I've been dating my high school boyfriend now for two years. We reconnected and have resumed our relationship after almost 30 years. He's a great guy for the most part. I'm wondering if I notice red flags, or if I am just being over cautious due to my abusive marriage.

Here goes: He is generous (buys me gifts for no reason), kind, considerate and adores me, that is the good part.
What bothers me is this, he sometimes tends to treat me like one of the teens he coaches. He coaches football and has for many years. He tends to be somewhat bossy. Example. The other night my daughter turned her cell phone off. She was supposed to check in after going out and then staying at a friends for a sleep over. I was getting a little angry as I couldn't reach her and was venting. He says, my daughter is not allowed to have sleep overs so I don't have these problems. Then my daughter was discussing that she wanted to change high schools this year. My take on it was she should do some research before school starts. She felt her current school lacked rules and she wanted a more strict environment as she needs that. He said, why don't you just tell her she has to stay where she is, I wouldn't give my daughter a choice. Obviously we have raised our kids differently. His kids go to private school, get whatever they want etc. Mine get little as I'm a single parent and just get by. My boyfriend leads a very different lifestyle. He also tends to brag about things, not alot but sometimes and it bugs me. He can be full of himself at times.

Am I being too judgemental stressing about little things instead of focusing on the positives. He is a big guy, former football player and is used to getting his way. He acknowledges that I like to get my way too and we joke about this. He is also a sweetheart but his personality can really get on my nerves at times.

He wants us to be together in a 1 1/2 years when his kids finish high school. We live 3,000 miles away so if we want this to grow one of us will have to move. I'm hoping it will be him and it's leaning that way. I'm afraid though as what if he gets out here and I can't live with him.

Just some thoughts I'm having. Do you think these issues are red flags? I am sure there are things about me that bug him too. I am a fairly lenient parent, he tends to be quite controlling and expects his kids to do what he says. I try to let mine have a say in things unless of course it's not safe. The good thing is our kids are teens and we won't really be sharing parenting as when we do get together, if we do, mine will be older teens. His will be 18.
Kate

Kate, all I can say is I wish I had taken those red flags seriously, before I got married. Those irritating traits never go away. Infact they usually get worse the older one gets. But then again, I never met anyone without faults. From what you have described, would you consider these terrible faults? Sounds to me that he just has another disciplining view, which isn't really a fault.

I knew before I married my husband that he can be a hot head. I chose to ignore that trait, because he had so many other good ones. Now, I would prefer him having less of those good traits and a more amiable character. But when I think about all the boyfriends I had, there wasn't one without faults, and I suppose I have some character traits that are irritating as well.

You know that saying "nobody is perfect….guess I'm perfect"…oh well.......Woops!..I mean I'm nobody."

I think the one TRUEISM ever young girl and young boy should be taught by their parents is that:

YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE THE OTHER PERSON, NEVER!!

so what you see in the first place is what you're gonna get, forever more...

Kate, after reading what you wrote, I saw a huge red flag. You said he is controlling. My ex was like that. At first, he just had strong opinions. That progressed to being more and more controlling. In the end, I had no friends and no life because he wouldn't allow me to have them. He hardly ever was physically abusive, but he was abusive verbally, emotionally, and sexually. He treated me, sometimes, like I was a child and didn't know anything. He would also bring me flowers and gifts for no reason. At the time, I didn't know what was going on, but looking back on it, the signs were there and I chose to ignore them. If I tried to argue with him, he berated me even more, belittled me until I doubted my own self. Not a good way to live.

yonuh, I saw the same red flag. Kate, seriously consider if he controls you and how you act when you are with him. Do you behave to for his approval, or can you be yourself.

Hannelore makes a great point. There are no perfect people, so be sure you can live with his faults. You may even consider listing what you believe to be his faults and then seriously think about them for some time and see if you can stand living with them.

Kate, I dated a coach a couple of years ago and ended it because: 1. He tried to coach me, telling what color lipstick he liked, he didn't like me wearing makeup. 2. I don't like professional sports and had too much of that with husband#1. He was ALL ABOUT sports - it was #1 over EVERYTHING else. 3. He was very condenscending towards my job, my house, my anything. 4. He said relationships were ALL AbOUT COMPROMISE. And he did compromise, but it was half-hearted and I went away knowing he didn't enjoy it, and was simply a way to get what he wanted - a team mom.

Kate, perhaps you could self-coach yourself out of the relationship? Doesn't seem very altruistic.

I sincerly feel that if you have to ask(what we think) then you have doubts yourself.
You daughter didn't do a big crime and if the grounding is exercised then who does she have.Presumably you have been close and daughters need mothers after the teens.There isn't a cut off point.
To move home and change everything things should be "Green Flag"
Mouuntain ash

I replied earlier today but I guess it didn't work.
You responses are interesting, most of you saying to leave the relationship. I didn't think that what I said was that bad but I did want your feedback and I got it.

I was married to a controlling, abusive man for 15 years and have been single for ten years. My current boyfriend is not controlling in an abusive way, nor does he have a temper. He is a very sweet person, kind, generous and has coached kids sports for 20 years on a volunteer basis. I admire that. What he is, is a jock, he likes to be in charge but when I tell him to cut it out, he does. He is a big strong guy, and likes to act like he's in charge but if you don't go along with him he backs down. He is in no way abusive. I would never go there again.

Yes, Chatty your right about not being able to change anyone. I learned this the hard way. But I did learn the lesson. My boyfriend can be annoying and because I can't change him, I have to either accept his ways, or not.

The reason for the 1 1/2 years is because that is when his kids are finished high school. He said he would move out to where I live but wants to wait until his kids are away at college. Either of us could be in a hurry and move like so many people do to be together but I don't want to find out after the fact that we don't get along. Neither of us wants to jump in and see what happens. It's too much of a risk. So far in the last two years we have never had a problem, always have a good time. I am just concerned as these are not long visits (a week) and you can't tell everything about a person when your relationship is long distant. Only seeing each other for short periods of time is not realistic. I know that.

Dotsie, I do not seek his approval. I am totally myself when I am with him and I like that I can be free to do or say whatever I want. I walked on egg shells with my ex. I guess I used the word controlling when what I meant was annoying personality traits.

I mean that he is an in your face kind of guy, wants to know what your doing. Some might just say he is just interested in me and my life. I think it's so he will feel closer to me because of the distance. He calls me everyday, I think that's a bit much. But if he misses a day, then that bugs me. What a fickle person :-)

When he trys to act like a mentor it gets on my nerves. He has been a real estate agent for over 20 years and trys to give me advice. He has also been a personal trainer and suggests exercises etc. I think I have a little chip on my shoulder due to insecurities and take him the wrong way sometimes. One of my girlfriends told me that I don't take advice at all. She said when she suggests something to me my body language says that I don't like it. That's true. She says she is just offering her opinion and I can take it or leave it. I act like she is trying to get me to do what she wants me to do. She has a point. I think I react the same way with him. When he makes suggestions I take it that he is trying to control me.

Having been on my own for 10 years raising three kids and being the boss, I don't like someone sticking there nose in even if they are trying to be helpful.

I guess as we get closer I am starting to panic as I can't imagine being with someone full time. What if I don't want him around one night when I have pms. What if he gets on my nerves etc. What will I do, how will I escape. I will have to have him in my bed everynight even when I don't feel like it.

Am I trying to sabbatoge this relationship? Maybe.
I may just be starting to take off the rose coloured glasses. I now realize he has faults and annoying tendencies and this is causing me to have some concerns.
God, I need this like a whole in the head :-)
Kate

It sounds like you have a reasonably good relationship with your daughter. Don't allow anyone else to alter the good spirit of it.

It is wise that he wishes to wait before relocating.

Have you asked him if he sees anything in your relationship that needs readjustment when both of you live together?

He sounds like a guy who has been successful financially in his life...and with good intentions, feels "his" way has some validity.

What is his response about the situation concerning your son who is in a shelter now..because that matter is very dear to your heart..

It would be a bit different if he worked with people including those who were in great need/help.

But everyone else here is right: YOu cannot change him.

What do you do which you know genuinely he is weak/not as knowledgeable or has indicated he has much to learn from you?

One indicator how I assessed guys was their willingness of learning and growing something from me and vice versa long term to make a relationship work well and make it grow.

How do you want the relationship to grow? If it's going to mean stifling your decision-making as a person that needs to grow ...you need to think hard what you want now and after your children get older and are no longer around.