Tell me what you think:

A befuddled generation of boomer men

By Steve Penner


Many years ago, perhaps a few million or so, around the time when man began to walk upright, "dating" consisted primarily of a man bonking a woman over the head with his club and dragging her into his cave.

And "marriage" (or whatever grunt-like term was used back then) involved men hunting and fishing for food, while women spent their waking hours cleaning the cave, tending the fire, washing animal skins, watching the kids, and waiting for hubby to come home so she could cook the family dinner. (Except for the kids, it sounds like a typical episode of "Survivor," doesn't it?)

While dating evolved quite a bit over the eons, the "marriage" part pretty much stayed the same, until, oh, about the 1970s!

Yes, the decade of the '70s was a tumultuous time of change for men and women, as gender roles were in the midst of a tremendous upheaval. Inspired in part by the 1963 publication of Betty Freidan's "The Feminine Mystique" and the birth of Ms. Magazine in 1971, many female baby boomers were burning their bras and untying their apron strings. They did not want to just stay at home and cook, clean, and do the laundry. They wanted to pursue careers and (to use a colloquial phrase of the day) "do their own thing."

Some male boomers went right along with these changes in traditional gender roles. After all, the women's movement of the 1960s and 1970s was a natural progression from the civil rights and anti-war movements. Those guys who strongly identified with the "counterculture generation" readily rejected all types of stereotypes.

But many other boomer men, especially those who were already married at the time, were caught totally off-guard. After all, most boomer guys were raised by mothers who were stay-at-home housewives.

Being members of the first generation to grow up in front of television sets, as young boys and teenagers they watched June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, Harriet Nelson, Donna (Reed) Stone and Laura Petrie play happy, contented housewives all agreeing that "father knows best." Even Carol Brady chose to be a stay-at-home mom, although Alice the housekeeper was always around to cook, clean, shop and lend child-rearing advice.

(Okay, Lucy did desperately want a career in show biz, but that was portrayed as part of her overall "wackiness." Normal Ethel was quite content to stay home.)

So, many men who got married during the 1960s and 1970s found themselves caught up in a tidal wave of change. It was one thing to protest the war in Vietnam or to strongly agree that African-Americans should not have to sit in the back of the bus. Those events were occurring hundreds and thousands of miles away.

But at home, when their wives told them to fold their own underwear and share the other household chores, some boomer men were taken aback. And when the "little woman" (interesting phrase you don't hear much anymore) who had majored in college in home economics or ancient Greek literature announced she wanted to return to school or pursue a career, many husbands were truly befuddled.

As a result many marriages collapsed. According to U.S. Census reports, the divorce rate skyrocketed 250 percent between 1960 and 1980! Were married couples in the 1950s any happier? Not necessarily, but men and women just accepted their societal pre-ordained roles. Couples stayed together, because, well, that's what couples did during the "Eisenhower years" and actually for centuries before.

In 1982, shortly after getting divorced myself, I started my dating service. Throughout the 1980s I interviewed hundreds of recently divorced boomer men. Many were almost shell-shocked. They never dreamed that they would ever find themselves single and having to start dating again.

Gradually I saw men's attitudes toward working women begin to evolve, albeit somewhat slowly. I stopped hearing such statements as "No wife of mine will ever work" or "I don't know why women can't just be happy staying home."

Yes, divorced boomer men decided that they were ready to meet women with careers. But their strong preference was to meet women in "traditional" female, nurturing jobs. In a Boston Globe article published in 1989, I was quoted as saying that "the easiest-to-match woman is a nurse or a teacher — The perception is that they are bright — but not hardened." I noted there was very little demand for corporate vice presidents or lawyers.

Eventually, men began to adjust to women having careers, and the divorce rate began to drop. Having peaked in the years from 1979-1983, it slowly returned to previous levels. Believe it or not, by 2004 the divorce rate was exactly the same as it was in 1972.

But the poor divorced boomer men had been caught in the middle of a revolutionary change. Of course, the women's movement advanced and flourished over time, and today women hold jobs in all fields. I recently read that women actually outnumber men in law schools throughout the country.

What I find most fascinating are the attitudes of young men today, many of whom are the children of those failed boomer marriages. When interviewing guys, who are now in their 20s and early 30s, I discovered a majority actually stated they strongly preferred meeting educated women.

In another Boston Globe article, this one published in 2002, I was quoted as reporting that younger men now say, "I'm looking for women who are professional and somewhat independent."

Yes, a young June Cleaver might have to go out and get a job if she wanted to find a husband today.

Steve Penner was owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of single men and women from all over New England. "The Truth About Dating" reflects insights and observations based upon his experience. Steve welcomes feedback at pennerst@hotmail.com or through his Web site at www.thetruthaboutdating.com.


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I think it's very true. It's as if he's describing my brother ( 53 years old).
He's not describing my husband. He was born before the boomer generation, so there is a difference.
And he is describing my sons, who have both married career women.

My husband was raised like I was. The man went to work and the woman took care of the house and kids. We've been together 30 years, and for so many of those I never asked him for help (and he never offered) even though I was also working. I became resentful from time to time, and he never even knew that I felt that way. Everything was just going as "expected".

It was so ingrained in me that I HAD to do those things or I wasn't a good wife. Now he offers occassionally, and I ask for his help more frequently. He normally complies, but I still get that "Am I a controlling wife?" feeling when I ask him to help out. I feel guilty that I don't do more, since he is the major breadwinner.

I will say that he has always been a fantastic supporter, financially, and has never ever questioned my job choices or my business ventures or my nights and weekends with "the girls". While he supports me emotionally, he doesn't always support me with chores and such.

He kind of has the attitude that it is my choice to take on more work so why should he do more because of the choices I made. And I kind of see his point. If he all the sudden decided to work weekends on some new venture, he wouldn't expect me to pick up his slack on the yard work, I guess.

It should be a simple matter of good communication, but we don't have the best of that around here. He's not one to talk about his feelings, heaven forbid! I still find it difficult to discuss problem issues - even after 30 years! He has such a knack at turning it all around so it's my fault, so many times I just feel it isn't even worth the effort.

Oh my gosh, you all didn't know you'd be my marriage counselors now, did you?

Okay, someone else spill their gut so I don't feel so alone here.... Or are you all married to saints?

Kathy

When many Boomer mens wives not only go back to work but become extremely successful, these poor men look like deer caught in the headlights of a speeding automobile. Some step aside and thus survive, others stand firm and perish!
Whether male or female one has to go with the flow.

My husband was NOT raised that way...he was the youngest of 15 children, his father died when he was only 2 years old, leaving his mother with 15 children to raise in a very cold, northern Quebec town in the days before there was any such thing as welfare or any kind of social safety net. (And they certainly didn't have a TV, and even those lucky enough to have one would not have had access to the English TV shows that we watched.) His mother became a midwife and was away delivering babies and other medical services to the surrounding Indian reserves - sometimes gone for several days at a time. On top of her own 15 children, she was also raising cousins and eventually grandchildren.

So my husband learned from an early age to do chores and help with cooking/cleaning. And that became even more ingrained in him when he became a firefighter/fire chief (they're famous for their cooking, aren't they?!)

So he came fully trained, and does more housework and cooking than I do. When I was working full-time, he did ALL of the cooking and housework. Now I have to fight to be "allowed" to do my fair share. It's just so second-nature to him to do what needs to be done around the house that he just doesn't even think twice about doing it, whether it be cooking meals, ironing clothes, or vacuuming the floors. The only thing he won't do is dust - they never had "knick-knacks" or anything to dust when he was growing up, so that's the one thing he wasn't trained to do! LOL.

I think it's how one is raised...I've been married more than once...my first husband was very domineering and ruled our marriage with an iron fist. He fought tooth and nail my wanting to go to work...at times I wish I hadn't. My current husband is sweet and endearing and the opposite of husband number one. I am retired and could go back to work if I choose, but he lets me decide. He firmly believes the man is the one to support our household but doesn't boss me around or think he owns me because of it. My two son want career women...one wants children and the other does not. I think times dictate that both partners work unless there is one making a very good living. My step-daughter-in-law has a child under 12 months and is pregnant with her 2nd...she wants to return to college for her masters degree after her second child because she says she doesn't feel challenged...hmmm...she might change her mind after giving birth to her second one. I don't know how her husband feels about her staying home or working...but, how does one afford child care these days?

I love this site, because, as Kathy put it: so many of you "spill your guts".

Dear Kathy, You sound like a saint. Actually You sound like my mother. She had the same attitude, - he's the breadwinner, so I have no right to ask him to help me. - As long as a woman has that attitude, I don't believe any man will help more than necessary.

I wonder, Kathy, if your business skyrocketed, and you'd earn more than your Hubby, if you still would feel guilty if you asked him to help you more?

The first half of our marriage, I was like you. Hubby was the breadwinner, and I had my household and garden responsibilities. I hardly ever thought of asking my husband to help me out. After all, I thought… he has enough to do. But then I started my own business. It turned out to become a success beyond my dreams. I earned at least 5 times more than what my husband ever earned. Crazy, heh?

What happened? Well, it all evolved by itself. Hubby wanted to help more in the household, so I would have more time to work. Now that my husband is retired, he has completely taken over the household, while I work in the office, (and spend lots of time writing you ladies posts. That's our secret, right?).

What I'm trying to say is, give all you can for your business, Kathy. If you do well, then you get more respect, and feeling guilty is a word of the past. Being able to show your financial independence is sometimes the only way a man will wake up and see you as a whole person.
It's sad, but I think it's true.

This thread reminded me of my father. He is 82 now, so definitly part of the generation where women stayed home, cooked, cleaned and raised the kids. When all of us kids were well into grade school, he encouraged my mother to go to college. She spent 5 years in school, they hired a housekeeper to come in once a week.

He now does all of the laundry and vacuuming and shares in the cooking and clean up. He doesn't dust however (never met a man that could see dust!).

Dennis does not like cleaning, but he cooks once a week and does the dishes more than half of the time. He is repsonsible for one bathroom and I am responsible for the other. I dust, he vacuums. I take care of the backyard (mostly my garden) and he takes care of the rest of the yardwork.

There are times both of us feel like we are doing more than our share, but in reality, it is quite 50-50.

Kathy didn't believe me when I said she's a saint.

My father died 4 years ago at the age of 90. He and my mother came from a time when dads took care of the family financially and moms took care of the family at home. That was considered equal work then. When I was a teenager, Mom went to work part time because she wanted her own money and to get out of the house. Dad was okay with it because it made her happy (don't get the idea this was a perfect household).

I am single now. Married and divorced so long ago it feels like another lifetime. I worked and my husband (3/4 American Indian) broke horses, rode in rodeos, and played pool. When he gained a little too much weight to break colts, he put me on them. You ask why I divorced him? I was only 18 when we married (give me a break) and there's more to the story about why we married. The only time he ever hit me was when I asked for a divorce. Sure, then he joined the Army and became the best he could be! HA! Some days I envy all you married gals and some days I don't. It seems the men I find aren't fully formed until I leave them or they leave me...

You broke colts Saundra? Now if you can break a colt, then there must be a man out there that you can break in.