This is my first post. What a way to start but this is the topic most on my mind lately. My 86 year-old mom has been sick off and on for the past year and I was stopping at her house before and after work to help her with meals, medication, appointments, and whatever else needed doing. However, the last bout with illness landed her in the hospital, then in a nursing home where it looks like she may never leave. She's down to about 70 lbs., very weak, and with a monster bed sore that isn't healing because of the lack of proper nutrition. I hate the nursing home atmosphere (2 people in a tiny room, people slouched in wheelchairs everywhere you look, nonstop screams of "I want to go home"). But I don't know if there are any other feasible options. Everything is so expensive and it's so sad to have it come down to money. I visit her almost everyday but always feel like I'm not doing enough. She's very alert with only occasional bouts of confusion. Yesterday she told me "I never pictured myself living the rest of my days like this." Anyone else gone through this? Words of wisdom?

Yes, my mother was in a nursing home for a few years and I agree with you. It isn't any fun for either you or your mother. I always had to think I hope I am doing what is best for my mother.
To cope I prayed a lot, went in with a cheerful attitude. Talked to the staff who helped her not just the heads of the departments but the aides who were there daily. Also people in the room across. Visitors who I came to know that cared for my mother.
Hope this helps a little.
Maggie

Agate, welcome! Glad to have you in our neighborhood.

Sorry to hear about your mom. I know it's sad to hear your mom say that she never thought she'd live out her days like that, but she's only speaking the truth. Maybe she just thought things would end differently for her and that's okay. Just try to hear it as the truth and not as something that is directed at you. Know what I mean? Does that sound harsh? I hope not.

I remember when my mom was sick I took everything she said so personally. It was such an emotional time.

Whenever she talked with me I now realize I was denying her emotions. I tried to make things seem as though they were better. I wish I would have just listened and agreed by sayign soemthing like, "Yes, this cancer stinks and I can't stand seeing you this way!" I think that may have been what she wanted to hear. It would have allowed for more honest communication at the time.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's a great time to really listen and affirm her life.

ANd like Maggie mentioned, I think it's really important to have a visible presence at the nursing home. Spread love and they will love your mom when you aren't there!

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'll work on getting to know the aids and nurses better. There's a few I know because they have reached out to me and told me what a great lady my mom is and keep me informed on how she's doing. The people who work in the nursing homes are definately not the enemy. Now the insurance companies and owners/managers of the nursing homes, that's a whole other matter. And honest communication, that's hard, but I need to do that with my mom rather than trying to sound like everything is okay and she'll be back home in no time. She's no fool.

Agate,

I'm kind of a non-practicing registered nurse. I'm not working at all right now, but I still do occasional consulting with nursing homes. A while back, as a favor to a nurse friend, I worked a day or so a week as a nurse in a nursing home. It was a wonderful experience.

Every day because my nursing skills are so rusty, in the car on the way to the nursing home, I would first of all pray that I wouldn't harm anyone then I would pray that I would be a blessing to someone that day.

It was very hard work. So many people were so very ill and there was little anyone could do. The families were understandably upset and demanding and the patients needed more care than the staff could possily provide.

The patients all gathered in front of my desk to wait for meals. They all seemed so teribly lonely and many were depressed. I usually took my lunch break at that time, but for some reason, one day I just started singing with the patients and was amazed at how they received it. When I would show up for work, the ones who could would start asking if we were going to sing. We sang happy birthday to everyone every day and hymns and when I worked on the Fourth of July we sang a whole medly of patriotic songs. I was amazed that some of the patients who were paralyzed and couldn't even talk could sing. I'm certainly not a great singer, but my voice got stronger and I was so blessed by that.

Pretty soon every day on my way home, I was thanking God, not for allowing me to be a blessing, but for the blessing everyone had been to me.

My nurse friend came back to work and I was no longer needed as a nurse so I went back to my business and consulting, but sometimes I want to go back and sing with those patients again. It was such a blessing and I think it blessed them too.

smile

Smiliniz,
I love the singing part of this. My mother led the choir at Christmas and your right singing is wonderful for everyone.
Loved what Dotsie told you too Agate.
Another idea that I used and all who read it found it a great tool to get to know mom. I wrote a three page biography about my mother and let the staff have it. Any new nurse, aide or anyone else who cared for her. I asked them if they read it. They liked it because it told about her life before. She wasn't just a person they didn't know. This was the short version of mother's life.
She was a charter member of girl scouts here in Oregon. Things like this. You have to ask them because they put it in a notebook and the aides don't always see it.
Thanks,
Maggie

Gee Maggie, Writing about your mother's life is a wonderful idea. Maybe you could post it somewhere in her room or something. If it gets on her chart, the privacy laws get involved and the aides and other non-professional as well as the nurses should be able to read it.

I remember how excited the aides and others were about the backgrounds of some of the patients in the nursing home where I worked. I think realizing how much the patients had accomplished in their lives increased our respect for them as people and gave us things to talk to them about.

My Dad was in a nursing home for a short time. He never lost his mental abilities and hated the very idea of being there at first, but because he was such a comedian, he developed an audience among the staff and patients and soon he was entertaining everyone with jokes. He became very close to the several of the aides and six or seven came of them to his funeral. His favorite aide was a paul bearer.

I wrote a story about it. It's a love story. Dad and Mom fell in love again in the nursing home.

smile

[ January 05, 2004, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

once again I am posting on a subject that I hold dear. I might suggest this even though it has already been mentioned, but this has a twist.

You can print out a story of your loved one on an 8x10 piece of paper (this is standard size) and then frame it. Hang it outside of their door so anyone entering will have the opportunity to read it. Your loved one becomes a real person to them, not just a number.

Another thing is make sure they have a bulletin board in their room so you can share pictures of the family. This not only helps your love one, it is a reminder to the staff that this person has family/friends who love them. IT DOES make a difference.

Getting to know the nurses and CNA/aids is crucial to your loved one getting the best of care. I know each one of them on a personal basis as well as professional. These people are overworked, understaffed, and underpaid. When they realize you understand and are willing to help, the level of care your received goes up. I make it a policy that before I gripe about ANYTHING, I stop and think "could I have done a better job, given the circumstances?" Usually the answer is no. I am not saying to keep your mouth closed when you see abuse, but I am saying that you have to adapt to the circumstances.

JJ

Thank the lord you're back. Our smile lines were disappearing!!

Love the idea of the bulletin board in patient rooms and framing the life story. Another thing that is helpful is a clock with large numbers and a calendar.

People in nursing homes and hospitals become disoriented partly because they lose track of time. Try it yourself. You'll get disoriented too. Orientation to time and space along with reliving events of the past by talking about them is one of the therapies for alzheimer patients.

Good work JJ.

smile

Hi Agate Mary - I am so sorry your mother isn't doing well; it's difficult to care for a loved one. Dave's ninety year old mother lives with us and she has severe loss of short term memory. She remembers stuff that happened seventy or eight years ago but that's about it. Thank God her health is relatively good. She had a bout with breast cancer in 2003 and had a breast removed.

My mom took care of her mother until her death and Grandmother was in poor health. Taking care of Grandma was a nightmare!

Old age and poor health are difficult. We're human and get cranky and small spirited and tired. We, hopefully with God's grace, do the best we can...most of the time. For those times we can't or don't do our best we need to forgive ourselves and ask His forgiveness. Don't forget to take care of yourself...first...a harder lesson to learn than most other lessons. If we don't take care of ourselves first then we can't give our best to others.

How about taking small treats to your mother? If she can have sweets, have a sweet jar in her room. That almost guarantees she'll have nurse and caregiver visitors . Make friends with the nursing staff. Go out of your way to say "thank you" and "we/I appreciate you". All of us like to be thanked - especially care givers who generally don't get many thanks. Send your mother subscriptions to her favorite magazines and newspapers. Take her favorite blankie or throw, or make her one, and tell her she's being wrapped in your love even when you can't be with her in person. Can she listen to books on tape? Make a personal tape for her where you read from her favorite Scripture or poem.

I pray for you God's grace, strength and mercy. It's a hard job but He will give you what you need...don't forget to ask.

Agape & Shalom,

Sandra