Things here have been quite tough since the last time I posted a few weeks ago. The worst of it is seeing what it is doing to my children. My oldest son had a breakdown the other night, and I had to call his therapist's emergency service. I was afraid he would need to be sedated or even hospitalized.

He had spent the entire day skiing alone with his dad, and I came by later in the evening to drop off his younger brother (who does not like to spend time with his father and had refused to go along with them) in order to comply with our temporary parenting time schedule. They usually spend two weeks with me and 4 or 5 days with their dad. The older boy sometimes spends part of that time at his dad's house without his brother because the younger one does not feel comfortable there and is not as easily manipulated by his father's "charms". Both kids have had a hard time transitioning between the two houses ever since the separation began. These days they are both torn between what they found out about their dad (that he has been carrying on with a married woman for years,that he systematically defrauded the family financially, lied to them for years about any number of things and finally had refused to go to counseling to try to salvage our marriage and save the family) and the fact that they still crave their father's love. It is not an easy thing for them to reconcile, especially as teenagers who need a male role model. Their father never gave them the time of day while they were growing up, and now that he is finally giving them some attention the boys are torn between the gaping deficit in their heart and their disgust for their dad's behavior. Dad has been playing the older boy like a violin and putting all kinds of pressure on him, because the parenting arrangements are going to be set very soon, and he knows that the psychologists are going to testify based on what my children's wishes are. That translates directly into $$$$ for him, money that he does not want to pay in child support and won't have to if he can convince the boys to rethink things and stay with him at least 50% of the time. My youngest son seems to be having an easier time of it because he has a very troublesome history with his father and tells me that he has no illusions about who his father is and that he has no intention of succumbing to bribery and manipulation. I hope that for his sake he can remain strong and take out of the relationship with his dad whatever he needs in order to be whole and feel good about himself. But he is feeling guilty about his big brother's breakdown, mainly because his brother called him up when he returned from skiing and pestered him about coming over to join him at his dad's house and he refused; he thinks that maybe if they had been together his brother might not have fallen apart. Anyway, as I was saying, I brought the younger boy over to join his brother later in the evening and my older son came out towards the car when he saw me pull up with his brother - I thought it was to say hi to me - but instead to my horror he started lashing out at me, SO angry, screaming about things that for the most part made no sense at all. I tried to calm him down and suggested he get into my parked car so we could talk privately. He got in and started yelling and crying that we have messed up his life and now he was going to take back control and do whatever he wants...that he was going to start dictating terms to us and that if we didn't let him do whatever he wants without being accountable he would just leave. I tried to diffuse things and then meekly told him that I had recently adopted US policy and would not negotiate with terrorists and I thought I saw him crack a smile for a nanosecond, but then he got distraught again and said that he cannot trust either one of us, screaming that his dad is a liar and he cannot believe a single word that comes out of his mouth, and then he turned on me and told me that I was trying to make him go crazy and make him think that his memory is failing.(He has been forgetful lately...I'm sure it is due to the stress he is under) He cried violently and when I tried to reach out to comfort him he screamed for me to get away from him and leave him alone. I asked if he would like a minute by himself, and he cradled his head down into his hands and nodded yes. I took the car keys and immediately ran up to his dad's front door and rang the doorbell...I asked him what the heck had gone on between the two of them to make our son so upset, and my soon-2-b-x said he didn't know but for some reason he immediately started apologizing to me and saying it was all his fault and that he is so sorry and he'll do better in the future. He kept saying it over and over again. I asked if they had had a fight but he denied it, saying instead that they had had an "intense" discussion. My son has refused to answer my questions and I still don't know what happened, two days later.

Anyway, we went back outside and my ex approached the car. My son locked the door from the inside and dialed up a friend on his cellphone. He asked to be picked up so that he "would not have to look at either one of his parents". This friend is a good kid and luckily, the son of one of my close girlfriends, and the dad is a good man and a doctor. I called the parents up right away and they both reassured me that they would not let the boys out of their sight and would take care of my son for as long as he wanted to stay with them. I called their house again a short time later to talk to my boy and make sure he was alright, but his dad had already beaten me to it and had made arrangements to take him back to his house. When I did speak to my son he told me that it seemed easier to just go with his dad now and that he would see me tomorrow.

I was able to arrange for a session with his psychologist for the very next day, and his dad and I joined in for the last 20 minutes or so. My son seemed considerably calmer by then. His father, however was clearly uncomfortable, sat with his arms crossed stiffly on his chest and his lips tersely pursed, and he did not open his mouth to comment or contribute even once during the session. My son returned home with his father. But later that evening he came by unexpectedly to sit with me and chat, and then this morning I was startled awake by a kiss on the cheek: he came by on his bike, let himself in to the house and woke me up to kiss me on his way to school. Oh, God. Please give me strength.

Tomorrow morning is yet another status conference with the judge. I know that this can't go on forever, but I don't know how to do this anymore. A part of me feels like cutting out my heart to eliminate the pain of seeing what my children are going through. I devoted 17 years of my life to my boys, I kept them happy and secure in spite of a cold, unfeeling and uninvolved father, only to see them go through this now...It just breaks my heart...

What will happen to my kids?

Foundhervoice-atlast

Foundhervoice, My heart is very sad for what you and your boys are going through now. It sounds to me like your x crossed the line with your older son and he wasn't going to accept whatever his dad was saying. His eyes were probably opened to the "real dad" and that must have broken his heart. At the same time he needs his dad and is finally getting some attention from him. No consolation to you, I'm sure.

These sociopaths want it all don't they? They want to be crooked, cheat their own families emotionally and financially and expect the kids to respect them. Well, they may seem to respect them, but eventually it will explode in their faces.

I know this is hard to believe, but in 1 year, you and your boys will be more settled and whatever the outcome, you will find a way to make it work. Your boys will heal from this because they have a mother who really loves them in a healthy way.

I'm praying for your status conference and for a good resolution.

Daisygirl

[ April 12, 2006, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Daisygirl ]

foundhervoiceatlast, your post brought me to tears a couple times. I can tell the burning passion you have for those two boys of yours and it makes me sick that all of you have to go through this due to the selfishness of one person.

You are doing an excellent job of trying to find that balance for them and yourself. You are smart to get him the help he needs by speaking to someone outside the situation. Do you have someone to speak with?

I have total confidence in you. Your head is screwed on tight and you will continue to do what is best for your boys. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Relish in the fact that sonny boy came to you by bike in the morning. That's a dear thing for any teenage boy to do. He loves you and he knows you love him. That means so much!

Thank you both for your kind and reassuring words of confidence in me. I appreciate them more than you can ever know.

This has been a difficult week. My oldest son somehow coped well enough to go through the motions of attending school all week but he is pale, withdrawn, anxious and uncommunicative. He seems very fragile to me and I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him, afraid to say something that will trigger another outburst and send him spiraling out of control. My ex's extended family is in from all four corners of the earth for a holiday reunion this week, and according to both of my kids everybody acted as if I had been erased from the family records or never even existed. How weird was that for them, that nobody even asked about their mother? Especially since I was the glue that held my ex and his family together, always calling everyone weekly in order to stay in touch, never forgetting a birthday or special occassion since he wouldn't make the effort...Both my kids told me that their grandfather (on their father's side of course) has been consistently ignoring my older boy and rudely turned away from him mid-sentence several times when he tried to engage him in conversation.This was, as you can imagine, very hurtful to him, and although it was nothing I haven't experienced first-hand before, I was very surprised that he would take out his displaced anger(?) on his grandson. He even made an announcement at dinner, saying something to the effect that the two remaining spouses of his children (the other 3 are all divorced now too) were going to be treated from now on like "real sons and daughters" since they had proven their loyalty to him (whatever that means!)Boy! were my kids were incensed! I told them that I was sure it wasn't anything personal...that grandpa is just getting older and a little crotchety, but I don't think either one of them believed me. I can't help but wonder what my ex told his parents that has made them both so angry. I'm sure they don't know that it was their son who filed for divorce, refused to go to counseling, and had been unfaithful to me. But then again, blood is thicker than water, so who knows?

The status conference was a bust: my ex's attorney lied through his teeth to the judge and did everything in his power to further incite his client against me and delay a resolution once more, and it worked all too well. By adding fuel to the already raging fire he got my ex so incensed that he now wants to forget about working out a solution and instead have a formal trial. The only person who will profit here is his attorney, who by now must be able to send both of his kids and his wife to Europe for the next 3 summers in a row. This will not turn out well for either one of us because the judge has a horrible reputation of doing things for shock effect and is sure to come up with something that neither one of us will like.

I took the initiative and contacted my ex directly in an effort to make him see how manipulative his attorney was being. When he calmed down enough to listen and we were finally able to talk, I learned that his attorney never gave him the last three compromise-offers we issued, and has been feeding him all kinds of lies about what my lawyer has been requesting. Similarly, it turns out that his lawyer never gave us the details of what my ex was offering us. This is outrageously unethical behavior and I suspect it could be grounds for a malpractice suit. In any case, I have agreed to have my attorney write up our most recent proposal and told him that I will give it to him directly instead of relying on his lawyer to deliver the letter. But who knows what is really going on here? How can you ever trust a word a sociopath says? How do I know I am not being played now, too?

Have any of you been through anything like this? If so, how did you keep your sanity, and after all was said and done, were you able to trust any man ever again?

Foundhervoice-atlast

Foundhervoice, my x and I had a dissalutionment(sp?) with a good and decent attorney so I didn't have those problems.

I did experience my x trying to put the blame on me with his family, but it didn't work because his brother worked at the same airline and knew that he was having an affair with a coo-worker. He tried to do the same with our son. If you look closely at the family dynamice, you will find some dysfunction that would explain why they are all denying reality. Deep down they KNOW - and I bet they are embarrassed, humiliated and hurt by your x's actions.

I remember when I divorced my x, my own mother would say thing's like, "oh, poor Larry" and didn't want me to divorce him. She would've rather I be with a cheating husband than get a divorce. That's how some older people think, especially men. Maybe his father cheated on his mother at some point and is sympathetic.

As for keeping your sanity, just take it one day at a time and know that you will come out on the other side stronger, wiser and will be happy again. I do find it difficult to trust men and seem to attract the sociopaths. You just have to take the time to know a person before you get yourself all worked up over them. That's the healthy way to develop new relationships, but the bad ones will try to make you think there's something wrong with you if you don't hop in the sack right away. They want to do the wild thing BEFORE you find out how bad they are. Run from those.

Daisygirl

[ April 15, 2006, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Daisygirl ]

Wow.
What you are experiencing just confirms my belief that the legal system causes as many problems as it resolves. While I didn't have legal problems with my ex-, I've been in enough courts with my son to have some experience. The following are my thoughts (not legal advice) -- take what you like and leave the rest.

I believe in truth and in stating the truth. Therefore, I believe your attorney needs to file something in writing that says your ex has stated that he has no knowledge of the compromises you have offered. That should flush out the liar between the two. It will at least get the focus where it belongs.

See if you can get your lawyer to change judges. It's possible, I think. And I have found it makes all the difference in the world.

Dotsie is right. You need support. I got through my divorce (and it wasn't nearly this traumatic) with help from friends. It took a while. I took a lot of time working on myself before I seriously looked at another man. Good ones are out there, but it takes a while to find them and we have to be whole people, totally willing and happy to live on our own for the rest of our lives if need be. Then we are whole enough to attract a man who is whole enough to deserve us.

I've been married almost three years to the most wonderful man in the world for me.

HUGS Take care of yourself. And your boys. They will be o.k. eventually. It's tough now, but what they need most is to see you reach out for help from others. That way, they know that that's o.k. You sound like you are doing so very well by them.

Your in our prayers.

Dearest Found your voice (can I call you something shorter, like FYV??). I am so sad to hear about your heartache. There seems so much for kids to cope with these days, they dont need to be caught up in relationship games. I have not been where you are, but my kids still have issues. So I just wanted to say be careful not to be hard on yourself, kids might have had problems anyway, in the most normal of families kids can get caught up with problems so be kind to yourself. thanks for sharing and good luck

Dear Foundhervoice-atlast, After reading your story, the first thought that came to mind is what a good mother you are. I quote:
"I tried to diffuse things and then meekly told him that I had recently adopted US policy and would not negotiate with terrorists."

How cool is that response! Applause. I don't think I would have been so smart in the same situation.

From what you've written I think you are handling everything just right. No matter how the judge decides, I believe you have done and given your very best, and that is all what counts. Obviously you son sees it that way too, otherwise he could not give his Mom a kiss.

It's good that you have found your voice, and that you are venting. That's the best kind of therapy for you too. Don't forget to take care of yourself in this mess. I have found that in the long run always the calm and collected win. Your children have already won, in having you as their mother.
Hannelore

I have been through years of court conflict, back and forth, child support issues etc. After all these years I've learned alot, especially what not to do. Your children are teens, right? It's really up to them who they want to live with. They shouldn't have to choose based on what has happened in their parents relationship. They are also old enough to see if your soon to be ex is being manipulative. I would just try to be supportive and no matter how much it hurts it's important to let them make up their own minds. They will make the right decision, and if they don't it will be a learning experience for them and will help them to move on. I too devoted my entire married life to my children. My ex was always away or too busy. He also had many affairs and spent our money on other women. This is not something I have told my children as it is not really their business and will only hurt them and make them feel torn. I have three children and since they were 10 I let them decide when they want to see their Dad and I stayed out of it. I know it hurts to see his side of the family cut you out but that is the result of divorce. They can't invite you anymore as you are getting divorced. I remember going through that and having to put up with my kids going to their grandparents on holidays with their Dad and his new girlfriend. It hurt that I was left out but there was nothing I could do about it and it was important for my kids to move on too. I just went out and made some new friends and got on with my new reality. It all takes time though and you will feel better soon. I am great friends with my ex in-laws now. They invite me to dinner on holidays. I also have them at my home. They just invite me and my kids over at different times and my ex and his live-in girlfriend over at other times. It works out well now but it took time to get to this place. It is really important for kids to have two parents. They love their Dad no matter what he did (to you) and they always will. They can't think of him as the bad guy as that causes them great distress and they don't need this on top of everything else. I think they feel torn because they have too much information about your personal issues. They shouldn't have to take sides. It really is not there business that your husband had an affair. Your relationship issues should not be taken on by them and will only cause them turmoil. It's so important to put our kids first when it comes to divorce. Their entire life has been turned upside down and they don't need to take on their parents problems on top of everything. That is not fair to them.
I'm not trying to sound harsh and believe me I know what you are going through and it is unjust and heartbreaking. I moved on by meeting up with other newly divorced Mom's and vented to them instead of my kids. I took my kids to a "caught in the middle" program for kids of divorce and also took my eldest to counselling as he needed it. I wish you well, you will get through this but you have to let go of the anger towards your ex and what he has done to you as it only backfires on you. Forgiveness sets you free. You don't have to forget. As for other men and trusting them this takes time too. I spent at least 5 years disliking men and not trusting any of them. But I have sons, and so do you and they are men, interesting isn't it. You will meet a man that is worthy that you can trust but now is not the time for that. Do whatever you can to move on. This will also benefit your children as they will see you happy again and they won't have to worry about you which will make them feel more content in themselves.
Hope this helps.
Kate

My parents divorced when I was seven. My Mum did not ever confide anything in me. this was as bad as confiding too much. Kids need to know something, but not everything. I am interested in the view that kids be able to choose where to live. I wonder if that piles too much guilt on to the kids?? I know that I would have felt awful for the other parent if I had to choose to live with one. As it was, I did not have to make that choice and that sat well with my seven year old mind. My brother left to live with my Dad for his teenage years, when my Mum was findng his behaviour uncontrolable. It did my brother good. My brother came back to live with my mum from about 20 until he was killed at 22. So it was good really for all concerned - I suppose I am trying to say that it will work out in the end, as Kate says, you will all eventually move on and it will be OK.