Hi there-
I have just found this site tonight. I have read some posts and I think I will love it here. I am looking for some help with my 22 yr old son and husband. Here's the jist of it - my son lives with his girlfriend of 4 years (I think). We never hear from him. He makes promises to go to family outings, or to come over and help me with some house repairs (hubby is NOT good at this!). He never comes thru on any promise. He owes us quite a bit of $$ for a car that is sitting in storage.
I honestly believe that the g/f does not like us for some strange reason. We have always tried to be kind and loving to her. Now that she has her hooks into him, she is controlling his life. If he ever is in our home, it is without her, but she calls him constantly.
I feel that I have lost my son. My husband is very angry. He wants me to speak to my son. He is too angry and will just blow any chance we have. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am very hurt. The question I have is this: as a parent, would you approach him and tell him exactly how you feel about not seeing him, about how you feel he is ripping out your heart, without bringing the girl into the picture at all??? Then there is also the issue of the $$. Should we sell the car out from under him? I just don't know which way to turn without losing him forever.
Thank You so much for listening.

Crafty,

Welcome! You've come to the right place! You will find great wisdom and support here!

If this was your bestest friend in the world, what would you do?

You wouldn't want to lose your best friend over issues that you haven't sat down and had a heart to heart about! (without any family guilt added!)

I think you sitting down with him alone and sharing your heart like you just did, about his not coming around, and the car issue makes sense. I personally would not bring the girl into it.

There are many women here that struggle with their adult children - I'm sure they will have awesome advice!

Welcome, and God bless you!

Danita

Hi, Craftyone,
Of course you should talk to your son.Tell him you love him, tell him you miss him.Let him know you know he is an adult and as an adult the two of you need to come to some decision on the car- whether to sell it or to set up a payment plan so he can keep it if he wants to
Leave out this girl. From experience I have learened with my oldest son that what I saw as his girlfriend's influence to ignore us was just his own self centeredness learned from his dad.
I too loaned him thousands and then never heard a word until my husband said- we have to stop enabling him not to face his own responsibilities. The last time he called for a "loan" I said no. Right after I got an email from my ex- his dad that I chose my husband over my child.
I felt guilty but after awhile I realized it was time for my son to become an adult at 30 and face up to his choices.
He knows I love him. But he also knows that I will not let him run away from himself anymore.
He will always be my child but he is my adult son

Hi Ladies-

Thank you for your thoughts and blessings. I know what I need to do. My problem is that I am not a strong woman and I always want to make everyone happy and content. I avoid conflicts at all costs. Something I have fought with for a long time to try to overcome. I suffer from depression from time to time and when things get rough, that old bug rears its ugly head and I start to sink, and then the tears won't quit. Ugh!!! I just have to muster up the courage and pray about it.
Thanks so much.

Since the car is in storage does this mean he doesn't need it?

It's sad when a basic stranger can pull a loved one away. I've been blessed with a great DIL and SIL that have always respected me and never cause any problems so I can only imagine how much this must hurt you.

I would talk to him, in love and if you cry, you cry. That's what us women do!

Okay now I have a completly different take on this situation, speaking from experience of my own. When this happens to you its hard to know how to handle it. My way was to stop over one evening unannounced and ask to talk to THEM BOTH. She offered me an ice tea and we sat at the kitchen table. I pointed no accusitory fingers at either of them, I merely said I missed seeing him at the family get togethers and everyone was asking where he was and then quickly added and they so wanted to meet (her name) as they have heard from us how happy she makes you. Also I said (her name) I was so hoping to finally have the daughter I always wanted in my life and thought she was going to be that daughter. Can you see where I was going with this? He is with her and she is an intrigate part of his life now, so if you want him you have to have her on your side. Don't kid yourself how important these girls can make themselves to our sons. I did it and maybe you did it to with your inlaws. By the time I left there we were all hugging and she and he became more frequent visitors in our home. Today 17 years later they finally got married and she has been like my daughter all these years...For right now I would not mention the money...small potatoes and you need to heal this relationship first.....just my two cents!

[ September 17, 2005, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Chatty-
I do understand where you are coming from. It would not be possible to stop by, in this case, due to the fact that they live with HER parents. Yes, you heard that right....I cannot go there and get involved with her family. So, its gonna be up to me to get him to dinner or something.If she wants to come,(but I highly doubt she will) I have no problem with that. I have a clear conscience. I have never treated her badly. And I can tell both of them how I feel.
Unfortunately the money is a big issue and needs to be dealt with. Its a long story that I don't want to take up time and space with. Besides, most people would think we were a bit nutty for putting up with it for 2 yrs now. That probably makes no sense at all.
Crafty

This is a classic car. And no - he really does not need it. Its a luxury that NEVER should have come about. But because its a classic, I feel he will be sorry someday. But, I s'pose that should be his tough luck, right?

Maybe he's staying away because of the money issue. Doesn't want to address it.

crafty, you are getting some excellent advice. I picked up on your depression comment and want to invite you to the Featured Author forum this month. Sharon is doing an awesome job discussing that topic. Why not jump down there and see waht she and the other gals have to say? Please let us know if you can't find it.