Having watched my dad rule the roost because he had money and made no bones about it, I decided early on that I would be dependent on no man for anything. It made me really hard-hearted for a very long time.

I really wish it had been different in some ways -- that I could have stayed home, at least part time, with my kids and watched them grow. I missed so much of their childhood. And yet, we would have been in very dire straits if I'd not done what I did.

I think it's really good to have the discussion over and over with each other. What does money mean? Is it power? Who has it? Does the breadwinner appreciate the person staying at home? Or are they resentful? What happens in the case of divorce or death?

We tend to think that love will conquer all and forget that marriage is a contract as well as a commitment to love. Yet it's difficult to think broadly when you are starry-eyed or feeling needy.

Off the soap box! :-))

I believe that some women are so soured on men and relationships after a bad marriage, that staying in the marriage just for financial support works. As long as the two can exist in the same space without fighting or bothering one another and the children have both parents, it can work....
Is it healthy? Now thats another story, I think not.
This situation like so many others is completely governed by whats right for that person. It may not be right for someone else, but who are we to judge?

I also am recovering from the fallout of divorce. In my case my husband hid behind his lawyer for 2 yrs. (I went without any of his fianancial support yet was left to shoulder every debt we had both created during that time.) At the end of 2 yrs when I went to court there was nothing the judge could offer me since he was going to be sentenced in Federal Court the following week. I got nothing. And even though the court knew he was causing delay after delay, they did nothing to force him into court earlier to help with our finances.

I think, just my opinion, that we still lay too much value on a man and their ability to care for us. I know in my case it never ocured to me to keep some money seperated in my name only as an 'in case'. Any time I got a small windfall I added it to the family account. I was helping, I was contributing to the family--or so I thought.

I understand the FEAR in a woman to stay for financial reasons but I think the loss to her self-esteem and self worth, not to mention the quality of life has to be a very high price indeed. One that may not be measurable until much later--and too late to change anything.

I am saddened to see women making the same mistakes all over again out of FEAR. Rushing into new relationships just so there's someone to take care of them. We need to teach our daughters that it's OK to live without a man if necessary and that it's OK to be independant if that's their choice.

Starting Over, Yes! When we move beyond needing a man we make our lives richer. Ironically, it makes our relationships richer if we ever do decide to have another man in our lives.

chatty, I think you hit the nail on the head. It's not what others want, it's what the person chooses even though it may very well not be the healthiest choice for all involved. Sometimes we want for others what they don't want for themselves. Know what I mean?

Starting over, I agree that fear has so much to do with it.

Casey,I love the questions you asked in your post dated April 6th. Money is a huge issue in marriages. It's one that should be discussed over and over again before taking the plunge.

Unfortunately, sometimes the most generous "suitor" becomes the stingiest kurmugion 'after' the marriage...Whats yours is his, and whats his is his!! Get the picture?

and thus...the prenuptual agreement...

Good point ladies.

I chose to be Legally Separated from my husband of 41 years because I need medical insurance.
But, I'm lucky.
We get along great now that we haven't lived with each other for almost a year.