I've been widowed for three years and am still wondering "where to now?" After receiving greif counseling, and reading just about every book on widows, I'm still without direction. I am constantly drawn to articles of people who "reinvent" themselves but the people being reinvented always seem to have great college degrees in their backgrounds or have worked in the corporate arena for 30 years with a tremondous amount of contacts. For me, I have only a "degree" in life experience. I was married at 20...had my first child at 21 and my third and last child at 29....worked only at jobs that I could be home for the kids after school...divorced after 19 years of marriage and spent 5 years as a single mom and full time worker to support the kids in a very non-satisfying job. I was blessed to meet the man of my dreams at 45, married and continued working full time. My husband was older than I and retired early at 61 -- he asked me to leave my job so we could enjoy life together even though money would be a little tight. I hated my job and jumped at the chance to enjoy the wonderful life we had even more (I was 55). Unfortunately, we only had a year and a half before he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died six weeks later. That was 3 and a half years ago and I'm still looking for direction -- I'm 60 now and I have taken widows benefits from social security (another thing I don't understand) and I have half of my late husbands pension. I live in New York (where I have always lived) and my children live in Pennsylvania, Nevada, and North Carolina. Anyone who can give my any suggestions, or if they have gone thru any of this, I'd really appreciate any help. I really don't want to stay "lost" forever. Thanks for listening...

Dear Char222, I'm sure you will be getting some advice here. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I can't speak from experience, but I can tell you how my Mom coped with my father's death.

Shortly after he died she took a course in real estate. As soon as she got her licence she got a job at a real estate office near our home. Her colleagues were a merry bunch, and it was just what she needed. She hardly sold anything, but that didn't matter. Evenings she mourned deeply, but her life during the day, helped her recover and find her way back to herself.

So, I guess the secret is distraction and keeping yourself busy. Connect with happy people, and set yourself little goals. My mother was a housewife her entire marriage and didn't have a clue about business. She was totally dependent on my father, never did any paper work, or paid any bills. Not only was my father the love of her life, he managed everything. So believe me when I say if she could do it, you can too.

Just posting here is a step in the right direction. We'll help you along, step by step.

Welcome to the forum, Char222. You have had quite a few major changes lately, haven't you? I am going to quote you so I can answer as thoughtfully as possible.

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For me, I have only a "degree" in life experience.

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You are talking about yourself in the deficit; you may want to turn your conversations about yourself in the positive so you can begin to see possibilities.

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he asked me to leave my job so we could enjoy life together

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How absolutely beautiful that you had time with a man that adored you just so he could spend time with each other. How tragic to loose that. Oh, I hope that doesn't sound trite, I mean it sincerely.

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That was 3 and a half years ago and I'm still looking for direction -- I'm 60 now and I have taken widows benefits from social security (another thing I don't understand) and I have half of my late husbands pension.

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I assume there is a question here, but I am not sure what you are asking. Are you finacially okay? Do you need more money to live? Do you have social security questions?

There are lots of women that have great advice and thoughts on each of those questions, but if you were more specific, your replies might be clearer.

You sound like a strong, open woman, who wants and deserves to be happy. I congratulate you on reaching out. Again, welcome.

Dear Char222,

I am so sorry to hear of your heartache. I can only imagine how painful it must be to feel so lost and alone. I can relate, but only in thought, because my hubby is 10 years my senior, and is now 64. (I have always been a homemaker and financially dependant on him). For a long time I worried about this, and what on earth I would do if he should die anytime soon, especially since we have left my hometown and moved away from all family and friends. As a Christian, this has been a part of my "growing" process these last two years and it has not been easy.

One of the things I have done is to learn something new to expand myself and my world, and that has been the computer. Something I said I would never do, as it sat on our desk for 3 years before I would even turn it on. I am learning new skills and I've gained an interest in writing. I am very blessed in that my husband is a computer guy so he is teaching me. I've been very thankful that I didn't have to go back to school, but that might be something that would interest you. We all have gifts and talents, and sometimes it is the painful circumstances that open up those doors to discovering them. I know it can be scary, but it can also be a wonderful new adventure in our lives. Praying God's richest blessings for you during this time of discovery...

Dear Char222,
I haven't been in your situation, but I am sorry that you are feeling lost. That I can relate to! I have found that what helps me is to start really looking at what I have accomplished in my life. Every success, no matter how small, can help you find yourself. Sometimes it's so difficult to find positive things, but they don't have to be earth-shaking successes. For me, raising two children who turned out to be wonderful young men, husbands, and fathers is something I'm really proud of. Learning how to train my dogs; learning how to bake a cake without everyone hiding it as soon as they tasted it are both successes in my book.

One other thing I do is imagine what I would do or where I would be if money were no object and I knew I couldn't fail. It sounds like such a small thing to do, but that's how I have found my passions of helping others, writing, teaching, and so many other things I enjoy.

I also try to keep a gratitude journal - I write 3 things that happened that I'm grateful for. Often these are small things like finding a parking space in the shade, only hitting one red light on the way to work, being complimented on something I'm wearing.

I'm sure there will be lots of other suggestions from the ladies here - they are so fantastic!!

Char222,

Prill Boyle, one of our Boomer Associates wrote a wonderful book Defying Gravity that spotlights some amazing women who have done amazing things after they reached a certain 'age'. Her website/blog is http://www.prillboyle.com/ I'm sure you will find it and her encouraging.

My question to you is...if there were no limits...what would you want to do...what floats your boat or cranks your tractor as we say in the south...

Once you've figured that out...look at it in detail...what is the essence of it...sometimes it's easier to find a way to have the essence of what we want...

For example if you would love to be a Doctor...but don't want to start on such a rigorous study...what is the essence of it...helping people to feel better...then how else might you do that...maybe volunteering at the hospital would do it...maybe starting a grief group of your own helping other women who are going through the same thing you are...just an example...but you get the idea...

Asking yourself the same questions that you asked us...and journaling the answers might reveal some things to you as well...

Good luck...I know you'll find just the right things!

Char222, I'm sorry for your grief and you're not knowing your purpose right now. I haven't been in your circumstance, but the advice from the other gals here has all been great.

If you're having trouble thinking what you would do -- are there any "lost dreams" that you had to put aside many years ago? And what, more than anything, makes you happy now?

Welcome to the Forums. We greet you with open arms and open hearts.

So glad you've come here. It has been one (1) difficult, painful year since my husbamd passed last July 9. I am slowly becoming again, the woman he fell in love with. I must say that Hospice Grief Support helped me tremendously. I've read every book on grief and widows I could get my hands on. Many resources speak of re-inventing oneself. Its not all that its cracked up to be, in my opinion. We've loved, were lovable and capable of many things before our loved one was take from us. I for one, believe we can be who we were, only better, stronger and learn to care for ourselves and others in loss, the grief, the bills, the mortgage and the loneliness, I nearly fell apart when the smallest household task required fixing. I can't tell you how good it felt when I successfully solved one thing at a time. Over time, and its a short time for me, I've become stronger and while I am still often fearful of the unknown, I have become more capable and stronger. I focused on work and "willed" myself strong enough to earn a promotion. I can barely keep our house but I am speak to him constantly and pray often and feel closer to God than I ever have. I hope that some of what I have said will inspire you and help you realize just how far you've come. You have faced excruciating pain and are reaching out to others to learn still more about moving through this new path. Blessings to you my brave new friend! Please share more with us. This is such a wonderful place to come for love and support.

Cynthia "cynthyy"

char, I just want to welcome you and share that I'm grateful you were brave enough to begin talking with us. We're always around when you need soemtone to chat with.

Hello Everyone.....I am wiping away tears of happiness and gratefulness as I respond to you all now. You have all given me such a feeling of hope and my feelings of lonliness are beginning to heal. This website is awesome!!Your suggestions are wonderful!!! Thank you all soooooooooooooooo much! My first step will be to get much better on the computer so I can fully enjoy all this website offers (like the teleseminars)... Wish me luck!