Toni,
You say that you think that your parents might be depressed. Is there any way that you can get them to a doctor so that the condition can be diagnosed? Depression is a very treatable disease. Anti-depressants and talk therapy really do work. There's no reason for people to suffer when there is help available. Good luck!

Hey Misfire, first time I saw your name in our forum. Welcome newbie and I hope you will enjoy participating in this wildly funny and generous group of women. We have a reighning Queen, JJ and I guess I'd be the reighning bitch of the group, not by choice however just by personality...Anyhow, welcome new sister....

I'm with you Chatty, welcome Misfire. Do tell us a bit about yourself, won't you? You might want to go to the "WELCOME" post to do it, or here. Either one, doesn't matter. Misfire...hmm...I just got to know where you got that call name.

JJ

Hi Toni - sorry to hear your parents are going thru hard times. IMO, for what it's worth,the main reason people, of any age, shut down is because they feel their usefullness is, if not over, then coming to an end. People are made to do useful work, to uphold and support one another, to be wings for one another...to be the candle or the mirror. When we give up on our jobs we lose sight of our purpose.

People re-living "the good old days" are people who find it easier to do so than to get up and do something that requires physical energy.

Joni Erickson Tada said when she first broke her neck and was back home -she was in hospital for about 6 months- her favorite thing was to be in a darkened room, with the a.c. humming loudly, and relive the days B.A. - before accident-. It was her way of escaping her wheelchair situation and kept her from living her life in her here and now. She's written a good book, several, about her situation.

Depression feeds upon itself. If it's not physical depression, meaning there'sa a drop in seratonin levels, etc., but a depression brought on by "life" there are some things that, perhaps, help. The hard part is getting the person moving in the first place. My MIL sits all day and would stay in bed all day if we didn't keep after her. Our home is a battle ground most days. I just heard her bedroom door close which means she's gone back to bed. She just got up at 8 a.m., ate breakfast and is now going back to bed. She is a person who never learned how to entertain herself and wants to be constantly entertained...meaning we sit there and listen to her stories of 1913 to 1950. It drives me crazy because the women folk in my family have *always* been doers, keeping busy until end days, etc.

I digress but one more thing...being a caregiver is THE most thankless job in the world. Being a primary caregiver means no matter what you do, it's wrong. No matter what decision you make, it's wrong. No matter how or what you say, it's wrong.

BUT. No one wants to help out, they just want to tell you what you're doing wrong. Even worse, there's no where to go to get help. If you go to social svcs., they require access into your life, looking into cupboards, the laundry basket, etc. to "assess" if the older person is being cared for properly. Like a marriage counselor who has been divorced or never married. HUH?

Okay, back to your parents. Keeping in mind all I have to offer are opinions...

*they need to be engaged, meaning, they need to be involved in life...volunteer work, church work, some kind of work that will engage their minds.

*they need to get out of the house, several times a week

*they need a hobby or hobbies. if nothing else, would they go thru their photos and write on the backs the names of the people in the photo? that's a huge help for when they are gone and you're going, "does anyone know who these people are???" could they write about their parents/grandparents? write down the stories so they aren't lost to their grandchildren

*church small groups...people their own ages who are active and engaged in life...who can lend a listening ear, talk about similar life times, etc.

*for your mother - the Red Hat Society - a silly group but what's wrong with silly? we all need joy in our lives and it sounds as if some of the joy has gone out of the lives of your parent's.

*reading/tutoring to children at the library or school

*mall walking

*volunteering at schools, colleges, churches in language programs

*exercise program! this is one of the most important things...if they aren't exercising, they aren't getting enough oxygen to the brain...this leads to a lot of problems.

Best to you and them.

Thistle, great advice! We should save that list for the future. ANother thought is medication if they are no longer willing to go out and do. Sometimes the medication makes the blues disappear, allows lost energy to be found, and before you know it...a change in lifestyle. Just another thought.

Chatty, resident B**$#? I don't think so. You speak for the heart as others do.

Misfire, I'm so gald you've jumped in with both feel and are posting away. Welcome aboard. We hope you stay!

My father in law is 89 and under Hospice Care. My daughter needed to interview an older person for one of her classes so she asked him if he minded and he has just been thrilled to death. They've become like best friends and he's telling her stuff he's never told his grown children! He needed to be heard and he needed someone to show an interest in him and his past. Maybe something like this for your parents? He always looks forward to my daughter's visits.

My mom has been in a nursing home for almost a year now. She was super depressed when she went in there and literally starving herself to death. I okayed the doctor giving her an antidepressant where one of the side effects was increased hunger and weight gain. It worked and she went from 70 to 110 lbs.

Then she had surgery and has been stuck in bed for 3 months. The doctor probably would have kept her there indefinately but we, the family and nursing home staff, protested that she was giving up on life altogether and her skin healing properly was less urgent than keeping her spirits up. But when she was allowed to get out of bed, her muscles had weakened so much, she couldn't even stand, much less walk. I fought for physical therapy and finally got a doctor's order for that.

After a month of feeling hopeless that she would ever get back to her pre-surgery self, my mom is again walking to and from the dining room and even danced a polka (well supported by her staff partner) at the nursing home's Octoberfest.

With her, the things that make a difference are all the family and nursing home staff that pay so much attention to her, enthusiastically praise her for every improvement she makes, and compliment her constantly about how sweet and funny she is. She eats it all up and beams with how special and loved everyone makes her feel.

I'm learning to accept that she'll never get back to her pre-nursing home life and instead, appreciate the small moments of happiness and enjoyment that she does have.

Mary I beleive your post about your mom proves the fact that no matter what our age or situation, we ALL need recognition, companionship and most of all love from those around us....God Bless your mom...

Having been around a few nursing homes, I would say that depression is the norm rather than the exception. And it is not confined to the nursing home or even to the elderly though it seems to be more obvious in a facility and among that population. Older people who are at home and receive home health care are equally afflicted by loneliness. Perhaps to an even greater degree.

My own theory is that depression, especially as it affects older people, results from loneliness. This is such a lonely world, particularly for older people. Even their own bodies begin to desert them. Loneliness and depression complicate almost any disease and are more painful than any physical disorder.
Older people have spent their entire lives raising children to be independent and now they are and the parent, even if they are loved, may no longer be truly needed. Not being needed contributes to loneliness and destroys the security of older people who have been needed all their lives.

I have no solutions, but I have observed first hand the effects of attention and love. Love is the only power we have. It is what empowers us to pray.
smile

smile, love heals all wounds. I belive it. Loneliness is a huge wound in our world today. I'm afraid it may be in epidemic proportions in the next generations due to technology. Scary , isn't it?

People need people. Unfortunately, some of the people who need people the most aren't very lovable. It's a vicious cycle. It's easy to love people who are lovable. But as Christains we are to love EVERYONE, even those who are hard to love.

I've considered having a BWS Challenge each week. One of my first challenges would be for us to reach out to someone who we perceive as lonely.