Hi Everybody -- I need some help in reaching closure with a situation that has left me very confused. I have never had an experience like this, and I hope that your comments will help me learn something from this.

Last year, I met a guy through my hiking club. He has been divorced for about 5 years after a 40-year marriage. I have been divorced for 16 years after a 28-year marriage. I later invited him to join my cycling group. Since we are both retired, he started asking me to hike and cycle one-on-one, and we did this several times a week for over a year, and had so much fun. We frequently spent all day together. Sometimes he would come back to my house for a sandwich on the deck, and sometimes he invited me to lunch and would pay for it (although I always offered to pay). I figured we were just friends having fun doing these activities, and if it turned into something else, we would have a solid friendship to build on. We both would ask each other to do these things, and it was a comfortable, casual thing.

Then a few months ago, he brought me home from a bike ride and kissed me in the driveway (I was totally shocked because there was NOTHING leading up to this, except a hug now and then). He didn't say a word to me, left me standing there, got in his car and drove off. I heard nothing from him for 6 weeks. I WAS NOT GOING TO CONTACT HIM AFTER THIS - I FELT THE BALL WAS IN HIS COURT. In the meantime I sprained my ankle and was not hiking with the group. He sent me a Christmas card (which I did not respond to), and then he starts emailing me wanting to know why I had not been hiking. I told him about the ankle. I asked him why he had done what he did, and that not hearing from him for 6 weeks was hurtful since we had been having so much fun together. He said he was just getting too close to me. THEN HE SAID "IT WAS NOT LIKE WE WERE DATING". He then went on in detail to tell me the museums he would like to go to, the places he would like to cycle, and traveling to hike in various areas, and I was the one he wanted to do these things with, but if we did these things then he would be "DATING' me, and I would expect to have a relationship. I told him that we should just keep things the way they were, but I slowely stopped asking him to do these things. I felt like he was really BSing me when I found out he was on three dating websites, where he had lied about his age. The sad thing is that we really had a lot of fun together, and I never put any pressure on him to "date" me.

I also learned from two women I occasionally hike with that before he and I started doing things together, he had "dated" them. Both of their stories were almost identical. A couple hikes, a ballgame or movie, no intimacy, and then bam - the "clean sheets and toothbrush" routine. They both told him to get lost and neither will date him again.

I feel lucky that we did not get involved with each other, but I still continue to feel sad because we had so much fun together and could just pick up and go because we are both retired. It appears he is not the person I thought he was. We no longer do one-on-one things, but he is still in the hiking and cycling group and I see him frequently and we are both friendly with each other. He continues to be on the dating sites (I have a hidden profile), but it appears he has not found another woman to do the things I did with him. He frequently drops "hints" about doing this ride or that and that we should get together and train for a ride, but I don't respond to this.

I am trying to learn something from this, but I'm not sure what it is. I do know that I have "taken care of myself" in this situation. Maybe what I am learning is that I am emotionally healthy, not what I have always been.

Cyclinggal, you sound very emotionally healthy to me! I'm no expert about relationships, but I think you're handling this in a way that respects YOU and draws a good, healthy line at what you're willing to accept from this guy. Though I'm not a huge fan, one thing that Dr Phil always says that makes sense is that we teach others how to treat us. I would say that you're doing exactly that with this guy and probably saving yourself from getting even more hurt by this guy further down the road (when he conveniently finds his next gal-pal).

I don't know if being emotionally healthy helps to ease the sting, or even perhaps that little yearning to know what 'could have been' with this guy, but I take great inspiration and courage from your example of being true to yourself. Who needs a guy like this anyway? I fear that in this case, what you see could be what you would be getting.

Cyclinggal,

I think Eagleheart made a good point in that you are emotionally healthy. I wouldn't put any "closure" on this though. It could be that HE is terrified. What happened he might have done by acting on his impulses and now he's afraid. I'd just leave him alone but if you run into him in public or he contacts you in some way, would ACT AS IF...as if nothing were different, as if nothing were wrong, as if nothing were bothering me. Just keep him at ease if you are in his presence. Don't even mention the topic...keep him at ease for a bit.

Just out of past experience, I can almost bet that once he's "over" this, you'll hear from him again. I don't think he's doing anything to toy with you or hurt you intentionally. I have met a couple of men like this. While I moved on, they re-appeared in my life. Too late for them LOL, but who knows how it will come to be for you. Sounds like this guy was very interested in your friendship and enjoyed it but to take it to another level of intimacy was a huge gamble on his part knowing he might lose the friendship if a dating or intimate relationship went sour.

Thank you so much Eagle Heart and Keyholes for your interest and comments. You both had good points to consider, and I appreciate your taking the time to reply to me. I continue to hike and cycle with him in the groups we are in, but have no interest in going "back there". I read through my post several times, and realize that I just needed to vent my sadness and move on. Unfortunately I have no way of knowing if he was terrified or just playing me. But, in any event, he has lost the friendship.

Hopefully I will meet someone else who shares my passions and values and is capable of real intimacy.

Maybe things like this shouldn't be over analyzed. Instead, just live for the moment.
If he said he wants to do all those activities with you, I say go for it. You might be disapointed, but then again, maybe not. At least you are living...

Remember these lyrics?

"What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret."

Do the words Emotional cripple ring a bell? Well they should because he is showing all the signs. This a guy to date casually if YOU choose to, but not rely on for anything longlasting or permanent. He' been burned, kicked to the curb and probably with good reaqson but either way, there he'll stay playing the field...

Hi Chatty Lady -- I think you are so right. Part of it probably stems from his mother dying when he was eight years old and his father was not around much. He lived with his aunt, whom he said was not very affectionate, but he knew she loved him. In any case, I know he is not dating material.

Thanks for your insight.

He said he wanted to do the activities but could not because that would be "dating" me. He can find someone else to non-date because it won't be me. I deserve better.

I appreciate your comments.

Hi CyclingGal

Congratulations to you for taking a look at what happened and deciding what is right for you and what you want out of a relationship. I 100% agree with your comment "I deserve better". You do, and it is out there if you decide you want to go for it. I think it is much healthier for you to decide this now and to take a stand for you. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, or pull at your heartstrings, 'cuz it most certainly does.

As someone who used to attract every darned emotional cripple on the block (because I thought I could "fix" them...geez Louise, how arrogant is that?), I know there is a balance to "understanding" the why and taking a stand for yourself.

You took an amazing stand for yourself and made a choice to process what you were feeling and move on. That, to me, is the definition of emotionally healthy!!!!!!!!

P.S. Oh, and I love your statement "he can find someone else to non-date"...that gave me the biggest laugh ever.