I know lots of 20-somethings whose parents are still paying for cell phones, car insurance, health insurance and other incidentals. We are at the point where it's time to cut the financial strings with our oldesssst son who just graduated from college in May. I do not think we are doing him any service by continuing to pay for these things. Maybe the cell phone because it's a family plan, but other than that, I think it's time to step up to the plate.

Thoughts? Do you help your 20-somethings with their finances?

My son will be 21 in January. He moved out last fall to live with friends, then he moved out from there and into an apartment with his girlfriend, then she moved out and he's trying to pay for everything himself.

He chose not to go to college (aargh!) so when he lived at home he was working and we had him pay his own car insurance and a couple of hundred dollars a month in rent. Then he got a job with Sprint and started paying his own cell phone bill.

So once he moved out, he was already used to paying lots toward his own upkeep. However, he now is thinking about getting a second job because he bought an expensive car and has that payment plus high insurance rates due to a bad ticket he received last year.

It's very difficult for me to not send money every month to help him out. But once he bought his car (a 2000 BMW with just 70,000 miles ) I figured he needed to learn on his own. I mean, geeze, even I don't have a BMW! What was he thinking?

I did just buy him a suit for his upcoming job interviews - he's applied to be on the LAPD force. And if I come up with extra money, sometimes I'll send him a little - but I've told him not to count on it.

Dotsie, my best friend is going through that with her daughter right now. It's tough, isn't it? But they have to learn sometime. If he's working, he needs to be on his own. If he hasn't found a job yet, I'd give him a deadline.

Good luck!!
Kathy

I say love them enough to cut the strings. I'm not saying (please don't send me hate mail) that you shouldn't ever pay or help your child...I'm the poster child for SAP OF THE YEAR AWARD, so don't misunderstand me. What I am saying is that you have to think in terms of "what if you weren't around?" Or Dad? Or both?

Helping them to become self-sufficient is part of being a parent, to me. It teaches them more than just how to handle money, it also instills pride, confidence, and integrity.

When my boys moved out, I told them both one day that the bank was closed. I explained to both of them how I had devoted my entire life to their health and happiness, now its my turn. They agreed. With maybe one or two exceptions, they've never asked me for anything.

At first it bothered me to the point that I would (I know, I'm stupid) go to them and say, "don't you need something? anything?" They would just laugh.

Now I realize how fortunate I am that they are on their own and earning a good living.

I say, cut the ties, burn the ends, whatever it takes.

I'm sincerely bewildered here..I know enough parents who who happily help their adult child(ren) to become self-sufficient.

For major events in their lives, it's great to give a little --if one can(ie. suit for job interview is a great gesture, etc.).

But that's all.

Hi, Dotsie: Does your son have income to sufficiently cover personal expenses? If he does, then perhaps you can safely transfer the obligation towards those. Where income may be insufficient, prematurely severing financial support for the heavier costs e.g. car, health/medical insurance, could incur financial hardships for your son just when he is trying to gain a foothold.

When my son graduated from college, his diploma was not a guarantee of independence. Income was, and the diploma was only a tool towards that. My son continued to stay at home even after he secured employment. I was happy for him to do that as firstly, he was saving for his first home and he wanted to do that without having to purchase with a mortgage. Secondly (and selfishly perhaps), it staved off the empty nest phase in my life, even just for a short while. However, when my son found employment, he gradually assumed all payments for his personal costs even whilst with me except for his car insurance, which I paid for another year. But, that was because I had given him the car as a graduation present and car insurance in this country is quite a hefty sum even for those who could readily afford it. And, as mobility was one other tool into finding a job, I could not prematurely shift that obligation until he could easily afford it. As my son teased me, I could have given him a pen for graduation instead.

At the end of the day, it really depends on individual circumstances of the children, i.e. income, and plans for the future against your own financial capabilities. Then, as parents, we continually walk alongside them to help from time to time in any way that we can.

He is on the brink of getting a full time job. My hope is that he will be able to pay his way and we will then do things similar to what Kathy is doing. I would like my kids to be able to take care of their own finances after college graduation, and then we could help them with whatever we choose.

I think lots of kid today are living above their means while their parents are STILL paying for their car insurance, phones, etc.

Lola, I think our son is going to live at home and save money for a while. I don't mind at all. I think it's a great idea. How can you save when you are paying hundreds of dollars in rent, plus all the other expenses of living alone. I don't know how the kids can ever get ahead unless they take advantage of living at home to save.

It is so funny that I am reading this post tonight. I just had the money talk with my 20 yr old son last night. He will be starting his junior year in college and has moved off campus into an apartment. We compared the cost of living off campus to living on and figured out the difference. He will have a small part time job on campus, and has worked the entire summer. He made good money. I have never paid his car insurance, but I do pay his cell since it is on the family plan. For the first time I get the sense that he is getting a grip on managing money, but he has a long way to go. He loves to spend! My daughter who is 17 is the complete opposite. She saves everything and already has acquired a nice little nest egg. I think she motivates him. I am hoping he stays on schedule and graduates in 4 years....so far so good. Sometimes it is so difficult to teach lessons. Last year I let him go broke...down to $25 in his checking account because he was not managing his money. I think it helped. He is also responsible for paying for his books and play money, and he takes a Stafford loan each year. I pay his tuition, room and board and clothing and of course his medical expenses. He pays for his gas, I pay for car maintenance. I was a single parent for many years and have two kids to educate so they both know they need to kick in where they can. I don't know what will happen when he graduates....I will cross that bridge when I get to it.