I have been asked to post the following to get some feedback for a woman who wishes to remain anonymous:

She is a boomer enjoying the most exciting time of her life. She looks and feels better than when she was raising her two kids. She was a super mom; full-time job, room mom, sports mom, active church member, etc. She rarely slept more than 5 hours a night.

Getting older has been a great relief. Now it's her turn she shouted to everyone that would listen! Now she wants to wear attractive clothes, perfume, jewelry, the works. No more panty hose and Mama hair-dos. She threw away her Tupperware...no more covered dish events.

Here's the rest of the scoop:

She dated and had a wonderful courtship with her hubby. She was and is totally in love with him in every way you could love a man.

He's knowledgable, funny, sweet, kind, talented, industrious...all the qualities a woman looks for in a man and thinks she'll never find.

He has lost interest in sex during the past few years. They have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing worked.

He went to a urologist who suggested surgical implants. Together they poured over the literature and decided it wasn't for them.

Hubby shared in a sweet manner that that he was very sorry and if she chose to be discreet he wouldn't mind her taking other measures, he wouldn't ask questions, he loves her and doesn't want to lose her.

She has remained faithful. She's a Christian. She loves and respects him more than any other man. They compliment each other in every other way.

Men find her attractive and she doesn't know what to do. She does not want her sex life to be over at this stage in her life. She feels too good.

She is beginning to feel like her husband's mother. She really wants to be his wife.

Ladies, this is a very serious and sensitive situation. Please think before responding. I know you always do.

I feel it goes beyond sex. True intimacy can be in holding each other but I also understand her need for fulfillment.

Have they tried a sex therapist? I've never been to one but from what I've heard, they can teach other ways of being sexual beside intercourse. But, if he has no sex drive, he probably isn't interested in that either. Has his testosterone levels been checked? There are creams for that.

The problem with finding it elsewhere when you're in love with your husband is, there is no real joy in it. I feel she might walk away feeling more hurt than before. The respect for her husband would probably be the main problem in that area. This is one reason I could never cheat on my husband...respect for him.

Very complex and sad situation and I'm not sure my words will help her or not but I wanted to try.

Hi Dotsie, this is a complex issue. I wonder what surgical implants would have done? I wonder if they've gone to a sex therapist? I don't care if I never have sex with my husband again. I don't care how attractive I feel. I don't care how many men flirt with me. I would never cheat on my husband. I would find ways to be intimate, ie cuddling, and then use a vibrator to pleasure myself. I'm not sure that your friend's husband is being generous with his offer for her to have affairs. It sounds like a cop out, a resignation. There are too many STDs to consider an affiar healthy. Not to mention the emotional aspects, none of which are productive. LLL

There must be a reason for the man's loss of interest. Hormone levels decline with age and that can lead to lessened ability, but not much of anything seems to lead to lessened interest for men.

Maybe there is more going than meets the eye. Maybe her husband is jealous of her achievements and is witholding sex to achieve power. Or maybe he has placed his wife on a pedestal and cannot accept her as a sexual being. Or perhaps he has subconsciously suppressed his own sexuality in some perverted effort to achieve righteousness. His willingness to share his wife with other men is very worrisome and sounds far from loving to me.
I'm sure she is already in prayer and other than to pray about it, I am totally unqualified to give advice. Surely there is Scripture to cover this, but I don't know what it would be. Maybe this woman can speak in confidence to her minister or perhaps to a minister at another church? Some churches have marriage retreats that I have heard return the passion and magic to marriages.
I wish her the best, but I'm at a loss.
smile

Here's an excellent workshop she might consider:

http://www.healingisachoice.com/

And some reading resources:

https://my.newlife.com/cgi-bin/cart/catalog.pl/54810336655806099156099?major=Relationships&minor=Marriage%2FDivorce

I'm sorry she is going through this now. Perhaps it is his testosterone levels, but it could very well be, as 'smile' put it, a form of control. Marriage counseling would be their best bet. It sounds as if they need it, because a sound marriage partner would not suggest his wife go outside of the marriage to meet her sexual needs. There's also the possibility that he's depressed.

I pray they get help.

If this husband has tried all the quick fix pills and they haven't worked and does not want to risk implants then he probably does have a real problem. Personally I could and would never cheat on my husband even with his permission. I suggest your blooming butterfly put the shoe on the other foot. What if it were her with a disease or disorder? Would she feel right telling him to go find a friend elsewhere. I know you said to be kind and I will but it soundes to me like she is deserting the sinking ship. There are many many ways for a man to pleasure a woman or even for her to pleasure herself but from what you said it sounds more like she isn't thinking of anything here but herself, her needs, her loss, her looks, her this and her that. In all honesty if this were a man doing this to his wife of many years we would be all over him for it...I see no difference here, wrong is wrong! Does she not remember the part that goes: "for better or for worse?"

This post has bothered me. I'm mot sure why. Something is not as it appears.

The husband could be encouraging her to stray to justify his own infidelity. Maybe he is disinterested in his wife because he has other sexual interests outside the marriage.

He is telling her to sell her soul rather than expect him to meet her needs. And he an meet her needs. As several women have observed, he can give her physical release in a number of loving ways other than intercourse. And he would, if his love was true.

It all sounds a little 'off' to me. There is more to the story.
smile

I feel that Mr and Mrs X(no pun intended) need to re-discuss their option - having the "surgical implants." The reward is worth the risk.

Quote from Dotsie "Men find her attractive and she doesn't know what to do. She does not want her sex life to be over at this stage in her life. She feels too good."
She is not alone - men find women attractive, period.Making Love is for those who love each other and Love will find a way.

Mrs X could go without rather than step out, yes, but Mr X could truly be feeling guilty and gives her this choice, hoping she'll never take it.

The art of lovemaking takes place in many forms and there is no reason why his loving hands cannot satisfy her, they just need to get creative and/or read up on it.

Quote from Dotsie "She is beginning to feel like her husband's mother. She really wants to be his wife."
This doesn't seem to have anything to do with lovemaking only. If I am right, you can throw my opinion out the window. It does not apply.

I wish Mr X could give his side of the story. Hard to discuss this situation without it.
Keep us updated.
chick

chick

Here's a quote from the email. I believe I can share the exact quote without revealing who it might be.

"Went to see a urologist who suggested surgical implants. After we poured over the pamphlets together, we decided that these options would not work for us. Pumping up an implant is NOT how I plan to spend the my most exciting sexual years. He is fearful of the operations available and told me he'd rather not have any unless I REQUIRE it...he further stated in his sweet manner how sorry he is for this, and that if I choose to take other measures - well, if' I'd be discreet, he wouldn't ask any questions...he loves me and doesn't want to lose me."

My two cents:
I believe there are other ways to please one another. I recommend finding a good sex therapist. I can't imagine sleeping with another man for sex only. How can you do that and not become involved? I think the emotional side would be so hurtful. I feel badly for both of you. Your husband must feel like a failure. That's so sad. And from the tone of your email, I don't think you would be happy if you were unfaithful to him. I pray you will remain faithful and seek guidance.

My ex had a problem in this area and when tested, his testosterone levels were way below the needed mark to even think about sex. He was given cream and it helped but lifestyle has to be considered too. I believe he's a Christian, right? But he still might not live a healthy life and with aging it catches up with you.

I once dated a Urologist and he showed me videos of the implant surgery. Hardly any blood but they did pump up the implants and wrap them in gauze and dressings and left them that way for two weeks. Stop laughing Chatty!

I'm with the others here. There is more to this story. If he's a Christian, he would never say it's okay to be with another man because that is adultery no matter what. I think there is some selfishness going on here for his part or he'd take care of the problem. There is cuddling, oral sex and a ton of other ways to please his wife. But once again, if he has no sex drive, he may not even feel like doing that. Where there is a will, there is a way.

I want to add that I'm really sorry she's going through this and I know she's confused and probably not feeling very pretty or sexy about herself. Been there.