My mother is 85, her memory is very bad, she has leukemia that the doctor says is in remission, and she doesn't want me to have anything to do with her personal life.
I am an only child. My mother is a "hard shell" Baptist. She was a Buck Sargent in the Army, and my poor father was a Private. Their marriage was like they were still in the service the entire time they were married.
My father was an alcholic. The reason he drank was to be able to get up the nerve to tell my mother off.
Everyone tells me that my mother is a wonderful, kind, woman. What a bunch of crap!
As a child, she beat me with the buckle of a belt.
When she got religion, she made me go to church every day of the week, until I became a teenager and rebelled. I wasn't allowed to do anything, because teenagers were considered the "evil" on the earth according to her church. I could go on and on about her church, but won't. I just can't step into a church without tears welling up in my eyes because of the way that church treated their youth, and other people.
My mother moved to Olympia about four years ago, because I am her only child, my daughters are her only grandchildren, and my grandsons are her only great grandsons. I hate to admit it, but I didn't want my mother to move up here because I knew we wouldn't be able to get along.
My mother has informed everyone she knows that I'm bossy. She calls me a liar when I try to tell her things that she doesn't remember.
My daughters can do no wrong, so I've taken a back seat to taking care of my mother.
She lives in a Senior Home, with no care. It will be soon where she will have to go into an assisted living home because of her losing her memory. No it's not Alzheimer's.
I could go on, and on, but as my husband has told me, "You've put your hand out to your Mother so many times, and all she has done is slap it." "Give up, and leave it up to the girls to help her take care of business."
I'm going thru so much guilt, because I can't even call her anymore. I have nothing to talk to her about.
I take her out for drives, to dinner, anything else I can think of, and it's just useless because we just don't connect.
The last incident was Christmas.
I told my Mother that my dtr. had asked that my husband and I pick her up to take her to my dtr's. for Christmas dinner, and I would call her before we left our home, so she would have time to get down to the lobby and wait for us to pick her up. I told her I would call around 4 and 4:15 p.m.
She started calling at 2:00 wanting to know when we'd be there to pick her up. I told her the above, and she said ok.
She continued to call when I was in the shower, and other times. I ignored the calls.
Went to pick her up, and she started in on me why we were late. It was 4:05p.m.
Told her we weren't late, and she started in on me, and I just clamed up.
I just won't take her yelling at me anymore. I'm not 12 years old. I've been told I don't have to take what she says, and to tell her to stop talking to me like I'm a child, there is no reason for me to have to take her talking to me like she does. It's very hateful, and let me tell you, it hurts!
I've told my dtrs. that I will not pick my Mother up for any family activities again. They will have to take care of it. I will be happy to take her home.
I could go on and on, but just needed to vent.
Does anyone out there have a problem like this?
Please don't tell me to take what she says, and just let it go in one ear and out the other. I've tried......ended up with an ulcer.
Thanks,
Lynne

Lynne,
I can see your frustration. You obviously love your mother, but it sounds as if she tries to turn everything into a battle. Difficult people always seem to be in some imagined battle that they must win in order to be loved. Your mother is the offense and if she can get you on the defense, she wins because your defense is weakened by your desire to please her.

In warfare when the defense is unavoidably weakened, soldiers go into their foxholes in order to hide their weakness and "deflect" the enemy's bullets. They know that a weak or unsure defense will only bring out the enemy's big guns.

In human terms, deflection takes resolve and planning ahead to ignore your desire to please. But with practice you can simply 'deflect' your mother's nasty comments and turn them into humor.

My daughter is the champion at deflecting. She would dramatically over react to your mother's criticism about being late with something like, "Oh my lord, I didn't know you were starving. Hop in. We'll turn on the siren and run red to get there before you lapse into a coma."

Your mother would then be on the defensive. She would argue she's not starving, etc. and you can come back with more like, "Well Mom, you're looking pretty weak." or something better. Then just hustle her into the car and be on your way.

You should certainly show love to your mother, but it should be in your way on your time and not in the form of trying to please her. Love is never earned and no matter how much you try, you will never earn your mother's love. It is an insult to love that you try. If you stop trying to earn it, love will come to you as a gift.

You have to be able to see the irony and humor in your mother's criticism to handle it, but with a little practice, maybe you can get her, and your own painful reactions, under control.

Just some ideas from what works around here.
smile

You have all my compassion for your situation, LSmith5434. I have been where you are now. Smilinize gave you some brilliant thoughts on the matter. Someone helped me with my mom by reminding me that the only thing I could control was my reaction to her. So, I learned to disconnect the buttons that she pushed. Eventually, her words no longer caused any emotional reaction in me at all. For the first time in my life, I felt like an adult when I talked to her, instead of a child. Hang in there.

Smilinize and Pat......Thank you!
I was so wrapped up in misery, that I forgot I do have a sense of humor, and I have to admit, I'd really get a reaction from my mother if I used humor on her.
She has no "funny bone." She just scowls most of the time. She's not a happy lady.
I'm going to try your suggestions.
Thank you so much!!!
Lynne

Speaking of humor, LSmith5435, I just love your siggy about the "big girl panties". In my case, it's true! I used to snicker at my mom's fullcut briefs, but not anymore. Funny how your persective changes. Come to think of it, that's probably more than you wanted to know about me, right?

Thanks Pat.....Tell me more about you. I'm finding out after posting my dilema with my Mother that I really do need to take "everything" with a sense of humor that I really do have, but it's been tucked away because of all the crap I've been going thru.
Can't thank everyone for telling me I've still got that "silly lady" in me.
Lynne

LSmith and all, I swear it it weren't for a sense of humor most of us would be in a padded cell by now. Just stop and think a moment what we have to endure all our lives. We go from daughter to hopefully normal sane parents, to wife of a man that usually is half as bright as we are to being a mother supposedly knowing all the answers. I for one have had to laugh my way through countless mistakes and disapointments but laugh I did even through some tears, and sane I stayed such as it is. Just keep on smiling and laughing at how much life has to teach us, at 65 I am still learning and thank the good Lord, still laughing...at myself a lot of the time....

[ January 08, 2006, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I'm going to do my best to be right there with you Chatty.
I'm going to work very hard on it, I promise!!
Lynne

Funny, I have not checked in in a while and was going to write a post about my mother when I came upon this post. Earlier I had written and asked for suggestions about Christmas "Christmas Dilemma" My mother is a very critical person and seems to collect stories of a negative nature on a regular basis. Every conversation we have is about something from her past and it is never good. Mostly incidents that include my father, how he did this or that, basically running him down every chance she gets. She is also very prejudice which really bugs me, but she doesn't like most people especially men. It was her birthday yesterday and I took her out for lunch with my kids, dad and my inlaws (I'm divorced but still get along well with them) She managed to talk about a murder in town etc. during lunch. I find that I am very critical about her and after talking to a friend about it realize that I turn into a kid when in her company. I am angry that she keeps bringing up the past but I am doing the same thing with her by remembering every incident that caused me pain because of something she did or said when I was younger. I don't react as an adult with her, I act like a young girl. My mother was very controlling and critical when I was young. She was not supportive, compared me to my perfect brother and drives me crazy today because I have not let go of this. I react negatively to almost everything she says. I don't say anything to her, I just sit there and listen and then stew about it later, or bite my tongue and leave. When I was young I was afraid of her and sat there and took her insults and unfair comments as I did not want to rock the boat and avoided controvercy at all costs. My dad has done the same thing all these years. Neither of us has ever stood up to her. She always has to be right and will argue a point to the death eveb when she knows she is wrong and will never admit it...but why do I join in?
I am seeing now that I am a big part of this and I asked myself today if I want my kids to hang on to all the things I did as a parent that may have hurt their feelings and of course the answer is no. I am going to try really hard to not react and to treat as many situations with my mother as I can with humour. It's time I grew up and stop acting like a little misunderstood girl, I will never please her so I need to step up and be an adult and stop trying. And, try to handle as many situations as I can with humour.
Kate

Kate.......I'm so happy for your sake that I brought up this subject.
I never turned myself into a little girl when around my mother. But I did sit there and take all her hateful stuff because I was taught to respect my Mother, even if she did run me into the ground.
As you've read.........not anymore.
And I know for sure that my humor will just make her so angry she won't be able to respond back to me!!!
This truly makes me giggle out loud!!!!
Lynne