I'm trying to figure out a solution to a problem and thought I would bring it up here as the advice is so good :-)

In another post I described my situation as a single parent with three children, my eldest son was until a month ago addicted to crack cocaine and has been for the past 5 years. It's a very long story but I won't go into too much detail now. After treatment at three different centres he is finally getting it together but is very vulnerable to going back to his old lifestyle and to be honest I have no idea if he is still using or not. He also abuses alcohol and pot. Here is the problem, I have had to move a few times as he keeps coming to my home after being evicted for not paying his rent. He spends his money on partying and expects me to always be there for him when things don't work out. (I had to kick him out when he was 18 due to violent behaviour, drug use, not going to school or work etc. he would basically try to control me and his siblings and had the house in constant chaos) Through counselling and advice from the police I was told to move again and not let him know where I live. Last year at Christmas time I let down my guard and had him for supper. He was camped out on my deck in a sleeping bag, freezing drugged out and knocking on the door non-stop begging to come in. He managed to manipulate his way back in the house (I couldn't refuse him Christmas dinner) and I had to work hard to get him help (counselling) and try to find him alternative housing once again. Believe me and this is a whole other post, there is little if any help out there for drug addicts who don't want help. I have been through hell these past few years trying to get help for him. In my town as in many others there are limited options. Also until they accept help there is none. As a parent it's tough love or putting up with a crazy person in your house 24/7. Many have suggested to not let him in but he can knock non stop for hours on end driving us and the neighborhood crazy. He has also broken in many times so it's tough to keep him out if he wants in. I recently moved again August 1st and found my son another apartment. At the moment although I see him on a regular basis, he does not know where I live and I will have to keep it that way until he makes some major changes.
Well Christmas is coming soon. My son is doing just ok on his own although in and out of jobs as his lifestyle gets him fired on a regular basis. I believe in time he will get it. The problem is I don't want to make the same mistake and have him at my home at Christmas this year or the cycle will start all over again. I love him dearly and would love to have him home but do have to keep boundaries for myself and especially my other two other children who are just 12 and 13. He can be very volatile and abusive when living at home. When he lives on his own he is respectful. I see him every week at his place and help him out with groceries etc. on a limited basis as I am trying to push him towards independence but I don't want him to starve. If he knew where I lived he would spend his money on drugs or alcohol get evicted and show up on my doorstep. He would threaten suicide ( has done it before) whatever it took for me to break down and let him in.
My mother suggested having Christmas at her house this year. Since I have been divorced and my parents have gotten older I have had it at my place. This year my mom suggested having it at her house so that my eldest son can be with all of us. A nice gesture but..... she is a stress case, plays the martyr role. She will make the dinner but will complain about how much work she has done, will snap at my kids and yell at my dad. He is in a wheel chair and she says is always under her feet. She offers but resents it. Every Christmas as long as I can remember was unhappy as my parents pick this time of the year to have their worst fights. I got what I asked for usually present wise as a child but did not have a Christmas without major stress from an early age. How my parents are still together I don't know. They are codependent and their relationship is very dysfunctional. Anyway, I am trying to find an alternative solution. I don't want my kids to go through the stress of Christmas at my parents (they hate going there because my mother constantly nit picks at my dad and they find it very upsetting) Every year she complains about what he gets from my dad in front of everyone and goes on and on about it basically ruining our Christmas.
I want my kids to have a nice Christmas this year without all the stress. If we go to my parents we will get to have Christmas all together, but there will be a price to pay. I want to see my son but can't have him at my place this year because of reasons already explained. If we don't have Christmas and include my parents my mother will never speak to me again. Any suggestions on how to have a nice Christmas dinner without going to my parents and not having it at my place. I have thought about a restaurant but that could be quite expensive. I'm stumped. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
thanks,
Kate

Kate, I was about to suggest a restaurant but you said that could get expensive but why does it have to be? I'd check around and look at prices and menus. You obviously have a computer and many restaurants post their menus along with prices.

Your mom is a lot like mine. She'll cook too much, get too tired and then complain and fall asleep. Well, she use to. She and my dad live in Florida now so I kind of wish I had her complaining back though I'd regret it as soon as the first cuss word is uttered by her. (Smile.)

My nephew was addicted to crack and had tried every other drug as well. He hit bottom and had been jailed for stealing something from a neighbor's house to buy his junk. He even stole from his own mother! No one would've thought he was ever going to kick that habit that he had probably had since the age of 14 (our guess.)

I wish my sister-in-law could see him now. She passed away 10 years ago while he was in jail. He met a wonderful girl, got married and has two beautiful, healthy children. Working started out a little rough but he's finally stable and in a job he has kept at for over a year now.

When everyone else turned away from him (his father and sister) his mother stayed his constant. I don't know how she did it but she did. Her house was robbed and because there was no forced entry we think he did it.

You have found what works for you so you have to keep doing it for the sake of your other two children. I know your heart must ache wanting to see your son, I know mine would. Could you ask your parents for a small loan to pay for your Christmas dinner in place of a Christmas gift?

Katebbca, I was thinking too, our grocery store has a small cafe right inside where a person can order a sandwich, sit and talk. Do you have something like that? How about a Panera Bread restaurant?

What would be so wrong with going to a fast-food eatery such as McDonalds or Burger King? If I wanted to see my son the location wouldn't matter and to heck with anyone who would turn up their noses at your choice of where you eat. Teenagers love pizza, as do most everyone so how about a place like that?

Please let me know what happens, I care.

Sorry, but it's me again. Everyone probably wonders where I come up with these ideas but as I was in the shower I kept thinking about this matter.

Another idea: Hospitals have cafeterias and usually on a holiday serve up a special entree. After all, people visiting loved ones need to eat too. No one would know that you're not there visiting a patient and you could stay as long as you want. Our hospital really has good food and is one of the top rated in this area. Just a thought.

I don't know about all hospitals, but when my husband and mother were both hospitalized last Christmas, neither one of the hospital cafeterias was open. It would have been so much nicer if they had been. If one is open near you, that might be something worth considering.

There isn't many places that are open on Christmas day, that's the problem. Have you checked with your church? Maybe they are planning a dinner. Another place to consider might be a chinese restaurant. It's inexpensive and they might be open.

Thank you for all of your wonderful ideas. Unfortunatly or fortunatly however you look at it my son was arrested and got 16 months for a b&e and selling stolen property to pawn shops.
He was going down hill fast, using heavily at the time and I was worried he was going to die. He is drug free now at least but was recently assaulted inside and is now in another unit and quite traumatized. This is my worst fear as although he breaks the law he is in the wrong business as he is a scared skinny kid who is always picked on when incarcerated. He is in a protected area in his cell for 23 hours out for one. He doesn't call much as he has to go to an area where there are other inmates and they threaten him. He just turned 21 last week. He has a real kind side and the guards like him because he is respectful to them not like the others. This is why it's so sad because when he is not using he is such a sweet kid. But I do believe that he has to pay his debt to society and learn the hard way, and he sure likes to learn the hard way. He will be in for one year before he's up for parole and has only been in a couple of other times for very short stays. This is going to be a hard lesson and I hope that a longer stay in custody will allow him to stay away from drugs and alcohol when he gets out. I just hope he is not too psychologically damaged when he gets out.
Christmas will be at my house this year and will hopefully be peaceful. I was going to invite my ex-inlaws over to keep my mom distracted from her usual complaining but they are doing the smart thing and going away for the holidays. I will really miss my son. It's hard. I want him to face the consequences of his actions but at the same time wish he didn't have to be afraid for his personal safety. Hopefully this will be the last time in jail.
Again, thank you all for your great ideas and thoughts.
Katebc

I'm sorry to hear that Katebc.
I hope he learns his lesson and that when this has passed you will be able to be a whole family again. My prayers are with you and your son.

I am so glad to hear from you! Our nephew went through so much of the exact same things as your son when he was that age.

He's 35 now and has been married for five years this coming May. This girl saved his life. They have two beautiful healthy children and our nephew has finally held down a job for over a year.

He drank and did every drug there is. While he was in jail his mom died. My husband and I promised we'd look after him as much as we could. She left us money to give to him as he needed it. When he got out he got the remaining money. I never gave up on him and wrote to him sometimes twice a week.

Just keep up your faith that he will get better because he will! None of us ever thought he would be where he is now. He stole from his own mother. We all knew the drugs were causing him to do these things. He probably started the habit at the age of around 14 (our best guess).

Our nephew was always the kinder, softer one of my sister-in-laws two kids. He always was and still is very loving. You should see him with his two children.

I pray that your son meets a nice girl too. If it can happen to our nephew it can happen to your son. Just keep up the faith and never give up.

It's never easy...especially on a mom's heart.
So, hard watching your kids continue to dig holes for themselves.
No amount of talking helps until they reach a point, of wanting change for themselves.
It's heartbreaking to hear of the consequences they are having to learn from, even worse having to see them.
Wishing, all of your family a Christmas filled with God's love and peace.