Thanks to each of you who took the time to respond to my Valentines Day post. My hubby came home on Sunday, (2/21) and it took me until Wednesday to get up the courage to talk to him honestly about all I was feeling. The conversation started out with him being quite defensive. Comments like "I did not realize I was such a shi**y husband, and I didn't know you were so horribly miserable." However, by the time our talk was over about 6 hours later, we had come to a meeting of the minds. We were able to discuss many issues that have been under the surface for a long time. I think it will be a long time healing, but he is willing to try and work on it. I count that as a real blessing. He has gone to Oklahoma for a week right now, then on to Lousiana for 3 more weeks. We have talked on the phone everyday and he took the letter I wrote (trying to explain all my feelings) with him to ponder further. With both of us trying, we can regain our past happiness. This has been a very hard period of time for us. He lost his job of 19 years last August, our son got married (to a woman who was pregnant with someone elses baby), I wrecked my van, and with his new job he travels all the time right now! Plus, we have to move all the way to Houston (not my favorite city in Texas). Lots of changes in a short time! We have finished the repairs to our home and it is finally on the market officially as of March 1. We hope we can sell it. About 3 years ago we took the equity in it, refinanced and paid off all our bills except cars and the mortgage. So, this means we have to get top dollar for the house in order to just break even. At the time we refinanced, we had no idea the job would go and so would all our carefully laid plans. Thanks again for your prayers and helpful advice. I appreciate each and every one of you!

Mrsmuzz, the fact that you took 6 hours AND wrote a letter is remarkable. I commend you for all your efforts.

Also, change is hard. You are smart to recognize it and meet it face to face.

You didn't mention the feelings for the other man. Maybe simply recognizing those feelings is what caused you to examine your marriage in a different light.

Praying your marriage grows stronger and your house sells at top dollar! Good to hear from you!

[ March 03, 2004, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Hi Dotsie,

You are right, I did not mention my feelings about the other man in my post. My husband and I did talk about it and part of my letter dealt with those feelings. Unfortunately, even though I have dealt with the communication issues with my husband, I continue to have fantasies about this other person. I am trying to deal with it by reading what I can find that has been written on the subject. It is a very unusual situation as nothing like this has ever happened to me before. One of my best friends attributes it to "middle age" crisis Ha Ha! Maybe I am subconsciously trying to prove that I am still attractive to the opposite sex? Any ideas out there ladies for books or articles to read?

Maybe the key word here is "fantasies"?

Who among us has not daydreamed about another life? Try and work out what emotional need you are filling by these fantasies, and how you could do something in your real life to meet that unfulfilled need. it probably isn't really to do with the other person, at all...

Dr Phil

MsMuzz, your marriage is certainly in a very dangerous place. Maybe you are hungry for intimacy. Not just physical intimacy, but emotional and spiritual intimacy as well. It's such a strong human need and it sounds like your husband has not been available to you for that until recently.

If you choose to remain with your marriage, you will have to manage the fantasies. If the man of your fantaisies is unmarried and interested in you, the situation may be very difficult. But maybe you can regain control if you continue to be open with your husband and maybe get some counseling. Secrecy seems to be a big part of the lure of an affair.

If you have a church, maybe you could speak to the preacher. If you do not have a church now might be a good time to get one.

Either way, I'm sure we'll be here.
smile

I recall that mrsmuzz did talk to her priest/minister, right? Prayer helps, but be honest when you pray. He knows your thoughts already anyway!

I thinkyou're on the right track. I say contemplate WHY the fantasies. If it's the need for intimacy, or the desire to feel attractive to another person, let your husband know your needs. He sounds like the type that will work with you. That's a huge step. If you can be honest with him about all of this and he chooses to meet your needs...voila! Keep up the good work.

The reason for the fantasies is important. I had forgotten the need for reassurance of sexual attractiveness.
At this point I'm only fantasizing about my husband, but I do experience a more intense hormonal rush in response to male attention at this weirdo this age than ever before.
Maybe some natural midlife hormonal change that occurs when our child-bearing days are coming to an end that causes all these midlife crisis affairs, etc.
Interesting.
smile

You're right. "Couldn't help the affair, it's my hormones" is a pretty lame excuse for an affair, but hormones are certainly an influence.

I somehow got the idea that Msmuzz and her husband had not been physically initmate for a while. Physical intimacy (sex) is such an important part of a marriage. It affects us on many levels, hormonal being one. Reassurance of physical attractiveness being another. Feeling Physically attractive is not just a minor feeling that can be induced by a compliment. It's phisiological too. There is lots of evidence that it is hormonal in origin.

As we age, and our hormones are all going nuts they can influence us to do things we would not rationally consider. Maybe if we are aware of those influences we can better prepare for the onslaught.

Love the typos.

smile

[ March 09, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

I have hotmones too.