A divorced woman once said to me, "Divorce and the holidays. The two don't mix." Do you find this to be true?

My in-laws were divorced and had been for years. They'd also both remarried and divorced again since they were married to one another. Following me? It still made the holidays awkward when they had to be together.

Is it possible to put the past behind for the sake of the present?

Yes, it is possible. I think it all depends on your intentions or where you are "inside."

I am very good friends with my son's dad AND his wife. When they lost their child, I was the first one there. I also have invited them every year to my mom's where we have Thanksgiving and Christmas. When my son was in the hospital this past year, they never left his side, nor did I. My family rallied around us all and my Ex and his wife were included in everything we did (care, meals, etc.). My family treats his wife like a member of the family and we all really admire her AND him.

I think it depends on too, where you are in your life. Are you happy? If so, I believe it transfers to others you are around or "deal with" on a regular basis.

Just my opin...

Sometimes you have to put the past behind you for the sake of
the present. Ex and I divorced just prior to Christmas '79.
I'll never forget how terrible I felt that Holiday. But I've had wonderful holidays since then. Divorce is difficult no what the time of year; it's something I'll never totally get over. But life goes on!

JJ, your last comment hits the nail on the head. My MIL didn't like the fact that my FIL dated young women so it was very hard for her to be around him. He could deal with it and did, but it was tough on her.

jabber, I've read that kids often don't get over it either. SO sad, but so common.

When I lived in Toronto, we did not mix families together for a Christmas/whatever holiday occasion.

I know his children, now adult probably still have this wish their parents be together..since dearie has been asked by children to pose together for the rare photo at his son's wedding or when he sees his grandson. Dearie acquiesces but he wishes his children would not ask for the unnatural poses.

In all honesty, it's easier that we don't mix it up for Christmas, etc. and he prefers it that way because it allows him to chat up with each his son and daughter on his own terms, without distractions of other people around.

I am quite different from his ex. SHe is a pleasant person but even if I were to meet a woman like her under other circumstances, I just can't find much in common with her. So different in orientation and perspective. And it's not because she is a mother since I am close to few women, who are mothers.

orchid, so you basically stay off the scenen when he's with his family, unless his ex isn't around?

My brother is a living example of that. His x-wife lives only 2 blocks from him. They share all the holidays together. My brother says they get along better since they divorced.

I hope and pray my son and his wife will be able to follow that example; for the sake of their daughter.
My brother is flying over for the holidays. He will meet up with my son, and hopefully will be able to influence him in this manner.

I beleive anything is possible but then I'm a bleeding heart and want everything to be smooth going.

When my mother and father were divorced, I tried to treat his new wife and five kids like family for dads sake BUT his new wife was a B-w-i-t-c-h and thats being kind. She didn't want him to have anything to do with us kids for fear he would come in contact with my mother, fat chance she hated him. We lost touch with our father aftrer a time...

For this past Thanksgiving I went to my grandsons home which he shares with my DIL's brother, and my son, her soon to be ex. All were present, were cordial but it was a strained situation at best. I told everyone I was going to Boulder Station for Christmas dinner, and all are invited, ON ME! We'll see who shows up and who doesn't, either way I plan to have a nice quiet, festive, buffet and then play some bingo with a couple of girlfriends... I even called a truce between my ex and myself. So far it is working nicely.

I've only joined in a occasional family dinners or barbecues when it's his ex and her partner is there..plus my partner's children. I am welcome there.

But after all, all of this is....only for his children. It's not for me and certainly not for him, that it has to be mandatory to have his ex there, for him to be with his children. He prefers to chat up and meet with his children without his ex. It's just easier and allows each child (now adult) to focus on the conversation happily without too many other underlying distractions.

HOnest it doesn't interest me much since his ex is such a different woman from myself. Life is short and time grows increasingly precious, Dotsie. When I go to Toronto (where his Ex lives in suburbs), my greatest interest is the family that nurtured me..my family which is pretty big and I so seldom see them now plus my closest long-standing friends.

Each of his adult children thankfully respond to me as they should as mature adults: respectful and interested..as one would be to an older woman ..something like how one would treat a distant aunt...twice removed.

It was emotionally draining in the first year because all of a sudden there was no husband helping prepare for Christmas. The in-laws came and were quite comforting but, they were not my husband nor my children's father.

Thereafter, my battle hymn was that song from My Fair Lady:

"There'll be spring every year without you.
England still will be here without you.
There'll be fruit on the tree.
And a shore by the sea.
There'll be crumpets and tea without you.

Art and music will thrive without you.
Somehow Keats will survive without you.
And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain,
even that will remain without you.
I can do without you.

They can still rule with land without you.
Windsor Castle will stand without you.
And without much ado we can all muddle through without you.

Without your pulling it, the tide comes in
Without your twirling it, the earth can spin
Without your pushing them, the clouds roll by,
If they can do without you, ducky, so can I
I shall not feel alone without you
I can stand on my own without you
I can do bloody well
Without...youuuuuuuuu"

LOL!