We have all the chance here to forge friendships.
I want to ask how you have handled friendships which have "died" I have an issue with one friendship where I feel taken over.This started quietly...it is an email/snail mail friendship of many years (we have met and shared holiays) are of similar age.This is a gradual thing.It saddens me but I am insightful that this friend has issues.
I keep upbeat and open she is contacting me often at present but if she were local I would call and discuss my feelings.
Mountain Ash

Mountain,
I have no real advice but offer a suggestion. If you value this friendship, it might be best to confront the issue before you become too resentful to save the relationship.

TVC15
just sharing my dilema was insightful to me I value all relationships and learn from them all.My issue is where
I am not "heard" but discounted.I have to say things three times and then maybe I am answered.But to be dismissed.
EG. last autumn I requested that we reassessed exchanging gifts.For several reasons.We are now both retired.I have started to support a local hospital and wished to gift money for Christmas use to the childrens ward.The cost of posting is enormous.Mosty I have decluttered and have a non material attitude to belongings.This was ignored .other issues of a more sensitive nature have started.One...where a quote was send by email.I asked her to define the content feeling it went on my "hallowed ground" She seems unaware of bounderies.I have pondered if she is unwell .
Thank you for your reply..
Mountain ash

Mountain, if you are wondering if she is unwell, have you asked her? Also, have you shared that you feel unheard? I'm not suggesting this if you think she needs you right now, but is there a way to step away from the relationship for a bit. Maybe, just take a little break? If so, she may ask you why and then you could tell her...

This is just off the top of my head. I'll think some more.

Dotsie
stepping back is the option I would select.This is easy she is not from the UK.I suggest I say I am too busy to email for a while. I will never hurt her but need to care for myself just now.I a aware of the part I am in this..but honour bound I come from an authentic stance.
Dotsie..your site is a source of support.Thank you.
Mountain ash

Mountain,
Feeling dismissed or discounted is probably one of the worst feelings. Dotsie may be right. Taking a step back may force her to confront you, and then maybe she will listen to you when you speak your mind. I do realize that there are some people who will never listen though, and she may be one of those.
Your hospital support is wonderful. Keep up the good work.

Mountain, One of the most difficult things I've had to deal with in the past few years is the losing of people I thought were good friends. I went through a major breakdown - grief, depression, chronic fatigue - that lasted for several years. Coming through that forced me to strip away a lot of mental/emotional/mangled thinking - I think I "grew up" in that fight for my life, but many of my friends didn't stick around long enough, or couldn't grow with me, or couldn't accept the changes. I don't blame them, but the end result is that I lost pretty much all but two of my former friends. I regret losing them, but without genuine, authentic reciprocation, which in hindsight was never really there anyway (like you, I had long felt dismissed, discounted and definitely unlistened to), those friendships were keeping me "in my place" more than giving me the wings to be who I needed and was meant to be. HERE is where I've found more wings and encouragement than in any of those former friends.

Anyway, a long-winded way to say "be true to yourself". Your heart knows whether or not this friend is where and who you want to be with these days...there's nothing wrong with recognizing that it no longer works.

Have you considered that it's more than her not being well but just selfish? I had a friend like that and I just stopped communicating. It was too exhausting. She didn't want to talk to me but at me. Never heard anything I really said.

Just a thought

Friendships should be uplifting, not exhausting. Unreciprocated friendships are just not worth the effort. No one should ever feel dismissed by a friend. If you are feeling that way, perhaps she is not really a friend.

I admire Scott Peck.His work on group work tells of the patterns of relationship.In amongst groups there is chaos.Etc. As a counsellor I have academics backup at my fingertips BUT the realisation (there is an ongoing saga)tells me I have to step back.Its sad..like a little death.For my own peace of mind I will tackle this soon.
I have learned so much from this experience.
Mountain ash

Mountain, I understand being dismissed, thus I simply allowed a working relationship/friendship dissipate. This 'friend's' mother is ill and needed assistance, although that is not a position I've yet encountered, I did offer my help. Before several others, this 'friend' very rudely said "What could YOUUUU ever do to help, you know nothing!" Where I offered I could help with things I do know, those being, cleaning, yard work, and driving (to stores or running errands). I thought these would help. I wanted to help alleviate some of the burden of taking care of an elder. She did not find these suggestions helpful. So I simply remain cordial. Sometimes thats all we can do, step back and turn our attentions elsewhere.

Mountain, I have been in the place where you are. It took a long time for me to realize that friendships change through nobody's fault. I finally understood that if the friendship was draining me, then it wasn't worth keeping up. I can't begin to count the number of friendships over the years that have faded away. When I look back on those, there was always a new person coming into my life to replace those who dropped out. I think that friendships are to serve a purpose, and when that purpose is served, there is no need for that particular friendship. People are in our lives for a reason, and we don't always know what that reason is. I am blessed in that I have good friends, but who knows how long they will be in my life? I enjoy them while they're here.

I met my DH when I was 13. Because we have needed few friends outside of our relationship, I've not since pursued the "girlfriend" thing. Whenever I've needed a woman's ear, I've always turned to my sisters (I have 5, plus sister-n-laws, so there is no shortage). Now, when I need another female to bounce thoughts off of, I talk with our girls, who sometimes blow me away with their maturity. So, I've never really had the need for girlfriends, per se. But, every so often, I long to have a "best friend" from the girl department (my DH fills the need from the guy department, as well as do my 2 brothers). I do occasionally envy women who claim to hold friendships for decades.
I guess I'm coming around to telling you that I have no idea as to what you might do. My head tells me to cut the ties, for a one-sided friendship is no true friendship at all.

What I am seing here...where we are all making friendships and links is authentic strong advice.From all aspects.This topic is painful where we are all seking an ear.and somegood company. I must in some way have allowed this inbalance to happen.Maybe out of polite good manners.I have examined myself and feel wiser.I am not the person I was at the start of our relationship .In fact when I had the magic birthday lasy year I pledged to use my days wisely.Yje energy spent on this could have been used to better purpose.
In my heart I know what I will do...wish me strenghth to do so.
Mountain ash

Wishing you the strength you need and the wisdom to deal with whatever decision you have made.
I think you are correct when you say you have changed since the time you formed the friendship you refer to. You seem to be seeing things more clearly. I like what you said about energy that could have been used to better purpose. That sounded very insightful. Good luck.

Mountain Ash, I had a similar situation. A very good friend of mine developed a dominant controlling personality. I ended the friendship, and felt like a huge weight fell off my shoulders.

There is some truth in that saying; "The Older the Wiser"… I think one of the wise things we develop as we get older is to stop investing time on things or people that make us unhappy.

I have read all of the interesting posts to Mountain Ash's friendship situation. I hope you don't mind if I throw in my $.02.

I believe people come in and out of our lives at various times for a reason. It's like a train ride. You're the conductor and you pick up passengers along the way. Some passengers should've NEVER BOARDED...others stay on TOO LONG...others NEVER GET ON BOARD when they should. Then you have some who get on and get off at the appointed time.

I say all of this to you to say, when you were "hanging out" and having a good time, it served a purpose---but as with most things in this life, we learn from it and we, hopefully, grow in the process....and sometimes, we just have to move on.

Ask God for direction. He'll reveal what you need to know.

Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
http://www.talk2bev.com
“We are Strong…We are Invincible…We are Baby Boomers!”
Live to be DRAMA FREE Seminars coming Soon!

Mountain all the advce given is helpful in one way or another especially what Bamgibbs writes...interesting!!!

I recently had a falling out with someone who I thought was a friend for life. Someone I shared special feelings with but noticed little by little, she was not listenting to what I was saying, she began interperating in her mind what she wanted to hear. One day apparently in a hateful mood she attacked, what hate spewed from within her, I was shocked. I decided rather than retaliate, I would back away, say nothing and see what would happen. Strange but I felt relieved, liberated even and I actually removed her name from all my address books etc. I was content to live my life without her. Life is too dam short and stressful to allow anyone to make it worse instead of better...

If you don't want to do anything final. Write her that you are having computer problems and may be offline awhile until you can afford to get the problem repaired. This way you can still receive her emails without having to reply and see how you feel without her in your life....

Maybe you will get some insight as to her problem, but remember some people change and not for the better. As far as friends go, you either accept everything they have to offer (good and bad) or not! It's up to you, free country and all that....Good luck!