As a divorced Mother, raising my son John was truly difficult at times. But, he had tough times, too...not having his Father around. Times for him were especially tough. We lived in Germany, it was during the 8th grade...puberty years and normal challenges between child/parent.
John had been lying to me about skipping school. I found out he was skipping because the school mailed out letters to the parents saying what date and what class the child had missed. I'd warned John about his skipping and his lying. His attitude had become sarcastic and I felt as a parent raising him alone that I was losing him. When I had difficult situations that I simply could not get him to respond to, I called a couple of teachers that John would listen to and those situations would normally be resolved. However, his lying to me about skipping came to a head one day when I received 4 letters for 4 different occasions. When I got home John was in his room play on his Nintendo. I asked him if he'd skipped school. When he lied and said "no", I showed him the letters. He said the school had him mixed up with someone else.
My son and I lived in Rudesheim (about 20 minutes from the base) in an apartment. We occupied the attic apartment and had a basement room for storage. I sent him down to the basement to bring up 3 large boxes. When he returned I told him he was to pack up every Nintendo game, his TV, every video, every picture on his wall...anything that wasn't a school book. All that was left in his room was his desk, his bed, his clothes and his school books. Then I had him seal the boxes and left them in the hall where he could see them but not use anything from them. I told him that when he could join the rest of the human race and behave responsibly the way I expected him to then he could have his life back. He could come out of his room only to shower, go to the bathroom, for meals and to leave the house for school. The rest of the time he had to sit in his room and reflect on his attitude and what he'd lost because of it. At first his attitude was that I would cave in within 3 days and he'd get his stuff back. When I didn't his attitude changed to acting tough. When I ignored that he went into the angry mood. When I ignored that he went into the crying mood. When I ignored that things became quiet with him and I could tell my tough love was working on him. Most nights I went to bed and would cry, feeling guilty for what I was putting him through but yet my gut was telling me if I didn't he would be lost to an attitude that did not conform to the rest of the civilized world. I could not lose him to drugs or alcohol or bad people or crime or lying if there was a breath in my body to prevent it. I think it took about 3 months before John realized that he had to change and that I was NOT going to budge from my decision.
I cannot remember exactly how it happened but John did get his 'fun' stuff and his life back. I monitored him with the help of his principal and teachers at school and he never did skip school after that. His attitude changed and he went from a rebilous teenager to a normal teenager. It was much easier for me to discuss things with him if I saw him start to head in a direction that was not good for him.
His high school years were incredible. He received MVP for track and won 1st Place in the European 110 Hurdles. His teachers loved him and let me know how much he had changed since middle-school and his defiant time back then. One afternoon my son's girlfriend approached me and said, "Dee, do you know how much John loves you?" I said, "Yeah, I kinnda do. I love him, too." She said, "No, Dee. Your son really, really loves you. Do you know what he told me? He told me about the time you gave him tough love." She said he got choked up and said "if my Mom hadn't loved me enough to make me go through that I don't know where I'd be right now. Probably in jail." She gave me a hug and went back downstairs. I stood there and tears ran down my cheeks. John had never discussed that time with me but I realized he understood that I'd done it for his welfare and because I loved him so much.
To this day when I tell this story I still get choked up. When John talks about it now he chuckles but he underscores that with the understanding that I loved him enough to fight for his life.
Today John is a wonderful man. He works hard and is responsible and loving.
To Mother's who wonder if you're doing the right thing when you have to be tough, don't doubt yourself. Don't hurt your child but don't deny them the lessons they must learn to function in this world, however tough they may be. Tough love is called tough because it isn't easy. I believe when a parent plays the role of a friend instead of the role of parent, the child loses. Our children need our guidance, our rules, our boundaries, discipline and our love. Without these things they become lost. I was determined not to lose my son. Thank God for the strength He gave me when I needed it. In the end it payed off and my son is thankful that I cared enough about him to be the Mom when I needed to be.

Great story Dee. Tough Love is the toughest on us Moms. I can relate to your crying at night wondering if you did the right thing. It's really difficult when family judges you for the decisions you make. But, you have to trust your gut and do what you think is right. I always tell my other two children, I'm not here to be your friend, I'm your Mom.
Kate

How wonderful, Dee, that your son confirmed that tough love was the correct way, and may have even saved him from worse mistakes. May I copy your post and send it to my brother? He's haveing an awful hard time right now with his 16 year old son. This might help him reach some decisions.
Hannelore

Of course you may copy my post and sent it to your brother, Hannelore...I will keep him in my prayers. I can't imagine raising a child these days...it was hard enough in the 90's.

Katebcca, yes family members can judge something without knowing all the details or not completely understand why we do what we do. In the end, our children are our responsibility and if no one else understands, then I'm not afraid to let them know when they step over the line. Sometimes tough love is necessary for the adult members of our family, too.

ea lessons learned and one to rember for the future, my 1 is still young and i agree with the certine boundries and sticking with certine disisions, even at his age. The tears and tantriums are all too easy to give in too but for me and him at his age itsn finding the balance and guiding him........ I am so glade your son relisied what you dun was for his owen good and didnt fall into resentment about it .....shows a certine maturity on his part that he understands and relized. I think it can be a lot harder when youb have to make thse descissions on your own the oppertunity for doubt is great....but well dun for sticking to your convictions even when it was tough for you emotionally

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