I know I can't be the only one in here dealing with divorce situations during the holidays. It sure complicates things, but I guess we get used to it.

My in-laws are divorced and have been for about 40 years, but my mother-in-law still goes to my father-in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner. It's a good opportunity for her to see all of her grandkids together. It gets very interesting because my father-in-law very often has a date around.

Also, my brother-in-law is divorced and as a result we only get to see his girls briefly because they need to get home and have dinner with their mom.

It all works, but there are times I wish it was one big happy family! Know what I mean?

Oh, what am I saying...it is one big happy family...

Anyone else dealing with these issues during the holidays?

Oh boy can a divorce ever add spice to an otherwise peaceful holiday. Plays havoc with the Hallmark Christmas doesn't it.

I put it to use. Wrote a hilarious Christmas play about it.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

smile

I've been in some pretty awkward situations the last few Christmases due to a brother-in-law's very nasty divorce.

As the token Aussie in the forum, I'd like to ask:
is Thanksgiving a big deal? All I know about it is from movies and TV, we don't have it in Austalia. It seems to me it would be quite exhausting to have two big family events at the end of the year.

Julie, yes it is a big day. Families and friends gather for the biggest feast of the year. My husband refers to it as the biggest eating day of the year...and it is.

Please ask us some questions and we'll answer then for you...

today, the day after Thanksgiving, is referred to as Black Friday because it is the biggest shopping day of the year. Christmas shopping has officially begun. Lots of people are either off, or take off to shop...if you can imagine that.

I have two nephews (husband's side) who are divorced and seeing their kids is right up there with winning the lottery. Especially since they live in Massachusettes. We try to go up a couple times a year and force the divoirced parties to relinquish the kids to the fathers for our stay. The sad part is that I had become very fond of and enjoyed my visits with their spouses who are no longer in the picture. So that side is a mess.

On my side, my sister was divorced about four to five years ago. Our aunt gave us all a cruise out of Baltimore for 4 days and he was included but separated by February of that year and the cruise was in may. he went on the cruise! It was not a big ship and it got even smaller trying to politely deal with all the underlying tensions. I told my sister she was nuts!!!

I've decided that I didn't marry my in laws, I married my husband. After many years of dealing with the holiday nightmare and the inlaw family's bizarre behavior around the holidays, the only good part of being separated is not having to split the holidays, or go to the inlaws where I never wanted to be in the first place. My kids hated the constant bickering and tension around the holiday dinner table and so did I. So now, I can simply not go, not deal with it and my kids are old enough to have a say about where they want to be. If my husband and I reconcile, I'm going to find out if I can still legally divorce his family! Ha!

that's a novel idea fallsforward! I know a lot of couples who just might save themselves alot of grief is they would "divorce" their respective in-laws and do their own thing come seasonal festivities.

yeah I can see the divorce the family thing going off real well in my household. The problem is both me and my husband feel so much guilt when it comes to our families, we don't do enough, we don't see them enough, etc. that it becomes very touchy because we both have this great sense of obligation and responsibility to our parents. If only one of us didn't care about what our parents thought, then we'd be okay (just kidding). It's just something I think most people just suck up and deal.

I bet you do more than enough. I recall feeling this when I was first married too. We lived out of state and felt we had to spend our time off at home with our families, especially every day suring the holidays.

Now I reflect and find it was undue pressure we placed on ourselves.

Hopefully all of your parents are older and wiser and recall being newlyweds. Your priority is now to each other FIRST! You are to leave your parents and CLING to one another.

Finding the balance is tough. Life is a balancing act.

I know you're a thoughtful person and are trying to cover all relationships, but please know we boomers have been there and done that and understand that newlyweds need time to be alone too! Just my two cents....

Love having another generation in here. It helps us see another generation's perspective too.

In my humble opinion, holidays and divorce go together like bare feet and broken glass.

It's not bad enough that Raul has made it clear, with the holidays coming up, that he definitely wants a divorce, but now he's telling me that he wants a divorce immediately upon getting our tax return money in Jan/Feb. His new love has told him she wants to wait an entire year before getting married, having a kid, etc., but he wants to divorce me NOW. Can't seem to deal with the whole concept that I still have his last name, still tell people I'm his wife / he's my husband, that his mom is my mother-in-law.... not that he loves his mom or anything... he just can't deal with being in love with someone else, and being married to me.

Even the monetary savings he would have from being married through 2004 do not sway him. The fact that as a single man, he eill be charged probably 3 times the car insurance rate that a married man would be (she's getting an enormous amount of money back, she hopes, and among other things, she's going to buy a car for the two of them)... and the tax rate he's going to incur on his pay check will also be astronomical as a single man... oh, he doesn't care, he just wants a clean break.

A clean break... but he's OK with me living with them and being supported by them. Tell me that's a clean break. He swears up and down he doesn't hate me, he just needs to move on.

I'm confused. Well, I'm more than confused, I'm devastated. I've spent a night and a day or two crying about it. He swears up and down that even if we are divorced, he's not going to just kick me outonto the street, that he couldn't stand the thought of me being homeless.... but if he's not married to me, he has no legal *obligation* to do anything for me. It's all very frightening, hurtful and confusing. Suicide has been on my mind almost continuously... ironically, he has dreams of *me* hurting *him* or Amy.

I'm no Medea. But I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Hopefully, I will be able to get to some psychiatric care on Monday, and at least make myself better able to cope with it all by controlling my own innate problems at last.

Wish me luck, please.

Lil