It's getting harder and harder to deal with my mom. Every little thing becomes a major crisis to her. A couple of weeks ago my brother and SIL visited her and she told them she wasn't feeling well........so they decided she should see her doctor. They made the appt and then asked me if I could take her.......then it got rescheduled and each time they asked if I could take her..........HELLO, how about letting me make the appt if you want me to drive?!? (yes I'm venting here). Anyway I finally got her to the doctor and he decided she should be seen by a urologist. So I made an appt for her and they sent her paperwork in the mail to be filled out ahead of time and brought to the appt........and Mom totally freaked. OMG, they wanted past medical history, she had no idea how to deal with it. She called me 4 days in a row in a total panic, every time she saw this paperwork on her desk she freaked. She said she just couldn't handle filling it out, it was too confusing, so I told her I'd take care of it. Then she'd call the next day about the same thing. I finally had her put a note on it that I will take care of it. She told me several times that she didn't think the appt was necessary. Well the appt is today, and I called her yesterday to verify what time I'd come to her place, and now she's totally fine about going to the doc and doesn't even remember not wanting to go. (ok that parts a good thing)
In the meantime I called the urolgist to ask what they wanted from her GP, and they told me, and when I called the GP,to ask if they could fax the info to the urologist, this really nasty receptionist at the GP's office said "we don't have that information" and when I challenged that she said "the urologist's office has to call and request it themselves". So I called the urologist back and they said "no we don't have to do that" and hey, don't look at me, I'm caught in the middle here, I'm just trying to get my mom good medical care. Finally the gal at the urologist's office told me not to worry about the info from the GP's office, whatever they need from Mom (blood, urine sample) they'll get from her today. So this afternoon is Mom's appt and I'm going to her place early to fill out all that paperwork for her and take her and I'm wondering (and worrying ahead of time, a bad habit of mine) if we're going to get there and get a hard time because the GP's office didn't send over Mom's information.
And thru it all, my mother's favorite line is "I'm too old for this" and she keeps telling me she's tired of living, can't handle anything anymore, she's losing it, etc. I never know how to respond to that. I realize she's depressed -- I think she does too -- but she doesn't want to do anything about it. When we go to her doctors, she tells them everything is fine and puts on a big act, and then is totally different when it's just me.

My mom and I are not what I would consider close. I do the best that I can for her but we've never had the kind of loving mother/daughter relationship some of my friends have with their moms. I feel terribly guilty at times when she tells me that she's tired of living, etc, I find myself thinking that if that's how she really feels, it'd be a lot easier on us all if she'd go peacefully in her sleep or something. (ok there I said it, I haven't admitted it to anyone other than my husband). Surely I can't be the only person on the planet to feel this way. But that doesn't help the guilt I feel when the thought goes thru my mind.

Recently I find myself cringing when the phone rings or when I come home to see the message light blinking on my answering machine, afraid that it's either Mom with a problem or my brother or SIL calling to tell me something's happened with her and I'm expected to drop everything and run to the hospital (have done this several times and have vowed I'm not going to do it anymore, we rush there and then sit for what seems like days -- sometimes it is days -- and there's really nothing I can do for her there, and all she does is complain about being there and how she just wants to go home).

This is not something new, but I think I'm dreading taking her to her appt today, last time it was a very difficult day for all kinds of reasons and I'm afraid today is going to be a repeat. so maybe I just needed to vent. I honestly don't know how to deal with her anymore. I'm doing the best I can, but typical of many of us, it doesn't feel like it's good enough. And I get to go thru this all over again next week when I have to take her to an appt with her cardiologist, except she won't be all freaked out over that because she actually likes him.

What I'm really doing here is stalling, I guess, and I'd better start getting myself ready to go.........and I really don't want to. That last sentence sums it up in a nutshell!!

crossstitch, does you mom have any dementia? Just wondering...

I hear ya. It's sad when the elderly are ready to go and they have no control over it. In some cases, people are living too long. We have everything to keep them alive, but if they feel as though they've lived a good life and have not much of a quality of life, they're ready, and I don't blame them.

Would you consider ratting your mom out in front of her doctor? Saying something like. "Mom, tell him/her the truth. Tell him/her how sad you are most of the time." She'll probably get ticked off at you, but maybe she can get the help she needs.

She's never actually been tested for it (is there such a thing as a test for dementia?) I know I may be imagining it but she seems to remember what she wants to remember. When she was giving me a hard time about this appt (and the paperwork involved) I can guarantee you that if I had cancelled the appt and told her so, THAT she would have remembered. There was a part of me that was wondering if the reason she was giving me such a hard time about it was because she really didn't want to go, and hoped that if she drove me nuts enough about it, I'd cancel it (WRONG!). Once she got past freaking out about that stupid paperwork, she forgot about it, or got used to the idea, now it's no big deal. Or at least that's what she said yesterday......who knows what she'll be like when I get there today. It's always a challenge.

I have ratted her out in front of the doctor, before. Then she argues with me......in front of the doctor, and I end up giving up out of frustration. If I said what you said -- tell him how sad you are most of the time -- she'd snap at me "No I'm not! I'm fine! I don't know what you mean!" I swear at times she acts like she thinks she's supposed to be miserable.....like this is the way it's supposed to be, and she just accepts it. My mother has always been about as passive as they come. My father walked all over her (I'm way more like him)when he was alive......it was always all about him. Probably part of the reason I struggle so in trying to find ways to deal with her is because I am not too good at being passive about anything and I can't take the "I'm surviving even if I'm miserable" attitude that she has.

Crosstich Queen, my relationship with my mother is about the same as yours. We have never been close and she tries really hard to make me feel guilty about things. I am the only sibling nearby (my brothers live on the east coast) so I am expected to do everything for her.

I live a very busy life and we talk on the phone 4-5 times a week, and I see her a couple of times a month. I am also a very positive person and if things aren't right then I do something about it. My mom is the opposite. Everything is always wrong and all she does in complain. I just don't even like to spend time with her anymore, and this is nothing new.

She has skills she could be sharing with young people at the library, or volunteering in many other ways, but no - she says she's too busy. But then she complains about being lonely all the time and never does anything about it. I'm so tired of it! For those who have an "obligatory" relationship with a parent, you will understand. Those that are close with their parents may look at me as heartless, but you haven't lived with her miserableness for 50 years.

Geeze, feels good to get this out! I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, CQ, but I understand completely. It feels better to know others are out there like me. Hang in there!

(wow, maybe I should have started my own thread 'miserable mothers' or something....)

K

Thanks for the above comments......Dancing Dolphin, it sure helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way!

I do go in with my mom at doctor's visits, whether the doctor wants me there or not.

Today actually went better than I expected. After a minor hassle (someone blocked my car in when I went to pick her up, but moved just in time for us to make it to her appt) and she actually talked to the doc and told him what's going on with her. She has a UTI and they gave her meds for that. She has another appt next week with a different doc for other reasons and I'm going to try to talk to him.

Thanks again! I know my mom is not going to change, but it helps to let out how I feel about it, and I'm so glad to be able to do that here.........

It isn't easy, I know. My mother is so clingy. And whenever I'm not here or reachable on the phone she wants an explanation. Helloooooo...I work. And I explain this to her with sometimes a strained patience, but then I'll hear a feeble “oh yes, I forgot”...and I just plain feel sorry for her.

I try to treat my mother the way I would want to be treated when I'm in the same situation; with respect and love. Those two factors don't cost anything, even if you have to fake it sometimes.

I usually accompany my Mother to the doctors, and the doctors welcome that. Living through the aging process with my mother has taught me to be prepared for my own time. I will and never expect the care I give my mother from my sons. If you try to look at it as a learning process it helps a little.

I try to be as patient as I can with her..........somedays it's easier than others. Yesterday was one of the better days. I try to treat her as I would like to be treated, also. Which is pretty much how I try to treat everybody. With respect and love and consideration for her feelings.

Yesterday the doc was chatting with her trying to help her relax and asked her how many kids she'd had, she replied she had a son and a daughter. So then (don't ask me why he asked her this!!?) he asked which one takes better care of her. I'm sitting back in a corner of the room, all ears.....and she aaid "oh my daughter takes much better care of me than my son!" and I almost fell off the chair. She never ever compliments me about anything and I was truly surprised. Later on in the day I asked her if she'd meant that and she said "Yes! Your brother only thinks about himself". Well yea I knew that but didn't think she did........for years she acted as if he could do no wrong. She's still got a few surprises in her!

As for the dementia thing........I really don't think mom's there yet. I checked around her apartment and it's clean, there's food in her fridge, she is always clean and in clean clothes, she gets frustrated with herself when she can't remember something or gets confused but I think that's pretty normal with the age. She makes me nuts sometimes.........as when she asked this doc 5 times yesterday if he could write prescriptions for her when I'd already told her we'd deal with that next week when we go to her cardiologist who usually writes her prescriptions for her (and yes I checked to see where she is on refills and she has plenty to see her thru to next week) and each time I reminded her we'd get them next week and she'd say "oh yea" and a few minutes later ask the doc the same thing again. She worries constantly about stuff like that, and when her appts are scheduled for (like I've ever let her miss one!) she's so afraid she's going to forget something.
I guess we're both doing the best we can.

Seek the information about UTI. Many elderly people have been thought to be coming confused and thn found to have UTI.
Its a constant drag to their bodies.Internal tissues have little hormone to support their function.A good uroligist will make sure it is gone.But it may return and same misery happen.

If you think how a younger woman feels with thrush and cystitis and add it to an aging weary body it is no wonder she is awkward.
Anno is right having a helper.Its a go between and maybe your brother could pay for this..Fair is fair.
if a baby/child needs care its accepted and I see the elderly as being as vulnerable.They do revert to petty ways..but after a life spent seeing loss it happens.
Even the sweetest of people can become hard work so sharing the caring is best.
Mountain ash