Hi, Boomers,
I'm reluctant to post about this here, after the response I had with my last thread. (I'm not communicating with the Maine fella, btw!, LOL!)

My grade school/high school/college and beyond old flame visited here in WV for the second time in one month. He went off to Harvard after leaving the coalfields of WV where we grew up together, encouraging each other to pursue our educations. He is a mediation lawyer for labor groups now, and had a hearing down here. A rare opportunity to see an old friend/flame! I have seen him now three times in 30 years. The first meeting, I met his lovely wife, who generously left us alone together for dinner and visit. During this last visit, which I was actually dreading because it dredges up so much emotion in me. These last two visits, during which he was here without wife, I've told him, despite our mutual love and feelings of attraction, I intended to behave as if his wife were present. During our last evening together, after dinner out, he cried for most of an hour here at my house, expressing emotion and desire for me like no other man has or ever will, I'm sure. I remained strong and somewhat detached! I did!, though I do love him. What point is there in acting out irrationally, then living with the consequences of heartache? I'm glad I remained strong, not acting out in some irresponsible way.
He even stated that he will try to find more work down here in my area! He's so intelligent, sexy and attractive. No other man could attract me and elicit such emotions. I'm left feeling a void, almost wishing I had gone ahead, ya know. But my 8 years since divorce have been filled with heartache and I'm better off alone, not extending myself.
Upon his arrival back home, I rec'd an email reflecting upon our visit lovingly, while at the same time mentioning wife happily baking cookies, being funny. Whew! Where would I be now if I had acted on my emotions?
ARI

Okay, in love I'm going to say this. Like I used to, I think you somehow attract and are attracted to men who aren't necessarily nice.

If a married man said and did the things this man said, I'd want to vomit. A nice man doesn't plan or try to find ways to connect with old girlfriends and cheat, even if it's just emotionally.

So my dear friend, I want to encourage you to seek therapy and find the deep rooted feelings, which are probably not nice, to discover why you would continue to communicate with a man like this.

Yes, you have a history with him but how would you feel if you were in his wife's shoes? How would you like your husband to say these things and then, continue to communicate via e-mail? No, you didn't act on your feelings but I'm reading between the lines here and something just ain't kosher about it all.

Thanks, Dianne, and yes, you are probably right.
I do know if I were married to such a man, I'd be very uncomfortable and anxious about it. He describes both himself and his wife as keeping in touch with old loves, seeing them. Very confusing to me.
Thanks,
Ari

ariadne, he mentioned his wife happily baking cookies while reflecting upon your visit. I smell more than cookies. Kids maybe? Or maybe a coverup in case "poor, dear wife" accidently finds the email. He's married, He's off limits...he's selfish...he's a jerk. If he really "CARED" about anyone besides himself,he wouldn't be acting like the jerk that he is... behind his wife's back and right in front of your face..
When he cuts ties and I mean cuts ties with his family...are you going to be there to pick up the pieces...and live a miserable life with someone you could never trust anyway.
Ariadne...you yourself said it best anyway when you said

quote:

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" But my 8 years since divorce have been filled with heartache and I'm better off alone, not extending myself."

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In this case hun, I believe you are right.
I may seem cold here, but I have your best interest at heart, sister. Hang til you meet your soulmate...you know...the one that will love "you" forever.
chick

Wow, this is a huge can of worms.

To think that he put on that display and put you in the position of being "the strong one" shows so much lack of consideration on his part. Ditto with the email, sent from his happy home with his wife baking cookies, while you're at home still thinking about him.

Think for a moment, what if you did hook up with him? Could you live with a man like that, knowing how he acted without his wife around? If you were the wife waiting at home while he was traveling, would you always be wondering if he was seeing someone else?

I'm no expert and have my own struggles from time to time as you all know. But I'd tell this one "it's been nice seeing you again, but I don't think we need to see each other or have any more contact."

Even if you only see him when his wife is around (which probably wouldn't happen very often), or just communicate by email, your feelings and emotions are going to stay stirred up. And if you did get involved with him, it would be even worse every time he'd leave to go back home. At least that's what it would do to me.

Unless you want to be his "out of town distraction" stop this before it goes any further.

There are good ones out there, who are free to get into a real relationship. We just need to keep looking. Good luck....

Whirlwind

OK, I've read the other replies that were posted while I was typing mine.

If he and his wife both "see" and communicate with "old loves" they might have an open marriage.

If/when we get into a relationship, we deserve men who are going to treat us with love and respect, men who are committed to US and nobody else.

I know this is hard, but it will get easier as time goes by. Be strong.

WW

Meeting a soulmate, Chickadee...I doubt that will happen.
But I appreciate your clarity in helping me work thru this. A jerk? I don't know, but off limits, definitely.
We've been emailing for years now, alternately receiving loving messages from him while mentioning the wife also.
I gotta get a life!
ARI

ariadne... I'm sorry about saying he's a jerk. I shouldn't have said that. I apologize.I am here for you. I don't think he's your soulmate that's for sure. You know this won't end up anywhere, I can tell.
chick

If he's not a jerk, he sure does have some emotional and character problems.

Does he say he's getting a divorce? Actually, I still wouldn't see him again, because he'd be likely to do the same thing again with another woman.

Daisygirl

I am hearing such wise responses here.

You know, just in the past couple of days in surveying my youth with this man, really growing up together, reaching our young adulthood around the time of the end of the Vietnam war, I recall sensing I would be hurt by him, and we drifted apart.

In his conversations this past weekend, he stated he didn't want to be tied to someone who restricted him from seeing people he loved and cared for. Apparently, he is married to a woman who trusts him, or who accepts him. I do know, if I were his wife, I'd be very anxious under the same circumstances.

It is good to finally come to terms with this after all of these years. I can let it go now without wondering, or longing to hear from him via emails.

Thanks all of you for the caring responses.
ARI