Since there is a good topic going in the Loos forum, I chose to put this here.

What do you say to a teen whose dad died suddenly and believes God's repsonsible? I can't say I blame her.

Also, in addition to words, what would you do to help her?

I'm in this position and want to make a difference. Thanks!

Wow, what a heartbreaker, Dotsie. At such a young age. No easy answers, but one thing I would want her to know is that it's okay to be angry with God, okay to yell her rage at Him - His shoulders are big enough and His love is deep enough to take the rage and love her through the agony.

It's also okay NOT to have any answers, to tell her that you don't know the "why" either, and that you too, even with your profound faith, still ask God "why". It's okay to share with her that you don't know why, but that in your experience, God does weep with us and walks in the depths of that pain with us.

And I don't know if she's open to hear this, but it's my belief that our loved ones find ways to reach us, like yellow butterflies, or something similar that will have special meaning between her and her Dad. If she keeps her eyes and heart open, her Dad WILL be trying to send similar signs that he's still with her in spirit and love.

Anything seems inadequate in the face of such excruciating loss, and the words may seem hollow and meaningless right now, but maybe they'll plant the seeds that will help her further down the road.

*Hold her and let her cry, she has a right.
*Explain to her that we are NOT our bodies, we are souls, and forever with each other.
*Ask her to explain to God how she feels by writing a letter to him - sometimes writing feels more solid while spoken words or thoughts disappear, but explain to her how God already understands and is sad along with her. He, of all, knows and understands.
*Tell her to watch for the reason for God taking him home so soon. There is a divine purpose, she only needs to look for it.
*Help her accept that she is also in the picture of creating a divine purpose, and that from the strength she will gain through this experience, she will have the knowledge and understanding to help the person who might soon cross her path with a similar situation.

This is an excellent opportunity for someone to help her understand more of what our life journeys are about. We aren't here to be with each other forever. We aren't here to collect things, and people, in our lives. We aren't about earthly feelings, and earthly moments. We are working toward something bigger, much bigger.

Dotsie, age is not the boundary for pain. When Daddy died I was so angry. I talked to God and over time, I felt the love begin to swell up inside of me once again. Talking to God about your pain is an excellent suggestion, as is everything else that Eagle and Gims have offered.

Holding it inside is where the damage comes in...whatever this poor soul does, help her to release the pain. That is when the healing begins. It never goes away, the pain...the edges just soften over time.

Eagle, gims and queenie, thanks for these lovely words of wisdom. I'm off to use them. Will share more later. You gals are so special to me.

“…in addition to words, what would you do to help her?”

That’s a tough one. Do you mean like distracting her? That only works if she allows it to. And it may be too soon to try. But sometimes hearing about other sad fates and how the survivors coped may help. I would give her some books on this.

Having friends around her may be the best way for her to find her way back to the “normal” life.

Poor thing. What a wonderful friend you are to her, Dotsie. In that way she is very lucky.

I wasn't miuch past being a teen when my first husband died and left me with an infant. No matter what anyone said to me I was furious and sadder than I could ever have imagined being. I was taught God never does anything bad and although he allows Satan to have free reign, he himself never hurts us. I screamed at Satan that no matter what, he wasn't going to make me angry at God as my husband wasn't.
I still remember the people that allowed me to be angry and yet tried to help me see the meaning of his dying. I may ave never understood but did appreciate the kindness of others when needed most. Allow her to cry, and love her. Allow her to be mad, and love her. Allow, allow, allow, understand and just comfort and love her.

Having lost a mother at age 18, and after all these years...I have learned that God is the incorrect One to whom we direct our anger. It is satan....who comes to kill, steal and destroy.

Yes, God allows death...due to the events in the Garden, but thankfully He created Heaven as well. God normally gets the blame, but He can take it...He's God!

And yes, I agree that it is a perfect witnessing opportunity. Not sure the man was a Christian...and if you do not know, the young teen can be assured to go to Heaven, with a good chance that he/she will see the Dad again.

When one dies unexpectedly, we are not "there" so we do now know what happened: perhaps he had a deathbed Christ experience.

Anyway, just my thoughts.

I have not been on these posts for a while now. But I do want to comment.

I can relate. My son lost his best friend when she was 13, he was 13 also. His reaction was to say that God does not exist. He even lashed out and said he hated God. He was filled with anger for part of his grief process. Like most people there is shock and disbelief, denial, sadness and then usually anger. I find anger the last stage before you get some relief. When my son went through this he said things like, who cares about school, when I tried to make him go. What does it matter, we are all going to die anyway. Life just sucks, there is nothing good about it. etc. etc. He had me very worried. I couldn't say anything right during that time so learned to back off. I tried to explain to him about God thinking I was helping to comfort him but it was no use, his mind was made up.

It wasn't until I lost my father that I could relate to what he was going through. I blamed God too, for taking my father from me. Then I blamed my Mom in that order and I was angry at her for a long time. It doesn't make sense to those who have little experience with grief but anger is a big part of grieving. I think that we have to get angry and blame someone as the pain is just too much to bare. Anger keeps us from totally falling apart as we can only take so much of the incredible devastation of the initial grief. That's the way I see it anyway.

I would just let her vent and get it out. She will get through this and will do her own searching down the road and may ask questions then. Later on when she is feeling better she may be more open to talk about God and the meaning of Life, Death etc.

Now is the time to just be there for her and not to try to reason as her grief is raw and this is just not the time to go there. The time will come and she will let the people who love her know when the time is right.

Hope this helps.
Kate