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#189783 - 09/12/09 07:23 AM
Need advice for my son...
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Registered: 09/12/09
Posts: 4
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Hello,
A friend pointed me to this forum. She's said marvelous things so I figured I would give it a shot. You all seem very helpful.
My son got involved with a woman a several years back and ended up getting her pregnant. He did the honorable thing and stood by and became a father to the child (and he is a wonderful father might I add).
They've never been a good couple, and unfortunately over the years she has become lazy, whiney, and outright rude. Her parents have said the same thing to me, so it's not my "mother bear" getting the best of me. I think he sees it too, but what do I say? I don't want to get in the middle of his affairs, but at the same time not only is it affecting my son, but my grandson as well.
What makes me so angry is essentially he is a single parent. He works all day and then comes home to a messy house. She doesn't lift a finger and he ends up having to clean up after her because she won't do it and he doesn't want his son living in such disgusting conditions. She's too busy watching Oprah and other nonsense. And now that my grandson is in school full time, she has even more time on her hands to do nothing. Which is what ends up happening. I come over to visit my grandson after he gets out of school and it looks like a hurricane hit the place. And that's right after he gets out of school, so what has she done all day?
Sorry for the long post, I've just watched this for the last 6 years and I'm just so frustrated! I think he knows and I think he has a plan, but I want to know what how to approach him and not offend him.
Thank you all so much!
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#189784 - 09/12/09 10:14 AM
Re: Need advice for my son...
[Re: sherrylatimer]
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Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
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Hi Sherry...glad you stopped by. And your friend is right. This place is full of heart-filled ladies, who understand and have some good advice.
I once gave my DIL a book on the best tips on housekeeping, along with the comment that I have the same book, and it has become my bible. She thanked me; but my son held it against me.
If you have been watching this fiasco 6 years without commenting, then you know why. You probably know you are overstepping your boundaries if you say anything. What you can do is have your grandson over at your place, which I'm sure is clean and inviting. Children actually love that, even if they aren't that way themselves. What may happen is that your grandson may tell his mother something like, "grandma's place is always cleaned up, I like to visit her".
That may carry more weight than anything else.
_________________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. Goethe
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#189798 - 09/12/09 03:36 PM
Re: Need advice for my son...
[Re: Edelweiss3]
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Member
Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 3703
Loc: London UK
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Welcome to BWS, Sherry. As much as you would probably like to say something, you must try to hold back from saying anything. From what you wrote, I can only presume that she was previously in contrast to: " she has become lazy, whiney, and outright rude..." in which case one must treat the cause, not the symptoms.
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#189911 - 09/15/09 12:56 AM
Re: Need advice for my son...
[Re: chatty lady]
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Registered: 09/12/09
Posts: 4
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Thank you so ladies. This is very valuable counsel. Inviting my grandson over more often is a good idea. I'll make sure to offer to pick him up from school more often. My son also just told me he made a new little friend that "he's dying to see every day" so maybe that will help the situation too.
Yes, I have sat by for what seems like an eternity. I don't know why, but for what ever reason it has become worse over time. She's never been a clean person, so to speak, but my goodness. It's become quite unbearable. Do you remember the 70's show Sanford and Son? That's what their home looks like. I know it's not my son because he used to get on my case to clean up the house, and his home was always so clean before she moved in, so the evidence is there. I see the look on my son's face when he watches her bring another thing into the house, and that look says it all.
I'm starting to wonder if it is just a matter of time before he acts. Hopefully that is sooner rather than later.
My apologies if I came off harsh, I needed to vent my frustrations. She really is a nice woman, but something has gone awry and I don't quite know what it is. Neither does my son.
Thank you all so much for your assistance!
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#189938 - 09/15/09 03:42 PM
Re: Need advice for my son...
[Re: sherrylatimer]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Good idea to have grandson for fun activity more often at your place.
As for a clean house and being lazy, be reminded that there are couples with awfully messy homes, but good marriages and happy children...such 1 sister of mine and her hubby plus 3 children under 11 yrs. old. She and hubby have full-time jobs.
If we ourselves are fairly neat people, it's too tempting to impose our standard on others.
ANyway maybe even having the child with you for a short vacation, might ..one day...put the 2 parents alone to see reality or whatever. Their marital problems is truly theirs only.
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#190026 - 09/16/09 11:15 PM
Re: Need advice for my son...
[Re: orchid]
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Member
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
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Mom...don't say anything. If you do you'll pay for it later...it will backfire.
When your son comes home and cleans the place, isn't he enabling? If he's asking her to do her share and she's refusing then it sounds to me they need some cousneling.
I used to be very lazy when it came to housework when I was in my early 20's...but, as I got older I changed...now one can walk into my home and it's always presentable...may need dusting but my hubby would never be embarrased having someone walk through the door.
Good luck.
_________________________
Dee "They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards
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