I'm including this post in the "Marriage" section because this is about a man with whom I'm planning to marry. We've only been dating for 9 months but both of us are about 49 years old, Christians, and marriage-minded. I've been divorced for 10 years, he for 4 years. So I ask myself, am I being a brat?

Mark is so many things I do want in a man, he's smart, kind, sensitive, hard-working, responsible, a good father, loves his family, and tried his level best to make his 18-year marriage work before she left. We are very active in church and he is very well liked by many people there. So what's the problem?

I'm used to a much more romantic kind of relationship. The kind where the man expresses his admiration and love for me on a very regular basis. Granted, most of my dating relationships have been short, so I guess we never got past that stagem, but frankly I wither a bit for the lack of it. I've told Mark I need him to express his reasons for choosing me more frequently, especially verbally, but he said he has trouble with this. Perhaps it's one of his family values to not be too "conceited" - I don't know. But for the lack of it, I feel unloved and unappreciated, and the sparkle in my eye dims for him. I do not want to give up this kind of romance and indeed, I don't believe I can and actually have a happy marriage.

Here's what I really think. I'm a very competent woman - aren't we all - we women tend to do so much and we're so good at it. Hold down a job, raise the kids, volunteer in our church/community, keep the house clean, continue our education and get to the gym regularly - that's just what we do. But for me, what I need the guy for is exactly that romance I spoke of above. The rest is pretty much do-able on my own. If I have to feel like a sister in my relationship, well, I can feel like a sister with a lot of fellows, including my boss at work. I want the affection, the flirtation, the steady flow of words and actions that say loudly, "you are special, you are my woman, I love you." So am I being a brat?

I hear all the time how hard marriage is. I was married myself for 17 years so I know it is, and that sometimes we have to compromise - but we better know what we can compromise in and what we can't. I'm getting ready to explore further with Mark his struggle with providing me with the romance and affection I need to make this relationship work. The biggest thing I'm trying to do is not be whiney, adolescent or immature. Moreover, I don't want to make him feel like he's "failing", especially because when a man feels like he's already failed, he's unlikely to even try and the sparkle in his eye goes out too.

On another note, I hate the thought of starting over again, especially since we're well mated in many other areas. I would love to make this one work - but the sparkle in my eye is currently not lit enough to show me the way. Am I being a brat?

What you're feeling and experiencing right now will only become worse.

Some men just don't compliment or give out affection. You can't change him. Are you prepared to live like this? It's really an important question.

Sorry you're going through this but to my mind, there are different degrees of being lonely or feeling ignored. In other words, there is a fate much worse than starting over again.

Susanna,

I would say that some men CHOOSE to be like this......

Have you read "his needs her needs"? And have him read it!!! It is a really good book and explains the difference in needs!

I have cultivated my husband into being more appreciative and affectionate...after 20 years, my husband has become more the man that I desire.

I've done it by being verbally appreciative of him, and more affectionate to him (coming up behind him while he is reading he paper - kissing him on the neck)...he has responded to my initiations.

I'm not saying that this would work for all men.

My husband was appreciative and romantic when we were dating - but it started to fade...so I KNEW he had it in him.

I wouldn't want to marry a person who wasn't willing to work on something that was REALLY important to me. Affection and apprecation is critical to most women!

READ THE BOOK! Then have him read it. If he isn't willing to work on things now.....well, you know!

hugs to you sister!

Danita

Susanna:
Well...from the voice of experience of 41 years of marriage......please.......don't get married in the near future.
After going thru three marriage counselors and not getting anywhere with my husband, he informed me if I thought he was going to hold my hand, kiss me hello and goodbye, and tell me he loves me, I could forget it because he wasn't going to do it.
We married at 18 and 21 and realized much later in life we were not in love, married for other reasons. Me to get away from my mother, and he because he was lonely.
My husband has never told me he loves me. Sad, huh?
At 49 years of age, this man will probably not change.
I thought I'd be able to put up with it, but now that I'm coming out of my cocoon, I'm finding I need that physical and mental affection, which I know I will never get.
Could go on and on, but for you, please consider waiting on the marriage until you are comfortable with yourself.
YOU are the one who is going to love you. No one can help you with that. I had to learn that many, many years into my life.
Lynne

How sad. For him. To be wanted only for romance. All the rest you can do on your own. I don't get any sense of a desire for partnership in your post at all. Do him a favor and leave him for someone who won't try to force him into a role he doesn't seem suited for.

I have a lot of marital experience, mostly bad. But one thing I think I've learned is to make 'him' chase 'me.'

I flirt and seduce and tempt, but only to get him to chase me. It's physiology. Chasing causes males to secrete hormones that make the object of their quest absolutely irresistable. That urge will overcome any inhibitions the male may have. I make my husband win and woo me with romantic words and physical affection every day.

And the great thing about a male chasing a female is that it causes the female to secrete hormones that make him irresistable to her too.

God's just smart that way.
smile

Oh Susanna,

when I met DH he was very romantic. Played beautiful songs on CD's and dedicated them to me, got on his knee to propose after two other times I was not ready!

However, he wanted to have premarital sex (we'd both been married twice before but I'd become a Christian after the end of the 2nd divorce). Found out later, he "thought" I was frigid. I said, "If you want to have sex with me, marry me" So, we married after THREE dates. (married nearly 10 years now)

Now, "he's lost that lovin' feeling".

First, we married way too soon. Second, we both "thought" the other one was one way, only to be disappointed AFTER marriage.

I NEEDED romance, and don't have it. He showed romance, but not really into it any longer. I've cried many a tear of this and still do. Also posted my own thread here, too.

If you've known him nine months and still dont' see it, I'd pray about your decision to marry someone you would be unequally yoked with.

Marrying someone in the hopes that you can change them later never works. People are who they are. Inheritently. Deep down they don't change. You are who you are, and he is who he is. If you're unhappy now, you'll be unhappy later.

I agree with Vicki. Don't go into the marriage "hoping" he will change.Especially at that age. I also trust he is not going into the marriage that YOU will change (ie: not needing the "romance" you say) later on.

My DH says many times: "No expectations. Then you will not be disappointed.".

Oh Susanna, If a man is not affectionate and does not show his lust when it comes to his romance for you now, 'before' you get married then forget it ever changing, it will only get less and less with the familarity that comes with marriage. Some men are not demonstrative and never will be. Now if the sex is good then it sounds like with the way you've described him, he is a good catch, just not the gooey mushy type. If not, unless you plan on leading a wanting sex life forget about it! Oh and about nthe brat part, just remember no one is perfect, no one....You can't have it all and anyone who says you can is a dreamer or worse....