Dear BoomerSisters,

Thank you all for your continued warm words of support. It’s been a while since I last posted. Dotsie was so kind to email me and let me know that I was still receiving responses from y’all…

This month marks the one-year anniversary of my traumatic divorce after 20 years of marriage and it has been a year full of happiness, tears, frustration and amazing self-discovery. I have learned much and have the gray hairs to prove it! I have truly found my voice at last, and at the tender age of 53 have finally learned to stand up for myself. I know…it’s about time, but better late than never, right?

And not a moment too soon, either: after everything that I’ve been through I recently found out that my ex ripped me off again, this time on last year’s taxes. For the first time in my life I was able to call him on it without feeling that shaking in the pit of my belly or becoming mentally scattered and unable to coherently respond when I heard his voice or read his emails. I will be bringing him back to court shortly on child-support issues as well. The devious man who set himself up to appear penniless and jobless at our divorce hearing last year has made a miraculous recovery and earned $350,000.00 according to his recent tax returns (which I had the wherewithal to request a copy of). Out of this I received a mere $17,000 in combined spousal and child support, and yet he still kicks and screams and complains every time he has to reimburse me for court-approved child-related expenses. Amazing, no?

He has turned out to be a true sociopath, just as the astute psychologist warned me so many months ago. His ‘relationship’ with his 2 sons is gut-wrenching for me, as a mom, to observe. There is little I can do to intervene at this point (since my kids are teenagers) other than offer them my unconditional love and support and provide them with professional counseling, guidance and patience as needed while they try to figure out how to reconcile the creature that is their biological father and learn how to deal with the only dad they will ever know. They are terrified that they may possess the “psycho” gene and need constant reassurance from me that they are nothing like their father. And yet, they still love him.

Like me, my children have had a difficult year learning how to stand up for themselves. My youngest finally developed a backbone but only after he became ill once again and appeared to suffer what looked like a minor stroke (at the age of 16!) due to toxic mold exposure in his dad’s rental home. It took a spinal tap, two visits to the hospital, multiple scans and MRIs, neurological examinations, general testing, labwork and the illness and subsequent death of our beloved dog (who developed a massive growth - which according to our doctor was most likely caused by his exposure to the mold in the ex’s house as well) before he could bring himself to tell his father that he would no longer set foot in his house unless and until it was remediated and tested to be safe.

My eldest son is volunteering again for the summer with the junior peace corp in Latin America and told me before he left that he is looking forward to spending 7 weeks away from home so that he can decide if he will ever speak to his dad again. This, after he stood up to his father about his and his brother’s health issues and was accused of having no mind of his own…and told that his mother had successfully brainwashed him. Ow. Luckily not something that this kid who has a 4.8 GPA and numerous academic awards and college scholarships was likely to swallow anymore. He told me that he finally understood what it must have felt like for me to endure 20 years of being treated like an idiot by his father.

I have finally found my calling, and I have decided to help women like myself who find themselves on the brink of a major, traumatic transition in their lives. I have been blessed and found a way to start a small business creating holistic health-based products for boomer women and I will hopefully see the first of several product roll-outs by summer’s end. I will keep you posted. I have resumed writing and taking interviews for the book I started on divorce last year (I was finally given the go-ahead by my lawyer now that enough time has passed and the ex cannot petition for any income I might receive from publishing it). I am continually blown-away by our collective boomer girlfriends’ willingness to share their stories and experiences with me so that the rest of us can learn from what they perceive to have been their critical mistakes. I have a long-range project in the works too: I am in the process of setting up an organization for women who are in transition and need outside help, financial or otherwise. This is the project most near and dear to my heart and I have committed to donating a percentage of all my future earnings to setting this up and getting it operational.

I am developing some wonderful relationships with other divorced women my age who understand the importance of having girlfriends and a strong female support network. The other evening we all went to a free outdoor rock concert. We spread blankets out on the grass, took off our sandals and grooved to the music in a way that most of us haven’t allowed ourselves to do since Woodstock! Then we watched some magnificent fireworks and oohed and ahhed as the sparkly display lit up the warm summer night. For more than a few moments I felt truly, blissfully happy, grateful to be there and felt as if I hadn’t a care in the world. I do not remember the last time I felt so light-hearted and young.

Once a week on Sunday nights I do something for my spirit and splurge $8.00 on a group dance lesson at a West Coast Swing center downtown. I hadn't danced in twenty years and as one of my friends recently pointed out to me, I no longer have any excuses to deprive myself of what used to be a joy in my pre-married life. This particular dance hall does not require that you come with a partner, so it is a great way to socialize in an non-threatening environment as compared to going to a bar or lounge, which has never been my style. It is lovely to find out that men still find me attractive but a man is the last thing I am looking for right now. I am focused on earning a living after 18 years as a stay-at-home-mom, and men are just not in the picture at the moment. Besides, it will take lots of work and a very special person in order for me to trust anyone again after my experiences.

For those of you who are going through a divorce or considering one, may I be an optimistic reminder to you that there is life after the heartache, and many wonderful moments still ahead of you. Divorce can be a rebirth and your family can be reconfigured in a way that will teach valuable lessons to everyone about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I have no regrets, and can only wish the same for you.

Much love,
Foundhervoice-atlast

foundhervoice, WOW, what an amzing update. What an inspiration you are for women in transition. You have found your calling. Amen.

I have so much to respond to, but must ask...why does a man making $350,000 a year have to live in a mold infested apartment? Has he moved since putting his son through all that trauma? That's unbelievable.

You sound like you have so much going on, you can't decide what to do next. That is so great. DId you have any of this passion when you were in your marriage, or was it diminished due to your circumstance? Just wondering because I think it can give women in similar situations tremendous hope.

I am so happy to hear how well you are doing! Carry on dear friend and be all that you can be for the good of other women!

FoundHerVoice...

WOW! You have definitely found your voice and it's a roar! You are and will be an inspiration for many!

I loved your post so much that I read it twice. It makes me want to pick up the sword and move forward with a vengance. Bravo!

Dotsie asked most of the questions I had, but I would like to add that if you are still taking interviews for the book, would you want any of the ladies here to respond? If so, please let them know how you would want them to get in touch with you.

Also, please keep us informed and let us know when your other biz is in full swing and where to find you on the Net.

Lastly, you've probably inspired more women than you'll ever know since many women come here and just read, never posting. Your words will spill over into their own lives and inspire them, too. I'm sure of it! Don't forget that!

Bravo, kudos, attagirl, what a tower of strength you are.

I am in awe. Nothing can stop you now, you are the woman it has taken a lifetime for you to become. I wish you many successful happy days ahead.

Wow...I'm so moved by your life and how you are living it. I can't wait for the book!

Way to go, and big kudos to you! I love how you have learned to lean on yourself and develop your inner strength.

You west coast swinger, you!

Wahoo - you go, girl. Doesn't it feel great!

Good questions Dotsie! Why does a man who earns $350,000.00 a year live in a mold-infested house? His rental home definitely looked a bit shabby to the naked eye, and the very first time I set foot in it for all of about five minutes I developed an instantaneous headache, nausea and had to go outside to throw up, which is a typical reaction to that kind of intense toxicity. But I think the bigger question is why would any normal father take on a 2 year lease before having the place professionally tested - no matter how good it did or didn’t look, bargain or not, after what we had already been through? After all, that’s why we uprooted ourselves and moved to Colorado: so we could have less exposure to environmental mold and live in a drier climate. He told his children that they were hypochondriacs when they claimed they were not feeling well, and ignored their feelings entirely, even though every time they stayed with their dad for the court-mandated 4 days of visitation once every two weeks, they immediately got sick, and returned home to me just in time for me to nurse them back to health in preparation for the next visitation. The attorneys turned a deaf ear to my pleas, claiming that my boys were old enough to stand up to their father, and that it was inappropriate for me to intervene on their behalf.

During the divorce proceedings, both attorneys overruled the ex’s refusal to deal with the issue and forced him to have his house tested. I even paid to have his car tested when he refused to. Both tests came back high positive, but he never went through with remediation because of - I suspect - the expense, for one thing. He was never a generous man (believe me I’m being kind when I say that) and remediation if done properly, is not inexpensive. But the real issue has to do with his being a sociopath and on emotional disconnect. When our doctor in California first informed him that he himself had developed a rare lymphoma as a result of his exposure to the toxic mold in our house, the ex decided that the doctor was a quack and blew him off. (Never mind that this same physician - affiliated with Stanford and Harvard Universities - is now considered the top mold authority in the United States, and the number one expert called in to testify for mold litigation!) If the ex was not able to acknowledge his own illness, how could he accept that anyone else had a problem?

He is currently looking for a new apartment, but only because his lease is up in August. He took my youngest son apartment hunting with him last week, and the child had an allergic reaction to one of the places they looked at. The ex tried to convince him they should consider leasing it anyway, because it was such a good deal. My son seems to have convinced him otherwise, at least that’s how it appears for the moment. We’ll see.

As far as your question about whether I had any of the same passions or zest for life during the marriage that I have now, the answer is sadly “no”. I remember seeing a therapist who asked me to describe what my fantasies were, and I replied that I no longer had any. I was emotionally and spiritually dead, having emotionally and physically bankrupted myself in order to keep the peace and protect my children who were truly at risk. There was no hope to be myself under those circumstances, and the sad part is that I did not even realize how much of myself I had lost until the marriage was over and I woke up to discover that I no longer had a clue who I was.

Thank you for all your words of congratulations and encouragement. I still have a lot to work on, but at least I am finally on my way! Your support means the world to me.

And yes - if anyone of you has a story you’d like to share with me about a bad divorce, one in which you started out pretty shaky but managed to survive and thrive in spite of, I would love to interview you. Thanks so much for inquiring!

Namaste,
Foundhervoice-atlast

I'm so proud of you. I know it's been a very difficult year but girl, you came through the fire with barely any ashes on you. Bravo!

Dear FoundHerVoice,
Congrats to you for making it through the first year. Although I was divorced 12 years ago, I remember clearly what it was like to bring my children through as well as myself. That first year is all about making new traditions and leaving behind what you were accustomed to...the good and the bad. Your attitude is so positive, which I believe is important as you experience everything from a new perspective. But it can be exciting and happy. It just depends on how you choose to live it. My ex has run me through the mill over the last 12 years, and now that my children are close to adult age, and I cannot shield them the way I used to, he tries to play his crap with them and that totally sucks! Sorry ladies, but that is the strongest yet cleanest word I can use to describe it. However, they are finding their way with my love and support. Keep doing what you are doing. You have so much to look forward to! By the way....enjoy that dancing. My hobby is ballroom dancing and I love it! I met so many wonderful people. It is a great way to be social without the worry of being "hit on" when you don't want it! Enjoy!

What observations/helpful advice do y'all have post-divorce for women who are dealing with uncooperative ex-spouses regarding dependent children? Have your views changed over time?

Any and all enlightenment is appreciated!

Hugs,
Foundhervoice-atlast

Look how beautiful you are! Could you give more details? Not sure what you mean. Thanks!

it must have been difficult but i really admire you!!! now you can be proud to say you're strong!!!

I've considered divorce, but am working on building up our marriage again. If it is at all possible; it is the easier and better way for all.

Still, Dear Foundhervoice-atlast, I have copied and saved your post. I hope and pray I won't ever need it, but just in case;....I know it would help me in many ways.

You have chosen the best way for you, and how wonderful that you can look back and say it was the only way.

Got my paperwork via an attachment and filled it out. I have been married three times and divorced so I think I qualify. Waiting to hear from you...

Hannelore, I am glad you have chosen to make it work. I've been following you on this mission. You are still on my prayer list (Hannelore-happy within marriage). How's it going?

Dotsie, I am deeply touched that you still include me in your prayer list, thank you so much,

I don't want to turn this thread to me, so I'll just give you a brief update.

Since I left and went on that one over-night…no more tears; which alone is a major breakthrough. I don't know really if things are much better. We are blessed to have our grandchild with us, which does bond us and at the same time serves as a distraction from our own problems. Maybe God sent us our own cupid angel. Gee, what a nice thought.

The true test is when our grandchild is gone, and our old life is back. I try to think positive and had this quote sent to me last week, which I would love to live by,…but need more work on the patience thing; here it is…


Recipe For Happiness
Two heaped cups of patience,
One heartful of love,
Two handfuls of generosity,
One headful of understanding and a dash of humour,
Sprinkle with kindness, add plenty of faith and mix well.

Spread over a period of a lifetime and serve to everyone you meet.

Boy talk about "get right to the heart of things." Thats what this verse does. Very inspiring.

Hannelore, you are so wise to recognize the distraction of your grandchild. But what a blessing she is at this very time. She's allowing you to draw closer through her and then maybe after she goes home to Mom and Dad, you will be better able to address your other issues. That's wha I'm hoping and praying for. How's Mom? Any companion yet?

Dear Hannelore,

I too am a strong believer in commitment and I applaud both your tenacity and resolve. I know how difficult it can be to remain steadfast and hopeful through the rough times. You sound realistic in your evaluation of what’s taking place in your home right now; with such a good head on your shoulders you will know what to do if and when the time comes for decision making, and then you will have the peace of mind that comes with knowing that you have pulled out all the stops and given it your best shot, one way or another.

I noticed that you are an American living in Germany. Do you have any kind of a local support network there?

Sending you a big virtual hug,

Foundhervoice-atlast

foundhervoiceatlast, it's been great seeing more of you lately. I know this is off topic, but have you seen our Danita?

I have been getting emails from Danita regularily and she is in a bit of a funk. Never lasts long with her and is to be expected, she loved the man who broke her heart and shattered her dreams...She says she is developing a website too that she wants to link to her friends websites. I bet she'll pop up sooner than later, she is a winner and one of my best buds.

Foundhervoice-atlast, I would love to find a local support network near me, but no luck. Infact when looking for a marriage counselor, I had no choice since there is only one, and I live between two huge cities! I don't get it because in Germany, every third marriage ends in divorce.

Thanks for your hug and valuable advice. I just know your organization you are setting up will be a success. Best of luck to you, and hope to see more of you around here!

Hannelore

everie third marrage ending in divorces is the same statistick used over heer as well HL, and their is a lot of counsellers to choise from and a good few commited to marrige or relashionship councelling. I don't know how readilie they are used but by non religouse people as they are all linked to a religouse communitie in some sape or form, maybee it puts some people off and attracts others. One would imagine their be a lot more councelloers within either of the cities you live neer. I am glade that things have stabilised for you right now, the gchild might be a bonding distraction long enough for you both to become affectionate enough with each other in order to do or continue the counseeling and growing together process you were doing.

back to that question of foundhervoice at last and dealing with dependent children and ex's. "What observations/helpful advice do y'all have post-divorce for women who are dealing with uncooperative ex-spouses regarding dependent children? Have your views changed over time?"

in my experinces its a bleeding nightmare and those that say they care bout the child (emotional, mental, physical) wellfaire don't. I think its a disgrace and a big shame on the allegide adult in the cinario.

I onlie kn0w a few well maybee in truth onlie one couple that had anytype of positive relashionship/effect in relation to the kids. Just the one couple, they din't like eacjh other and weer hurt by the break-up but both put the kids wellfaire first.....please tell me i am unusule in onlie knowing one couple who have managed the above succesfullie??please!!

chatty, thanks. I need to email her. I'm running out of some of my Arbonne products!

Hi ladies,

My ears were ringing. LOL.

I pop in almost every day, to read what's going on - but don't have a ton to say.

My time is really being spent trying to figure out how to make my "send out cards" business - a business (v.s. a hobby)that will support me.

I'm doing pretty well, when you consider I was with the same man for 23 yeas of my 41 year life. All I've known is how to be a married woman.

I grieve the loss of "what I thought I had", and the destruction of my family.

My daughter is on her own at 18, trying to make sense of the world. My 16 year old boy is living in MD with a family who is homeschooling him.

As I write this I weep for the loss of my children. The loss of everything I knew for sure. My children were my life.

I went from being a happily married, homescooling mother of two children...to being a single woman with an empty nest.

It's been a huge change in a short amount of time.

I believe that the best years of my life are yet to come.

hugs to ya all!

Danita

Danita, what a strong lady you are. If all this was going on in my life I would have been in the forum wailing away at each transition.

23 years of marriage and the children all living elsewhere;…wow, that would throw anyone through a loop.

Danita someday your children will grow into adults, and it is then that they realize what you have done for them. Believe me…it takes awhile, but when it comes, it comes like a glowing falling star right into your lap.

I was so happy to read your last sentence, "I believe that the best years of my life are yet to come."… this belief and your business endeavours will bring you into a new exciting world, where you, and just you, are the star.

Here's sending you lots of hugs and truckloads of strength to carry you through this extremely trying time.
Hannelore

Danita....Hi! We're all here, many of us rowing the same boat.... Losing the kids is the hardest thing of all after so many years and a lifetime of mothering. Wishing you find your way in a brave new world. I'm rooting for all of us....

We never saw all of this coming, did we?

Thank you ladies -

The anchor holds.

danita

that was inspirational ladies reading the bits of this thread.

good to hear from ya again danitia it been a while since i read your stuff and i always enjoy seeing your name.

cheers, to your best years may they be filled with light of your owen happiness wearever you derive it from....thats to all your ladies.

Danita you are a real lady...and there aren't that many out there roaming around. You did everything right in your life and your children know that. They many be away now but I bet you are in their hearts and your guidance and spirit is strong in their constitution. All will work out fine and you're right the best is yet to come.

Danita, I''m sure those kids think of you more often than you realize. A mother's love runs deep. The day will come when they recognize this. It may very well be sooner rather than later. I have a feeling your empty nest may get feathered when you least expect it. Don't you feel blessed knowing your son is with a family who cares enough to take him in?

Dear celtic_flame,

I wish I could say that your statistical observations are off, but unfortunately I don’t think they are. I don’t know what the legal system is like in Ireland, but I can tell you that here - at least in Colorado - the system is not designed to put children first. I have interviewed women whose experiences with child advocates was an absolute nightmare and backfired on them. My own children complained that the court system effectively sidestepped them by not even asking them what their preferences were with regard to parenting time and they were young adults of 15 and 17 years of age at the time!

Foundhervoice-atlast

While it's important to hear the children's voice, I think it's best to do that ourside of the court room. I can't stand it when kids have to satnd trial for their parents divorce. I hope I haven't offended anyone. That's not my intent. I think there are better ways of handling the issue without dragging the kids through everything.

i also agree with ya dotsie i whish more of marrital splitt up's were handled without the need for courts, for the adults and the kids sakes.

seldom have i saw that, people get bitter hurt or just don't know what is fair so ask someone else to take that responcibilitie for them. Its sometimes worse if one partner is willing to play ball and the other isen't then theirs no choice but to go the court route.

It aint prettie for any one concered, the process is stressfull, expensive and harrasing. But at lest their is some type of system allbeit flawed that attempts to bring sometype of closure and fairness (even in its unfairness) to families even if they aint under the one roof or call themselfves families.

So no i not offended by your comment, i understand it and back it up to the hilt but still recognise that it aint always possible for a whole host of reasons.

Anyone want to comment on types of people or personalities or even circumstancies that has adults being fair and responcible child centrely behavide in thse circumstancies?

Its hard to keep your children from taking sides during these troubled times. My own sons wanted to ostracize their father/stepfather when we parted ways and I had a devil of a time not allowing that to happen. Before he passed away he was visiting both boy and they seemed to have made peace. He died suddenly and unexpecdedly and they had a clear conscience knowing they gave him respect no matter what they may have felt, of which I am glad.

celtic, I think it works best when the adults can put the children first.

chatty, how old were your boys when their did died? How sad.

OMGoodness...this forum is so sad...I read the entire thing and feel I need a walk in the sunshine to feel better. My heart goes out to everyone of you who have and is suffering through loss, divorce and unfair happenings in life. My prayers will be solely about you all tonight.

Hi founderhervoice

I've been MIA this summer and just found this thread. Too much traveling. But anyway...

I've been divorced about 10 years and had an 11 year old son still at home and experienced second hand some of his heartache.

I learned that the court system sucks big time. They don't care about children's well being but seem to treat kids as parental property. We had to attend "divorce classes" during which I heard all sorts of horror stories -- like when a woman had to allow her ex to have visitation when he was sleeping with different women every night and using drugs. If a spouse complains then sometimes the judge will take away custody just to be punitive.

What I gathered was that in Maryland a 12 year old can say who he wants to live with, and can also not be forced into visitation.

My son got in some trouble and I got him into counseling. At some point the counselor told my ex that he needed to pay more attention to his son. Then my ex wanted to fire the counselor because he felt blameless.

Hey DJ, welcome back. Tell us about your travels in Travel forum. I'd lvoe to hear. Did you ever read Eat, Pray, Love?