts on each of those questions, but if you were more specific, your replies might be clearer.

You sound like a strong, open woman, who wants and deserves to be happy. I congratulate you on reaching out. Again, welcome.

Dear Char222,

I am so sorry to hear of your heartache. I can only imagine how painful it must be to feel so lost and alone. I can relate, but only in thought, because my hubby is 10 years my senior, and is now 64. (I have always been a homemaker and financially dependant on him). For a long time I worried about this, and what on earth I would do if he should die anytime soon, especially since we have left my hometown and moved away from all family and friends. As a Christian, this has been a part of my "growing" process these last two years and it has not been easy.

One of the things I have done is to learn something new to expand myself and my world, and that has been the computer. Something I said I would never do, as it sat on our desk for 3 years before I would even turn it on. I am learning new skills and I've gained an interest in writing. I am very blessed in that my husband is a computer guy so he is teaching me. I've been very thankful that I didn't have to go back to school, but that might be something that would interest you. We all have gifts and talents, and sometimes it is the painful circumstances that open up those doors to discovering them. I know it can be scary, but it can also be a wonderful new adventure in our lives. Praying God's richest blessings for you during this time of discovery...

Dear Char222,
I haven't been in your situation, but I am sorry that you are feeling lost. That I can relate to! I have found that what helps me is to start really looking at what I have accomplished in my life. Every success, no matter how small, can help you find yourself. Sometimes it's so difficult to find positive things, but they don't have to be earth-shaking successes. For me, raising two children who turned out to be wonderful young men, husbands, and fathers is something I'm really proud of. Learning how to train my dogs; learning how to bake a cake without everyone hiding it as soon as they tasted it are both successes in my book.

One other thing I do is imagine what I would do or where I would be if money were no object and I knew I couldn't fail. It sounds like such a small thing to do, but that's how I have found my passions of helping others, writing, teaching, and so many other things I enjoy.

I also try to keep a gratitude journal - I write 3 things that happened that I'm grateful for. Often these are small things like finding a parking space in the shade, only hitting one red light on the way to work, being complimented on something I'm wearing.

I'm sure there will be lots of other suggestions from the ladies here - they are so fantastic!!

Char222,

Prill Boyle, one of our Boomer Associates wrote a wonderful book Defying Gravity that spotlights some amazing women who have done amazing things after they reached a certain 'age'. Her website/blog is http://www.prillboyle.com/ I'm sure you will find it and her encouraging.

My question to you is...if there were no limits...what would you want to do...what floats your boat or cranks your tractor as we say in the south...

Once you've figured that out...look at it in detail...what is the essence of it...sometimes it's easier to find a way to have the essence of what we want...

For example if you would love to be a Doctor...but don't want to start on such a rigorous study...what is the essence of it...helping people to feel better...then how else might you do that...maybe volunteering at the hospital would do it...maybe starting a grief group of your own helping other women who are going through the same thing you are...just an example...but you get the idea...

Asking yourself the same questions that you asked us...and journaling the answers might reveal some things to you as well...

Good luck...I know you'll find just the right things!

Char222, I'm sorry for your grief and you're not knowing your purpose right now. I haven't been in your circumstance, but the advice from the other gals here has all been great.

If you're having trouble thinking what you would do -- are there any "lost dreams" that you had to put aside many years ago? And what, more than anything, makes you happy now?

Welcome to the Forums. We greet you with open arms and open hearts.

So glad you've come here. It has been one (1) difficult, painful year since my husbamd passed last July 9. I am slowly becoming again, the woman he fell in love with. I must say that Hospice Grief Support helped me tremendously. I've read every book on grief and widows I could get my hands on. Many resources speak of re-inventing oneself. Its not all that its cracked up to be, in my opinion. We've loved, were lovable and capable of many things before our loved one was take from us. I for one, believe we can be who we were, only better, stronger and learn to care for ourselves and others in loss, the grief, the bills, the mortgage and the loneliness, I nearly fell apart when the smallest household task required fixing. I can't tell you how good it felt when I successfully solved one thing at a time. Over time, and its a short time for me, I've become stronger and while I am still often fearful of the unknown, I have become more capable and stronger. I focused on work and "willed" myself strong enough to earn a promotion. I can barely keep our house but I am speak to him constantly and pray often and feel closer to God than I ever have. I hope that some of what I have said will inspire you and help you realize just how far you've come. You have faced excruciating pain and are reaching out to others to learn still more about moving through this new path. Blessings to you my brave new friend! Please share more with us. This is such a wonderful place to come for love and support.

Cynthia "cynthyy"

char, I just want to welcome you and share that I'm grateful you were brave enough to begin talking with us. We're always around when you need soemtone to chat with.

Hello Everyone.....I am wiping away tears of happiness and gratefulness as I respond to you all now. You have all given me such a feeling of hope and my feelings of lonliness are beginning to heal. This website is awesome!!Your suggestions are wonderful!!! Thank you all soooooooooooooooo much! My first step will be to get much better on the computer so I can fully enjoy all this website offers (like the teleseminars)... Wish me luck!

Char222, I am also a Char, short for Charleen but in here they just call me Chatty...I too am a widow. I lost two husbands in my lifetime. Its hard, one of the hardest things we women left behind must face, BUT believe me it does get better. We never forget but we do survive and go on. Have faith and know that there is something special coming to you one day, you've already found BWS.

Chatty....I'm Charlene (I've seen so many spellings!) too! When I was younger my friends always called me Charlee - I used to really like it....who knows, maybe I'll go back to it now as I try to find a new "normal" in life.
I'm so encouraged by you -- two such losses -- you must be a very special and strong lady. Thanks so much!.

She is!

Char - I was widowed at 23 and wandered around in a fog for quite awhile. Even after remarrying and having children - there was always that little "nag" inside. Then a few years back we lost our 23 yr old son, and I looked at life (and death) totally differently.

Now I'm probably going to sound like a space cadet - but hey - it works for me

What would you be doing this morning if your husband was still "physically" with you? What advise would you be asking from him today? What do you think he would tell you? He's still listening and he's still right there with you. What you have with your husband can't be interrupted by "death".

All the books I read and Hospice's counselers talk about death like it's the "END" -- but if you believe there's a heaven and you believe that God is watching over you and listening to you, then why is it so hard to believe that our loved ones aren't standing right there next to you too? Supporting you, guiding you, loving you just as much as they were when physically standing right there with you. Why don't we look at death as a NEW BEGINNING?

I miss the physical touch of my son when he hugged me each morning but I still feel his presence everywhere and it makes me smile. I look at the clouds and sunsets and baby birds in a totally different light now. I have an inner peace that I've never known before - because I know that I'm never alone - even when there's no one physically around me. I have to "share" God with everyone else, but my son is always there "just for me"

I believe that our loved ones "beyond" are always trying to reach us - but they can't "break through" any negativity - and grief is one of the strongest negative emotions we will ever experience. It can take us down so deeply that one wonders if we will ever find our way out of the darkness.

So what works for me is --

I get up every morning and walk outside with my dogs and say "Goodmorning Robert" - "What a beautiful day" -- even if its stormy and raining -- it's a beautiful day -- because I know God and my loved ones are watching over me.
I live my life to make them (God and Robert) proud. I try new things - it doesnt matter if I "succeed" at it -- I'm never a failure because I TRIED

I don't have time in my life for saddness and grief anymore. What good does it do? It won't bring my son back and allowing all those dark emotions in my heart won't allow me to "see" and "feel" -- and since that's all I can have until I join up with him in heaven one day - I simply say STOP IT -- MOVE ON when those waves of grief try to roll over me.

Now I realize that we're talking about your spouse, your soul mate, the love of your life -- and not my child, but grief is grief -- and everyone's grief is personal -- so whatever may help -----------

So here's my daily recipe -- you take a little bit of this and a little bit of that -- add a pinch of memories and common sense -- a tsp of silliness -- roll it up and pat it out and while it slowly bakes -- let the relaxing aroma seep deep into your soul ----

Then make this morning the first day of the rest of your life

Carolyn

lionspaaw...

Thank you for sharing that encouraging advice...there's something in it for all of us!

Char
this forum has many wonderful women who have experienced life.
Think o the positives...list them and read them daily.Your children settled in different places....can you visit them and share time.Another thing is New York will have galleries and museums where you can focus on the arts. Put your make up on do your hair and I am sure you will meet others doing the same.
You speak of not having a degree ..is there an area that attracts you...its never to late to study .It can be whatever lies in your heart.Tracing family roots or joing a readers circle.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are..
Mountain ash

Char22,
I'm so happy to see you in here again! You've come to the right place for friends to lean on and for hearts to open up and share. Course you've already seen that, haven't you? Isn't it grand?

Keep us posted on your progress and let us know what's up with your new "normal," won't you? And don't forget to do something totally out of character. Why not? What do you have to lose?

I took a cake decorating class. Okay, so maybe I was the first woman in the history of cake decorating classes to flunk out, but so what? And I truly did not mean to knock that woman's cake off the table. I swear it. Even if she did say my frosting sucked. I may not be able to make that stupid frosting just right, but when it comes to making roses, you want me on your team.

Do something. Do anything. But make sure it makes you smile.

Sending hugs, JJ

Wow....you guys are great!!! I have been so encouraged by you that I have just volunteered to usher at a local theatre for the season - I get free tickets after I do four shows and have already invited a friend to see the production of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. I've been "playing around" on the computer trying to learn more - OK I admit I did something and the thing froze - had to call my son-in-law in North Carolina for help but I feel so much better not letting this thing intimidate me!! Also put my name in to host at the Hampton Film Festival...hope I get chosen! I'm trying to take it one step at a time so things don't seem so overwhelming - my children being so far away is really hard but I'm trying to put it in perspective that probably I'm not the only mother who has no children living near her. Thanks to all of you for your encouraging thoughts.
Lionspaaw...So sorry for your losses...I too believe my Husband is near me always and believe it or not he has given me "signs" to let me know he's near. My husband always told everyone his luckiest number was 222 because out first date was Feb. 22. I can't tell you how many times when I have been upset or even happy about something special that 222 will show up somewhere - its been on a wall, or on the digital clock, a license plate, a grocercy receipt, etc. We had always wanted to take my kids and grandchildren to Disney in Florida - last year we all went and I was feeling a little low inside that my husband wasn't with us physically as we were entering Epcot. Suddenly my son said, "mom, look up on the monorail standion" There it was - 222!!! It really brought a smile to my face. Your reply helped me to remember this - thanks for putting the smile back on my face!!

Love to all!
Char

And you put a smile on my face with the 222. How cool is that? I know a woman who ushers at the Lyric and she gets to see all the shows for free. She loves it. WHat a great thing for you to do.

Now that you are fishing around online, you may want to google soemthing like widows in Long Island, NY just to see if anything that interests you comes up. You never know. There may be a group of women already meeting.

Lion, I know this is the month Robert died, right? I'll be thinking of you and praying you see a few butterflies soon.

Hi everyone, hi again Char222. Glad to hear you've got some exciting things going.

Today, for me, is difficult. Dave's birthday, he would have been 58 today. Its been 13 mos. since he's gone. I talk to him and God constantly. They watch over me I'm sure of it. I treasure my Boomer family and can't thank you all enough for your support. God bless you all! Cynthia

Evening everyone-Mind if I jump into this conversation? Char-I can certainly relate to feeling lost and without purpose. After 35 years of taking care of husband, home and family, I felt I was lost in limbo when my husband died. For all those years, I never questioned my purpose in life, I knew where I belonged and what I was supposed to do. Then suddenly, I was rootless, without purpose (I thought). It's been almost 3 1/2 years now, since I lost Mel, and it's taken awhile to find my new purpose on the planet. I figured out what I wanted, what I knew how to do, upgraded my skills a bit and jumped in feet first. I don't have a degree either, but I'm not going to let that stop me; I figure I have the equivalent of at least an associate degree in life. So far, I've had some small successes, just enough to whet the appetite for more. I'm working right now on my book about being a widow and how to cope with making a new life without a husband. It sounds like you've already found a way to distract yourself, get out of the house and make some new friends. And of course, you have all the new friends here as well. Welcome to the group!

Char222

I love to hear stories like your 222 Soooooo many times I am reminded that we are not alone

Yes, Dotsie - This is a hard month for us. Hubby's brother passed on Aug 12th, his sister Aug 21st and Rob on the 27th -- all that same month of the year 2001. And now we have to add his youngest sister Joni's birthday on Aug 16th and her passing this past Nov. It wouldnt hurt my feelings to "skip" August

But as far as Rob's "anniversary date" goes -- I celebrate his BIRTHDAY on Feb 24th and try not to think too long on his "deathday"

Carolyn
www.shurepetsproducts.com

Carolyn, you are in my thoguhts and prayers this month especially. And today is one of your dates so please know I'm carrying you girlfriend.

((((( THANK YOU DOTSIE )))))


Carolyn
www.shurepetsproducts.com

I believe we bump into angels, yet don't realize it b/c they're invisible to our eyes and intangible. Thus, Cynthy, Copygal and Lionspaw, I believe your loved ones are watching over you. Where a door is closed, a window opens -here are where the angels are.