Hello all,

Sorry I haven't been here in a while...life has been catching up to me.

I am now dating a 45-year-old man who lives in Arizona. He is sweet and gentle and low-key, not like my hyper, competitive ex-boyfriend. He comes out here from time to time, most recently for my 40th birthday last weekend. I really hope that we have a great future together.

But I think he's depressed. He hasn't had a job in 5 months, and he says he feels unmotivated and not sure what to do next. (I don't think the brutal Arizona heat helps his energy level, either.) He is afraid that things are going to get worse for him before they get better. He thinks that people won't want to hire him because they can take one look at him and see that he's a "flake." Plus, his family is not supportive at all, despite his being the only one who has a college education.

I told him that I would stand by him, that he deserves everything good that life can offer. I have sent him positive e-cards and will mail him a box of self-help books.

What else can I do for him? Realistically, I know that I can only do so much; he will need to do most of the work himself. He says he doesn't want to take drugs (I don't blame him) or go to therapy, and we are both agnostic so religion won't help.

Thanks for "listening".

Hi Jenniemouse, nice to see you here again. I was reading your post and have several questions, which I hope you don't mind answering. How long have you been dating your boyfriend? He hasn't worked in 5 months, how is he supporting himself and what is his profession? Has he been married and/or does he have children? How did he the funds to travel to see you?
You are right, you can only do so much. A man at age 45 realizing his situation as you mentioned, needs to plan some kind of direction for himself. If he doesn't want to seek medical attention or professional help, and considers himself a "flake" as you put it, want does "he" want to do? Jenniemouse, you are agnostic, so what do you use as your guide in life? What about your boyfriend?
I know, too many questions but it is difficult to answer your post without more information, at least for me.
I wish you both the best and hope you work things out. Please keep us posted. We missed you.
chick

Red flags went up for me as I am such a care-taker in relationships and have stayed away from men for so long because of this. I don't have enough info either but really there is nothing that you can do for him. Don't take this on. At 45 he should have some goals/direction. That said anyone can find themselves unemployed and it can get depressing. Sending him positive emails is a great idea but I wouldn't do anymore than that. He needs to figure things out for himself.

DANGER - WARNING - DANGER! Red flags is right, good Lord talk about just begging for trouble. Unless you are prepared to be the caretaker of this man and his apparently non existant self esteem, DO NOT please get yourself involved any further than sending him happy emails and books. This is one I may qualify as an expert in and honey believe me it won't, it don't get any better. He is looking for a crutch and being a crutch gets old real fast. I married my very nice, quiet, sweet sad sack loser thinkng I could help make him stronger and more self confident, after all if I loved him he would eventually love himself, WRONG!!!
Find a normal man one with something to offer. We women at times are so dumb wse think we have to nurture the planet, well I'm here to tell you, it too hard a job. You may be agnostic but at least believe in yourself, your happiness, all you've gained in life and get on with it. Some would say there are no lost causes but I am here to tell you they're so wrong...Luck and happiness I wish for you and that you find someone worth your goodness...

Oh dear Jennie, he is responsible for his own well being, and you are responsible ONLY for yours. If he has a college education, then why can't (won't?) he get a job. You would like support, and I don't know how to support you in supporting him. He is denying himself all of the ways that have proven to me to be the best ways to rise from the depths of depression: therapy, meds, and a belief in a higher power. Today you may say the heat doesn't help him much, tomorrow it may be something else. All the books in the world won't help unless the reader is ready to 1) soak up the message 2) take action for himself. I wish you lots of love and light. Lynn

To chickadee:

I have been e-mailing him since April, and first met him in May. He's living on his savings for now (and he's worried that they will run out soon). He has never married, and has no children. He drives out here in his vehicle (I make him home-cooked meals to save money).

I have been unemployed for long periods of time, and I have been fatigued and lacking direction, too. I feel empathy for him. I would like to be the kind of friend/support I wish I'd had back then. When I talk to him again, I will see if he's feeling better. Maybe he was just especially low that night.

Hi Jennie, yes, most of us have suffered from fatique and/or debilitating depression. So yes we would have empathy and compassion. And healthy relationships can raise us up instead of bringing us down. Dr. Phil says we can either contaminate a relationship or contribut to it. I hope that something good will come to him to raise his self-esteem and confidence. LLL

Being out of work can really hurt a man physically and emotionally. It makes them feel useless. The male ego thing. And, it's becoming more difficult to find work with all of the mergers and job cutting going on. I hope his search comes to a successful end soon.

I owned a personnel agency during the terrible oil bust of the eighties. Women were equally or even more often unemployed, but always had worthwhile work - home and family.
The men, however, were simply devastated. And if it went on for any length of time, they often became depressed. Many never recovered.

It was worse after midlife when finding a job is almost impossible anyway. The only solution is to find a job and strangely your friend's education can be a deterrent. Companies may not hire him for management because he is older and labor will view him as over qualified.

Maybe he can go to a temp service just to go to work. It will help until he can find something better and it will get him out of the house. Simply being employed will help him find the right thing and even more important, it will be great for his depression, especially if it involves physical exertion.

Praying for you both.
smile