Does anyone have advice for someone who has been separated, but won't get divorced due to finances? Don't you think it keeps you dead in your tracks when it comes to beginning a new life?

I don't see how someone could stay with an abuser or cheating spouse simply because of money. My husband was cheating and he actually said at one time that we would get back together for financial reasons. I said I'd live on the street before that would happen.

One of my clients has been in this situation for over 2 years. The problem is very complex, but it has to do with medical insurance (he's covered under her policy) and his unwillingness (inabiity?) to sell their joint home. She's moved out. In this case, she's the one with the income, but would lose too much if they went through the divorce process.

It's coming to a head, however, and I fully anticipate it will end this year. It has definitely kept her dead in her tracks from starting a new life. She's still attached to her husband.

I had to pay my husband a monthly stipend for his portion of the house after we were divorced. When I sold that house, one of the checks I wrote with glee was his final payment.

It's a difficult situation. Does the woman have children? Can she get a lawyer to get her a decent settlement? Can she get a job and support herself? If not, what can she do to move forward to getting a job?

Handling your own finances is part of starting a new life. That means everything from budgeting to handling insurance to living in a place you can afford.

OK, off my soapbox! :-))

It's a safety net for some women. They are worried about another failed relationship and fall back on this as a way to not let it happen.

She may not be ready to admit the marriage is over or she has hopes it will still work out one day. I think finances are an excuse. I left with only a 15 year old car, a dog and a brand new job that did not pay much. It was just a matter of finally making up my mind. Not making a decision IS making a decision; not to have to change.

It's just beating a dead horse. I was separated for three years before the divorce. I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't live that way. I was half in one world and half in another. I didn't fit right in either one. I decided that if we were not going to live like a married couple, then I didn't want to be married. It had nothing to do with abuse or finances, but he did have someone else. I found it hard to move on that way.

I'm not sure what this means : "simply because of money." Money is a complex issue. Money means health insurance or not, gas in the car or not, a phone to call for support or not, clothes to interview for a new job or not, water bill, electric bill, gas bill, heating cooling and showering. I really don't think money is an excuse. It is an actual factual reason for staying in a relationship.

I just heard about a new book (controversial, of course) called the Feminine Mistake. It talks about women giving up careers for raising a family and then women not being finacially independent later in life.

Money is a complex issue, but I also believe that it is not enough of a reason to stay in a bad relationship. If finances are the only reason for staying in this relationship, perhaps digging in deep to find a way to be self-sufficient would be a good first step for this woman. I am sure there are sources out there to help her.

Lenora, I totally hear ya Hon. I'm dealing with the financial fallout of being single.

Anno, this is one of the things I've identified as being a mistake I made. Giving up my life to raise my family.

I've determined that in my next marriage - that I will be a financial partner - not dependant.

danita

I'm not sure the mistake is in giving up our lives to raise our families. There is value in that -- unfortunately, our society doesn't see any monetary value in that.

If we are in a relationship, it's important that everyone understands what's going on -- that there is value in the house work and the raising of children. And that if the marriage disolves for any reason, there is payment of some type for that work. (yes, yes, I know I'm a dreamer...)

It's also important, that as women, we retain a sense of who we are and continue to grow. It's really hard to do in the busyness of raising kids, dealing with husband's careers, etc. But it is so important that we exercise the muscle that says we are independent people and to spend time on ourselves (and not only in shopping and spa treatments) to insure we are growing. Too many women are still uninterested and unaware of family finances, business, and their own interests.

I agree with Anno, that getting her finances in order, developing a budget and getting a plan to get financially free is the first step.