I got tickled when I saw that children were coming back home. Mine have never left! They are 21 and 23 (almost 22, 24) and in absolutely no hurry to go any place any time soon.

At what age did your children fly the coop? And how did you handle it? I have a feeling that the longer they stay, the harder it is going to be for me to handle it!

Donna

you mean they leave?

I hope mine never get too far away. I've got four children and I think they are the absolute lights of my life.
Our daughter is 23. She's moved out and then moved back in. Our sons are 21, 15 and 11. The oldest is sharing an apartment with a girl he went to school with and I doubt that he'll come home. He's always been independent and likes that he has an identity away from his family but we've reinstated our Sunday dinners at home and he's always the first to get home. And by the way, this one is the one I'm most connected too. He has my temper and my humour, but then I guess all of them do....hmmmm....I love my kids. They're so funny, so ornory (?), so totally different. They are always inspirations to me.

Anyway, back to making Sunday dinner.

Kate

My eldest is 18 and starting university today - but like most kids in this country he will attend a local uni and keep on living at home. But it has been so interesting seeing him assert his independence lately - working a casual job, paying for his own textbooks, re-organising his room, creating new boundaries in the areas of responsibility/parental control...I'm just really proud of him.I'm in no hurry for him to leave...he's my best babysitter!

Julie, when you have time I'd love to hear how you children go about attending university. I know it's different than in the states. Can you please shed some light.

Our kids typically go to college after their last year of high school, grade 12. Don't your children spend months testing before applying to university?

My two sons were 10 and 5 when their father passed away. My 10 year old became (in his mind) the man of the family. We rermained together until a lovely young lady stole my sons heart, he was 20 at the time. I had to practically throw him out the door to move in with her. I hated it but I hated even more his thinking I was his responsibility. They are married and I have 3 wonderful grandchildren, 21, 19 and 13. I would love for us all to live in one big house together like they did when I was a baby and my fathers parents owned a four flat. All the 4 male sibblings and their wives lived there and the sister with her family. Neat and comforting to a child too. I had someone who loved me around me all the time. The old days were nice but probably wouldn't work now. People think differently. TOO BAD! My youngest son got married to a sweet girl and they lived with me for 3 years, I wanted to help them save money so they could get a home of their own. Unfortunatedly my son who taught the martiel arts, he was a second degree black belt and a health hut. Somehow got hooked on cocaine and became abusiven not when he was high but qwhen he wasn't. I had to ask them to move. That was in 1995 and my eldest son nor I have ever heard one word from them. I don't know where they are or if they are alright. I have the same phone number and address and he knows where to find me. Its my torment but I offered to pay for any and all treatment he would need and let them stay during the process. He said NO WAY, it was none of my business, so I had no choice. Would any of you have handled it differently? Please be candid......

Oh my gosh Charleeeeeeennnneeeee....... *throwing my arms around you*...my heart breaks for you.
It's one thing (as in my case) when it's a spouse or another person you know who goes through the addiction pain - but your child.... You can't divorce yourself from your child; I mean sort of you can, because you do have to seperate yourself and allow them the freedom to make their own choices and learn their own lessons. I think though... it's more painful in a different way because you live your life nurturing them, providing for all their needs, rescuing them when there's danger so to be in a position where you just can't is almost as painful as what they go through.
One thing I've come to realize, in stages, is that you don't do anyone any favors by cushioning the blows.
You may have heard the phrase "learning to live life on life's terms"? It's a great concept and we all have to learn it. Sometimes when we shelter (we call it helping) people from the hard knocks of their actions, they aren't allowed the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and then we've done them a disservice because we inevitably prolong their pain, although quite unintentionally.
This might be prying but have you ever checked out Alanon meetings? I'm not a "groupie" per se but years ago I found that once I got over the feeling that all those people were just not "getting it" because they were so happy.... I realized that the difference was that they had learned to live their lives in spite of whatever was going on around them. Sometimes there's just someone that will say something and it completely changes your perspective on a situation and it's good. A good thing.
But hope springs eternal... at least that's what I've found for me... there's always hope... there's always a miracle just around the corner.
Hang in!

Sincerely,

Kate

Oops... totally sidestepped the question... I wouldn't have done anything different. There has to be a place where the boundaries are firm and just. It may appear to be harsh at the time but on the flip side, even a small child finds safety in boundaries. That means the dangerous stuff isn't allowed in and that's a 'given'. I am surprised though that your daughter-in-law doesn't keep in touch. What was her role in all of this?

Chatty, I agree with Dreamer. You have to set boundaries in your own home. That's tough love in action. Your only choice would have been to let him stay and live with all that confusion day in and day out.

You offered treatment and security during treatment. What else can you do? Like they say, some people have to hit rock bottom before they have a change of heart. Perhaps that still hasn't happened for him. I sound so cold, sorry.

Meantime, I'm sure there isn't a day that goes by that he isn't on your mind. I hope you can find peace in knowing you did what was best for him and his problem.

Addictions are poison for anyone who loves the addicted. Sorry you have to suffer on his behalf. Throwing a great big hug your way. Praying that some how, some way, you'll learn how he is doing and until then the place in your heart that yearns for him will be filled with peace. Until then, just love the heck out of your other son and his family...and yourself!! I know it's not a replacement by any means, but I am grateful you have them.

Dreamrkate and Dotsie, thank you so much for your candor. I don't dwell on missing him like I did the first several years. I would like to know where they are , if their still together and how they are. My dasughter-in-law is a complete surprise to me. The reason he and I fell out was because he was slapping her around and I will not stand for a son of mine hitting a women. Plus he's a giant, trained in the martial arts and shes a tiny, petite little thing. I suppose one day soon I will hire a professional to find them, or him, just to know where he is and in what condition. Right now I have a problem staring me in the face.I have to send down the road a man that has been a sort of companion for years now. This is a really long, confusing and almost impossible to believe story. IUts actually laughable. Thats bwh I hate being past the age for your book Dotsie, this is a story to end all stories....