I love my MIL dearly...but, she did something today that has me extremely upset with her. Her next to the youngest daughter, Robin (44) is a crack head and a schitzophrenic (sorry if I did not spell that correctly). Mom uses Robin's mental illness to excuse her behavior and Robin's behavior has been known to be very hateful and abusive. We've talked to mom about this until we're blue in the face with no results so we gave up months ago on that issue. Two years or so ago mom borrowed 5 DVD's from me and Larry and Robin took them and sold them to buy drugs. She replaced one but not the rest. I have not let Robin come to family gatherings or visits in MY home due to her drug use and the people she associates with. There's nothing I can do if Mom wants to allow Robin to hang around her and stay in her home (which she does 90% of the time despite having an apartment of her own). Mom brought Robin to our house about a month ago and I told mom the next day that we did not want Robin to come over due to her drug use. Mom pouted a few days but got over it. I thought everything was clear until today. Mom needed Larry to look at her car and she arrives with Robin...they both walk in like it was normal as could be. Mom was more talkative than normal and perhaps the expression on my face gave away my frustration with her ignoring our request. I thought to myself that I would let Larry handle this later with his mom. When mom left with Robin I told Larry I was upset with his mom and why and Larry, knowing full well what we'd agreed upon before said, "Oh, I thought you meant Robin could not come over on major holidays, not for simple visits." What?????!!!!
The truth is Larry doesn't want to deal with this issue with his Mom. Larry had to go to work and we did not get to discuss it...probably good thing cuz I am upset with him for copping the attitude he has concerning this issue.
This has been a pattern throughout our relationship concerning major, unpleasant issues with his family...he wants to put his head in the sand and I have to force him back out to face reality. Remember the tractor incident? The truck issue? Drives me nuts!! It ends up making me the bad guy because I'm the one who is put in the position to push the issues so they'll get resolved or at least known.
Any words of wisdom? Larry and I are going to calmly talk about this tomorrow and I need some good advice. At the moment I'm just pissed off.

Oh dear, that is a sticky situation.

I couldn’t stand one of my husband’s brothers. But I never thought of forbidding him to come visit, because he was family. ( meanwhile he passed away.)

I suppose if I had demanded that, my husband would have complied, but I wonder if I would have wanted to be, as you called it, the “bad” guy. By not allowing Robin to come to your house, you are risking getting labelled as such, instead of that label remaining on Robin.

Are you afraid she might steal something? How often do you think she would come visit if you allowed it?

I understand about your husband avoiding dealing with the issue. Mine does the same thing about a lot of things. Kind of like...........if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away. I end up being the bad guy lots of times too, and I don't enjoy it.

Not defending his avoiding the issue, but he is kind of stuck in a not-so-great position, between his wife on one side and his mom and sister on the other. And yea,while I think he should stick by you (especially if he agreed that Robin was not allowed at your house -- did he go along with that? the reason I'm asking is because in your post you said "I have not let Robin come to MY home" and well, it's his home too, so I'm wondering if he agreed that she would not be allowed to visit) on the other hand he probably just wants to keep peace with his Mom, too. And mostly he's probably just hoping it'll all go away and he won't have to deal with it.

You said maybe your face gave away your frustration - did MIL say something to let you know that she KNEW she'd gone against your wishes? Is she hoping that if she brings Robin aroud, even though you've said you don't want her there, you'll change your mind? Or is it more of a "we don't care what you want, we're doing what we want" kind of attitude?

Would there be any point in talking to your MIL and asking her (calmly) why she brought Robin with her even though you've said you don't want her at your home, or is that just going to turn into a big arguement?



My husband's from a big family and over the years there have been a few that I would rather not have in my house. I've never actually put my foot down and said they were not allowed to come here (although I would have liked to!) but luckily they don't come around much. And pretty much the ones I really don't want here, he doesn't want around either as they'll steal anything that isn't nailed down.

I think you pretty much got it when you said he doesn't want to deal with it. I wouldn't expect that to change a whole lot.

Sorry.....wish I had some good advice to offer........these are just my thoughts after reading your post.

Oh, Dee, this all is such a shame for everyone concerned. Robin is old enough to know better, but most likely she will never change. If she is schizophrenic, she most likely does not have the internal resources to change. The drugs are a whole other issue, however, and for that reason alone, I can understand your not wanting her in your home.

However (don't you hate that word), I have to wonder how much success you will have trying to keep her out of your home. It seems she wants to be with you and Larry at times. Maybe she sees stability? Love? Hope?

I have had in-laws that I really do not like, not one bit, in my past lives. A few did steal from me, and others were just obnoxious drunks that could ruin a family gathering without even trying. I would get so angry and waste lots of energy on keeping that anger alive. In retrospect it was not worth the time or energy.

Since you asked, and only because you asked, I would suggest lifting the sentence for a while. Perhaps you and Larry could come up with some guidelines for her visits - short, limited, small gatherings, with mom, or something that everyone can agree upon. Then share these with mom and Robin and stick to your guidelines.

Sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but they are just my thoughts.

Don't know if I have any advice. But I do understand. My hubby puts his head in the sand, most of the time. It is impossible to have an indepth conversation with the man.
He says nothing and, I guess, hopes situations will resolve themselves. MIL uses hubby's love 4 her, against his love 4 me. I think, she thinks she has more power over him than I do. Whatever! People with drug problems and emotional problems play all sorts of head games! I'll ask God 2 help U with this 1! Some of the rest of us, R in similar boats.
So don't feel alone.
Prayers and blessings...

P.S. Concentrate on "The Hunks" good points! A lot of men cannot express their feelings, worth a hill of beans!

Thanks for the words of wishes and wisdom...I appreciate it.
Robin's drug use began when she was 14. I've known her for 5 years and in that time she's stolen from us, stolen from her Mother, broken in and stolen from her grandmother, sells her body for drugs with anyone, pawns items from her Mother, has started bringing around a really, really bad guy who is as deep into drugs as she is and manipulates people, especially her Mother, to get what she wants.
On the flip side...there's a really sweet side to Robin, but for the most part, Robin is demanding, pushes her Mother around, curses her in the most vile way, brings drug people into Mom's home and THIS is why we (not just me) want nothing to do with Robin in our own home. When I say MY home I'm including Larry as well.

I spoke with my SIL last night and she said Mom (her Mother, my MIL) had called her saying she thinks she upset me yesterday...(do you think?). She told my SIL that if we don't want Robin up at our place then we need to tell her ourselves...she wasn't going to do it. (I agree with that). What I don't agree with and didn't like was her knowing we'd asked her NOT to bring Robin up here and her doing it anyway. She could have called us to let us know Robin forced herself on Mom when she knew she was coming to our home.
If my MIL told me she didn't want a member of my family in her home because they were dope addicts (none are, thank God) there's no way I'd force them on her...never, ever, ever. I would not disrespect her or her home by doing that.
When larry got home last night I told him what his mom had told Shirley and told him I was disappointed that he copped out on our agreement about Robin being in our home.
Robin hangs with some very sleezy, scary, desperate drug addicts who are known of some pretty scary things. I do not want that entering OUR home.
Part of the reason my MIL and Larry cave so easily with Robin or anyone who walks on them is they hate confrontation of any kind. Larry is even worse than his Mother.
He did call his Mother this morning and tell her that she was out of line bringing Robin up here when she knew we didn't want her in our home...and he explained that we are afraid Robin will steal from us, tell her drug friends where we live and them show up here the way they show up at Mom's house.
Then he spoke with Robin. He told her that he loved her but as long as she's a drug user that she's not invited to come to our home. He told her when she become drug free then she'll be welcome with open arms but he conveyed his concerns about who she hangs out with and that he doesn't want those people thinking they can come here, too.
Let me make this perfectly clear...Robin is probably the most self-centered person on the planet...and I'm not saying that to be hateful or mean. From birth she got everything she ever wanted, she did what she wanted, she treated people how she wanted to get what she wanted and today add that attitude with the very serious drugs she does...it makes for a situation that I do now want brought into mine and Larry's home.
After Larry got off the phone he was in tears...I held him and told him I was proud of him...I know how hard tough love is (ask my younger son)...but, sometimes doing the right thing is damn hard. I know how hard it is to tell people you love they can't do this or that because of their destructive behavior...but, what is the alternative? Allow her to show up here with this guy she hangs out with who is physically abusive, crazy on drugs, capable of doing who knows what and say it's okay because she's my SIL?
She won't go to rehab. She won't stop using. She won't stop any of this...and that's her choice. It's my choice not to allow that into my and Larry's home.
If Larry is upset with me then I guess he's upset with me. It won't be the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. The last thing I want is to go to my front door and see this drugged out crazy man friend of Robins standing there with a gun (which they have). People on drugs do desperate things and family or not there has to be a line drawn.
If my MIL wants 50 drug addicts in her home, that's her business, but she has no right to bring them here, forcing them into our home just because Robin loves her brother. I loved my dad but he was a child molester...I had to walk away from him because of it. I learned that just because they're family doesn't mean you have to let them emotionally blackmail you into accepting their destructive behaviors.
If Larry's family wants to lable me as the bad guy, then I can live with that. I'd rather live with that than a bunch of doped up people coming and going, stealing from us and ruining the peace and quiet Larry and I have finally found in our lives.
If people want to screw up their lives using dope then they can do it elsewhere, not in my home.
THAT's tough love.

Crossstitch..when it comes to Robin, my MIL has absolutely no backbone concerning her daughter. She's molded this behavior into her daughter since birth and I guess she thinks the rest of us needs to put up with it, too. My SIL told me last night that her Mom told her that Robin would always come first...always...and that Larry and she would lose if they ever tried to come between them. I find that absolutely shocking to tell your child...another reason I'm not going to allow Mom to start pushing Robin in on us...she does not have that right and it's wrong to put her other children in that situation. I have taken a few steps back in how I look at my MIL now...I guess the rose colored glasses are finally off and I see more clearly now. Shirley told me I would never win when it comes to mom and Robin...I wasn't trying to win anything...I just wanted Mom to respect our wishes in our own home. In my opinion, she disrespected her son and me and I'm looking at her in a different light now...I've really got to do some praying on this one.

Dee
could you say directly to Robin..."I will ban you if you step out of line..take anything or disrespect your brother or me while in my home"
in front of her mother and your husband.

why shilly shallie? This puts the behaviour back to her..

The red face and cold sweat I know you will feel will pass and really isn't a big deal when she has been a thief.Taking what was yours.

Just looking at pictures of Larry he is a gentle man.He may feel uncomforable so tell him you are going to speak openly to Robin and not behind closed doors since MIL did not respect your wishes.
No need to have big rows.If it helps pretend it is class where you are the teacher and those you are speaking to students.Claim your power..
You deserve to be treated like the lady you are.
Love Mountain ash

Mountain Ash...you're so sweet...yes, Larry is the sweetest guy and has a very tender heart...he hates hurting anyone's feelings and that has allowed people to walk on him and me. It's nothing person against Robin...it's against her drug use and behavior. I've seen Robin at work. A year ago Mom put her foot down about Robin bringing her drug friends into Mom's house...now, because Robin is so good at manipulation and mom's inability to say 'no' to Robin, Artie not only comes and goes but sits down and dines with them...he's known for beating the crap out of his own Mother and although I've enver met the man (and never plan on doing so)...I don't want Robin to get the idea in her head that...hey...I'm able to visit my brother...Artie...let's go visit Larry and Dee....No way...is not going to happen.
This cannot be allowed because Robin will try to take advantage of us and our home...I've seen her do it with her mom and I do not want to go there in our home.
I'm avoiding a much bigger problem that would happen down the road if we allow Robin to come in. Ya'll just have to trust me on this one.
Thank you, MA for saying I'm a lady...I sure didn't feel like it last night when I was so upset...I've calmed down today and Larry stepping up to the plate and speaking to his mom and Robin has helped that a lot. I'm proud of him...I know it was hard and he cried about it...but, maybe it will have some kind of an affect on Robin's drug use...maybe is she sees how her family members are backing away from her...perhaps she'll stop using drugs.
Thanks, Mountain Ash for your words of support...I really need them right now.
Hugs Hugs Hugs

Anne...thank you for your words of support...unless you've lived with it/through it, you just don't know the impact this has on people's lives. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the support. I needed that.