Searcher, you must still be exhausted. Are you? I can't imagine your life change since lsoing Nichole. Are you taking care of you? It must be hard since your focus for so many years was her. May blessings fall all over you!

new attitude, I like you attitude adjustment. You're one smart cookie.

Dotsie,

I am truly exhausted. I truly am. I really kept up the "strong lady" front for so many years - no other choice actually; that outwardly, I became her. Sort of "fake it til you make it!" . And the constant confrontations with a school system who didn't "get it" along with doctors who were not specialists in her area and who thought they were -- took their toll. Nichole's tumor was (and still is)exceedingly rare and left so many complications that it was overwhelming for the medical people and school systems...They just had no reference point. Well, neither did I, but I grew with it, as the years went by. When I look back (and when I read the posts made by others with this same tumor on a craniopharyngioma site), I can't believe we did what we did....It only could have been by the Blessing of Harietta. And then to have Sam turn out so well -- it brings tears to my eyes.

I am having some angry moments these days - anger that necessarily needed to be suppressed in those years (no time for that!) but that I will have to deal with now. Along with the nearly insurmountable frustrations we faced daily. Not to mention losing her bit by bit for over 28 years.....and then to see her coming out of it at the last, only to have her leave us. You know, I've always said I could do absolutely anything for a period of time, but day after day for 28 years, is really too much to ask of her or us!!!

So, anyway, as you can guess, I could go on for 3 days and never get all this out...But I believe that after I deal with these issues, I will bounce (ok, maybe I won't be bouncing at 59) back. I feel weak as Boa Kitty right now, (now THERE'S a whiner! and never was there more of a scaredy cat)but he's getting better after almost 5 years now, and so will I. Deep down, I believe that Sam and I have become as strong as we pretended to be....

To maybe help anyone else with medically fragile children - I was never one to overprotect Nichole - she and I felt as tho quality was better than quantity - and I have never regretted this for one minute.. She lived her life as fully as possible under the constraints she had....(and may I say, more completely than her father or his family!).

It will take more time for me to become "focused" again - but I'm beginning to emerge - there have been "stirrings" of what I was like before this tragedy. And if I can get another 10 years of being "me" again, I'll be satisfied. (tho , I'm sure that in that 10th year, I'll be wishing I had more LOL).

Thanks for listening to my tyrades, gals, but there's more to come, I'm sure.

Searcher

I didn't intend to make this about me, but there you are!!!! So I apologize Foundhervoice and New Attitude !

So now that i've whined, just ignore me and continue on.......

Searcher

O and ONE more thing! It's not the divorce, I regret, but marriage to the wrong person in the first place. Had I to do it all over, I would make sure that the man I married was worthy of me...a loooong engagement. And I most certainly regret not making sure that we were taken care of financially. Don't sell your soul for this, but at least rent it out!

Wow, Searcher. I am so sorry for your loss, on so many levels. I have only a very small inkling of what you must have and still are - on some level - going through. My youngest was quite ill until recently, with a number of serious health issues and complications that started at birth. It took 13 years of raw determination and non-stop research for me to figure out why he was having these problems, with no help, interest or even emotional support from the soon-2-b-x. In fact, I blamed myself for his illness at one point because I had been so utterly miserable throughout my pregnancy that I was convinced that it was my unhappy feelings that had made my baby so sick. Not only was the ex not excited about having another child: he never attended even one ultrasound, and made it pretty clear to me that he could have done without baby #2 (and I had impregnated myself, I assume?). He also had little or no interest in baby #1 as soon as he figured out that his birth had caused him to at least temporarily lose his sex kitten to new motherhood. He outright regretted the birth of the second child once he found out that he was less than physically perfect and would be demanding even more of my time than the first child.

The short version of the story is that at almost 40 years of age I became (for all practical purposes) a single parent to two children under the age of 21 months, one who was chronically ill, eventually needed home nursing care and whom I had to resuscitate twice within a few short weeks of his birth; the other an adorable 21 month old toddler who became depressed because of the decrease in attention from his stressed out, sleep deprived and exhausted mother. And if you've never seen a clinically depressed toddler you have at least one new reason to count your blessings. It was a real heartbreaker. I think that it was at that point that I fell out of love with my husband. He had no compassion, no empathy, and absolutely no interest in spending any time with his children or me (unless it involved having sex). Why did I stay in the marriage? Well, for one thing I took my vows very seriously, and believed that with enough love and patience we could lick this thing and get past his insecurities and his selfishness. For another, he was always travelling on business and I had my hands full with my two children: under the circumstances, a critically ill child trumped marital misery every time. It was only 4 years ago that I came upon a clue as to what my son's illness was, and then I was able to find a specialist who knew how to deal with it. If you were to look at my strong, beautiful child now, you would never suspect how close I came to losing him only a few short years ago.

He, unfortunately, retains the painful memory of the horrible clashes he had with his dad during the course of the illness, since his father was in denial about his medical condition and chose to see him as weak of character and not physically ill at all. The fights that they had where his father would drag him out of bed in an attempt to force him to attend school even though the child could barely stand were at times more than I could bear. I physically intervened and always acted as a buffer for my son at great personal cost and it took its toll on me for sure, but I have no regrets whatsoever. I adore my children and am grateful for having been blessed with them. I forced our family to relocate to a climate that posed a lesser threat to my youngest's health a few years ago, and this allowed him the time he needed to heal and grow. He is left with a minor heart defect and a little residual asthma these days but is otherwise a healthy young man. He is even making up for the stagnation in his growth (which was due to the large quantities of medication he had been on for years) and he grew 5 inches and put on 15 pounds in the last year alone. You would never know - to look at him - what a sick little boy he had been.

It was only recently that a therapist talked to me about sociopathy/psychopathy, and showed me several books and articles on the subject (and they all had pictures of my husband right next to the title, imagine that! - just joking!), and it was then that I realized that my soon-2-b-x was not just a meanie...he was really mentally and emotionally deficient. It was this piece of information that gave me permission to forgive myself for what I had thought were my terrible inadequacies that must have driven him away from me. Now I realize that a healthy, loving spouse would have joined forces with me and participated in trying to help his child overcome illness - instead of turning against everyone and resenting his own child for being sick and complicating his life. When I see the disappoinment in my kids' eyes as they vent about their dad it makes me very sad that this is the father I provided for them, but then I tell myself that whatever good was ever in him was surely passed along to them, and I am grateful that they show no sign of his emotional dysfunction (which would have been evident by now, according to my therapist).

So, after going through all of this, I cannot roll over and die just because my husband does not feel any obligation to take financial care of me or the children until I can get my feet back on the ground. At the age of 53 I find myself back out on both the job and the singles market. While I am excited about establishing my new life as a wage earner (although I still don't know exactly what it is I will do), I am definitely not excited about nor looking for new male companionship. I guess I have lost confidence in my ability to judge character after what I've been through, and every man is now suspect to me, at least for the time being. I don't know how to make sure that a new man would be - as you put it, Searcher, worthy of me. So I figure I had best steer clear until I can figure it out and avoid making another mistake...

I apologize for the length of this post. I have a status meeting with the court tomorrow, and I guess I just needed to vent and get things clear in my own mind. Thank you all for your support and patience. Please send those good thoughts my way...

Foundhervoice-atlast

Again, its so good to know that what I'm feeling is normal and legitimate. I'm sorry for your loss Searcher but you made me think about something I hadn't considered. I was not concerned about child suppport because frankly why fight for something I know I'm not going to see anyway. Right now I know I can adequately provide for my kids but if something were to happen I need to be prepared; I've had my attorney amend the request for child support. Emotionally, I was the most worried about my teen daughter because she exhibits many of her father's traits and I didn't want her to realize that he has mental problems and wonder if its hereditary. Then I overheard (ok eavesdropped) on a conversation she was having with her friends. She's one smart cookie and knows alot more about what's going on then I've given her credit for. It seems that my genes will prevail.

Foundhervoice, I too was worried about being alone for the rest of my life because of course I too like male companionship. I'm trying to remember that relationships are varied and optional. (from boy-toys to friends-with-benefits to monogamy). Once I close this relationship I'll concentrate on me and then see what's out there. Part of the 2BX mind game is to make us believe that we aren't worthy to be loved and that we were fortunate they even bothered with us.

Word is already out that I'm about to be on the market and I'm already getting offers. At first I thought that my loser male radar was malfunctioning, afterall why would I have married the 2BX? But then I remember 20 years ago when we first met; we were engaged for over 2 years because I wanted to "be sure". I think that the problem was when you're in a new relationship you meet 'the representative'-the person who will do or say anything to close the deal. We were young, didn't start out with alot and we had some differences so we had discussed and planned on what we both would do and expect from each other. Our problem-I upheld my end but all of his was just talk. It's sad that after 15 years nothing he planned ever developed and he had the opportunity and potential. Somewhere along the line it developed into a competition and maybe he felt that he couldn't keep up with me. I thought we were working together for our family. Eventually he stopped trying altogether because he knew I would pick up the pieces. So even time and planning doesn't guarantee a successful relationship.

Well my court date is in a week so enough with my melancholy.

Thanks ladies for the support and posts!