Ladies,

A few weeks ago my best friend in the world's husband called from his training camp to tell her that he met someone and now wants a divorce. She was very distraught at first and after a few weeks where he'd call and say stupid things to her she started seeing other men. I told her not to do this by any means until the divorce is final but she wouldn't even file because she wanted him to pay for the paperwork! I'm trying to be supportive 'cause I love this girl like a sister but I feel like she's being completely dumb about this whole situation.
Her husband got home two nights ago while she was out at her new beau's and not only did he throw out all her birth control ( I mean the guy poked each pill out of it's package and threw the pills away leaving just the holder) but he attempted to destroy her computer. ( lucky for her she know me lol) He threw HER out once he found out about the new guy from her room mate's gf and she didn't say ANYTHING. Once she was ll packed up and moving her stuff out he all asks her to go out for coffee with him so they could talk and they eventually went to the movies too! It was late when they got back last night so she stayed the night and they slept in the same bed (she says nothing happened). I was so mad at her I could spit acid.
What can I do to convince her to just file on him or should I even get involved? She wants to move in and shares all this info with me so I guess she wants my advice ... I've never been married/divorced or even in a long term relationship. Help!!

It sounds like they both have unresolved issues with each other and need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with a counselor's help.

He could be wanting her to stick around so that he can have her as a safety net in case his new relationship doesn't work out. He'll always have her as a back up.

She still needs to know that he wants her and is willing to be there for him when he says "stay". She didn't fall out of love with him, he did.

She was angry and acted out by seeing other men. She may be doing it to "pay" her husband back for having an affair on her. Was it a good move, no. But, she can't take it back. What she can do is decide how she wants the rest of her life to end up.

Does she want to reconcile with her husband? If so, she should suggest counseling and work on it so long as he's willing to work at it as well.

If he's not willing to reconcile and wants to choose this other woman, then she needs to deal with that and come to terms with it. She needs to accept it and move on. He isn't worth the agony and she needs to realize that. I realize it's hard when she's the one who was betrayed. It hurts.

It's like taking a bandaid off.. Slow and easy isn't always the best way. That just prolongs the pain and suffering.

It's only been a few weeks, right? She hasn't even hit all the stages of grief yet.

As her friend, be there for her so that she can talk to you. When she's reached acceptance, she's really going to need you to help her.

CompeNerdie....Vickis advice is sound and theres not much else to say except often in these situations you the friend take her side and give her advice, whether good or not, and she makes a move and then is sorry. Who'll get the blame, YOU will! Even if in some insane instant she takes this man back then you are still the bad guy and she'll probably tell him what you said...Listen, be supportive and stay out of the advice business. Its her marriege, her husband and her problem....Don't make it your own..

A man who would call his wife and tell her over the PHONE that he wants a divorce is a coward and not worth the angst, if you ask me.

Also, just from what you've told us, it sounds as if he didn't want HER, but once he found out someone else did, he DOES. Is that love? Not on your life.

And she started dating just after a few weeks of hearing he wanted out of their marriage, a divorce? That is one heck of a recovery, wouldn't you say?

They both sound immature and like they are playing at marriage, and possibly looking at it as a game.

I'm sorry to sound harsh if I do, but I believe marriage is sacred and cannot be good one day, and totally not the next, and then the next day, it is. That's games. I'm guessing there are serious problems with both of them. Problems that have affected their marriage, or at least their ATTITUDE towards it. Are these people in their 30's perhaps?

My advice to you would be to stay completely out of it. If she goes back to him, and it sounds like she will...she will share anything you've said and guess what? You will end up being the heavy...at least in the hubby's eyes. Then he will probably say, "don't hang out with her...she's a trouble-maker."

JJ

I hope your friend gains enough guts and self-respect to do two things:

1. Get out of the marriage
2. Don't get into a relationship for at least two years.

She should get out of the marriage because guys like this guy don't change without Divine Intervention and lots of counseling and the ultimate dedication not be a louse for the rest of their days. Without these things, they feel that separation entitles them to hook up with those girls who have been "passed around more than a blockbuster movie". There is only one scenario that can ultimately happen: Many years and many other women down the line, potentially infected with Lord knows what, your friend is going to be traded in for a "newer model" that has seemingly less "problems" than she.

She should not get in a relationship for two years so she can figure out what it is about HER that is needing and drawing to herself guys that would disrespect her by cheating on her.

She should also not get in a relationship for two years+ so she can figure out what it is about herself that causes her to think that it is okay for her to pimp herself out as an unpaid prostitute for other men, while disregarding the sanctity of marriage as well as the sanctity of her body and person, and giving up her birthright to be loved, honored and cherished by ONE man for the rest of her life to settle for less than admirable men.

Sounds like she was operating from pain and ego. Probably completely hurt and didn't know what else to do.

You just have to be a friend and listen. That's all she really needs right now. You can't force her to do what she doesn't want to do.

I think she needs time alone. Comp, you are younger than us boomers, right? I'm guessing your friend is too?

She has some self discoveries to work on before she makes another move. Sometimes we get too busy living life and we never take time to consider how we need to live our lives to make ourselves content. I would recommend some intentional quiet time to ponder what she expects in a marriage, from her spouse, and from herself.

This could be a time of self discovery for her that might last a lifetime.

Making mistakes is one thing, growing from and through them is another. It's worth trying to figure it out instead of charging ahead.

He did tell her once he didn't trust my hanging out with her because he says I party too much. I definitely do not.
Even now it appears they are going to stay together but I just don't understand it.

Dotsie: Yes, we're a lil younger.

We can't always understand our friend's choices. We just keep loving them.

However, answer honestly if she asks for your opinion. Sometimes it's good to share another perspective.

I am facing something like that right now. My cousin who has been my best friend as well while growing up is having a problem with her married daughter and keeps asking my advice. The other relatives all think shes a fool and should tell her daughter to take a hike and I do too, big time. The same relatives will talk behind her back but never to her face. I know what she should do and want to tell her so bad BUT kinow her too and am afraid she'd get upset by the truth and pull away because to be truthful I know her well enough to know she doesn't really want the truth....So always be careful offering the truth some people can't handle any truth that doesn't match their own.