My book that I might have mentioned a few times when Dotsie wasn't doing it for me is partly dedicated to my maternal grandmother, an Irish spitfire.

I spent three years of my life living with her (in Palm Springs, not exactly a hardship) and caring for her as she slowly declined. She had an independent fiery spirit. Unfortunately Hospice confirmed in March before her death what we suspected for years: she had end-stage dementia (hypothryoid, osteoporosis, arthritis too).

She and my grandfather (who died in 1998) were married for nearly 60 years. High school sweethearts. He was her world. She wanted so badly to join him and finally she did, dying in her own home in her own bed (well, a hospital bed, but in her bedroom). Thank God, We were given the choice to admit this woman, who up until the last 6 months of her life hadn't seen a doctor in 30 years, to the hospital and we refused. Not only would she hate it, but we would hate doing it to her. Luckily we are a close family and rallied around her. my mother and I were the chief forces in her life and luckily being a writer I could stay home and be with her. It grew unbearable at times. It could also be wonderful--she was quite a character and my friends just loved her, but they knew what I was going through. I had a supportive community and two great therapists as well as an aging parent support group for a couple of weeks. I did a lot of writing and journaling. I also have conceived of a documentary or script about granchildren caring for grandparents since the topic is rarely addressed. I asked online for others to share their experiences for a possible article and they responded in droves. I'm planning to do something great with all this experience but it's not even been a year since she died and in many respects it's too fresh. I also got delayed in my healing through a romance that I thought was going to help at the time but ended up being nine months of mostly hell. If I hadn't had the experience of caring for my grandmother I don't think I would have had the strength to get rid of the abuse, actually to add insult to injury the jerk broke up with me over e-mail. Which completely evaporated any guilt I might foolishly have felt.

I don't feel any guilt over what I did or didn't do for my grandmother. I gave back all the love and care and financial support she and my grandfather (who believed in education since they never finished their college degrees) lavished on us kids, or tried to give back. My family and friends have told me many times what a service I did for them, that they couldn't have paid anyone to do the things I did. I'm now rebuilding myself and dealing with some other issues (I'm hypothyroid too) that I avoided while living with her. Luckily I have a goregous place to live, terrific friends, a career, and I'm pretty blessed.

Are there any other grandchildren caregivers on this board? Any women whose kids stepped up to the plate? You hear plenty about grandparents carign for grandkids but nothing about the reverse. I'd like to find out how widespread this is. Who knows maybe we could get a supprot group going.

I liked reading your story and will add a little about my own. I too cared for my grandmother for two years before she died at the tender age of 98. Even though I'm a writer, I don't have much to add in the way of a story, or stories. I never thought of it in terms of what I did for her, I just did it. She was my grandmother, and I adored her. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, as I'm sure you would.

She lived 60 miles west of me and I drove it every weekend to take care of her and sometimes during the week. When I wasn't there (during the week), one of my other sisters would take over. She was never without one of us. When she went to the assisted living home, we were there every day and sometimes the nights. Sometimes we just went to the home and crawl up in the bed with mammaw and spent the night...cradling her like a baby....it was a wonderfully rewarding and at the same time, depressing experience. Bittersweet. I was honored to give that time to her in devotion. A few months after she died was when my Daddy was diagnosed with Lewy-Body Dementia, closely followed by my Mother's breast cancer...so, for the past 5 years, much of what I hav done has been in the caregiving arena...I'm thinking I have TOO MUCH experience...

JJ

My mothers mother had diabetes her entire life and at the age of 60 had her leg amputated. She was a large woman and hard to handle but all I could remember was what wonderful meals she always prepared, she could bake anything, cook anything and grow virtually anything. She crocheted my wedding gown and made the veil too, there was nothing this Italian woman couldn't do. In Italy she was a midwife and birthed many babies. When her leg was amputated she needed constant care, my Aunt moved into her home and I took two days a week where I went there with my two boys, (Mark was only a baby then) and cared for all her needs. We took turns my mom, her two sisters and a cousin, caring for her but it got to be too much for her heart and I know because she told me, she wanted to die and she did. Peacefully in her sleep. I have never seen anything like her leg swollen and erupting with gangerine, that poor dear talented, wonderful women, what a terrible waste and loss to her family....

lovely topic. It brought bacak memories of my children and nieces and nephews in bed with Mom when she was dying. I still get tears when I piture my 6'2" nephew lying and talking with Mom-Mom. We(brother, sisters, and Dad) gave most of the hands on care, and the grandchildren lavished love upon her.

Typically all of us would do our own thing with Mom for her birthday, except for her 70th. We had a big dinner party at a restaurant. Mom was battling cancer and fairly imoblie for her last birthday so ALL of us celebrated that birthday with her. It was touching to see the gifts the grandchildren gave her knowing it was her last. Those are some of my favorite pictures!

Kristin,
Our son helped me with my father who also had Hospice care. His help though started way before that. He did things when he was young that made his grandfather laugh when he was hospitalized. Now you have jogged some really special memories will try to write them down or look for them.
Maggie

What wonderful people you are and what fabulous children, etc., you have. If anybody is willing to share and authorize my use of anecdotes etc (including the ones here) in what could be the book/article of my life, please PM me.

I am a grandma and I have experienced that kind of love already.

My family and Dan's showed up to welcome me home from the hospital. They played nurse and cooked dinner then brought it to me in bed. They insisted coming back to do cooking, cleaning, etc. until I get over this.

But what most impressed me was my two grandsons who crawled up in bed with me and whispered how they wanted to help take care of me too. They said they would come to be my "nurse of the day" while they are out of school for Christmas.
Great kids.
smile