I am really trying to stay on the high road but tonight I got hit in the gut once again and am really struggling with it.

The soon-2-b-x orchestrated a fiasco with our kids today by confusing after school pickup arrangements. He told each of them a different set of instructions and kept me out of the loop entirely except for asking me to assume responsibility for them for the next couple of days as he has a business engagement (it was supposed to be his parenting time...). Well, utter chaos ensued with lots of hurt feelings. One of my kids said that he was tired of being treated like property and decided to spend the night at a friend's house to get away from everybody.The other eventually came home and we were able to straighten everything out. Then he let me know that he was really upset because he has already caught his dad in quite a few lies and in addition to what had happened this evening he also suspected that his dad was en route to see his girlfriend - who according to the ex doesn't exist, and is a figment of my perverse imagination. the timing is really suspicious as well, as we have a hearing scheduled for the end of the week: he knows I've got his number and heaven only knows what that man is up to. My son asked me if I thought his dad was going to take off with his girlfriend and disappear.

There's a part of me that wants to track him down like the dog that he is, but another part of me wants to close my eyes and just pray that things work out for the best instead of stooping to his level.

What do I do? Any suggestions?

foundhervoice-atlast

Step back from it and remove yourself emotionally. Don't go there. If you remain calm and don't discuss this with the kids, other than to listen to them talk and support them with no input about the ex, they won't feel caught in the middle.

Should you ask your lawyer what to do? Would it helpp your case to have eveidence that he IS fooling around?

Whatever you do(Dianne makes a good point)you don't have to involve the kids.

Your strength and self-control amazes me.

Hmmmm....I see you're in Colorado so murder isn't an option. Is it against the law to break someone's kneecaps? Even if it's "an accident"? I just read a magazine article on "voluntary castration"; is it still "voluntary" when the man is out cold?

How about a private investigator to get the goods on the soon to be x and then take him to the cleaners? Why should his first family suffer because his gonads itch?

Leave the children out of it, don't force them to take sides. If they are old enough to ask the hard questions, they are old enough to see their dad acting like a number one jerk.

I already talked to the lawyer, and because we are in a no fault divorce state, proof of infidelity won't make a difference in terms of granting the divorce. But it might make a difference with regard to the division of property if we go to court because the soon-2-b-x is still refusing to give me more than 3 yrs of support after 20+ years of marriage, and is contesting my right to any of our savings/investments. We still do not have even temporary suppport orders and we have been separated for 9 months. But his affair will be just one more blight on his already "blemished" character and hopefully the judge will see right through him, in spite of his extraordinary skill at lying, and do the right thing for the sake of me and my children. At 53, after 17 years as a stay at home mom i need a jump start in order to get on with my life. I pray that the judge will see it this way, too.

I do have proof of the so-called non-existent affair and will use it if i have to...it's just that this whole thing is sooo not who I am. But maybe that's the problem. I have always shied away from confrontation but now I'm in for the fight of my life, and I'd better learn how to deal with it real fast...

As far as the kids are concerned, they are already involved because as you may recall from a previous posting, they intercepted the message left on our home machine from the husband of the woman their dad is involved with, notifying me of their affair. I do let the kids vent, and encourage them to keep the language clean and not be disrespectful of their father, and believe me - that would be a very hard thing for me to do except that I don't want these children turning their hatred inward because they share their dad's DNA. This has already come up, believe it or not ("what if i turn out to be just like dad, mom?"), and we had a very serious discussion about nature vs nurture, and the role of free will in their young lives.

Thank you Thistle Cove Farm for your questions about what is and isn't against the law here. I asked the very same questions when this whole thing first started, and still think it's a dog-gone shame that there isn't some state supported program to de-itchify these men's gonads...it makes about as much sense to me as having insurance subsidize prescriptions for viagra, but not cover women's birth control pills. Unbelievable!

foundhervoice-atlast (and trying to voice it louder!)

Foundhervoice - if I lived in Colorado I would think we were married to the same man! My 2BX also likes to purposely create confusion/problems for two reasons: 1. to get me upset and after 15 years of marriage he knows exactly what to do/say; 2. to make himself appear to be super-Dad-spouse-extraordinaire able to prove he is worthy by saving the day. Everything was fine in the first place until he put in his 2cents.

That's the main problem with our divorce (and marriage). He knows that I do not like confrontation and he could usually bully me into letting him have his way. I used to do almost anything to keep the peace.

Actually I'm so sweet natured I can't even watch the Animal Plant channel with my kids because the police show with the abused animals makes me cry! Unfortunately now I have to lay aside my kind and generous disposition and disassociate myself emotionally, financially and physically from the man who is the father of my children and whom I've loved and supported for over 15 years. Hence my name "New Attitude".

I can't save the world and I can't save a grown man that doesn't even realize he has problems. I just have to remember I am not the cause of nor responsible for his situation and I will not feel guilty.

I treat him as he acts-'a stranger in my house'; this is not the man who promised to love, honor and cherish. Since the judge does not have the benefit of knowing our 2BX's true nature, it is our civic duty to gather and provide ample documentation to the legal system so that an informed, fair and equitable decision is rendered.

Try not to take it personal but remember you're fighting for the wellbeing of your family. Be tough but fair.

Keep your head up girlfriend.

Get all the proof against these soon 2-b-x's because they will lie and make up tnings against you and your character. Them knowing your dislike for confrontation can be your ace in the hole when the time comes. You must be the mother bear here fighting the fight of your life for your cubs because no one else really gives a dam about you or them, don't kid yourself. I wish you both all the luck in the universe in defeating these x's.

I know you're trying to take the high road but sometimes, you've got to go to the trenches and roll in the mud.

Guess that's my problem - I can't stand having mud on me.

Mud's not all that bad, it's great for your complexion!!! It's just putting your toes in for the first time that's a little squeamish....

I put myself and my children in jeapordy when I divorced my husband. I wouldn't ask for anything because I didn't want HIM with any control left whatsoever. Plus I knew that it didn't matter what I asked for, I'd have the fight of my life to get it....But the judge required me to ask for $75.00 in child support each month. And that's what I got. For years and years and years. And had trouble with getting that. That was stupid of me, you never know what's around the corner, and 6 months after our divorce, Nichole had her brain tumor diagnosed.....Our lives were severely compromised from that day forward.... And would you believe that he and his mother thought they were doing ME a favor by sending the $75???

Am venting a bit now - also would you believe that I asked ex to take Nichole for ONE year so that I could finish grad school (in order to have the income to hire someone in to take care of Nichole who required at least a certified NA to care for her - I went thru countless sitters who didn't have the training) and he refused. I told him I was putting her on a plane and he better come to get her. And HE said, "Well, she'll sit there forever, because I'm not going to get her"...I would have called his bluff, but couldn't put Nichole thru that....so I had to withdraw from grad school to take care of her myself....I'm still suffering that today..

Self protection for you and your children are the issue here - never mind the mud.

Searcher

BTW I took care of Nichole for all but 5 of her 32 years, and those 5 were not by choice. The longest he ever had her was a week. And in that week, she had a siezure, fell down and broke her right arm, (which was the only arm and hand she could use), so his mother got on a plane with Nichole and brought her back !Too difficult for a whole family to take care of (at the time, there was his brother, his sister, mother and father), but not too difficult for a single mom with 2 children!!!

Sorry for the outburst, but I don't want anyone else to go thru anything like that. Just get tough. Downright mean if it's necessary!