my daughter is 15. She has been late for school the past week. She doesn't like her courses this term as they don't challenge her. She had all the difficult courses first term.
This morning I told her if she was late she could not go out after school.
She was late.

When I came home from work she wasn't home. She called from downtown and said she was shopping. Just got her first pay cheque from her new part time job.
I told her what the deal was and she was to come home, she said no not now. I got frustrated as I was at my parents and told her to call me back at home. She did. She said she has a date tonight and can't she be grounded another night.
I said not an option. She had to hang up and said she would call me back. I'm stumped here, if I say no will she defy me? probably. I don't want to give in but it is a power struggle here and no one will win.
Any suggestions, hopefully before her next call. Wishful thinking I know.
Kate

Hang tough, you will lose all control if she sees she can dominate you. When my 16 year old son gave me grief and it became a constant power struggle. I stood firm and finally kicked him out, thats right....Several days later he came home saying he was sorry and that he wanted to come home and behave and adhere to the rules.(was I terrified for him, YES!) I think he found it scary, cold and lonely out there. No refrigerator, warm bed or clean clothes either. We have gotten along well ever since he came back and still do today. He is my best buddy.

Thanks Chatty. I told her to call me back as she was using a phone card and it ran out. She said she was going to a movie and I said she had to come home. So far, she has not called me back.
I agree that I have to hang tough but not easy at this point as I can't reach her.
My daughter is a good kid, only had a couple of incidents in the past two years. I guess she is really testing me tonight as she wants to do what she wants to do no matter what I say. She has chosen to get her way by not calling me back.
Now, I will have to come up with some consequences for this.
It appears that telling her to stay home doesn't work. I am stuck as to what consequences to impose.
Kate

Kate, I don't think you should let your daughter away with this at all. She is 15 years old, much, much too young to be making up her mind to ignore your wishes and stay out. She is a good kid and this is when you have to re-inforce your rules. She'll come around. If you allow tonight to go without incident, she may get the message that she can get away with it again. I remember the days with my daughters. Tough love it...I'd say.

Kate, I basically agree with the above comments.

The only thing where I have a problem with is grounding kids at that age. I think it stirs up more problems then the original problem.

You probably have done this all ready, but I'll suggest it anyway. I think you have better chances to change your daughter's tardiness with a plain heart to heart talk. Don't talk down to her, talk to her as if she were an adult. Don't wine or say how disappointed you are in her. Instead, first agree with her that you can understand if the classes are boring. Promise her you will look into it, and see if you can upgrade her curriculum. Don't fall in the role of the enemy, be her partner and helper. Tell her you don't want any grief with the school authorities and for them to meet her wishes, she has to first comply with the rules.

If there is no possibility to get your daughter in more challenging classes, then try it with praise, and that she should use the opportunity to shine in these classes if they are so easy and undemanding.

Visit colleges with her over a weekend, and show her that this can be her future is she does her best in school. I know that motivated my nephew the most.

Well my night was terrifying. I did not hear from my daughter at all. Last I heard from her was at 5pm when she was told to come home. She said she was using a phone card and would call right back but she didn't. I couldn't call her back because she called from a pay phone.

I went with my son downtown to three movie theatres as she said that is where she was going, she wasn't there. I called all of her friends, I have their numbers on my cell phone. They didn't know where she was. She has started to hang out with a couple of different girls for the past few weeks.

I finally found out a number from one of the kids and luckily they knew a cell number of her friend. I called it but they said she was not with them but she would try to find out. Long story short, at 12:40am her friend called and said her Dad had gone to get them and he would drop my daughter off.

I had 15 minutes to decide what I would do. My first reaction was my mothers "Where the hell were you, what were you doing, how could you do this to me, make me worry etc etc. I calmed down and talked myself out of that reaction. I was so angry yet so upset as I had thought the worst. A friend said she was meeting a guy at the movies and I immediately thought he must be someone she met online and is a stalker or something. I know she's smarter than that so tried to calm down. It was such a helpless feeling especially since this was out of character for her.

She came home, I talked to her, tried to get her to open up but all she would say is that she realizes that she did wrong by making me worry although she didn't seem like it mattered to her. Her brother was upset to and kept calling all night. He was at a sleep over. When he finally reached her she wouldn't even talk to him. That upset him as he said he was worried and she doesn't even care.

Not much else was said other than she is grounded for the rest of the weekend and there is a fair on that she wants to go to but won't be able to. She is working all day today anyway so that punishment won't affect her too much. I don't ground for long, only one or two days. I know there may be more effective ways but by taking away privileges, (not going to the fair) at least there will be some consequence, there has to be.

Also, I found a small plastic bag with three capsules. They look like vitamins but are smaller. She doesn't take vitamins. They look like capsules filled up with powder, like herbs. Not sure what they are so am thinking of taking them to a drug store before I talk to her. She must notice them missing by now. My friend said they may be diet pills. Anyway, I will have to address this but then she will know I went through her bag, a dilemma.
Kate

Kate, you are doing all the right things. I agree with Hannelore and her parenting style. I remember telling my kids, "Now wait a minute, I'm your mother. I'm the one who goes to bat for you." They forget that when there's a misunderstanding. Remind her that you're the one who lovesher perhaps more than anyone in the world. Ask her what you can do to help her. See what she has to say.

I just said a little prayer that you can stick to your guns and keep her in this weekend. As soon as they learn there are no consequences, you lse control.

Did her friend move away? Does this have anything to do with her behavior?

Sending you warm parenting hugs.

Her friend is staying on with another family for another month. Her parents moved back to California after only living here for one year. Her friend does not want to leave and is prolonging it as long as possible. She likes it here and has made many friends. It's also a small safe Canadian city and I think she likes the freedom it offers.

I did talk to my daughter and as far as I know she is going to abide by the consequences. I just dropped her off at work and will pick her up at 10pm so today is taken care of.

She said she does not like her high school. She says the kids there (it's an inner city school) have no motivation to learn, there are alot of drugs, most of them slack off and smoke up right outside the school. She feels there are no rules and the teachers are not strict. She wants to go to another school. I want to be careful that she is not using this as an excuse. Does she want to become more studious, or does she want to go to a school where her new friends go? She has complained alot this year that the teachers couldn't care a less whether she goes or not, whether she hands in assignments or not. She doesn't feel that they care about her education. I talked to her about having inner motivation and not just blaming the school.

I did tell her that I would look into some of the other schools and that we could check them out over the summer. There are drugs in every high school but I think it's more accepted in her current school.

I hope to talk to her more about it.
Kate

ahhh kate never easie being a mum of a teen all the rules change...i agree with the ladies above about consiquinces, its important when their little and still so when there older. Consiquinces and taking seriouslie her view take on life both help as some of the others suggested, hart to hart with girles tend to be succesfull...a wee suggestion start and end with loving compliments...if they heer you love them first then the critisisum or rules are easier to talk about as barriers are broken dowen and they alreadie listening, then finish with loving words and hugs so she not left with bitter or neg self feelings and you get to rember how you love gher and as you said she basicalie a good kid.

dating and boys especillie if she likes him, rember how powerfull those feelings weer at that age in her mind it might been worth the consiquinces of braking a grownding night just to date this lad.....it might be more situasional than anything major and neg pattern startting in her life.

Anyway one good thing they grow out of it rember teenagedom dosent last for ever even if it feels timeless. With bert he kicked of at 18 he been an angel up till then, then was imposible and scarrie for a bit ...now he back on trake and gonna be 21 in 14 days or so. at the time it was hell lol and even looking back...but stay strong and i wish you the right type of skills and all the love in the world for you. I am whishing you a happie ending or even just a barible process going throw this stage in your and you d life. Rember your the mamma