My father, who lives with us, is 79 and very ill, and I'm running myself ragged trying to keep up. All I can do is cry. That and laundry and change diapers and get up in the middle of the night to clean up messes, adjust pillows, fans and lights, cook, try to get my Dad to take his pills and eat so he won't be malnourished or sick from the meds on an empty stomach, fill out paperwork to try and get him on the Medicare drug plan, vaccum, get my husband to put Mineral Ice on my back, and then go to work at my regular job (which may not last much longer given the mistakes I've been making due to being distracted and the fact that business is slow).

I love my Dad very much and I don't want to lose him, but it hurts me terribly to see him suffer, so I'm torn between hoping he won't have to suffer long and not being anything like ready to let him go.

I cry alot, but I don't let him see or hear. I hide away, have a bout of it, and then go back smiling and keeping it out of my voice. He doesn't want to be a burden and would feel even worse if he knew.

My brother lives a 1000 miles away and was No Help Whatsoever when our mother was ill and dying, or our grandmother. I lost them both 12 and 13 years ago respectively. I took care of them both for a while, but finally had to put Grandma in a home for the last six months of her life because I couldn't manage her and my mother at the same time. Grandma was really out of it towards the end, abusive and infantile at the same time. And she weighed 200 pounds until she started refusing to eat. I won't beg for my brother's help, and really the only thing he could do for me is send money, especially if I get laid off, and he's been doing that a little.

That is, I have to send him receipts for Rx's and such and then my sister-in-law sends a check every once is a while for half of that. If my brother writes a check it'll be for less than half.

I don't really have a question. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I can't even read right now because everything's blurry from the tears. I'm a touch typist.

All we can do is pray for you and as someone on here says, it's the best thing we can do. And we will.

There are Respite programs in most areas that will send people in to care for people in your father's condition in order to give care givers some rest. In many cases they are paid either by state programs or non-profits. Maybe you could check on that. In our state it goes through the Dept. of Public Service.

Rest in the arms of God. You are in my prayers today.
smile

Smile is right and you need to investigate those places when you can. May I ask why he isn't in a nursing facility? There may even be private homes that are licensed to care for six or eight patients and usually advertise in the local newspapers. When my sister was an invalid with Dementa I hired a woman to come in all day and clean her room, help bathe her etc. It was a big load off of me. Being a caregiver 24/7 is the hardest job on the planet. You deserve whatever help you can get for yourself. My friend is a nightime sitter, by that I mean while the patient and the family are asleep, she stays there in the home and if the patient awakens she takes care of his needs. That way the caregiver gets some rest. God Bless you.

Flo, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

There is a great book that may be able to help you with the death and dying issue. It's called The Final Gift. My siblings and I read it when Mom was dying. It helped us talk to Mom, affirm her life, and give her permission to die.

I'd love for you to consider ways to find a little relief. Is there anyone who could come in and give you a little break? Is it possible for you brother and sister-in-law to come to town for a week? When Mom was sick, my out of town sister came to town and stayed with Mom and Dad quite often. All of us who lived in town breathed a sigh of relief when she was around. It gave us a little breathing room. It worked beautifully.

Hi Flo,

With everyone else, I would have to agree, you need some repite. If you are filling out the medicaid then you surely could apply for a visiting nurse. I don't know if they would come at night though, which is obviously where your problem lies.

Is your father having a hard time sleeping at night?

It is a good idea to break this whole situation down into little problems (although this might depress you a bit) And work at solving the toughest, or maybe one big one. With any problem there are lots of aspects, we tend to see it as one big problem. If there are several small solutions that will make the situation better, that would be great,and might give you some relief.

Please keep us posted on how things are going!

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions. I'm currently working on stopping feeling sorry for myself and starting to tackle the problems one by one. Dad is better today. I have the forms to fill out for the Rx drug benefit. Then I'm going to start finding out who and where to call for more help. It's been difficult. I've been, I think, partly paralized by fear. Fear of losing Dad, even though that is inevitable and I'm not a child. But I'm afraid I've been acting like one.

What's really funny is, I'm normally a take charge kind of person, the kind of person other people turn to when they need help. And I've worked in positions of responsibility where I had to manage up to 150 other people, and I did fine. But this... has thrown me for a loop. This is my Dad. So it's been really hard. But I am trying to pull myself together.

Thank you again for all your kind thoughts and words. They are much appreciated.

I will be thinking goods thoughts for you...

Last year we had to take care of my father-in-law. It was really quite the time, he had dementia, and was really difficult. We knew what he needed to keep him as healthy as possible, and safe. He just refused everything.

He kept wandering and falling, and was being hit by every scam artist around. There were numerous car accidents, we had him retested throught the DMV.

He had stacks of mail requesting money from him for donations to places that were scams, and when we discussed this with the local elder abuse. They informed us that the checks were all being sent to the same bank account, but with different names.

We thought that we were the only ones, having an elderly parent going through this. Then, we started sharing this with others, and were so surprised when more than half of the friends we know are having similiar experiences.

Sharing the info with others gave us some good advice, and strength that we were doing the right thing.

Flo Voy I think part of the problem lies in the idea we have all grown up with that our Fathers are our rock, the protector, the strength in our worlds and now all of a sudden he is the weaker one, the one needing our care, our strength. Its hard for our inner self to accept this change but it can be done as you are finding out. Your father is a very fortunate man that he has your devotion, love and care in his last days.

God bless you FLo Voy --

You are an angel! I echo what Chatty said, how blessed he is to have you!

danita

[ September 29, 2005, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Danita ]