I agree that taking away the car keys can be a dramatic experience for everyone involved. The neuo doc who diagnosed Daddy with dementia said that it was her responsibility to tell the family that he was no longer capable of driving, and then it was OUR responsibility to take the keys away. She was also obligated to report this fact to the License Department of Motor Vehicle in our state. It was a law.

It was a very hard thing to do, and we found that doing so gradually, with suggestions (i.e., Daddy, why don't you ride with me today to Church?) and filling in the gaps with being available to give Daddy lifts here and there, was a lifesaver for us all, and especially, Mom. He didn't like it and was almost hostile about it at first, but the dementia progressed so rapaidly, that it was a mute point before long.

Pat---I love your cartoons on your web page. I can't wait to see your products. Way to go girl! I've bookmarked it for later.

JJ

Thanks, jawjaw. I've been to your site, too. Humor is a must, isn't it?

Oh and especially when we are caregivers. Without it, we would just be....givers.

JJ

Umm, do we have a thread about the woman/giving thing? That's a big one for me, and it's something I'm still working out for myself. What I'm working out is finding a balance between giving, in every way, to loved ones, and getting it back. Am I the only one? How do you retrain people to know that you now expect a better balance? This has been difficult, since I was raised to give, give, give, without expecting much in return. It's a subtle problem, but I think it's worth talking about.

Pat, as far as giving and receiving goes, I give without thinking about recieving in return. That way there are no disappointments. No expectations, no disappointments.

However, I think that if you are in a relationship, friendhsip, whichever, and you are always the giver, it's not much of a relationship. There needs to be some give and take.

Good topic because women are so often the givers.

Not that I think of this often, but the thought of not being able to jump in my car and come and go as I please frightens me. My heart aches for the elderly who can no longer so the same. they are the same pwople on the inside. they just continue to have more of their lives taken away. Very sad.

I hope to live in a small town should that happen. Then hopefully I will be able to walk wherever I need to go.

It's interesting that you mention moving to a small town, Dotsie. My small hometown is becoming populated more and more with elderly people, who move back after they retire.

I don't drive, anymore, and I live in a large city. Several of the grocery stores deliver, and I do most of my shopping on the internet now.

But I suppose that some of these people move back to enjoy the comfort of living where they grew up.

Your comments about giving helped me a lot. I had come to exactly the same conclusion - to give of myself nowadays because I get something out of it, without expecting anything in return. The change, for me, is that I've stopped giving when there is no give and take, and no pleasure in the giving. I guess it's just part of the beauty of middle age - more honesty. I would not trade middle age for anything. It's truly been the best time of my life, so far.

When I married David, my so called friends decided that all the effort and time he put into his well paid career should benefit them! Let's see...I'm trying to remember the amount of money I "loaned" to good friends. Right around 10,000! David says to not loan money but give it and not expect it back. I'm somewhat resentful. I'm a giving person and want to help others but one person paid me back with a bad check and never contacted me again. And, he was a minister. That really hurt.

I now give of my time and energy. Money is only fleeting anyway.

Dianne, I've been given the same advice about "lending" money. Don't lend unless you can afford to give.

And I don't blame you for being resentful. Some people will take advantage of their best friend. With friends like that you don't need enemies.

I still feel sorry for people like that. They are the ones who are going through life feeling miserable. Don't you think?

I write an elder care column and just had a driving question that ran last Sunday. A year ago, I found that AAA has a great interactive CD to help people test their driving skills. So I wrote on driving. Great response. So many people are affected.

This time, I found that our local hospital has a program where they do a physical and mental eval and then actually take them out to drive. They try to find an area that is close, in challeges, to the kind of driving the elder does. It's a great program, because it gives the elder and the caregiver something concrete to base their "drive or not drive" decision on.