Last year I met a man who had moved to our county. George is a great person and married to a lovely woman...both of whom have become our friends. Now George is dying in another Virginia city far from here. Before Christmas he was diagnosed with cancer and had radiation which cause a whole 'nother set of problems. They said he was well and sent him home. After Christmas he found three lumps on his chest. Now he's been given a few, couple, not very many and for damn sure not enough months to live. I talked with his wife this afternoon, they are "holding up". Unfortunately, some of you know what that means. Every week I send them photos of lambs or sheep or the farm along with a long letter. It's what I can do, from a distance, so it's what I do. That and we telephone them a couple of times a month.

And it makes me angry that another good man/person is dying before we've had a chance to get to know each other. Before we figure out what lessons we're here to teach each other. Before we're ready to say good-bye. I know our times are in God's Hands and I do accept that. It's just sometimes I don't want to be this angry and frightened and confused and I can't start crying because then...I.am.afraid.I.will. never.stop.

And it makes me angry that in this country we pretend. We pretend someone is going to get well when we know they are dying. Or we pretend to be friends. Or we pretend we still love each other.

Why don't we know it's a lot harder pretending than it is knowing? Isn't the knowing worth the precious few friends we'll meet along the way? Isn't the knowing worth knowing that some people simply aren't going to like us...no matter how much fanny we kiss or boot we lick. Isn't the knowing worth being real?

His wife and I talked about honesty this afternoon. About how people in this country shy away from honesty. About people who are dying and the loved ones of the people who are dying need honesty in their lives. They need to be able to get their affairs in order. They need the time to get things right. They need the time to say good-bye.

And you know, in a way, George & his wife are the fortunate ones. They have been given this gift of time and beyond that...they are smart enough to recognize this time for what it is, for what they must do, for the preparations they must make.

And it's not easy but it's still a gift. And my life has been blessed so enourmously by their gift of friendship. I'm just selfish. I want more.

And they are blessed as well Sandra, for you love and friendship. My heart goes out to them, and to every family like them. I know what I am saying here because I have watched my Daddy die a little bit every day for the past seven years.

Hugs, JJ

Sandra,
You are so right about this country and their not being honest. Haveing worked with the Hospice here I have seen family members and friends who could not deal with this at all. The volunteers and staff work with the dying person, family and friends to help them through this.
So sorry to hear about your friends. They are so lucky to have your friendship at this time.
Maggie

Sandra,

You made some really fine points on honesty and dying. So many times we forget to say what is on our minds and 'sugarcoat' our words to appease and console.

Your friends are blest in having someone so honest and caring as yourself. As you noted, life is too short and honesty should be a high priority.

I send hugs and blessings to you....

Toni

Sandra,

My heart goes out to you and your freinds. I know what you are speaking of because my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer Sept. 2003. He has completed radiation and chemo over the holidays and now is back to jsut chemo for a month then one more month after that.

Yes, we all want the medical industry to be honest with us but sometimes they really don't know. They are only men and women. Only God knows our time. I think they should be quickcer to let you know that you are terminal so that you can begin dealing with that knowledge but if they give you "bad news" and you are the 20% who could make it, you need that postive outlook.

I flip flop between wanting to be told exactly waht is going to happen, knowing no one can tell me that, only God.

And if we were told my husband was going to die tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. we would be so stymied that we would sit adn watch the clock until 2:00 p.m.. LIVE! We can not know it all, we must get to the acceptance part then live what you have left. It is the only way we have found to cope. And yet, somedays that is not enough.

I agree so many wonderful people are being taken from us at such young ages (my husband is 60) and we have a 5 year old son. It is very sad.

I pray that God gives your friends the strength they need to live through this. As I pray that He gives me the strength to live through this.

Lynn

Lynn, you are so kind to recognize the dilemma of being a health professional with scientific information that indicates a condition is fatal and understanding the practical implications, but not wanting to deliver the news. What do you do?
Do you give the information a patient needs in order to make practical decisions, or do you withold the information and encourage hope. It's especailly difficult when you know that without hope, even otherwise healthy people die.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I needed to know, but when I was told, at first I gave up. I'm not sure why.
But with the help of God and a lot of love, I again found hope and somehow survived. It gave me a whole new perspective.

Lynn, all you can do is what you are doing. Just handle the practical issues as they arrise and surround your husband and yourself with love then pray to a wonderfully merciful God. Your strength is greater than you know.
smile

All I can add is CANCER TREATMENT CENTERS OF AMERICA. They treat the whole person, with the usual treatments but also with special immune increasing nutrition, vitamin and herbal cures, mental and spiritual enhancement and they do cure, many that have been given no hope by their doctors. You can search them out on the computer. My heart goes out to all those with these terrible diseases and all of you living with a loved one thats suffering....God Bless you all....

I find this topic very interesting. I'm not sure but sometimes I think doctors take clues from their patients about how much to reveal. Does anyone agree with this?

I say this because my husband is a doctor and know many of his patients very well because he has been seeing them for years. He says he can learn lots about people in the short period of time he spends with them. His delivery is always delicate.

I think doctors need to read their patients. The only problem with oncology is patients and doctors are meeting for the first time.

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer most of us went to her doctor appts. with her. We basically told the doctor right up front that we wanted the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He worked with us and was always very honest.

Thistle, you are a dear friend. You're friends are lucky to have you.

Lynn, I appreciated reading your perspective but I just wish you didn't have to learn it at this stage in life. I think we're all praying He gives you and your hubby the strength to live through this! I know I am!

Smile, you're an inspiration to us all. So glad you survived! If you don't mind me asking, when did you have cancer?

My cancer was more than ten years ago. I don't even remember the exact year. I do know I was a single mother and my kids were small. It was a very hard time for all three of us. But we all survived and even grew from the experience.

smile

Smile you never cease to amaze me. You are such a strong woman and I am so glad I know you. How hard that must have been. I know God must have seen how special you are and walked with you during this time. You, Lynn, Meredith and others are such gentle reminders to me to live life fully and to be grateful for every day we have been given. God bless you all.

JJ