I have been thinking about separating from my husband for quite some time now. I was waiting for the kids to leave for college and that has finally happened. I have been unhappy for a long time but decided that the kids had to come first. The problem is that my husband doesn't seem to have a clue that I am so miserable despite repeated conversations. I think he will be shocked when I tell him I want a separation. I don't know how to handle the whole situation. Any Advice?

Mtnstr52, First of all, welcome to the site! I hope you'll come over to the Welcome forum and introduce yourself there too.

I'm no expert in this field at all, except that I was in the same place a few years ago. The first thing that has to be asked is: Do you still love him? Enough to work it out if he agrees? If not, then that's your answer. If so, then there are options.

A few years ago, I was going through a massive breakdown and could barely function. My marriage was on the rocks. Although my hubby was/is one of the most wonderful men in the world, I was emotionally starving and had totally lost myself through years of "subjecting myself" to his domineering, somewhat controlling (but never abusive) way of doing things. I knew that no matter how much we loved each other, I simply could not survive in the marriage unless things changed drastically.

One day, I sat him down at the kitchen table and point-blank told him that unless he was willing to work with me to change this marriage, I would not be able to stay. He knew I still loved him deeply, but was very serious...that I was on the verge of walking out that door and never coming back.

It's been a long road, and we're still not fully there in terms of my emotional needs being met, but as tough as the journey has been, it's been worth it hanging in there. He's changing, growing, evolving, as am I, and we're meeting each other half way most of the time now, negotiating ways and attitudes where both of us come out "winning" what we need and want out of this marriage.

However, it would never have been possible without the love that still kindled between us. That's the only glue that's been able to keep me from walking out the door many times. Without love, there really is no reason to stay, and no foundation on which to rebuild.

There are so many other wise women here. Hopefully more will chime in with their experiences and insights.

Thank you and yes I will go to the welcome forum
As far as my marriage..... I don't think I love him anymore. He too was controlling and many of my dreams were never supported. It was always his way. He travelled a lot and I raised the kids myself. Now we are in tremendous financial straits because he decided he wanted to start his own business. No thought to what it would do to the family just about fulling his dream.I just think that with the past and the financial pressure I want out

EagleHeart

These words really spoke to me today. So True!
I know it is time for me to go...again.

"Without love, there really is no reason to stay, and no foundation on which to rebuild."

Mtnstr,
I was in your place15 years ago. When I heard him talk about our wonderful marriage to all his business associates I wondered who he was talking about- it wasn't any marriage I was in!I Just told him one Friday when he found an account I had hidden that I was leaving- we screamed and yelled- my teenaged kids freaked out because for years I didn't even care enough to fight with him.
I left- worked two jobs- got nothing material but my car and my clothes but I got my life and my self respect and my power
I met the love of my life soon after- of course my ex said I had been cheating- even managed to turn my dad against me but you know 23 days after I was divorced I married that man and found out fairy tales do come true!
Good luck, girl-make sure this is the right decision for you then don't look back!!!

Hello Mtnstr.......

I feel your pain. I call this the "in between" stage. Not being happy where your at now.....yet uncertain as to what the future will bring. That's the scarey part.

I wish we all had a crystal ball that would tell us exactly what's going to happen in the future. I.E. what will take place......and when. But if we did, there would be no surprises in this world.

Our life is a journey. And fulfilling our life is our own obligation.

We have only OURSELVES to thank for everything that we have accomplished.

Someone once told me to follow our hearts......but use our minds. That's why we have both.

So true!

Good luck to you!

Teresa

Theresa

Thank you

Sound words of advice

mtnstr52

I encourage you to read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Chapman before you make a hard decision. It is a quick read and I think will give new insight on why we feel empty emotionally even with the ones we love. Why don't we feel fulfilled?

The reading is very simple and the concept is very simple but the salvaging of the marriage is not easy-simple concept-hard work. But you are worth it. Read the book then decide.

I have no attachment to Dr. Chapman. I was given this book and am now just completing it. If you do decide to read it, I would be interested in knowing your thoughts.

Lynn

thank you Lynn

I will pick it up and give you some feedback

I am leaving for vacation tomorrow I'll see if I can find it before I go

In a nutshell: LIFE IS TOO SHORT and it sounds like you've wasted enough of yours already. If you don't make a move now one day you're apt to look back and say, where did my life go, why wasn't I happy, its the one thing we never get a second chanceto do over, live our life. We get but one and this is not practice, this is it, all she wrote...I hope your choices from now on are for you alone, be happy.