I have written about my addict son and all the trouble he has caused over the years for myself and my other two children. A while back he went to a treatment centre in another town and things were going good. That is until there was a flood warning and everyone had to go somewhere but could come back in a month. This meant my son stopping treatment but they sent him to a temporary recovery house. They usually go to a recovery house after many months of treatment. My son didn't last long at this and he was doing so well at the treatment centre. It's a shame. He got kicked out within two weeks for something, not drugs but he lies so I really don't know the reason. Anyway he got himself welfare and an apartment and a job and a girlfriend. She lived at another recovery house, they met at an NA meeting.

He has phoned off and on asking for money until he gets paid. He needed work boots etc. as he was working for a roofing company. He needed food for lunches. So I sent him money more than a few times trying to be supportive as he was trying. He got fired and I was not really surprised. I hoped for the best but he has never had a job for long. He probably slept in one too many times or didn't go in at all which is what usually happens.

Anyway, long story short he came back to my town unannounced and said he had nowhere to go, no money etc. etc. He brought along his girlfriend, she has no job or no money either. He told me that with her last welfare cheque she bought a $130 dollar hair straightener and make-up and it ticked him off. That really made me mad.

I was tipped off by my mother in-law that he was in town as he had called her because he can't call collect to my phone. I don't have that service luckily. So, he called me non stop at work today and I didn't answer the phone as I knew it was him. Both phones were going off at the same time constantly, my cell and work phone. Luckily I work alone in an office most of the time and today I was alone. I finally unplugged the phones. I called my ex as I knew if he couldn't get me he would call him until he could reach me. My ex said he was coming over but that he didn't like the idea and would put him up for one night but that was it. So, tonight I am saved but if my ex tells him to leave tomorrow, he will harass me non- stop as he has no place to go and now has his dead beat girlfriend with him. She also collects welfare but won't get another cheque for a while.

Last time my son called, a few days ago saying he needed money for food, I told him that I couldn't keep doing this. I'm a single parent supporting two kids and my rent is more than half a months pay. I don't have alot to spare. He begged me, said he was starving and told me if I gave him money one more time that he would never ask me again.
He was going to get a job that day that paid cash daily. Then a few days later, he's here, with her, no money, no food, no where to live, nothing. He is 22, she is about the same age.

I need some help to stay strong. He called me tonight and asked if I could meet up with him. I said that would be nice but did he want something? He said maybe and I reminded him that he told me he would never borrow money from me again. He said he never said that. I told him he did and that I am going to hold him to it. He didn't like that. Then said, "can you bring some chips and pop over, we are watching a movie" I said no. He said he had to go.

I know that this is not the end. He will call me tomorrow demanding that I help him. This is never going to end. He is a leech. I'm worried for my other kids as he knows that they have jobs and he may try to get money from them. He may do this for years.

Just some strength needed, support to stay strong. I don't want to help him, don't feel that I should help him at all.
They are both young, fit, able to work but continue to depend on me and others in the family to pay their way. Yes he has issues, maybe mental health issues and addictions etc. but I am going to lose my sanity very soon if he keeps going down this road. It seems like there is no end in sight. He gets help for a while and then is right back at it. Playing the victim, wanting to be saved. Thanks for listening. (reading)
Kate

Don't know if this is possible Kate, but what if you sent someone in your place to him; someone like a youth consultant, or someone informed on how to find a job…and fast. Make the date with your son, but surprise!!! You aren't there, but an authoritive person who might be able to help your son help himself.

That way you are out of the clinch, but still doing something positive for your son.

Hang in there, Kate. If he's hungry, there are food banks around to give food for free. It sounds tough and it is. You are doing the right thing. He needs to understand that HIS choices are making his life -- not yours. If it keeps up, you might consider getting a restraining order.

My heart goes to you. This is so very hard.

Do something nice for yourself. Can you and your other kids go somewhere for a picnic?

There are always shelters where they can stay and be fed. You have to nip this in the bud or it will never end. I know how hard it is but sometimes we have to give that tough love. Even if you gave him only food it could become something that never ends.

I'm sorry to hear about the latest development, kate which is spiralling down into something else.

I hope for his sake he will have a counsellor or similar role, to work with..

Oh Hannelore, how I wish there was someone like that. There just isn't.
It's a tough situation as I don't want to enable him but clearly he is unable to take care of himself. He can't hold down a job. The only way he could is if someone woke him up, dragged him out of bed and drove him to work, provided a lunch etc. This is not realistic but that is what it would take and even then you may not be able to wake him up.
After doing drugs from age 15 to 22 what he really has to do is to start all over again from scratch, learn life skills etc. He should have stayed in recovery for at least 9 months as I suggested instead of leaving and getting his own apartment. But you can't tell him anything. At least if he stayed he would have learned some skills.

He does well in jail as his day is planned out. He goes to bed early, gets up early, reads, etc. and this type of strict schedule works for him. The problem is left to his own devices he just doesn't make good decisions. It is so hard for me because I feel for his situation, but I can't and won't be an enabling parent any longer. He is not functional, but not mentally challenged so people like him fall threw the cracks. Either the family gets dragged down with them and becomes non functional, or the person ends up living on the streets or worse.

I really don't know what to do at this point other than stay out of his life hoping that he will get it. So far, he is not getting it. One step forward, 10 steps back. Soooo frustrating.
Kate

Hi Kate,
My son was on drugs from about age 12 to 20, so I know what you mean about structure and the fact that it seems like they do better while they are in jail. Unfortunately, jail doesn't teach them skills. They are dumped out at the end of their term and they go right back to where they were because they don't know anything else.

Check out Delancey St.(http://www.eisenhowerfoundation.org/grassroots/delancey/) You'll need to cut and paste because I didn't make it a link.

Yes, you have to stay out of his life. Let him know that you love him and that if he ever wants to truly change that you are there to support him in a way you can.

I didn't know where my son was half the time from 16 to 19 and then he was in jail a lot. When he finally had an opportunity to go to Delancey and got accepted, we had to do a lot to get the courts to release him to the program. It included many trips to Eureka (about 8 hours away) and a lawyer. I am so grateful that I got the chance to pull out all the stops for him. He's a new man in this program.

The thing is that it's not in your hands, it's only in your son's and God's. Turn it over, pray and go to Al-Anon if it will help.

I keep you in my heart.
Casey

What about him enlisting in the military? It might give him the discipline and structure he needs.

Dianne, great idea. It sounds like the structure and type of accountability he needs.

Kate, stay strong or else you will be doing this forever. I know someone whose child is 29 or 30 and she continues to bail him out, meaning of jail and every rotten situation the guy gets involved with. He copes by running to Mom. I think you need to be strong now and maybe he will learn his lesson sooner rather than later.

May the good Lord bess you and keep you during this most difficult time. reach out to others to maintain your own sanity.

When I heard that my son was in town a red flag went up big time. He was doing well in treatment and then at the recovery house but as soon as I heard he had left and got his own apartment another red flag went up. Also that he was moving in with a girl he barely knows who he met in recovery.

I live on an island so he had to go to alot of work to get over here, a long drive to the ferry, then take the ferry. He must have taken alot of buses and yes he must have been desperate. I didn't know what was up, but I knew it wasn't good news.

I am so thankful that my ex in-laws warned me that he was on his way because this warning helped me out so much. I did not answer the phone at work, or my cell phone so he had to make other arrangements for someone to pick him up. He went to his Dad's which is not the norm, he usually hounds me as he gets far more. His Dad doesn't put up with much. He was not there for my son from age 12 until recently but he has tried to reach out in the past year.
It was good for him to have to deal with him since I have had this burden on my own for years. My ex just stood back and suggested since I basically raised him it was all my fault. Nice. He's changed his tune somewhat. My son doesn't bully his Dad because he can't, but he does bully
me and basically holds me hostage in my own house. Something told me to stay clear of him. I felt bad but at the same time knew that I was not emotionally able to deal with him. I actually started shaking and went into panic mode when I heard he was on his way. He has put me through hell, my other kids too.

I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I thank God that my ex took him in for one night. He would not let him stay at the house when they were not at home during the day and my son did not like this at all. He left his Dad's house after one night stay and did not come back last night. He arrived at my ex's this morning and said he had screwed up. He had gone to an old drug buddies house, abused drugs and alcohol all night and now regretted it.

My ex told him he had to leave immediately. He would give him money to go back where he came from but either way he had to go. He said if he found out that he did not
go back that he would never ever help him out again. So they left. He said he called him from the ferry so hopefully he did go back although it is not a sure thing.

They have a place to stay until Wednesday until his girlfriend gets her welfare cheque. Then they are on their own. After her being clean for 10 months and him
3 months this is a real shame but not unexpected. My son is a hardcore addict. It is not going to be easy for him to change. I think he came over here to be taken care of
and also to reconnect with his friend knowing that he would be in a place where they were using drugs. At least they went back. They said they were going to go to an NA meeting a.s.a.p. and try to get back on track. My son is a compulsive liar so who knows. I'm happy he is gone, but sad that he is the way he is and that I can no longer have a relationship with him. I pray one day this will change but for now I must take care of my other two children and focus on myself and them. I can no longer do anything for my son, just pray.
Kate

Kate, I'm not sure if this is a correct way of thinking, but I would be glad he has a girlfriend. At least it's two of them against the world and he is not totally alone. Somehow, as a mother, I think that would give me some peace. Maybe they can boost one another up and get the help they need. That's what I'll pray for.

Kate, I read myself in your story. I have been battling the same problem for the past 3 yrs. with my son who just turned 23 last month. Until last month I didn't know drugs was the problem. Over the past three years I have paid bills, bought gas and food, clothes, etc for my son. A large portion of every check despite my pleas and warnings that I didn't have a lot of extra money seemed to fall on deaf ears.

He always worked and was a good worker yet suddenly couldn't hold a job. He had a girlfriend that I thought was the problem--she may be a part of the problem but there is much more.

I finally got some counseling for me and they have helped me tremendously. First since he was still living with me, I had to set some strict groundrules and we went over them with him--me, the counselors and my pastor. My son knew there was no excuse if he messed up. Within 3 weeks I had to ask him to leave and he did so without a problem.

I have counseled with these folks several times since because this 'tough love' thing goes against every fiber of motherhood. But it is the best thing for him. My head knows that. My heart breaks when I see him getting so thin or living in his car.

BUT he is 23. These are ALL his choices. Not my fault, not my problem. There is liberating freedom in understanding that. I have decided to move away from here for several reasons. 1. to get back on my feet financially by moving in with my sister. 2. to get away from him, so he can't easily try to manipulate me for money. 3. So I don't have to watch him go through this.

My son has already acknowledged that he understands what I am doing and why. That is a big step.

I know will be hard and he may continue to harass you but you must not give him any more money--just cold turkey, that's it. It will take a while but once he realizes the gravy train has stopped he will begin to change. I also highly recommend some counseling for you--it has really helped me. One thing the counselor told me was that I had a high level of mercy in my personality. When mercy people doesn't have the ability to temper their emotions they become doormats for others who play off that gift by using them and manipulating them. I am currently learning the techniques necessary to temper my mercy giftings. This will be invaluable not only for dealing with my son but will play into all other areas of my life--work, volunteering, etc. Sounds to me like you have a lot of mercy in your personality as well.

Dotsie,
I am glad that he has a girlfriend so he is not alone, but if I were her mother I would not be happy about it at all. She has been clean for 10 months and after only knowing him for two months she has moved out of her recovery house and now done drugs again. He is not a good influence. But, they will have to work this out for themselves. I cannot take on my son's girlfriends problems. I hope she doesn't become an enabler like I was as this is not what he needs.

I must give kudos to my ex. He told both of them after they came back from a night of doing drugs this " If he (our son) put you in a situation where you used drugs, dump him. And if it was you who encouraged him to use drugs, then he should dump you" I thought that was good advice.

I agree with starting over's mercy theory and it is very true. I have been in and out of counselling since my son was 8, drug related counselling since he was 12 or 13. It's been a long journey and each year I become stronger in a different way. Most recently the counselling I received at Naranon helped me to step outside my mother role and separate from my son emotionally. It was difficult but I have made progress. By not seeing him while he was here I managed to avoid his manipulation. I have to do what works and if that means not seeing him at all, that is what I have to do. It does hurt though but not as much as before. As long as I keep in mind that I am helping him by not helping him, keep the big picture in the forefront, I can stay strong.
Kate

starting over, I love your mention of the mercy gift. Very interesting and important to recognize when dealing with addicts. By the way, when are you moving? You'll still stay connected by internetat your new home, won't you? Maybe you can get your sister in here!

Kate, I can always tell that you know what you are doing. I sense tremendous strength, but a struggle with using that strength because not helping someone goes against your personality. I'm sure it's tough, but you remian on track. How are the other kids doing?

Kate,
I hope you are continuing to get support from Nar-Anon, a counselor, pastor or someone. It's almost impossible to do alone.

Glad your ex- is stepping up to the plate! (yick -- I hate sports metaphores and use them all the time :-(( !)
Casey

Dotsie, moving Sept. 1 have already started packing. Next week I give notice at work (scary! with no job to go to yet! Trusting God in that!)

My sister is in the forums already. Can't think if her tag name--maybe ktz? does that sound familiar? She had conversed with you about bird feeders and gardening I believe. Small world huh?! Got your check in yesterday's mail by way. Thank you!

Yes I will still stay in contact. And FYI if anyone is in need of Mary kay, just go to my website and order. Even with the move I will be checking there and taking care of everyone's orders. No cost for shipping, remember! (website listed below)

My son did not leave. He called me yesterday after spending yet another night at his druggie friends house. He said he was on his way but I'm not sure if this is the case as they have no where to go. When he called he asked me if I could meet up with him before he left. I said I didn't think so unless he wanted to tell me why he wanted to meet up. Sounds harsh but he has never called me in over 6 years for anything other than to bum money or because he wanted something. So, in character he said he could use something to eat and could I buy him lunch. I said I'm sorry but I can't. I said this is it, I'm tired of being used. He said ok and hung up.

After that call I was so upset. I felt like he doesn't care about me at all, that to him I am just a bank. I felt better later as the hardest thing to do is to not take what they do or say personally, it's the addiction. Easier said then done.
I'm going to find out when Alateen meets as I know that my daughter is feeling the affects of this. She doesn't say much but I heard her talking to a friend on the phone and she said that she feels sad about her brother.

It is really time for me to focus on my kids and that is what I am going to do. My eldest son is lost and there is nothing that I can do for him anymore.
Kate

Lost does not mean he can't be found again.

Here is a thought for you. Sorry to say, I don't know who the author is. Hope it helps you ease your pain a little.

***********************************************

Banish Sorrow
Don't be sorry, be content - it's a choice not a chore. Never identify with others' sorrow or you will go down with them. Be with them, but stay up, so you can uplift them. Help them put things in perspective. But first do that for yourself. You're feeling sorry? Why? Have you lost something? It's an illusion - you have nothing to lose. Everything that comes to you comes to pass, literally. So let all things pass and you will turn the illusion of loss into the reality of liberation...and sorrow will be a distant memory.

wow hl thats an exilent bit of verse and can be applied in so manie situasions, its one i gonna copie thanks,

kate, keep being strong, keep doing what your doing its for the higher good....and thats not to say you still won't feel c**p at times your still humane but its the actions and not the feeling one has to go on in this situasion. I know how hard and horrible it all is, praying you keep your strenth and good course of action on this one

Hannelore, that's great!

Kate, you did the right thing. Somewhere, I know, you'll find the ability to love your son again and let him know that you love him and still be able to keep your boundaries strong. Hannelore is right -- lost for now doesn't mean he won't be found again. I will keep you in my heart prayers.

Yes, paying attention to the other children AND to you is very important right now. HUGS

kate, any update?

There is a little update I just heard today. His Dad who has been estranged from him for most of the past 7 years called me to say my son had called. For the past year or so he has tried to make contact with him. When my son came last week I wouldn't answer the phone so he called his Dad and went to his house. It ended with his Dad giving him $50 to go back where he came from after two days.

We live on an island. It is approx 1 hour and 35 minutes ferry ride to Vancouver. My son lives about an hour outside of Vancouver so he is far enough away. It's not easy for him to just come over, and it can be expensive. He came over here for a reason but he said he didn't know the reason. It may have been to get drugs, who knows. His Dad mentioned to me that the girlfriend looked pregnant (my worst nightmare) and asked her if she was. She just looked at my son and they didn't answer, so that is a sign for sure. What a mess, and of course I warned him about using protection but he doesn't listen to anything I say anyway.

The latest is that she has left to stay with friends and he is on his own, says he wants to go back to treatment.
My ex works and lives in my son's town during the week, and comes home to the city where I live (and his other family) on the weekends. Because of this he has let my son stay with him a few times.

Today the ex called and gave me an update about my son. He told me that he told my son that no more help was coming his way from any of the family and to go find a shelter. My son called him because he has no money, no food and nowhere to go. Well, Sunday is not the greatest day and who knows if there is a shelter where he is, it's a small town. I guess he kept calling his Dad today. Last I heard his Dad had gone back to where my son is. When I last spoke with him he said he wasn't going to leave until tomorrow.

My ex has a lot of guilt around my son. I did too. I felt guilty because I broke up my marriage and my son's family, ( I had no choice as the ex became an alcoholic and a chronic cheater) my ex feels guilty because he basically ditched my son. I'm afraid now my son has got a hold of his dad. He is playing the guilt card with him like he did me. My ex acts strong, but yet he gave into my son today and is now going over to rescue him. I hope he doesn't enable him for as long as I did as this just keeps him stuck.

Although I do hope though for my son's sake that his Dad does connect with him as this is what he needs, not as an enabler but attention from his father. He has missed out on that since he was 12. Many times in the past I told my ex that his son cried himself to sleep at night missing him. He kept saying to me, why doesn't Dad love me. I told the ex this and he said he would try to spend some time with him but rarely did as he was busy chasing women.

I think he has settled down alot as he is aging. It is my hope that he can help at least a little as he has similar traits to my son. He still borrows money from his Mom and he is almost 50, she is 76. He constantly moves, changes jobs and is never satisfied. He was an alcoholic but I think he has that under control as he had another child five years ago, a boy. He totally dotes on this kid.

I'm sure he will keep me informed. In some ways I miss keeping in touch with my son and being the one to pick up the pieces (well I don't miss that part) but I think it's his Dads turn. I went through this all by myself from the time my son was 12 until now. From 15 to 22 he has basically caused me more grief than any one should have to deal with.
Kate

I'm glad at least your ex updates you about son. Important for you as the mother.

Agree that if you ex becomes enabler of son's downward spiral, not good if he becomes financially dependent. Only the next generation can break the cycle of financial dependency, if ex hasn't quite done that himself entirely.

I'm sorry to hear that things for son got even more complicated.

kate, I am grateful your son is now running to his dad. While it isn't helping him to continue to be rescued, at least it gives you the much needed break you need. I can understand that teeny part of you that wishes he was still coming to Mommy. I think all of us mothers understand that to some degree.

Kate, Starting Over, and Casey have this heart ache in common. Kate, your son is the drugs, no wonder you are grieving, you don't have the son you thought you had. He is all about drugs, and lying is a part of the pathology. How awful it is to have drugs rule your life and emotions. An addict is so narcissistic. And the ripple effect is enough to drive a mother crazy. Yes, that is very sad. At least you know to create boundaries to protect yourself. I know from experience and education that when people meet in rehab, it is never a good thing. Rarely does "the couple" form a lasting and healthy relationship. The military? There is no way that an addict such as Kate describes could committ to the military.

Update:
Unfortunately things have gotten worse.
My son is back in my town more hooked on drugs then ever.

He came to my house two weeks ago at 6am banging on the door saying he was going to treatment that day and needed to come in and have a shower, get something to eat, use the computer etc.
He was very indignant when I would not let him in. I have heard this all before. He just makes up a lie and says he is going to treatment to manipulate me and get things from me, money etc. I have fallen for this too many times. He also wanted to get in the house and use the computer. He lost touch with his girlfriend as they had a fight and he came back home (to our city) and I'm sure he wanted to go on Facebook to try to reach her. They are very co-dependant.

I felt bad of course because it was the first day back at school for my kids and he woke them up. I tried to get him to go away nicely but that didn't work. Then he started banging on the door and yelling. I told him if he leaves I would give him some money or the other choice would be that I would phone the police. He was mad but said he'd go but when I opened the door he tried to push his way in. Luckily he is really skinny and I am not so I managed after quite a while to get the door shut. He was so angry and looked terrible. Had blood all over his shirt, was really skinny. Looked like someone you would not want to meet in a dark alley. It was heart breaking. He has gone down so much.

Now I have not heard from in two weeks as I told him not to come back to my house or I would call the police. I said if he cleans himself up and acts like he is part of the family instead of using us for what he can get he is not welcome here. He calls everyone in sequence for money and we have all stopped. I just gave him $4.50 to get rid of him. If he hadn't left I would have had to call the police. I did speak to the police later that day and they said he had outstanding warrants and would be arrested if they picked him up.

I just wanted him to go away but now after not hearing from him I am so worried about him. I know I can't help him but it is so frustrating. He has had so much help and I have always been there for him but I have had to really step back from him lately as he is getting violent. It's weird, sometimes when I'm out I'll see someone who looks like him and I will get the shakes. If I hear a police siren I always wonder if it's for him. I have been so traumatized over the years from his episodes. I don't want him to come back here but at the same time wonder where he is and if he is ok. This is a tough one.
Kate

Kate, my heart goes out to you. You did the right thing, even though you feel bad for doing it. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[[[[HUGS]]]]

Kate, I can imagine you are a bundle of nerves and rightly so. I hope you are going back to your support group because I'm sure some of the women there can offer you strength to keep doing what is right regardless of how hard it is on you and your other two children.

Chatty has a son who she used tough love with. I'm hoping she sees thsi trhead and can offer some advice.

My heart aches for you.

Oh, Kate, that's so hard. So very hard. I wish you strength and love and support from those around you. You are doing the right thing, as difficult as it is. You need to protect the others in your care. I hope someday he "gets it" and you can have peace in your heart.

The hardest thing is that he comes back around. The longer he stays away, the easier it is. Not easy -- just a little less painful.

Kate, here is a link to anteresting blog I came across. It's called One Mothers Heart to Another. She mentions a book that might appeal to you and be helpful.

http://onemothershearttoanother.blogspot.com/2007/07/tough-love-for-addicts-more-love-less.html

Thanks all,
I found out today that he is in jail and has been for two weeks, that's why it has been so quiet. I'm always on pins and needles.
I am going to see a counsellor this week, boy I need it too.
Thanks for the concern.
Kate

Which organization has he, Kate, sought help from?

Are you aware of this provincial resource database that lists all the non-profit, social service organizations?
http://www2.vpl.vancouver.bc.ca/DBs/Redbook/htmlPgs/Search/rbSearch.html

If all else fails, also call the John Howard Society for expert referral. They have branches across Canada. Victoria is a big enough city to have their own location to serve Vancouver Island.

About 3 years ago, I worked for the provincial British Columbia organization for legal aid....there was/still is a service that provides referral, some basic legal information if there is blended problems involving the law, counselling.

ANd yes, we did /they still do deal with phone-in clients who themselves need great deal of help or concerned family members.

But try the Red Book database first for something in Victoria.

Your son must first of all, want to be helped and be committed to change...slowly.

Thanks Orchid,
I had a nice talk with someone at John Howard Society last year. They have great programs but my son was not interested.
The guy gave me his number and said my son could call anytime but he would have to do it not me. They all tell me that.

I will check out the links from Dotsie and yourself.
thanks for that.
Kate

I checked out both of these links. Orchid, there is so much info there. I had no idea. Dotsie, checked out yours too.

Lots of reading for me. My daughter needs to use the computer for homework (don't want to discourage that)
so will read more later tonight.

Thank you so much,
Kate

Kate, just want to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hope starting your new business will provide that distration you so direly need. I think that's the only answer. Just concentrate on your life and your two other children and allow those things to fill your thoughts and plans.

I went to a drug and alcohol counsellor today. She said to shut the door on my son for now.
She told me if he comes to the door to immediately call 911.
She said not to talk to him through the door, don't let him in, give him money, let him use the phone etc.
I am to say to him, I love you but I won't enable you.
When you are clean for six months and getting your life together we can talk about visits etc. but at the moment you have no son privileges as harsh as it may sound.

I told her I worry about him, feel bad for him as he is homeless etc. but she said try to think of him as an adult drug addict criminal trying to break into your house instead of seeing him as a child. At least for now.

I am on the list to join a co-dependant group. It's full so I am on the waiting list. I am sure not the only one going through this type of thing.

Kate

Kate, I'm glad you're reaching out. DO I understand he is in jail now? If so, I recall a friend whose son was in jail and it was during that time that she could relax a bit. Sad, but true.

I like Hannelore's advice.

He is in jail for 20 days, that's it and will be out in two more days.
For a young adult that has been in and out of jail since he was 15 years old, it amazes me that the jail system is such a revolving door. Not that I want him in jail permanently but with his record only 20 days?
Apparently he robbed someone or something like that. I don't know all the details. Our system is a joke.
Kate

katebcca,
What are your feelings about him getting out?
Does he live with you?
dancer

How I feel is concerned. I worry that he will come to my house and try to manipulate me as he has done over and over again. I used to fall for it but after 4 years of this continuous chaos I fall for it less and less.

No he does not live with me. I gave him an option three months before his 18th birthday. I gave him until then as I thought it was the right thing to do. Either clean up your act, go back to school or get a job, or your out. I had my other kids to think about. He had been breaking the law and doing drugs since age 13, hard drugs since 15 which I only found out about years later. I had to do something. He has been back many times but only for short stays waiting for treatment, another manipulation.

One Christmas he was on my deck crying, so depressed that I wouldn't let him in, said he was going to kill himself. (he's said that many times) how could I turn him away on Christmas. My heart was breaking. Once inside he opened his presents and complained about most of them. How much did you pay for this cheap thing, etc. etc. It was not an easy time.

Over the years I have taken him to counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, police mentors etc. He even had a stay in a youth hospital for acting out teens for 8 weeks. I went once a week and stayed over night and they worked with me to come up with strategies to deal with him. His school would not let him continue to attend unless he was medicated. He has had ongoing youth workers for years. They all say the same thing, I have way too much patience and need to let him go.

I know that I have never given up on him and have done everything humanly possible to help him. Including driving downtown and dragging him to the hospital, detox etc. all the while snarling at me and saying terrible things for interrupting his drug binge. I've paid for treatment centers. I have tried tough love, tried soft love, trying to understand him approach, talked and listened but nothing so far has worked.

I've been told that the entire family should cut him off and only then will he start to look at himself. It's way too easy for him to blame me for his problems when he is on drugs. I have been told I'm an enabler and I am. It's taken me a long time to step back and distance myself from him but that seems to be the only way to help him. I sure hope and pray he gets it soon.
Kate

Kate,
I understand and I'm sorry you have this burden. It must be very, very hard to finally let go when you must. I know a bit about it, but with my sister. I have two son's and am lucky in their behavior. I've seen many a child go the wrong way in their peer group. In fact, I had a best friend who had a son similar to yours who had a terrible time letting go and letting him land on his own woobly feet and know he needed help. She kept trying to take him in or get him a place to stay even as people in authority told her to drop him and let him deal with the life he was making. In the end she had to let him go and she took more and more damage to her life until she did. It is easy to SAY let him go and I know it's another to actually do it!

I hope he get's his life together and realizes deeply that he needs help. I wish you strength in what you must do to help him do that in letting him go.

You sound like you have gone beyond what most parents would do in a case like this and taken a lot of hurt for it. I'm sorry.

The best of luck with this and please keep us posted?

It is not your fault, you know that, right? Addiction is a disease and we cannot take responsibility for another's problem with it, they must take it on. I hope he does.

I'll keep you in my thoughts!

dancer

Kate, I can't imagine your anticipation for when he is released. I'm sure you're concerned that he will come running to Mom again. Please consider what you are going to do when he comes to the door and pray that you have the strength to follow through when you see his face. I'm praying for your strength and his ability to wake up to his addiction and get the help he needs.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I really am.

My son's going back to treatment tomorrow. He had it all set up before getting out of jail. He's staying at a house in town for young men waiting to go to treatment, or needing a place to stay to get back on their feet. They can stay for up to a year. They can work or go to school but have to do something. There are lots of rules and chores to do or your out. My son has been for a few interviews at this house over the years but they would not admit him as his attitude was not good so they new he would not be able to go by the rules.

I met with the counsellor this time around and he said my son's attitude had changed so he let him stay there short term.
It's going well. He can't go anywhere without adult supervision and the adult has to be approved by the house, no drug users, addicts of course. My son is going along with this.A good sign but it will not be easy and I am not getting my hopes up anymore although of course I hope it sticks this time for his sake.

I asked him why he thinks treatment doesn't work for some people and he said because they don't want to quit. He said AA is great and if you do the program you will succeed. If you don't then you don't want to. So, he knows what to do it's just a matter of wanting it bad enough. We'll see.
Anyway good news for now.
Kate

Kate,
It sounds like a good start. I don't know all that you've been through with this son but this starts holds a bit of promise, don't you think?
If a home that would not take him before will take him now, that is a good sign.
I keep you in my thoughts and hope for a good outcome in your son's recovery and rehabilitation.

dancer9

Kate, it does sound promising if they let him in to this program when they wouldn't before. They have pretty good antena for the BS level of most of these kids.

Remember, it is his choice and his decision. He's absolutely right -- if the addict/alcoholic doesn't want to quit nothing is going to make him -- no matter what pretzel you turn yourself into.

I, too, will keep you in my prayers and your son, as well.

Hmmm...haven't heard from my delinquent lately (He's in a program). LOL! And I'm not even worried! What a relief. I pray that you get there, soon, as well.

Rejoicing in your good news, but understand why it's hard for you to get excited. You've been down this lane before.

The fact that they let him in this time must mean something positive. I look forward to hearing more good news. Take a breather while he's staying in this home and safe!

Thank you everyone. I dropped him off at the bus depot today and off he went. He was alot different this time around. Well, he has been down this road now 6 times so this may be it, or it may not be. I think he does grow with every experience.

He met a wonderful (his words) guy in jail. He was slightly older than him and they were both in isolation. They chose to be in isolation although it's tough as your locked down for 23 hours, out for one to have a shower. Guys that chose isolation are usually victimized so that's why they go there. There are no windows and my son says he found it hard to breath at times.

He said they talked the entire time and he learned so much from this guy about recovery. He was just in for a minor infraction as he breached his probation. He told my son that his parents are both deceased and that he is really lucky to have a Mom who is there for him. Nice to know. I actually managed to meet this young guy as when we were downtown getting my son's bus ticket we saw him and my son introduced us. He seemed really happy to meet me. My son said it was meant to be that this person came into his life when he did. Wow! Take these wonderful serendipity moments when we can. I'll keep you posted.
Kate

Kate, I see lots of God-incidences in your story. I'll be praying this bout with recovery works.

Perhaps the guy he met in jail this time was one of his little angels. Let's pray he becomes surrounded by them in his new environment; people who can say what he needs to hear at the appropriate moments during recovery.

I hope you are taking a breather and doing something fun this weekend. He is in a safe place now.

Thanks Dotsie,
I am having a great weekend. Went on a wine tour with a group of close women friends. We had a great time on the tour bus. One of the wineries was incredible, with chocolate fountains to dip fruit in and chocolate wine cups. Very decadent. The blackberry port was served in these. It was a great day.
I feel relieved that my son is in a safe place.
Kate

Kate, I wish you the very, very best. I hope your son is reformed and that his life can be straightened out. I always try to hope for the best!
dancer

Kate, carry in dear friend. Celebrate your close friends. Wish I could have tagged along.

I hope to go to a wine festival this weekend.

http://www.boordy.com/main.html

Do they make wine in Maryland Dotsie?

They make wine in all 50 states -- even Alaska! Now, the quality of wine in all 50 states does vary! LOL!

Well wine, now that's a positive topic. Much better then the one I started with :-)

Peace and quiet on the home front and a nice glass of wine ahhhhh!
Kate

Kate, I read all the post this month so I could catch up with what's going on with your son. It all sounds so positive. Such good steps and in the right direction. I totally agree with you that you can never give up hope and should latch on to those wonderful serendipity moments when we can!

Keep us posted and know while we may not always respond, we ARE reading and holding you close to our hearts!

Thank you JawJaw, I appreciate that and I also appreciate the support from all the wonderful women on this forum.
Kate

Yes, we have several wineries in MD.

Check us out at www.marylandwine.com

Just wanted to let all of you know that my son is doing great. He has been at the treatment centre for over two months now.
He was here last weekend on a pass and it went well. I actually got pictures of all of my three kids together. I have not had a photo of them together in over 5 years. What a blessing. He even bonded with his younger brother. I just have to tell you this. My younger son has always been afraid of his older brother. He was not treated very well by him and resented him and was also protective of me. He has not been able to trust him and I don't blame him. The first night my son was here both boys watched a movie together. My older son has seen a great change in his brother who is now 14 almost as tall as him and a big strong kid, also very mature. When my younger son has friends sleep over they always camp out in the living room in sleeping bags. When I got up in the morning, I crashed before them, the two of them were on the floor in sleeping bags. I almost started to cry. Went back to bed and said a very big thank you prayer.
Prayer does work, sometimes it seems to take a long time but there is a reason for that I'm sure. I had waited a long long time for this moment.

This week he is being baptized into the Mormon church. This church is located near the treatment centre and provides outreach to the men at the shelter. They have been very supportive of him. The great thing about it is Mormons are not allowed to drink or use substances so it was a good choice. I know that for addicts finding God can be a very powerful experience for them and is a great comfort when they hit rock bottom.

I think he found it difficult being back in his old home although he never let on. I just found him to be kind of stressed when I dropped him off at the bus depot to go back the the centre. I think that is to be expected. I have no doubt, religion or not that if he came back here it would only be a matter of time and he would be into the drugs again. He knows that too and is working on going to another supportive living facility where he can stay for up to a year after he graduates on December 7th. I will be so proud to see him graduate this program. He has been five times and only lasted a week. He's doing well.
Just thought I'd share as I know many of you were with me through this.
Kate

kate its been a long bumpie journey for you. I greatfull and full of joy to find out its all comming together for you. i know its been tough and you made manie harwrenching tough desisions over the last while. but now i hope you reep the bountie of those tough descisions. today i reallie glade to have read you latest up-dating post.
thanks verie much

Kate, thanks for sharing your good news. It's time, isn't it?

I'm grateful your younger son stuck around and gave his older brother a chance. I'm sure it was meaningful for both of them.

I pray that he continues on his path to recovery and goes to another living center so he can stay on the right path.

I know two recovering addicts and both had to leave their home towns to make it work.

I'm sure your Thanksgiving will be happier this year!

Oh Kate, I'm so very, very happy to hear this news and I will continue to remember him in thought and prayer. Yippee!

Christmas went well although I missed my Dad. It is a blessing though that my son is now doing wonderful and made Christmas special this year just by being himself.
We had a great time together. He is such a great kid (23) when he is not on drugs.
He now has a job at a recycling plant and had to leave yesterday so he could get back to his town so he could be at work today.
Such a relief.
Kate

Kate, what wonderful news! It sounds like, in spite of your recent loss, that your Christmas was special because you had/have your son back. I will continue to pray that he just keeps getting stronger and your relationship continues to mend. Thanks for checking in and letting us know! Bless you!

Kate, I forgot to ask....what has happened with the pregnant girlfriend you spoke of earlier?

Kate, I'm so happy for you! It's such a relief. I don't think I knew how much weight I was carrying until my son got clean and sober. (Now if I could just get rid of the body weight -- LOL!)

Katebcca!!!
I am SO, SO happy for you! How wonderful does it get! I know how much that must have meant to you because I know how much I love my son. It's SO great that you have him back and have a start that you can make. Not to mention the wonderful memories you have created!

Also: Congratulations on a job well done as a mother! It is so easy to "blow it," when kids mess up and cut ourselves off entirely so that the relationship cannot heal. YOU didn't do that! You are a great Mom! You apparently hung in there and it paid off. Parents could learn from you as to how to handle their children in such a situation! You must consider writing down your experience even in an essay to help other parents before they mess things up or loose their child forever.

I'm so proud of you and happy for you too!
Dancer, just learned of this!

Kate, thanks for sharing the great news. I'm sure he feels so much better about himself which is a huge aspect of recovery. Congrats on hanging in there and using tough love. I recall how hard it was for you, but it looks like he got the message. I'm sure you're breathing a huge sigh of relief.

Answers to two questions, the pregnant girlfriend, Thank God that was a false alarm. Scared my son right out of the relationship. It was doomed from the beginning, two addicts do not make a great couple, when one falls off the wagon they both fall. I do think he learned so much from this situation though, an invaluable lesson. He regretted it shortly after moving in with her only knowing her for a few weeks. Like attracts like. Unhealthy attracts unhealthy.

He learned real quick that it was a mistake and tried to get out of it. He complained about her spending all of her welfare money on a hair straigtener and said she spent all her time looking in the mirror. I had a chuckle, we both did when I said, "might have been a good idea to have found that out before you moved in" (gentle hint). I said it in a funny way so he didn't take offence.

Even in all of his drugged out states he still continues to share with me. Now he shares all the time, what he is feeling, things that happen to him, even his weaknesses. I think he felt that I was judging him before. I explained to him one day how hard it is to watch your son continue to shoot himself in the foot. I also told him some of my mistakes (not all) and he appreciated that. It's important for parents to let your kids know that you aren't even close to perfect. Sometimes they think we are and try so hard to live up to that, then they think they are failures and give up. I did that with my Mom. I never felt I was good enough as she always acted like she was perfect, never did anything wrong, her friends never did anything wrong etc. etc. It is so important to let your kids know that you understand and have been there and are not judging. Has to be the right time though. (not a good idea to tell them too much especially at a young age)

As for the book, essay. I so plan to write something some day. Even have my son write the forward. When I was going through this I felt so alone. It took me ages to go to a parenting group thinking that my child was the worst. It turned out that he was far from the worst. I could never find anything at the book store with info on acting out kids. The worst was stealing and lying. Man, that didn't even come close to the info I was needing. I'd love to help others and plan too.
Kate

kate, there's nothing more attractive to me than a man who shares his feelings. He'll make a great husband one day. Me thinks!

Sounds like he's growing up...you've been a wonderful Mother and should be very proud how you're handling this. HUG HUG HUG

Kate, I read through this whole thread, and it reads like an emotional roller coaster. I am wondering if the panic has ceased when you have seen your son the last time(s) or do you still shake or how do you anticipate him coming to see you? Has your trust in him increased? Are these questions for the counselor? Sorry. I noticed that the last few posts focused on him, so I didn't understand how you are feeling now. I hope you are able to carry on with a normal life. It's hard on the other kids too when attention needs to be focused on one other child. I hope all is well. What kind of books are you looking for? If it's about adolescent agnst, addiction, recovery, and relationships, I have many titles. L, PL

Thanks for asking P. Lenora. For the past four months my life has settled down quite a bit. My father passed away two weeks before Christmas so it's been a sad time. My son on the other hand is doing great. I am enjoying his visits very much. My other kids are managing to bond with him as he is very different these days. He lives about three hours away and I have seen him three times in four months but he calls me all the time. Christmas went well, not one problem.

He is a different person really, or maybe he is the person he always was, the drugs just took over. The big reason things are working out for him this time is that he is staying away from here. He went to treatment many times but it never worked as he kept coming back home. Then it would not be long until his old aquaintences would be calling and before long he was back on the drugs. I think he has also matured quite a bit. He just turned 23 recently.

He has been clean for four months and is doing well. He can fall off the wagon, and I am very aware of that. For now he is living in a supportive home for recovering addicts, goes to AA meetings daily and works full time. He also has a sponsor. His boss is pleased with him and my son loves being told that he is doing a good job. He called me all excited the other night and said his boss came over to see him to tell him what a great job he is doing. He was on cloud nine.

So, for now I am a very happy mother. I'm enjoying getting to know my son again. He has a great sense of humor that I have not seen in years.

My other two kids are doing great. My youngest son for good reason is taking it slow getting to know my eldest again. They did bond quite a bit over Christmas which is nice for both of them. I told my youngest to take his time. He has been burned too many times so I want him to feel comfortable.

Although I have been burned too, I think my son is on the road to recovery. He wants more out of life and is getting a taste of making money and he likes that. I'm not thinking ahead really, just enjoying the fact that for now, he is doing great.
Kate

katebcca,
I'm really happy for your recovering relationship with your son! I hope things go along smoothly for you and mending takes place for all. You are a very good mother to have made it to this point, I think I told you once before.

You have a wealth of information for parents who are going through their children's drug use who don't know how to handle it without burning bridges! You are an example of a mother who knows how to keep that relationship a possibility over time! I hope that someday you write down your experience so that other parents can learn how best to cope with the problem you had with your son! I know too many people who are either lost in the process or are burning bridges with their child for all time!

Congratulations,
Dancer9

You are so right. It is a fine line for parents.
You don't want to turn them away totally, but dealing with their addict behaviour is heartbreaking and also frustrating all at the same time. My son was a bully and very abusive so it was really hard to deal with him.

For some reason I would know, when to help him and when not too. I learned this over years of making mistakes.

Lost in the process, that is how I was until I joined a parenting group for acting out teens. It took me so long to go to these meetings but they saved me big time.

Also Naranon meetings. I did not like going to these because everyone was usually in crisis, but the pamphlet on letting go was invaluable. Also realizing that it is a disease and they don't have power over it nor do we.

I shut the door on him when he used drugs but told him if he every wanted help, I would be there for him.

I told him I would have to love him from afar until he got help, but that I would always love him (that is the key). They need to know that you will be there for them or these loose hope. He went to treatment many times over the years. All five times he lasted a week or less. This time is different though as he completed the treatment (three months) and graduated from the program. You have to stay away from your home town and old friends, and you have to go to a supportive living set up for addicts for at least a year to break old habits. So far this is what my son is doing and it is working.
Kate

(one day, I will write this out as I know I have invaluable information that would help others. In the meantime if anyone knows of someone that could use some help, let me know)

Kate, it's a huge blessing to come here and hear your good news now. Sounds like things are definitely looking up. I'm so happy for your son...and you. Yes, now you are in a great place to encourage the many people who are just starting their jouney through this with a loved one. Bless you!

Katebcca,
I'm so glad you said what you did because I have a friend, a nurse, whose daughter may be going down this path. She is 16 and has begun to act out, stay out all night and has tried to drop out of school.
Her mother, whom I know, suspects drugs but her daughter at this time, lives with her father. She can have an effect upon the girl because she is only recently divorced and knows her daughter well, (they share the same name.) Should she need some advice, would you be willing to give her some?
I was thrilled to read that you would consider this,

dancer9

Kate, if I have not said so before, I am sorry to hear about your father. You have multiple concerns! It sounds like you are delighted with your son's behavior. What you said about who is really is has surfaced from the fog and haze of drugs. Anyone who knows my whole story knows that I escaped into drugs and alcohol from age 13/14 to 25. I can personal attest to what Kate has said several times: the #1 priority to stop using drugs is to get away from the environment. Of course, addicts will get drugs anywhere they are, but there is something about the familiarity of those you use drugs with that perpetuates enabling. I stopped using street drugs when I moved from PA to AZ at the age of 20. I did spend at least 5 years on heavy prescripton drugs after mostly because that was all that was available for migraines and chronic headaches, and because I knew no other methods to cope. My cousin, who was like a sister to me growing up, had the same family, thus the same childhood. She never could escape the enviornment. She died at age 33 in a one car drunk driving accident, 3 weeks after her most recent rehab. I don't know how many people would be so open about addiction, but my life is an open book. My point in this story is to reinforce for Kate that leaving the enviornment is a key to getting and staying clean. PL

Lil' Princess,
What do you use now for your migranes? Is it narcotic?
I use Oxycontin for my Chronic Pain but have dropped it down quite a bit. I don't have an addictive personality but my sister does.
I was wondering if you have to suffer from the migranes anymore?
dancer

kate, you are very wise to love and accept him where he is. I am so grateful to hear that he continues to do well. I remember my heart aching when you were going through the rough times.

I'm not sure what kind of writing you want to do about this, but you may consider printing some of your old posts. That would be a great start.

Giving praise for his life. 2008 is going to be a good year.

Dancer, I will PM you. Kate, that is a really good idea Dotsie has about starting with printing your posts. Parents usually feel helpless in your situation. Some do nothing. Some just continue to blame the child. Would you reflect on what you would or would not have done differently? Some parents never reflect on that because they do not want to look inside to determine what, if any, responsiblity they had for the child's disease of addiction. Behind every addiction is a cause. A break, a loss, a traumatic event. Even the addict may not know what it is/was when you ask "why?" "Because I enjoy it (drugs)" is not the answer. What the addict enjoys is the escape. What is the addict escaping from? Just questions on my mind.

I would change a few things if I could do things over again.
When my son was three months away from being 18, I gave him an ultimatum. He had done enough damage by then but I felt I should house him until 18. I think in hind sight, this was not the best decision.

First of all he thought I was kidding and when I put all of his stuff outside the door and had the police escort him somewhere else, he was horrified. I had pulled the rug from under him. In his mind I had given up on him. I had abandoned him. He was violently angry. He just broke in the house on that day so I had to call the police and have him removed. In his mind I was an evil mother who didn't care about him.

In my mind I had to protect my two small other children. They had enough turmoil. I was in a catch 22 situation and I had to do something. The police recommended kicking him out. Easier said then done. They don't have the skill to deal with these types of situations. They do their best. But kicking them out without the opportunity to come back and try again is a mistake. They need to know that they can try again but of coures not indefinately.

If I could do it differently I would have made him leave for maybe three nights after an altercation. Then he could come back and try again ie: not mess up the house, not bring drugs into the house, not be abusive etc. This sounds like alot of work and upheaval but at the time he may have become uncomfortable with this set up. If he continued I would make his time away longer and keep doing that. Not sure if this would have worked in the long run but it would have let him know that I was still there for him. It would also have sent a message that I would not tolerate his behaviour. I basically shut the door at the time and he got worse.

Another thing I would change is to be more accepting. I would tell him that it was not him I didn't accept but his behaviour. I would let him know that I loved him more instead of just reacting to him with anger. Although when you are in the middle of the crisis it is hard to think like that.

I remember at group I was told to find something, anything positive and give my son praise. I could find nothing. I was so stressed out. I remember trying and trying to find something good to praise him for but I couldn't find anything. In hind sight I could have found something. But my house was a disaster. My son would fall asleep in the living room leaving plates, pots, bottles whatever all over house. Drugs made him binge eat. We are not talking about a normal mess here. We are talking every pan, pot, dish etc. He used many plates and left them full of food all over the floor.

Sometimes he would throw up while asleep on the couch after binge eating and I would wake up to that horrible smell and mess. One time when I couldn't take it after a huge mess, I actually took all the dishes in my house and locked them in the trunk of my car. I also took the pots, the TV, the phone etc. so he could not use them. I took the keys to bed with me and I would find him in my room in the middle of the night hovering over me trying to get the keys. It became a game a war of wills and neither of us was winning or would win. We were just driving a wedge between us. We both needed help, not just him.

Another thing I would do is not let him come home after his time at a treatment centre or jail. I should have insisted he go to another housing situation after treatment/jail and not my home until he proved himself. But, I never thought of that at the time. I would highly recommend that to others now. Where I live there are half way house type set ups for youth.

Also, I would get more help for myself. I was married to an abusive husband. I was allowing my son to abuse me and that was not ok. I was blaming my son for everything when in fact I was teaching him how to treat me, with no respect.

We teach people how to treat us....that is so true.

I have thought over and over about how I would do things differently if I could. My son has a genetic disposition to addiction. His Dad, his grandmother and his greatgrandmother all on the Dad's side were alcholics and rage-aholics.

If I were a healthier person I would not have chosen to marry someone like my husband and I would have gotten out sooner if I could. One of the worst parenting combinations as per "Barbara Collarosa" is a weak Mom with no back bone, and an overly aggressive domineering Father. That was the case in our family. My son didn't want to be weak like me so even though he resented his father he took on his violent personality and started treating me like his father did.

Too much info to continue here. But, there are many reasons why kids do drugs. The main reason they abuse drugs is to numb themselves from the pain whatever that may be for them.
The key may very well be to find out what the pain is so you can help them. Sometimes though even they don't know.


Still my son says "I made the choice to take drugs and only I can make the choice to stop taking drugs. It doesn't matter what you would do or say. I only stopped taking drugs because I made the choice" and that is so true.

Although I think if my door had been totatly closed to him he may have drifted further into the lifestyle. It's very easy to give up hope when no one cares, or you think no one does. Never give up on them.
Kate

(and yes dancer9, although I am no expert of course I will help anyone who needs it)

Hi Kate, what you went through! I do not know how you coped and are sane. You are describing one of the worst situations I've heard. Sorry, that must not make you feel better. But you were in danger, he was destructive, and he could have suffocated on vomit in his passed out condition. On the up side, you are in a better relationship with him, and he is trying. By the way, the woman who changed my life when I was his age was Mormon. She did not try to convert me. She had a demeanor of peace that I'd never seen before. Go figure. L, PL

Katebcca,What an ordeal you have suffered while enduring the problems of your son! You must have had to be STRONG to deal all that you did.
I'm proud to know you, I've seen friends try this and it's so hard,
dancer

Kate, while you point out some of the things you would do differently, you must also realize that you must have done a lot right too! IT might be helpful for you to make a list of what you did right, also. You don't have to do it here if you don't want, just a suggestion. I have a feeling your eyes will be opened to your goodness within the situation!

Thanks Dotsie. I did many things right and was told that over and over again by the people that worked with my son. One of the workers from the juvenile centre told me I had the most patience of anyone he had ever met. (not always a good thing)

I spent many hours in the school system volunteering as he was not an easy student. Always getting up out of his seat, leaving the room etc. Later in high school he was in a special program and I went every day as I worked with his teacher to help him stay on task. He did not like that (and I can understand that as a teen this must have been difficult for him) but he eventually just dropped out, got heavy into drugs and went down hill very quickly. He did go to some alternative schools but only met kids there that got him into worse trouble.

I believe my son was tougher than most and my job as his mother was unbeliveably difficult.

I was just pointing out the things I would do differently if I could. Doesn't mean they would have worked any better.

My son even tells me that he knows how much he put me through. He was on drugs. Drugs make you do crazy things.

He has been a difficult child since birth. Colicky and when he grew older just didn't listen. He started to steal at an early age and I called him on it every time and there were consequences, even taking him to the police station at age 8 so they could talk to him, but he just didn't get it.

Now, at the age of 23 he is finally getting some of it. Kind of like re:learning what he didn't get in his youth. He may have had some brain trauma at birth (he was a high forcep baby) or something else may be going on. I have been told that he has a severe case of ADD and also that he may be bi-polar. His most recent counsellor told me he has oppositional defiant disorder. They seem to have to label for everything these days.

Anyway, I am cherishing these moments as he is doing great.
One day at a time.
Kate

Kate,
My two sons were "good," boys. They got "A's." they stayed out of trouble, they never once got in trouble. They are kind and achievers, but Kate, raising THEM was HARD!! You had the hardest job I can think of, a heart breaking job that must have often had NO thanks! You pulled this one off and I am impressed beyond belief! I have worked with younger people throughout my dance career. I've, through the theater, met parents whose children were acting out, (no one can act out like an artist, ask me!) Those kids were messing their lives up one after the other at times, drugs, quitting school, trying to keep their roll in the theater but quitting everything else to be "stars," until I had to replace them in their rolls.

Those parents blew it. They were rude and insulting when the talked about their children, they told others they did not care what happened to their sons and daughters and locked the door not like you, but without a second thought and went on vacation! I saw them ruin their relationship with their children over and over again. When their child grew up and was finally straight, the child wanted nothing to do with them, and MEANT it! You have salvaged a life knowing your child! That is something and I know it. Perhaps it is from knowing too many who ruined their lives from addictions, famous people, etc, that people gave up on who turned their lives around. I can count them and need more fingers! Eric Clapton, Dr. John, Elton John, and more and more. Those who just abused them before they got straight, they do not speak to. You did it, you should be proud and never forget that you are special to have turned this around this way. His sobriety is not what is the important thing here with regard to YOU, for YOU, it is your patience and knowing some how, when to say "no," and when to say "yes."
You did good.
dancer

Thank you Dancer.
I somehow grew up with the instinct to be there for the under dog. I don't know where that came from. In my school days I would always stick up for the kid that was picked on. I felt for them.

Sometimes I feel too much. When something terrible happens to someone I feel their pain. Not the best at times, so I avoid watching the news and reading the paper.

I felt my son's pain. Even though he was putting me through hell, I felt his pain. I think that is the major thing that kept me hanging in there.

Those other parents you speak of, although we can't judge them, they may have been lacking in the empathy department.
I know that when I was in the middle of it I could have easily made it all about me. What he was doing to me.

Often when parents go for help they want someone to fix their kid, do something about their terrible behaviour. But, that is not what is going on for them (the kid) They are not acting out to hurt or stress out the parent, they are out of control for a reason. It's a different reason for everyone of them. Usually they don't even know what it is.

When my younger son who is 14 gets all in my face (which is rarely the case) I ask him what is going on with him. I take the time to listen. One time he was acting so angry and rude. Instead of yelling (which I wanted to believe me) I told him that later that night I want to have a talk with him. He bristled. But, later he came to me. When I said to him, you know sometimes people act out in anger but they are really just sad about something. He broke down and started to cry. We had an incredible moment and things cleared up.

Being a teen is so hard and so many parents forget what it was like. They have little control, no power and their emotions go up and down like a yo yo. They look like adults, but they are not treated like adults. If parents would just listen to them. But many are too busy and overwhelmed and just talk at their kids.

The one bit of advice that I find really helpful is: talk to your kids like you would talk to a friend. Would you say to your friend " get out of here and go to bed, do this, do that, whatever. No you wouldn't or you wouldn't have too many friends.

I try to be respectful to my kids and I expect that back. So far, my 14 year old and my 16 year old are doing great. They are very open with me because I make it safe for them to talk to me and to tell me anything, even the stuff I don't want to hear.

Unfortunately my son was the guinea pig, the first born. I learned so much from dealing with him and now my younger two are benefiting from that.
Kate

We use the same parenting manual, Katebcca! I was the same way with my sons. Now they skip the acting out part and go right to what is bothering them!
Parents do need to listen and to care, period.
We also watch the same news! From the time I was a child, my parents stopped me from watching the news because it upset me so!
dancer9

Update: My son has been keeping in touch every other day and mentioned to me that he was having some difficulties. He had found a job and was doing great at it but many of the staff spent their breaks smoking pot. This seems to be common in construction type jobs.

He told me recently that he was having difficulty with this and was having some bad thoughts. He is not educated so cannot find work other than the trades. He does not like working with the public so fast food places are out which is too bad because they are everywhere. Also, the recovey house he is living at was not giving him what he needed. There is no support, just nine guys living in a house. He went to AA meetings every night after work with some of the guys from the house which was good, but not enough.

Anyway, he had a relapse the other day, found himself in an altercation with some guy on the street who he says tried to punch him. Next thing he is in the hospital having surgery on his hand as it was quite badly injured. He hit the guy and ended up with a huge infection as the guy bit into his hand.

Not all bad news though and I expected this to happen. It is common after a few months in recovery. Of course I didn't want it to happen but wasn't surprised. Anyway the recovery house where he was staying told me sometimes this is a good thing as it is a wake up call for many, others just fall back into their old lifestyle. My son decided to give up and come home but I told the recovery house staff to tell him for me that this was not an option. They saw him in the hospital, I wasn't able to reach him by phone so they relayed my messages.

He is now, today, moving to a more supportive recovery house as when you slip up you have to leave the recovey house you live at as they do a drug test and he failed.

Only goes to show how tough it is for addicts in this society. There are drugs everywhere and it is so sad that he was really enjoying his job, trying hard and getting praise from his boss and now this. Every mistake is a learning experience though and hopefully this will make him stronger.
My heart goes out to people with addictions as it is such a tough road. If only our kids would listen to us and not start in the first place. I'm sure if they knew how hard drugs are to beat once your addicted they wouldn't do it.
My younger two are so far (keeping my fingers crossed) learning from their big brother's mistakes.
Kate

I'm sorry to hear this,Katebcca. but you are right, it happens all of the time! I hope he gets on the right path again soon and it appears that he is trying to do that! It's so easy, as you said, to slip because in a world that he lives in, pot is everywhere and people don't think smoking it is a big deal. Many judges and lawyers smoke it and don't think twice about it!
I never really used anything but I know how prevalent it is in society.
Again, I hope he finds his track again and gets on it. I'm sure he can do it, he's really trying.

dancer9

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just pot (not that I condone any drugs) but crack is his drug of choice and smoking pot just makes him crave crack. He has been very honest with me about his drug use.

I think he will do fine although his road is a difficult one. He has some good support with the church close by and he has made contact with the pastor and others from the church.

This time around he has others to count on besides an overwhelmed burnt out Mom. I can't help him, only enable him and that is not what he needs. He needs these people (especially former addicts) to help him through this. He has been told and it's true, not to take advice from people who don't have experience with addictions.

I believe he is in a good place and that is comforting.
Kate

O, I see, Katebcca, I know how awful the addiction to crack is. I've seen many a musician move from cocaine to crack when things get bad! It's the absolute easiest thing to get your hands on next to meth! I'm sorry he is into this.

You are right though, he is in a good place and you, certainly, cannot speak to a crack user! To speak that language one must either have used or have intense training in how to handle a user! It's a bad drug and one that should not have been invented. It started to get "hits," out to those who could not afford other drugs and it worked! The crack houses are so horrible.

I hope he hangs on, I really do. I'm proud and glad to hear your talk about it because you have yourself in the right place. I will keep you and he in my thoughts.

dancer

Kate, you spirit is refreshing. Three cheers for not letting him come home. I can't imagine what that feels like for you, but you definitely did the right thing for all of you.

I am sorry to hear about this slip, but perhaps it's another step in the journey towards sobriety. I'll continue to pray for him and you, and your younger kids.

This is taken from www.childlost.blogspot.com

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I need to accept the things I cannot control. I cannot control the behaviors of others. I cannot change the past. It is time to let go and let God handle it. It is time to give up the control. It is time to live in the present, to let go of yesterday and to not project about tomorrow. By accepting the things I cannot change, I give up the anger, the anxiety, the frustration, the depression, the sorrow, the pain.

Courage to change the things I can.

I can control certain aspects of my life. I can change the way I think, my attitude, to act instead of react. By accepting the things I can change, I can focus on myself. I can set goals. I can develop self-love, self-acceptance. I can live my life as it is suppose to be lived.

And wisdom to know the difference.

Probably the most difficult thing to learn in recovery is acquiring the wisdom to know the difference between what can not be changed and what can be changed. A question I ask myself is "Can I change this situation"? Answering this question when presented with a dilemma is gaining the wisdom to know whether or not I can do something. It allows me to set boundaries, avoid self-destructive impulses, deal with the day. Most importantly, it presents me with the opportunity to live a balance life.

I hope this helps.

Thanks Dotsie.
It does help.
I've printed it out.
Kate

Oh good. Happy to help.

Kate, I'm sorry your son relapsed and love your attitude. You are so brave with the situation, and maintaining your hope that things will continue to get better.

It is difficult for addicts in this society -- so true. They usually don't get the education they need to succeed because they skip their teenage years. And pot is rampent in construction and in the restaurant business -- two places that will hire these kids. If they have a record of any kind, they can't get certain other types of jobs, either. (I hate how a felony follows a person forever, but that's a different soap box.)

Do you think he would be willing to think about furthering his education? The path isn't closed to him, just would take some effort. Then again, he might have his hands full with recovery.

Dotsie, I love the serenity prayer -- and this interpretation is great!

My son was released from the hospital and asked to come home for a few days on his way to yet another treatment centre. I checked it out and learned that it was set up.

Even though he has been to six treatment centres, he
convinced me that he had learned his lesson and that he is going to make it work this time. We have had a nice visit this week with basically no problems. He has stayed in the house the entire time and only goes out with me. I drove him to the necessary appointments to set up the treatment centre yet again. I drove him to get his medical tests done at the doctors, all the necessary things that need to be done before being accepted into treatment. Of course I took two days off of work to do this.

I was assured by the treatment centre that they would have a bed for him in approx. 1 week. This happened and I was pleased although concerned that he continues to relapse after every stay at a treatment centre.

All was fine until he got a phone call from his old friend, druggy friend that is. This guy and him have been friends since they were both 15. The only difference between them is that his friend is not an addict. He works, and has kept a job for years but is a big partier. They met at an alternative school and have gotten into alot of trouble over the years, in and out of youth jail. My son went on to go to adult jail more than a few times, his friend stopped at youth jail.

Anyway, my son told me this time around he would not contact him as he knows that he would relapse again if he sees him. He realized that it would not be a good thing as his friend does drugs and drinks a fair bit.

Well, he got a call from this friend and he has moved away (about 6 hours away) has a great job and rents a place with a bunch of guys.

He asked my son if he wanted to visit and sent him a return ticket. I could not believe that my son would even consider it and told him so but he said he was going anyway. He has a return ticket to the city that the treatment centre is in and plans to go there as planned on Tuesday.

The problem, if you have used drugs within five days of going to the treatment centre you will be turned away. They test your urine when you are checked in. You have to be clean for five days.

I am 100% positive that my son will have a weekend full of drugs and alcohol and will be turned away.

I explained that to him that if he is turned away he is basically homeless and asked him if his weekend away is worth it.

I can't believe that he is doing this. He has had do much support from the church, AA and me. So many people have gone out of their way to help him. We gave our all, and he has now chosen to go with his friend. I told him he is not a true friend or he would encourage him to stay clean and go to treatment, not invite him to come for the weekend and get high. He knows my son is an addict. The sad part is if my son does become homeless, his friend won't let him stay with him.

I've had it. I will not let him come home again to live, between treatment centres or not. I have had years of this.
No more, I'm done.
Kate

My heart goes out to you, kate. Your heart must be heavy..

Kate, is there any way you can contact this so called friend of your son? If you could visit him and give him your piece of mind face to face, maybe you can convince him never ever to call your son again. Wish there was an island where you could plant your son in the middle of it. He would have to live there for at least three years, and be bombarded with healthy foods, healthy motivating talks, and experience a rebirth.
Whatever. Dear Kate....you have done all you can do. It's good that you are ready to let go. Yes, let go and concentrate on your two other children.

Kate
I am thinking and praying for you.
Mountain ash

Kate
I know the church have given support..is there anyone perhaps a recovered addict who would help...these friendships boys/men have feed a bit that we cannot...But in this case he has so much to loose.Maybe someone from the past...think...would back you up.
MA

I have tried to talk sense into his friend many times and he tells me to mind my own business. He gets very beligerent with me so this is a dead end street.

He is my son's best friend, or so my son thinks, but he has kicked him out of his place many times as he doesn't want to put up with him when he is using crack either.

What I can't understand is why he would put my son in this situation when he knows he has to go to treatment this Tuesday. He knows my son has to be clean for five days before he checks in and if he even smokes pot (which he will) it will show up and he will be turned away and then what? He will come back to my house with yet another sob story.

My son is not dumb, he is a manipulator. He tells you what you want to hear to get what he wants.

One of my friends said, what will happen after he has completed this 42 day program if he gets in? Then he will want to come to your house again as he will have no where to go. I know this is true. I think he uses this treatment thing as a survival technique as he knows I will let him stay at my house if he is trying, or at least appearing to be trying.

Not only is his decision to go visit his friend a bad one, he is breaking his probation order as he is not allowed to leave the province which he did. The probation officer called me the other day and left a message wanting him to call her. Now he is putting me in a tricky situation. If she calls again I won't lie for him.

He does not want to take care of himself at all and just wants a warm bed/home, food (he ate everything in my house) smokes bought for him, etc. etc. without any of the responsibility. While he was here I bought him 4 packs of smokes in five days. I can't even afford to smoke. I am supporting my other two kids on one income and my rent takes more than half of my paycheque.

I don't want to be a victim here or take what he is doing personally. It is his life, but I have to realize that while he is making his choices, I have to make mine. My new choice is that I've helped him long enough and I can never let him come back home again. Maybe for short visits at Christmas but never to live while he is waiting for treatment.

Anyway, I still believe that it's important to be there for him emotionally, but not financially anymore. His decisions are his, but they affect me to the point where I can't focus at work and that is affecting my life big time. He drags me down with him so I have to let go.
Kate

(thank you for your prayers)

Kate, every time I see this topic I hold my breath waiting to see how you are doing. Damn it. I can't beleive this is happening. This so called friend makes me see red and I don't even know him.

There really is nothing you can do to keep a young adult son from going. It's not like you can tie him to the house. He's going to do what he wants.

And you are going to come here and we are going to support you and try to keep you from letting him back in. You know he has to hit rock bottom to turn his life around. It won't happen if you let him back and you know it.

Please try to stick to your guns and focus on your two younger children. Why not do a little something special with them this weekend to take your mind off your oldest. I'm sure thy're totally aware of what's going on and are probably disappointed too. Sending tight, warm hugs to you three.

I'm praying for your strength and peace of mind. Onward Kate...

Yes stick to my guns this time. I have done it before so I can do it again. I just felt that this last time after not letting him back for many months that he was serious about making a change. I was wrong.

He is 24 this year, time for me to stop kicking a dead horse as the saying goes, or my favorite:

Definition of Insanity:
"Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

It is so painful when I don't help him, he calls me and cries begging for help and equally painful in a frustrating way when I do help him as he is basically scamming me.

I may have to go back to Alannon meetings again.
Kate

I heard from my son tonight. He is not coming back. He has a place to stay and his friend has a good job and is going to help him find a place and a job.

He said he has been to treatment too many times so what is the point in going. He knows what he has to do. He is in a city that is full of jobs for young men in the construction industry. Maybe hanging out with some other males will do him good, out in the fresh air.

Whatever it will do me good to have a break from the insanity.

The only problem is there will be a warrant out for his arrest as he is not to leave the province. He will have to deal with that one. It is not for any big crime but he won't be able to come back until he deals with it. He is going to try to get the order transferred to where he is.

I wished him all the best and told him I will be there for him but not in a financial way, nor will my home ever be an option. He seems to get that and says that is why he chose to leave. He needs a change and a new start.

Who knows, I may have some good news on this post yet.
Kate

I assume that he is Alberta right now, Kate?

Most important of all, hope you and he talk every few weeks just to update one another. It would be good...

Kate, I just saw this. I'm sorry for all the chaos that you have been enduring sense your son turned around and went the other way. You are strong and so right to move on with your life, no matter how hard it is. I've an alcoholic sister and she can cause great pain if in my life.

You sound as if you are holding up but I'm just sorry you have to "hold up," at all! Still, they say, "Time heals all wounds," and I believe that your son will heal his addiction one day, some time. It is usually when they decide.

Did you know that statistics say that addicts quit with the same rate as with or without therapy? The therapy, I believe, is good for them and can help them know themselves and their addiction but he may quit one day because he decides.

I pray that is the case. I've sons and I can't imagine what you must be going through except to know how a friend of mine suffered as her son acted out on drugs and stealing. A therapist eventually helped her to get out of his life but it was so very hard for her. She knew his childhood was rough and was blaming herself.

Truthfully, a lot of us have bad childhoods and do not become addicts.

In your case you are an excellent mother and your son still has these problems. Remember, you are an excellent mother and have faith if you possibly can. I keep you in my thoughts!

dancer

Yes Orchid, he is now in Calgary.

Dancer, thanks for thinking of me too.

I know about the stats and AA does not have very good ones. Only 11% or so stick with the program. The stats are higher for people who quit on their own. And of course some never do.

My son and I have been doing research on alternative methods but the reality is, you just have to want to quit.

He is with a friend that he feels comfortable with. This friend is not one that I would choose as he likes to party too much, but in his own way I think he is trying to help my son. Figures if he keeps busy working he won't have time to do too many drugs.

My son knows the 12 step program inside and out. He has had so much counselling and treatment he could teach a class on it.

It's up to him now and maybe, just maybe he will quit on his own as many do. They just get sick and tired of losing all of their stuff and their families being upset with them all the time.

I pray he gets it but will be protecting myself by leaving this all up to him. He knows what to do, just has to put it into practice. He says he needs a change, a new start so time will tell if this change will work for him. I sure hope so.
Kate

Kate,
I'm probably like a lot of people here in that we read the post and keep up with your son's progress, and with his setbacks. While we may not post comments each time, you can be sure we're your sideline cheerleaders, praying often for his recovery.

I hope and pray that this new atmosphere will bring him a fresh new perspective and possible motivate him to lift himself up.

I think you are an incredible Mom and I truly wish you and your family the best in this. Please know that we are all reading, and praying.

Thank you Queen JJ.
It has been a long road, since he was 15 when he tried cocaine. Obviously needed to fill a void and then became highly addicted.

I do have a feeling he is getting fed up with all of these treatment centres etc. and he may even kick the habit himself.

His friend although a social drug user will only put up with him for so long and that is a good thing. His own peer will have him either tow the line, ie. work and pay his way, or he will kick him out within a month. This friend does not have the same patience as me and that may be just what he needs.

I'm sure everyone reading my posts hope that this chaos will end soon, as do I.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Kate

My son is ok. He has found a job in the city he moved to and it pays really well. He moved into a room but met some young guys from work and has now moved into a house with two of them. He makes more per hour than I do and is now part of the union. He has to get up at 5:30am and works 10 hour days so he doesn't have much time to do drugs. He works six days a week and goes to bed early.

I have no idea if he is using but I know if he was doing alot of drugs he would not be able to function so that is a good sign. Still when he gets paid he blows his money, recently bought a lap top and continues to call me for food and bus fare money. I have told him NO for a while now. He needs to learn that he has to put some money away. This will be a hard habit to break as he always counts on me to bail him out. I realize that this is partly my fault and am trying to break the cycle.

So, some good news for now.
Kate

That's incredible that he is still asking you for money, where he is earning more then you are. Next time your son should ask for a hand out, tell him you were just about to call HIM and ask for money. That just may stop him in his tracks.
Glad to hear he has such a great job. Boy, that’s a reason to celebrate!!!!

His work ethic is great. Perhaps he's on a spending binge because he hasn't had money in so long. Maybe he'll begin to save soon. I would even say something like, "I can understand your spending right now, but once you get a few things you want, you need to begin putting money away."

I like Hannelore's idea.

I love my son and want him to succeed. I also want him to save some of his paycheque for necessities.

I would like to give him money just for doing well but I won't always be around and he needs to feel that he has no security blanket. Only then will he start to think differently and make changes.

My ex, still borrows from his mom and he is almost 50. My son has seen this. I don't want to be like his Mom, close to 80 on a limited income and still giving him money. She is retired and on a pension and he works full time and definately makes more than her. His live in girlfriend also works.

In the long run it's better that my son learns to depend on only himself and that is what I am trying to teach him. Trying that is :-)
Kate

kate, just a comment, every time I read about your son and something that has happened or how you feel, you are doing the right thing.

I just wanted to comment that you are a good, good mother,

dancer9

Thank you dancer9, I try hard.
My kids are everything to me. Thank God my youngest two
14 1/2 and 16 give me no problems at all. They are wonderful kids. Teenage stuff ya, but nothing major. My 16 year old never ever talks back and is respectful, my son the 14 year old sometimes tries it on but backs off quickly. He doesn't want to be like his brother.

The eldest came with major issues and had to deal with sexual abuse from a baseball coach and the divorce, the youngest don't remember the divorce at all.

So, he is the way he is and hopefully he will continue to learn even if it is sometimes the hard way. He has a good heart.
Kate

kate,
I see the problem when you tell me of his background. A child will go off when faced with what he was faced with. I hope that he learns to cope with his pain and learns to live a life and know that he is worth a good life and stops hurting so badly over his early childhood!

Your other children sound great but like a handful! I am proud of you for dealing with all this and once again, doing it right! It's a full time job with over time!

Again, I hope for your son. He has somethings that have delivered him a blow that he obviously cannot stand up to at this time. I pray that he learns that he is worthy.

If it is possible to heal him I know you will do anything YOU can to help that along.

You are a great mother.

Dancer9

Thank you.

My son seems to be holding his own these days. He keeps in touch every other day and is working full time.

He won't talk about the drugs but I know that if he was using he would not be able to work. So, I think he must be abstaining at least from the hard stuff.
Kate

Just got a call from my son. He went to a party with the work crowd. This was a huge party for the workers sponsored by the union. It was non stop food and unfortunately alcohol. When my son drinks he gets huge cravings for drugs.
So, he got drunk, went off with some guys from work. Spent his entire cheque over $700 on crack and doesn't remember the last four days, where he was etc. Woke up in the hospital. He is being watched and they told him the way his mind is, he is incapable of making any decisions for himself.

He called me to tell me he is there until Thursday then going back to the treatment centre he was at right before he went to Calgary with the first relapse.

Now, I am the kind of person who when something isn't working I try something else. I am at a place where I am wondering if I should step in. If he goes back to a treatment centre where he already was, why would it work this time.

Through much research I have read that being addicted to crack cocaine is different. Regular treatment centres do not work for these addicts. They need to be under a doctor's supervision, have a much longer treatment stay then other types of treatment and be monitored.

What do I do. I don't want to be an enabler, but if my son can't make choices on his own, should I step in. I want him to go to an addictions doctor. The 12 step program does not work for him and I've read it is not successful for crack addicts.

Wondering what your thoughts are on this. He continues to go through one revolving door after another. Goes to treatment, does well, comes out, gets a job, relapses.Goes to treatment, does well, comes out, gets a job, relapses. Goes to treatment, does well, comes out, gets a job, relapses.

It is obvious that something else needs to be done. I want to be careful and not take this on for my other kids sake.....but, what he continues to do just isn't working. I am 99% sure that if he goes to another 12 step program, treatment centre that he will relapse when he gets out.

What do you think I should do? I am too close to the situation to think logically, or am I!
Kate

I guess he's going to same treatment centre...because that's what he knows is available and doesn't hurt him at the time of treatment. He is at least, trying to help himself.

He does need someone to keep him on track..but you're too close. Best that at least he contact you on his progress because he needs to know at least you have knowledge of him and his whereabouts.

I don't know what else to say/offer. It sounds like a crisis ...for him..which is spilling over lots into his family.

Do these treatment centres offer him counselling while they are there?

Yes they offer counselling but AA and the 12 step program does not work as well for cocaine addicts. He has tried and failed over and over again. I think the drug of his choice is the problem. He needs a much longer treatment stay and also to be under a doctors care which treatment centres do not offer.

I am feeling that old rescue syndrome coming on so want to be careful of that and keep my boundaries. But, wish I could find some alternative place that he hasn't tried. I am going to call my family doctor tomorrow and try to at the least get some options for him to look at, and I mean Him, not me.
If I get involved and rescue him we will have to start all over again and I don't want that. If I give him an inch well you know how that goes.
Kate

I really hope that parents or friends of parents who are struggling with an addict in the family learn from my mistakes.
My son called me from the hospital letting me know that he was being discharged. He decided to go back to treatment
at my request, but also said he knows it's the only way.

I had done some homework and discovered after connecting with a former crack addict that these short treatment programs 30 to 40 days just don't work in the long term, short term yes but not once the addict is out on his own. The temptations are too great. I was told that after treatment a crack addict should not have any cash available to him for at least six months. If he works he will need to get someone else to be in charge of his money. Sounds good but not easy to do.

Anyway, I found a 1 year program that my son could get into straight away. He agreed that he needs to be in treatment for a longer period of time. I gave him all the info and he agreed to go and said he called the facility to set up an intake meeting. The centre is Christian based which he likes, and is on a farm, very strict but a very good recovery rate, close to 85% recovery.
AA and shorter programs success rate is only 5%. This would mean, leaving the city he is in, leaving his job which was gone anyway as he relapsed and did not show up at work for 3 days. He was also kicked out of his house because he owed everyone money, was behind on the rent etc. etc. After the relapse he found himself in the hospital psych ward.

So, the dilemma, to get him from the city he is in now, to the city with the year long treatment program, 8 hours away.

My son has no ID. He never does as he looses everything. He only has the clothes on his back, all of his worldly goods which were many this time around are all gone. Typical with drug addicts.

Anyway he needs a bus ticket to get to the treatment centre. The bus depot would not let me buy a ticket for him because he would need ID to pick it up. So, I sent $200 cash through Western Union, you only need ID over 1,000. He called me to say he received it and was on his way to the bus depot and he would call me when he got to the treatment centre.

Next day: I get a call from hospital psych ward. They say they are calling on behalf of my son and that he needs $169.00 for a bus ticket. I am confused. I say "what is he doing at the hospital, he said he left". The nurse said "no he did not leave". I said "I just sent him $200 yesterday and that he was to buy a bus ticket with it". She said to me " Well, where do you think the money went"

I was floored, felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. My son has ripped me off before but not like this. Years ago he pawned my jewelry etc. and if I gave him $20 here or there I'm sure he may have spent it on drugs, but this was something new. Usually if he needs a place to stay I have paid for it directly. I buy him clothes rather than give him money, buy him groceries etc.

I made a real point about the money, and my lack of it. I told him that sending him $200 would leave me really short. I told him that my rent is more than my last pay cheque that things have slowed down at work (which they have)
I made it very clear to him that giving him this money was really going to hurt and I would be very short in funds, in the red actually. He said he really appreciates this and will call me as soon as he gets there.

So, lesson learned, never give addicts money, ID or not, never.....never.....never.

I found out that he had someone call my daughter's cell phone and ask her for money. He must be in a very bad way.

For now I am trying to see the addiction for what it is, not get madand just learn my lesson. But, it hurts, it really hurts especially since I told him I couldn't afford it.

I need to realize that crack or whatever the drug takes away the addicts reasoning, all they want is the drug and they will lie, cheat, steal whatever to get it.

I hope some of you saw the Oprah show the other day. She had a Dad and his former drug addict son on the show as they have both written books. Their story is almost identical to mine so at least I found some comfort there. Although one family that was on and told their story lost their son, he died of an overdose while they were in the waiting room at the hospital. Sad, very sad. I am so afraid that this will happen to my son.
Kate

Kate, I can really empathize with what you are feeling right now. It is so difficult to be a family member of an addict. I know how it feels to trust and then have that trust violated, and I so know that 'kicked in the stomach' feeling! All I can offer is that I know you are struggling with what to do for your son; all you can really do at this point is take care of yourself and the family you have with you. As hard as it is, you have to let go of your son and let him succeed or fail on his own. Addiction is such a horrible affliction for the addicts and those who are close to them. Some addicts do recover and live productive lives; others don't - that's the nature of the beast. My heart goes out to you, Kate, so take care of yourself.

Kate, my heart aches with you...I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I've known some really good people who became lost to cocaine - it really is all they know, and they will indeed cheat, lie, steal, do whatever it takes to get that next fix. We had a guy in our church many years ago, such a gifted musician, a lay liturgist who was very popular and beloved. He became addicted to cocaine, and phoned EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the church begging for money. Many people gave it to him before the priest finally got up in the pulpit and begged everyone to stop. We moved out of the province, so we don't know what ever happened to him. But the whole church grieved the loss of this man, because even though he still looked the same, he was clearly not the same person after the cocaine took over. Very very sad.

I don't know what to say, I just hold you in my heart and prayer and pray for wisdom and healing for YOU and your son.

PS I also PM'd you.

Stay well Kate...you must think of being healthy...so that you can still give to your 2 other children.

I forgot this story of an addict who I never knew but did happen in a good family. My brother-in-law had a brother who died at 26 yrs., probably from drug overdose after getting out jail. It was never clear to me. His younger brother got involved in petty crime, didn't finish high school and took drugs. This is a middle-class family with 2 caring, aware parents. I've met both parents. My brother-in-law (who has a PhD and researcher-assistant professor, married with 2 children, even-tempered person) probably appeared to be the golden boy to his brother..

YOu have tried everything, short of your life and other children.

Eagle Heart, I tried to respond to your PM but it says you are not taking private messages.
Let me know how else to contact you as I would like to respond.
thanks,
Kate

Sorry, Kate; I turned it off when we went away for several weeks. I just turned it back on...

My son is doing well and has been in a treatment centre for the past three weeks. He has connected again with the church.

He keeps in touch and so far so good. He asked me to read the AA Big Book so I am reading it as luckily a friend had a copy of it. He wants me to understand how hard it is to stop using and also wants me to know that relapse is part of the process. The book explains all of that.

The book also says when they relapse to just be supportive, not enabling and not to get mad at them. To encourage them to do what they feel is best. Hard to do as a parent but I am finally letting go and allowing him to make his own choices without putting my two cents in there.
Kate

glad to hear he's trying hard.

Does he have a hidden passion/interest that is lying dormant or just hasn't gotten around to cultivating other interests?

I don't know about that. He has been doing drugs heavily since age 15. He has ADD and has not had much luck succeeding at much over the years. He gives up quite easily because every time he has put himself out there he fails, in his eyes anyway.

I remember he finally got in with the "in crowd" in grade 8. He wanted so badly to fit in and joined the basketball team as he loved playing sports but he got cut. He got confused and put the ball in the other teams basket one too many times. He was so humiliated. Also that year he was surrounded by a group of teens who cut his hair all off in front of about 40 students. They were laughing at him. His hair was quite long. This was so devastating for him. The principal didn't want to make a big deal out of it as it would ruin the schools reputation. He expelled the boys but didn't want the police involved. I also caught my son on the phone with these guys telling them he won't let me call the police. He was still trying to fit in with them, very sad.

I'm afraid his early years were often traumatic as he rarely fit in and often (due to his ADD) stuck out like a sore thumb.

I'm sure when he is clean for a good length of time he will find his passion.

He loves animals, the outdoors and is a great reader. I read to him every day from an early age and he developed a love of reading even during his most difficult times

katebcca,
I was glad to see your son was back in treatment! Never give up, so long as he isn't...and he isn't! I wish him and you, the very best and keep you in my thoughts.

You are so strong through out this ordeal. You are an example to others, and could be a great help to anyone in similar circumstances!

Dancer9

He really enjoys science fiction and stuff like Lord of the Rings. Lots of action as he gets bored easily.

We've always had lots of animals and I have saved birds, squirrels etc. I nursed two crows back to health, not at the same time. He has always been around animals and loves dogs and cats. I also had a horse at one time. He did volunteer at an animal shelter many years ago for only for a short time.

Right now he is focusing on his treatment. Down the road I'm sure he will look into finding his passion.

I just sent him the book A New Earth, and I hope he gets something out of this as I sure did.
Kate

Good for him and good for you Kate.

I'm thinking that when he gets this behind him, working at a vet's office, or with Outward Bound might suit him. I'll pray that he meets someone who will encouarge him on the right path when he finishes rehab. It would be great if an adult would take an interest in him and mentor him - someone other than family.

Things are going well. My son graduates from the treatment centre end of this month. Hard to believe, it went by so fast, probably not for him though. There are 50 guys and as you can imagine that would be hard to take. Many of them are still using so my son finds the living situation difficult. Many of the new guys don't last more than a week so there are always new people coming and going. Not easy.

He seems to have matured quite a bit this time around. They added some new counselling programs and he has opened up quite a bit and is working on healing from his past.

One thing I wish I had of known, and would love to pass on to others in my situation aside from never giving up on them. What I learned is that relapse is part of the process. I really didn't know this. I actually expected treatment to work the first time around and wondered why he relapsed all of the time. Relapsing is part of the journey to becoming sober, they get stronger each time. I put all my hope into him not using each time when it was a given that he would. I have learned more this time around.


He was going to get an apartment and I was hoping he would change his mind but didn't say anything. (I have to stay out of his life, let him make his own choices) I spoke with him last night and he was so happy that he has found a really good recovery house. He says it's the best place for him now and he admits he needs the support.

Just wanted to share.
Kate

I will keep him in my prayers Kate, that he has a true and lasting recovery....

kate, thanks for sharing. I have a friend going through an addiction problem with a child. I will share with her your thoughts on relapse because it's happening.

Some people recover and make counseling part of their lives. Perhaps he will do that so he is always surrounded by people who are trying to stay clean?

Kate, you simply amaze me how you stand your ground each time, yet offer the support he needs, within you limits. You are truly a good mom. I hope you realize this.

I pray that this time is HIS time. Please keep us posted on his progress and know that we are in your corner, and his!

It may sound weird but I do not pray that this will be HIS time. I do know where you are coming from though Jawjaw and appreciate your prayers.

I felt like this at one time. My son sent me the AA book and asked me to read it. It is the one he reads, not the one for family or friends of the addict. It made his journey much more clear to me. Relapse is a part of the journey. It would be great if it wasn't, but it is what it is. He has spent 7 long years addicted to drugs and has only seriously started on the journey to sobriety for the past year or so. Before that he just did it to please me, get me off his back, go along with his court order etc.

It is so important that we (the parents) understand that nothing we can do will make them stop. I made mistakes, I kept telling him to change, I got angry with him, I tried everything but all this did was make him more hard on himself. He felt unaccepted.

If I were to do it over again I would still do the tough love thing, still ask him to leave my house. But, I would be much more supportive emotionally. I would not judge him.
I would not lose my patience with him or get angry. This does more harm than good. While I was trying to help him, I was in fact not helping him.

Now, I just accept, be non judgemental, encourage him and believe in him. Tell him that he is smart and that he will figure it out.

His counsellor told me that my son is a follower. Due to the drugs he has no idea of who he is. He has no sense of self. He encourages him to rely on himself, make his own choices. This is the only way he will start to believe in himself and stop listening to everyone else, including me.

I am now enpowering him rather than constantly giving him advice and asking him to change. This is working out much better.

Oh how I wish I had known all of this years ago. I do hope my experience helps your friend Dotsie, and anyone else who is reading this.
Kate

Kate, I admire how you handle your son and it sounds as if he is once again, trying, which is all he can do.

I think we must remember that addiction is an illness, a disease, and one needs treatment. It does not speak to a person's character! It only says that he possesses that gene, he suffers from that illness and he must struggle to fight it like any other disease!

You do so much to be there but to be there in the right way.

I am hoping for him that he can kick this and straighten his life out, but yes, relapse is part of recovery.

Warm regards,
Dancer

I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a child going through this...I admire your strenght, Kate, and pray that you continue to be the kind of Mother your son needs. I'm sure through the cloud of the addiction, he knows.

My son graduated his three month treatment centre for the second time. He came home for a visit and is still here. I gave him a week off to just settle and visit with family. As of Monday he has to get to work or he's out. He has been ok here. It's only tough because there is no bedroom for him and he takes up the living room, sleeps on the couch. We have no family room and it's a small house so it can't last for too much longer.

I want to give him a start though as he is trying. He is doing well so I feel it's ok to offer my support. I know when he is scamming me. I'm far too wise now to fall for any stories and he is well aware of that. The plan is for him to work for a couple of weeks and then get his own place. He did manage to get a job so that is a good thing.
One day at a time is the AA slogan so that is what I'm doing.
So far so good.
Kate

Kate, I agree with what you're doing. As long as our kids are on the right track, we should do all we can to help them. Should he burn you, then you back off and he'll learn his lesson. Praying this doesn't happen and that he is serious about his sobriety! Be strong!